Tyra Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 He's a damn bastard. He's really not about anything, if he wants to dump you because you aint have sex with his ass one night. Sounds like he's stuck in adolescent to me. You can get someone better than that low-life. And I bet, eventhough his ex's did have sex with him constantly, I bet they didn't want to all the time. Then it was only 1 1/2 into yall relationship and for yall to do it all the time, come three months from now, yall would get tired of sex. Cause it would be like what's new to do? Then sex would be the main factor in yall relationship, when its not suppose to be.
norajane Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 But then he also says things like "well, I'd be there for my partner when she needed me to care or be considerate or listen or whatever, even if *i* was tired", Oh yeah? He wasn't so Considerate or Caring of your need to sleep, nor did he Listen to you when you told him you were tired when you went to bed. He wasn't Considerate or Caring, nor did he Listen and understand that having sex during a UTI was painful for you. He isn't considerate or caring enough to realize that sometimes, HE has to put YOUR needs first, too.
Heavenly55 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 sounds like he's selfish and all he cares or wants is sex. Really what is going to do when he or if he gets married. Does he think he''s gonna be getting sex 2 3 times a day lol..doubt it:rolleyes:
Author mattea Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 funny thing about that - he *was* married. he was with her for 8 1/2 yrs! i don't actually know about how it worked with them. i can't imagine that she *never* said no to sex in all that time, but then i can't imagine that even women he was with for 6 months or a year never turned it down once in awhile. that's why i asked him about how he's dealt with this in past relationships which is when he told me that in the last 3 it wasn't and issue because they wanted it all the time too or else "took care of him". he did mention that there was someone before that with whom he was "mismatched" sexually and he eventually left the relationship, not just due to the "boring sex life" but for other reasons as well. never did tell me about whether he had sex with his ex-wife EVERY single time he wanted it for 8 1/2 yrs..
serial muse Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 mattea, honestly, I think he's lying to you about his past three GFs. He's kind of insinuated that this has been an issue for him - and that wouldn't be the case if it hadn't happened before. It may well be that whoever "rejected" him in the past did it in such a way that it wasn't just a "not tonight, honey" but was a more total rejection of him - perhaps his ex-wife. But now he's projected that onto you (and onto those other GFs), and that isn't fair. From what you've described, he has used a kind of emotional blackmail to coerce other women into meeting his needs - and he tried it on you, too. Look at how guilty you feel. Sure, you could have said no more nicely, but on the other hand, you were half-asleep and his inability to adjust for that, to discuss it with you or absorb that it isn't necessarily about him - in short, his catastrophic response (breaking up with you? really???) is indeed his problem, not yours. He pretended to acknowledge that with his words - but by throwing these other women at you, he showed you what he really thinks: He made it clear that he won't try to work on this problem within himself, and instead will simply tell you the problem is you ("but they took care of me..."). You may not be able to see this amid the pain of your breakup, but that is a really, really ****ty thing to say, and it is indeed emotional blackmail. Basically, it doesn't take much picking apart to realize he's full of ****. Those other relationships DID NOT, IN FACT, LAST. There's a reason for that. Please don't let his personal issues cause you to doubt yourself here. You did nothing wrong, nothing that warrants a breakup. Just count yourself lucky to be out of this one.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Personally I'm thinking the "you don't give me sex on command" thing is an excuse. He wanted to break up and gave you a "reason."
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 mattea, honestly, I think he's lying to you about his past three GFs. He's kind of insinuated that this has been an issue for him - and that wouldn't be the case if it hadn't happened before. It may well be that whoever "rejected" him in the past did it in such a way that it wasn't just a "not tonight, honey" but was a more total rejection of him - perhaps his ex-wife. But now he's projected that onto you (and onto those other GFs), and that isn't fair. From what you've described, he has used a kind of emotional blackmail to coerce other women into meeting his needs - and he tried it on you, too. Look at how guilty you feel. Sure, you could have said no more nicely, but on the other hand, you were half-asleep and his inability to adjust for that, to discuss it with you or absorb that it isn't necessarily about him - in short, his catastrophic response (breaking up with you? really???) is indeed his problem, not yours. He pretended to acknowledge that with his words - but by throwing these other women at you, he showed you what he really thinks: He made it clear that he won't try to work on this problem within himself, and instead will simply tell you the problem is you ("but they took care of me..."). You may not be able to see this amid the pain of your breakup, but that is a really, really ****ty thing to say, and it is indeed emotional blackmail. Basically, it doesn't take much picking apart to realize he's full of ****. Those other relationships DID NOT, IN FACT, LAST. There's a reason for that. Please don't let his personal issues cause you to doubt yourself here. You did nothing wrong, nothing that warrants a breakup. Just count yourself lucky to be out of this one. I agree this guy is full of it. No one makes daily sex an issue of such staggering proportions that they would break up over one sleepy rejection knowing full well that you had gone to bed early from not feeling well, if it was a non-issue in the past. Emotionally healthy people don't usually wake people up, knowing full well they went to bed early because they didn't feel well, and demand that their own needs be met.
Author mattea Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 serial muse & trial by fire, thanks so much for your responses. i think you really did hit the nail on the head. i do feel like he was trying to maniuplate & emotionally blackmail. his last girlfriend was a lot younger, and it sounds like she was a bit needy herself, and i think she was more easily manipulated because she would have sex every time in order to keep from losing him (like someone else said) turquoise waters suggested that he just wanted to break up and this was his b.s. reason. that did occur to me, because it seemed so insane to break up with someone over this. but being in the situation, and really considering that perhaps he actually just didn't want to be with me and used this as an excuse... it doesn't ring true. i say that because he was constantly saying how much he liked me, enjoyed being with me, wanting to spend a lot of time with me (besides sex), etc. etc. i honestly believe if i had turned to him and had sex with him that night, he'd be happy as a clam, at least until the inevitable time when i said no and he just couldn't take the blow. with the realizations i'm coming to, i'm starting into the really pissed phase now, which i think is good. i realize i don't want, even a little bit, to be with someone who needs me to never say no to sex, regardless of how tired or ill i am, or else he will bail. that *is* blackmail and it's b.s. he'd rather go find another woman who doesn't feel like she can live without him so will never ever reject him and cause him to have to feel that awful feeling he has when he gets turned down. well, that isn't me, and it sounds terribly unhealthy and like an awful existence and i don't want any part of it. and while he said he knows this is a problem (amidst little indirect digs at me for not "taking care of him"), he says he has tried and he doesn't want to work on this and doesn't want to try. his loss.
Author mattea Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 and by the way, this is what he said, in an email, after i wrote and said i wanted him to come out tell me directly if he no longer wanted to date (he was being vague). this is from the same email he sent saying that, indeed, he no longer wanted to date: 'what i don't want is the feeling of reaching for my lover and having them turn away from me. i can't stand that. i hate the way that feels and i don't want to feel that way anymore. see, this may sound crazy, but whatever: i don't stop giving when i'm tired. i dunno, i still want to be there for someone, but that's just how i am. i'm not saying anything is wrong with you. we just feel differently." how do you like that? he's so giving and loving that he would to be there for someone not matter what, even when he's tired... but of course he's not saying there is anything "wrong" with me for not wanting to "give" when i'm tired. AAAH! PISSED!
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Stay pissed. This guy is unbelievable. Is his definition of giving, providing sperm?
daphne Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I never read this thread because I always knew it would piss me off. It's a loser alert. His "I don't like feeling abandoned by my lover" bs means he wants his needs meet regularly whenever or he'll find someone who can. He's a selfish bag of crap. If he ever gets married and his wife gets pregnant, I'm sure he'll cheat on her. You TOTALLY dodged a bullet.
Hazy Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Why can't you appreciate that he knows what he wants? We're only getting one side of the story. Maybe he was seeing a very early trend and had no desire to wait for it to become a full-blown pattern. Just because he acts in a way you don't understand doesn't make his decision not right for him or make you the superior person. Uhh....where in the post did she state she was the superior person?
Krytellan Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Uhh....where in the post did she state she was the superior person? Ooh, I have a fan. I do two shows a day, try to keep up. And the superiorness is in the approach to the post. Sure, he's probably a jerk in her opinion. We hear so much about why guys can't just be honest and have to play games and blah blah blah. Look, the guy had a problem, left, and stated his problem honestly. Just because the other person doesn't agree with it doesn't mean the guy doesn't have a problem. Unpopular person? Looks like it. Honest? Apparently. Knows what he wants? It would seem so. Sounds to me like it was the best thing for the poster, but it doesn't make the guy stupid or a loser. Throw rotten tomatoes at me all you like, but I can honestly say there are at least 3 women in my life that could have done me the same service by being true to themselves and saved me and themselves a lot of time. This is just a perfect example of a classic "Male Bashing" post because some guy wanted more than his girlfriend gave him and walked away under that very pretense. Honesty apparently isn't what people want.
jcster Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 This is just a perfect example of a classic "Male Bashing" post because some guy wanted more than his girlfriend gave him and walked away under that very pretense. Honesty apparently isn't what people want. Wow! No it is NOT a classic example of the "Male Bashing" post! This woman was dumped by her boyfriend because he was treating her like a sex toy! He dumped her because she was ill and asleep and didn't want to have sex! On what planet was this OK? The guy is mental. I think I'll skip your next show.
AriaIncognito Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 My assumption is, in a prior relationship he had a bad sex life where he wasn't getting his needs met at all and he was then taking it out on you. I can understand how it can happen, but it doesn't make it fair for you to have to deal with. He needs to deal with his own emotions and realize he projecting feelings from his past onto his present. Unforunately, many people are unwilling to deal with the root cause of their issues, so you're better off letting him try to find this woman that will deal with it. He won't find her. My ex, whom I am still friends with, we dated for many years, and broke up because basically we became more close friends than lovers. He wanted someone to do it daily, or every other day, or whatever, and well, since we were becoming more like bro and sis, we didn't. He did get married to a girl who had a drive akin to his, but now, after 2 kids, it's all off kilter and he's worried about her ever being the same again. Moral of my above story, even when you think you've found exactly what you need, people change after so many years, so don't think you can bank on always having the perfect life, forever. Well that's aimed towards your ex, not you. I think you're being realistic, and you shouldn't feel "forced" to do something you really dont want to do at the time. Sure, there's always a "better way" to break the news, hindsight is 20/20, so just remember in the future that when you need to turn someone down, try to be more mindful of how it feels on their end to be rejected.
miss snoopy Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Personally I think the rejection was always going to happen. My ex (who had told me he loved me just half an hour earlier) broke up with me for a silly reason, after an argument, and for weeks I spent sleepless nights tossing and turning, reliving that night and wishing we had just got drunk instead, anything else to avoid that argument.. but now I can look at it objectively and it's so obvious he was always going to walk, which is what he did with all his relationships, as he has serious issues with commitment. Like me, you're lucky this didn't last longer than it did. Anyone who can attach such huge importance to trivialities is not likely to hang around for very long, either physically or emotionally. Imagine him walking out after you're married, or after kids?
Recommended Posts