FaaipDiOaid Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 My relationship situation is about as bad as it can get. I'm MALE and a senior in high school (USA). For purpose of discussion, I'm John and her name is Jane. If you want the background information of the issue, read that. If you just want to skip straight ahead to the main issue I'm dealing with right now, go for it. But you will have a lot better understanding of the issue if you read the background info. Your choice. BACKGROUND Jane and I were friends since the start of junior year (just this last January was when we started being more than just friends). We share the same group of friends at high school and hung out with each other in large-group settings for a few months. I got the feeling that she had a thing for me, and at the time I had feelings for her too. However, I'm really indecisive when it comes to girls and wasn't particularly interested in dating anybody, so I didn't ask her out for a while, not to mention the fact that if she had said no, it would have made my social life with regular friends pretty awkward. Anyway, then (in early January I think it was?) she asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I said "Yes", and we went together with mainly her group of friends. We weren't dating at that point, but I knew that after she asked me to Sadies and I said "Yes" that there was little I could to prevent something bad from happening between us because even then my feelings on dating weren't very positive. But a good friend of her's and a somewhat decent friend of mine told me in privacy that Jane was very happy that I said "Yes". Long story short is that she had stronger feelings for me than I did for her and I felt somewhat obligated to ask her out. We hung out a couple times on our own but mainly still with our friends until February 14th. February 14th is Valentine's Day and also my birthday. She said that she was coming over after class that day to give me a birthday present. After she gave me the present, I gave her a bouquet of roses, said "Happy Valentine's Day", and asked her if she would go out with me. She said "Yes" and was very happy. Now, at that time, I did like her and wanted to be more than just friends with her, but at the same time I also felt that I was somewhat obligated to ask her out because we had been hanging out seperately and just about everybody knew that we liked each other. Then once the relationship started I began to feel progressively stronger feelings for her. We went out more frequently and there were a few weekends where we spent both Friday and Saturday night together (not sleeping together, just dating). Her feelings also got stronger at about the same rate, meaning that even still, when I started to like her more, she still felt stronger about me than I felt about her. But since I was happy being her boyfriend at that point, I didn't think much of it. After the school year ended we admittedly started hanging out less. She got a job and I pretty much just hung out with friends, friends that were outside our normal group of friends but still people she knows through school. My feelings for her got weaker and weaker and because of that I got the feeling that we were growing further apart. Up until now it's been a pretty standard situation, but now it gets complicated. My attraction to her, both physically and emotionally, was somewhat strong during our first couple months of dating. But now both attractions have declined and I can feel myself becoming more aloof while she keeps the same strong attachment. But as it turns out, she sensed that we were becoming more distant. But instead of talking to me about it, she talked to just about everybody else about it: my best friend, her best friend, a good friend of mine, and a couple other people. So I inevitably heard that she had secretely been talking to a bunch of people about how I wasn't acting the same and wasn't as close to her as I was before. She had been talking with them about this for about a month without ever once talking to me about it. That really made me mad. A somewhat good friend of mine, at least who I thought was a somewhat good friend of mine, had been trying to convince her to break up with me for a couple weeks after she had initially told him that our relationship was weakening. But I know that my relationship was weakening, and with the combination of me feeling less physically and emotionally attracted to her and the fact that she talked to my friends and her friends about me without ever talking to me made me want to end the relationship altogether. So I heard that he had been trying to convince her to break up with me, and heard that she had been complaining to my best friend about how I wasn't giving her the same attention I had before, and with all of that, I decided to confront her about it. I told her that I was upset that she had gone to my best friend with problems with our relationship and hadn't talked to me. We also talked about, and I lied, that "I was mad at my other friend for trying to break us up". But I'm NOT mad at my other friend. Obviously I now know that we're not as good of friends and don't intend on spending as much time with him, but how can I be mad at someone for trying to catalyze the break-up to a relationship that I don't want to be in anymore? It sounds awful, but it would a guilt-free way for me to get out of the relationship. I now wish that he had been more convincing and that she had broken up with me and now I would be out of this quagmire. Her response to me confronting her was that she "didn't know to go to me first" and was "glad to hear that I was okay talking about that type of thing". Is that bull? I've never heard anything as ridiculous as that before. The concept of somebody's girlfriend "not knowing" to consult their boyfriend with an issue with the relationship before talking to his best friend is just flat-out unbelievable to me. I just think that she didn't want to and she wanted to talk to someone close to me so that she wouldn't have to confront me about it and could just get to play the poor victim. After we had our conversation about our friend trying to break us up and her talking to my best friend about me behind my back, she finally admitted that she was upset that I wasn't showing as strong of feelings for her. Now here is where I messed up. I told her that I was still feeling strongly attached to her and that I had just been really busy over the summer, which is a lie that's obvious to me and that I don't think she picked up on. She then responded by saying that "she still feels the same as the first day I asked her out". Again, you're all going to hate me, but that's the worst thing she could have said to me. PRESENT ISSUE - SUMMARIZED Now, about a week after that incident I'm here posting in this forum. I want to end the relationship, period, final, end of story. I know that this is not a healthy relationship and it's one that I'm not happy in, and there's no way that she can be happy in it. But how do I end it without screwing each other over? Here are the factors that make breaking up with her so immensely difficult: 1) She still really likes me, and refuses to recognize the fact that we're growing distant and the reason we're growing distant is because we're not right for each other. 2) I am her first real boyfriend. I didn't know this until a 2 or 3 months into the relationship, and it's one of the things that turned me off of her. She's dated a few guys in non-serious, 1-2 week long relationships, but she's never actually had a steady boyfriend before me. I've had 3 girlfriends before her, all of whom I had dated for at least 2 months. I'm going to have to be the first guy to break her heart, and I have lots of trouble dealing with that. I'm sure there are some people who can relate to me. 3) As I mentioned multiple times before, we share a lot of the same friends, mainly guy friends. That's fine for me because I don't like being around more than two or three of the girls she's friends with. But you have to understand that she is still a really good person that lots of people, mainly my friends, like. I would go so far as to say that there are a few of my guy friends in our social group that would like me a lot less if I broke up with her. That's so unfair to me, and I don't think they get that. I know now that dating somebody you're friends with and share the same friends with is a bad idea, but it's too late now. If I stay in this relationship, I'm going to be very unhappy and so will she. If I break up with her, everybody is going to hate me and I'll have to go through breaking a nice girl's heart. Her in a nutshell: She's too needy and way to passive. She never confronts any of her friends with any issues she's having and never confronts me either. She just talks to other people without really giving the person she's talking about the benefit of the doubt. She says and does uncomfortably weird things like telling me that "I'm just like her dad/brother" or inviting me to eat dinner with her extended family. It's not something that a girlfriend should be doing. I am, to her credit, somewhat restrained, but not like the way she is. I won't be effusive with my emotions, but if something is bothering me I'll talk to the person that's the source of the issue in a constructive manner. Her complaining that I'm not as clingy as she is is definitely a respectable issue of hers to have with me, but that's the way I always have been to everybody, not just her. It's a character fault of mine that I admit. If it makes any difference, after I learned that I was her first boyfriend, I personally vowed to myself not to have sex. We've gotten to 3rd base, but I knew that our relationship wasn't going to work out even then and I didn't want to be her first boyfriend and the person who took her virginity, then broke up with her. Please, I need help with how to resolve this issue. I'm almost to the point of going to a psychologist for a session to vent and talk to him/her about it for advice. I would really appreciate some mature persons' help here.
heatseeker411 Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 You already know what you have to do. It will suck at first but you will both be so much happier for it in the long run. And remember, THE ONLY PERSON WHOSE FEELINGS YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ARE YOUR OWN. I wish someone had told me that when I was in high school. Let her down easy.
oppath Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 People talk to friends about relationship problems, so don't be too mad about her going to your friends, who are also her friends. You are her first boyfriend, it is NOT bull if she doesn't know what to do by asking you "how you you feel about our relationship? I feel you've been more distant lately and am wondering if there is a reason why?" After all, when she did do this, you lied to her. You had a chance and didn't take it. She's going to be pissed about that as much as the actual breakup. You'll have to deal with it.While I agree you are only responsible for your own feelings, of course, how you end things can greatly effect the other person. I am big fan of sugar coated honesty. In this case, saying you aren't attracted to her anymore isn't sugar coated, but saying "I don't feel we are the right people for each other for a long term relationship; we're both young, have growing to do, and I need to be honest and end things. I do apologize for my distant behavior and claiming everything was ok when it wasn't, that was wrong of me and I am sorry, but I value you and respect you so I need to be honest with you now, because I do care about you and valued our time together greatly." Don't give some crap about not wanting a relationship right now. Don't make it sound like "I need to date other people." It's not about her, and it's not about you, it's about the relationship. It is the relationship that is not right.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Whatever you do, don't leave any doors cracked - do not give her the impression that you want to be 'friends', or hang out, or keep in touch or any of that stuff - particularly nothing else physical, not even a hug. Anything you do like that will do nothing more than give her false hopes that there is a chance that she can win you back. Do not involve any more people in this than you have to. Don't tell anyone else you are breaking up with her. Go to her first. If she tries to pull in mutual friends, just tell them firmly that you have made your decision and that you do not want to talk about it anymore. When you walk away, you have to really do so - shut that door firmly, and do not look back. That is the kindest way you can do this.
shadowplay Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Why would you have asked her out to begin with if you weren't that interested? That's called leading somebody on. You're not "obligated" to date anyone. Had you not this whole situation could have been easily avoided. This may seem like a strange thing to ask, but are you sure that you're not gay? Some of the things you wrote remind me of what I've heard from gay guys I've known about their growing up experiences. Particularly your indecisiveness about women and reluctance to date but feeling of oligation to do so. Obviously, I don't know you and don't want to jump to conclusions, but just trying to eliminate that as a possibility.
oppath Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 Whatever you do, don't leave any doors cracked - do not give her the impression that you want to be 'friends', or hang out, or keep in touch or any of that stuff - particularly nothing else physical, not even a hug. Anything you do like that will do nothing more than give her false hopes that there is a chance that she can win you back. Do not involve any more people in this than you have to. Don't tell anyone else you are breaking up with her. Go to her first. If she tries to pull in mutual friends, just tell them firmly that you have made your decision and that you do not want to talk about it anymore. When you walk away, you have to really do so - shut that door firmly, and do not look back. That is the kindest way you can do this. Excellent advice LB. No "don't think I don't have feelings for you, I do. If I wanted a relationship with anyone, it would be with you. I'm giving up something amazing." If the relationship is over, it is over. Seriously, the most kind thing you can do to someone is MAKE IT CLEAR IT IS OVER. YOU ARE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER, though you value her greatly. She may be calling you for questions and closure, if she does, be kind but brief. Keep the door closed. As for mutual friends, don't get pissed when she goes to them for advice/closure. You rejected her, it is going to hurt her, she hasn't been there before and will struggle coping with it. She may even talk some **** about you. Recognize when you are rejected, it is difficult to react rationally. Just say "I don't want to talk about it." If you want to be friends, make it clear that both of you will probably need some time apart. Make it clear to her, if she wants to be friends, that you are not rejecting her as a friend, but you both need some distance to heal so friendship can be possible several months down the line. As the dumper, YOU need to assert this. Otherwise you may confuse her. False hope + trying to be friends = ****ing with someone's head. CLEARLY OVER + BREATHING ROOM = healing and a possible future friendship. She is going to be hurt. You did lie to her one week ago. Apologize for that. she will be just as pissed about that, because you reassured her everything was fine when it was not. That hurts. Take responsibility for that. Be a man.
shadowplay Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I agree with Oppath. There's a fine line. Don't lead her on and give her false hope, but at the same time be kind and sensitive to her feelings. I can't stress how important this is. The last thing you want to do is completely ignore her and cut her out of your life -- ie. not returing her calls, etc. That kind of **** hurts. Be patient and responsive but firm.
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