kittensmittens Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I'm still struggling some w/ my jealousy issues and would like to get some more input regarding the matter. My bf and I have broken up, but we've been talking about getting back together. At this point I'm still not sure if we should, but we're talking about it, anyway. An issue that has plagued us over the years has been jealousy on my part (not our only issue, but def. a signif. one). I'm doing a lot better, but should I get back into the relationship, this is definitely something that I want overcome completely BEFORE I do so. (And just overcome....period.) Anyway, here's my question: For some reason, I just don't look around. I don't fantasize about other men who aren't my bf. I don't imagine them naked or even feel any urge whatsoever to discuss the "hotness" of another male, other than my bf, with other girls. And while I think he's attractive, my bf is no Brad Pitt (or whatever fill-in-the-blank hot celebrity you'd like). Whenever I'm around an attractive male, it pretty much just registers the same as being around another attractive female. I recognize that they have that attribute and that's pretty much it. Is there something wrong w/ me?? Is this completley unhealthy?? Seriously...is it? I know that my sex drive could definitely stand to be turned up a notch....could that be it?? I'm scared I'm just too idealistic for my own good. I think that a lot of my jealousy might just stem from this "devotion" not being reciprocated. And if that's the case, that's not good b/c it would seem to me that, unless a guy is pretty much just disinterested in sex in general, he's going to find many, many women attractive.....that being the the nature of men. Or is that all it is? Am I simply experiencing one of the many injustices of being born w/ female programming? I know plenty of women who don't have this problem though. There are plenty of girls out there who run to the movie theaters to see Brad Pitt's butt, or comment on how sexy some guy in a band is. There are also plenty of girls who could care less if their SO thinks some random girl/celebrity/porn star is hot. I feel like the only thing holding me back from being one of those girls in the last sentence is that I'm not one of the girls in the sentence before that. It just feels wrong to me....I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm betraying my SO, or my devotion to him is slipping in some way if I do those kinds of things. Do I just need to loosen up? Let go of some of my ideals and start forcing myself to be ok w/ appreciating other males? Will this solve the problem of my jealousy? Or do I just accept that this is who I am? It just kinda feels unfair. If I accept that this is who I am....do I just learn to accept that the level of "devotion" is just always going to be imbalanced? Or do hold out for someone as idealistic as myself? And do men like that (who still want sex ) even exist? Ok, sorry, that was like 8 billion questions....but I just feel really confused. I feel like I'm defective or missing out or something.
hoc11 Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 I dont think there is anything wrong with you. Im a guy and I am the exact same way. I do not look at or think about any other girls other than my girlfriend. I just feel wrong about it, plus I do not find the types of girls that most men find attractive to be anything but fake, shallow skanks. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the typical girly girl is just not for me and thats what I love about my gf, that she's different. Like you I can see an attractive female, recognize that she is attractive but dont think any other thoughts than that. I guess its more that youre just loyal and can be satisfied with your bf, at least thats how i explain it.
Enema Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 People like you need to be with other people like you. I don't think you should compromise who you are and what you believe, regardless of how warped the general populace might think you are. Maybe ask Rainfall where she met her guy. She's a lot like you and her boyfriend has that silly devotion thing you talk about.
Author kittensmittens Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 Thanks for your replies. I just feel like maybe I'm missing out or something. I feel that I'm capable of accepting that whoever I'm w/ is going to be human, I understand all of the logic behind a guy looking at other women, that it can be completely harmless, has nothing to do w/ how much he loves his SO, etc. I just think that I wouldn't have to work so hard at accepting the these things if I looked around and fantasized too. That kind of understanding would just come more naturally to me. So I'm just not sure if that's something that I need to adjust about myself, if I'm being too idealistic, or naive, or something.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Kittens, Your not wierd or warped. To sum it up you ask that a man treat you like your special, and in return you do the same. If your guy is ogling other women or talking about what he finds attractive in them, thats pretty much disrespectful. We have 90% control over who and what we are attracted to. 100 years ago guys would knock runway models over to date a girl who today would be considered fat.
PoshPrincess Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Thanks for your replies. I just feel like maybe I'm missing out or something. I feel that I'm capable of accepting that whoever I'm w/ is going to be human, I understand all of the logic behind a guy looking at other women, that it can be completely harmless, has nothing to do w/ how much he loves his SO, etc. I just think that I wouldn't have to work so hard at accepting the these things if I looked around and fantasized too. That kind of understanding would just come more naturally to me. So I'm just not sure if that's something that I need to adjust about myself, if I'm being too idealistic, or naive, or something. As you have said, most men are going to look, it's human nature. So do a hell of a lot of women. It doesn't mean you aren't normal because you don't! Jeez, I would love to be in a R where I felt that devoted! Also, it doesn't mean your SO is out of order if he takes a 'healthy' interest in OW, particularly if they are celebrities who, lets face it, are pretty much unattainable to us mere mortals! Of course, if he constantly 'leers' at OW (and I do think there's a difference between leering and looking) and if he pays OW too much attention to them whilst in your company, THEN he is being disrespectful. I often catch my BF having a quick glance and it doesn't bother me - to be honest, I do the same! I used to be jealous myself in my younger years and it is a completely destructive and mostly irrational emotion. If your jealousy is wrecking your R then maybe you need to think about having some counselling to keep it under control. Almost everyone gets jealous from time to time. It's learning how to control it that makes the big difference.
xEmoxOtakux Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 I just signed up here and I have to say that I can definitely give a perspective on this one. Im in my mid twenties and male, and I feel precisely the same way. I wouldnt DARE look at other women, flirt, or accept / want to be flirted with. Its just not right, and its completely disrespectful to the person youre with. This makes life difficult as you come to expect the same from your significant other, and more often than not they wont be sharing the same views. I like the poster above am disgusted by all the "fake" women that many people consider good looking in todays world. I only have interest in real natural people, and that consists only of my love. A VERY difficult path to walk because were so few. I feel theres no morals left in this world anymore.
Capricorn Posted July 26, 2007 Posted July 26, 2007 I am the same way, I've been with my man for 3 years and I don't daydream about other guys ever. On occasion I may see another guy that is attractive but I don't stand there and stare and imagine screwing other men. I don't flirt with other guys or try to get attention from other men. Honestly I don't care if I ever see another guy naked again. My boyfriend is all I need to see. I have guy friends but I don't flirt with them either. My man is different too, he's not obsessed with porn and he doesn't flirt with other women. I barely ever see him look at other women in public. He might look once in a while but he does not disrespect me ever. Your not weird at all. My 2 best friends are like us too and very devoted in their relationships, I feel bad for them though cause their men have cheated on them and don't treat them so great. Decent men do exist but they are hard to find. Nowadays though even decent women are rare too. You should feel good to know you are loyal and a decent person that actually has morals. People like us are rare.
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