mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 this is so lame, and i feel stupid even typing into this box. but i could use some support, cause i'm feeling really disappointed and hurt and angry. i was just dumped by a guy i was dating for about 1 1/2 months. we were getting to know each other and had an attraction for about 5 months prior to dating. he told me he loves me, and i was falling for him too. we had a lot of fun together, were at ease together, liked to do similar things, both wanted to spend about the same amount of time together, wanted to socialize with other people about the same amount, and had a great chemistry and attraction. so what was the problem you ask? he couldn't deal with me not wanting to have sex every night. first off, we had sex once or twice a day, every day we spent time together, which was usually 5 times per week. secondly, up until last night, the reasons i didn't want to have sex were because i had a urinary tract infection or because i had my period. last night was the first time i didn't want to have sex just because i was really tired and a little grumpy. we'd just had sex that morning too, so it wasn't like we were deprived. i feel asleep. he woke me up later wanting sex, i turned him down, and then.... he WENT HOME in the middle of the night. and now wants to stop dating because of it. he says it's not the amount of sex we have, but that it feels plain awful to him to be pushed away by his lover when he reaches for her. he feels abandoned and unloved. he says he knows this is his flaw, but that he would rather be apart than risk feeling that way again. ugh. i asked, hasn't this been a problem in your other relationships? (we're both in our 30s and have had several long-term relationships). he said no, that his last girlfriend was "there for him" in this way because she wanted to take care of his needs, the one before that was really horny and wanted to have sex 2-3 times a day, and the one before that was also horny and they had sex pretty much daily for the year they were together, including during her period. i just can't imagine that these last 3 women NEVER turned him down, not ONCE during their relationships. i'm so mad that someone who claims to love me would break off our relationship because i was too tired to have sex one night, even though we're pretty much getting it on every day otherwise. WTF?
shadowplay Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 WTF is right. Dude's got problems. Be happy he's out of your life.
norajane Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 i asked, hasn't this been a problem in your other relationships? (we're both in our 30s and have had several long-term relationships). he said no, that his last girlfriend was "there for him" in this way because she wanted to take care of his needs, the one before that was really horny and wanted to have sex 2-3 times a day, and the one before that was also horny and they had sex pretty much daily for the year they were together, including during her period. i just can't imagine that these last 3 women NEVER turned him down, not ONCE during their relationships. Well, if these ladies wanted to take care of his needs so well, why isn't he still with any of them??? i'm so mad that someone who claims to love me would break off our relationship because i was too tired to have sex one night, even though we're pretty much getting it on every day otherwise.WTF? You should be mad. He doesn't know the meaning of love if he can do such a thing. As you said, this is sooooo lame...HE is so lame, and completely selfish and inconsiderate of YOUR needs.
annabelle75 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Well, if these ladies wanted to take care of his needs so well, why isn't he still with any of them??? You should be mad. He doesn't know the meaning of love if he can do such a thing. As you said, this is sooooo lame...HE is so lame, and completely selfish and inconsiderate of YOUR needs. I agree. This guy doesn't know what love is. At the very least he wasn't really in love with you. A man who loved you would not bail out for such a ridiculous reason. Either he was lying for the reason he wants to end things or he is just that "messed up" in the head. Either way you ar ebetter off with out him.
Krytellan Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Why can't you appreciate that he knows what he wants? We're only getting one side of the story. Maybe he was seeing a very early trend and had no desire to wait for it to become a full-blown pattern. Just because he acts in a way you don't understand doesn't make his decision not right for him or make you the superior person.
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Why can't you appreciate that he knows what he wants? We're only getting one side of the story. Maybe he was seeing a very early trend and had no desire to wait for it to become a full-blown pattern. Just because he acts in a way you don't understand doesn't make his decision not right for him or make you the superior person. I'm sure his decision was right for him, otherwise he'd have stayed in the relationship. I'm not sure what trend he might have been seeing, given that this was the first time I didn't want sex when he did, save for times when i had a urinary tract infection or cramps. It's true that you're getting only one side of the story. What he said was that he can't handle the way he feels when I turned him away sexually like I did last night. He said he wants to have sex with his lover every night before he goes to sleep and that's what makes him feel loved, and if he's turned away it feels awful. That's really all I have to go on, and I don't understand that. I never wanted him to feel "unloved" or "abandoned", I just can't promise to be sexually available 100% of the time *whenever* he wants me. I don't feel superior, just hurt amd confused and disapointed that someone I had such a good thing with (including good sex pretty much daily) would break up with me for the reason he gives. he said he loved the sex life we had, just couldn't deal with ever being turned away. I'd love to understand better, so if somebody else has felt the way he's told me he does, I'd appreciate whatever clarity you can help give me.
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Wow, miniscule self-image...with a great need for validation through sex... Personally, I think the writing's on the wall when he won't even hold back for the sake of your UTI. I mean come on. You're in extreme pain and he's pressures you for booty? Zero empathy, very selfish.
jcster Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Why can't you appreciate that he knows what he wants? We're only getting one side of the story. Maybe he was seeing a very early trend and had no desire to wait for it to become a full-blown pattern. Just because he acts in a way you don't understand doesn't make his decision not right for him or make you the superior person. Ummmmm..... she had a urinary tract infection? How is that one-sided? what part of her post was one sided? Yeah, he saw a very "early trend" of her sticking up for herself and her own comfort!
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Yep, he pretty much has owned it that he can't stand being turned away by his lover, for whatever reason, and that maybe this means he is "flawed", but it is the way he is and he can't change it. It's not an mental thing he says, but emotional and he feels awful when it happens. He says it's his problem, not mine. But then he also says things like "well, I'd be there for my partner when she needed me to care or be considerate or listen or whatever, even if *i* was tired", which I take to mean that he thinks I am selfish to turn him away sexually one night when I was really tired and already sleeping. Again, I'd see it if I was turning down sex every day for a week, but we had sex every day as it was! Again, he said it wasn't the amount of sex we were having, but that he can't handle being turned away EVER when he reaches for me. What just amazes me is that this wasn't a problem ever in his last 3 relationships? There was NEVER a time when one of his last 3 girlfriends didn't have sex with him when he wanted to? I guess he can get this need met, and I'm just not right for him.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 On top of a UTI being painful, it was probably caused because they were having sex a LOT. This guy was not deprived. Also men can catch a UTI from a woman. Consider yourself lucky this guy is gone. He is probably alone and having to take care of his needs with his "hand" now, so when men claim the "taking care of my needs" that is ridiculous, men can go without sex without dying. It's not like they're being deprived of air or water for a day or two (or a week.) I think those other women were so desperate to keep him, they had sex a lot of times with him when they didn't want to, and that just isn't right. It is not the woman's job to provide a man sex on demand, like a sex slave or something, that is ridiculous.
IpAncA Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 WTF is right. Dude's got problems. Be happy he's out of your life. I agree. Move on.
DateAnalyzer Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 well that may happen to me in the future since I'm unable to have sex everynight-lol
Reckless Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 If he is looking for a woman that will never in a lifetime of being together turn him down for sex a single time, a woman that is up and ready for 2 or 3 sessions a day for the rest of her life then it is only fair he look for her. He knows the kind of woman he needs and has every right to look for her. He will find this woman riding a unicorn, at the foot of a rainbow, living in a little town called shargri-la just left of a field covered in 4-leaf clovers cultivated by leprecauns. Rejection is never easy and rejection in the bedroom stings like no other, possibly feeling cranky you were a little harsher than necessary (playing devils advocate here) or he did indeed see what he interpreted as signs of things to come in the relationship and jumped ship while he still could. If he was being true to himself you have to be just as true to yourself, on that occassion you could not accomodate his needs. That is honestly how you were feeling at the time. You have a right to those feelings as much as he has the right to his. Few people break up over a single incident, good relationships are made when both can be flexible (or at least they can forgiving). If he has no flexibility in that area he will no doubt prove to be a difficult man to live with; when you stop feeling so bad about how it happened you may well start thanking your lucky stars that it did. R ps. I think you did good girl, hell my back would have gone after a week...
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Overall, I guess that's why we date. It allows us to weed out the incompatibles. In this situation, living with someone this insecure would be a lifetime of hell. It's one thing when someone dumps based on cumulative issues but one non-personal rejection in the bedroom? No thanks. If anything, I would guess this could slowly cripple your perception of sex if you're always worried about having to put out, instead of relaxing and enjoying the event.
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 thanks for all the responses! and there were some pretty good laughs in there too, which were much needed and much appreciated. perhaps i was a bit harsh that night - he woke me up saying he "needed me", i was needing me sleep and i didn't really say much but just kind of pushed his hand away and turned away. whatever. i think what trialbyfire said is really true - i think it would gradually erode my enjoyment of sex if i felt saying no one night out of the week when i just didn't feel like it was going to cause my lover to run for the hills. i know, it does sting to be rejected in the bedroom but we can't all want it at the same time every time, and i wasn't uninterested in sex or withholding it from him all the time or something. he seems to have likened not being there for your partner when they need emotional support, or someone to listen and care to not "being there" for your partner when they "need" sex. this bothers me. i do think it would be lame if i was in a relationship with someone and they never or next-to-never wanted to have sex, but that wasn't the case. and not only that, but i wouldn't expect a partner to be able to be emotional support for me *every* single time in needed it without fail, 100% of the time, especially if i needed it every night!
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 He sounds very immature and into himself! I mean, if he can't understand that there are times when you won't feel like having sex, then it's HIS issue, not yours. Maybe he only 'feels' loved by having sex, and for him, you not having sex with him that night upset him, enough to end it.
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 you are exactly right, whichwasisup. he has told me that he feels loved by having sex. and it upset him very much to tell me he needed me and have me turn him away. then he felt "unloved" and "abandoned".
oppath Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 There are times when as a guy I'm too tired to have sex! Do I want it a lot? Yes. Hells ****ing yes. But not always. I want to have sex most times I see my gf's; especially if I only see them twice a week. But turning someone down once or twice isn't rejection. I'm only rejected if our dates can't really end in a romantic capacity a few times in a row and sex isn't much of an option. There are times this can happen -- out with friends of friends, family issues, etc -- then I pretty much say "I want to have sex later this week." And I feel neglected and hurt if it doesn't happen. But if I've already had sex a couple times that week, skipping a day is nothing.
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 have sex! Do I want it a lot? Yes. Hells ****ing yes. QUOTE] oppath you made me laugh! i want it a lot too! pretty much daily. guess that's not enough!
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 oops, messed up the quote. well, you get the picture
Star Gazer Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Why can't you appreciate that he knows what he wants? We're only getting one side of the story. Maybe he was seeing a very early trend and had no desire to wait for it to become a full-blown pattern. Just because he acts in a way you don't understand doesn't make his decision not right for him or make you the superior person. Ever since your ex broke up with you you've been completely unable to empathize with the OPs in any thread and instead go on a full attack. It's getting tiring. There's a balance, even when you disagree. Anyway, Mattea, how was your delivery of the rejection?? Sometimes it's all about delivery...
oppath Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I agree it's all about the delivery, but unless she was screaming about it, considering it was the middle of the night, that water should flow under the bridge by morning. I like sex a lot. But sometimes it is good to sometimes not have it. Great sex can sometimes keep a relationship going longer than it should. At the same time, great sex can sustain a relationship for a couple weeks if there is a rough patch or someone is moody. If a girl turned me down a couple dates in a row, I'd be a little tiffed. But that is not the case. I'm perplexed, unless he was mostly interested in the sex and is largely using it as an excuse to bail, thinking you might be more interested in something serious, but that doesn't quite fit the profile either.
Author mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 yeah, my delivery left something to be desired i'm sure. i really didn't say much... just kind of moved his hand away and turned way from him. he was saying "i need you", and i kind of half-asleep mumbled something like "what's wrong, what do you need?". kind of dumb because it was obvious what he "needed". i guess i should have said something like, "baby, i'm sorry but i'm just exhausted and can't wake up right now, can we have sex in the morning?". but i guess i was kind of sleepy and kind of annoyed that he woke me up when i'd told him before i went to sleep that i was really tired. i just wanted it to be ok that i didn't want to for one night. but i still don't think it's worth breaking up with someone over, even if their delivery was bad (unless they said something really mean and awful or something), and especially when you're having sex pretty much every day otherwise. i wasn't getting too serious too fast, i don't think. actually, he was moving a little faster than i was and wanting a serious relationship, telling me he loved me, etc. he knew that i also want a relationship and i spent a lot of time with him, did nice things for him, listened when he needed an ear, etc., etc. he said he liked our sex life too. believe me, i'm preplexed as well. i just wonder if there is something he's not telling me. he kept saying how much he liked me, how much he enjoyed spending time with me, what a great person i am, etc. etc. but this just set him off and he left. and then when i pushed him to talk to me, he said he didn't want to date me anymore. this is what he said: "i don't want to date someone who turns away from me when i reach out for them. i wish i was 'stronger', sorry. feeling abandoned like that just makes me want to stop giving and stop trying. i can't help it. sorry."
jcster Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I think his reaction was bad enough. He obviously has some emotional problems for this to be such an issue. What makes it worse - is that he wants sex WHENEVER he demands it! He woke you up in the middle of the night for it, for pete's sake - he needs to realize that some folks are up for it then, and some ain't. At least he woke you up though. I know a woman who woke up in the middle of the night because her boyfriend was having sex with her while she was sleeping!! She was so creeped out, she broke up with him right then.
oppath Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Don't rationalize his reaction, mattea, you could have expressed anger at him and that would have been fine. Anger is expressed in relationships; it's not always desirable but it happens.
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