alphamale Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Have you tried to tell him why you're with him in the first place? Like he makes your life more stable or better, happier, etc. He probably thinks that you might leave him if he's not that successful. good point JCD....it already looks like she's controlling the flow of the relationship and now she's makeing even more $$$ than him. I'm sure he feels very insecure and powerless.
Hazy Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 What do you mean, she's already controlling the flow of the relationship? Any man who would feel insecure by this is an idiot. I've never had that problem, I have dated men who made a little less than me, it had no impact. Most men I date are more impressed by my education and that I actually work in a professional field. Seriously, any man is an idiot who has a problem with his girlfriend making more money than he does. If he wants to make more money, he can always further his education or look for a higher paying job. In the end it's just money and like I said...only an idiot would have a problem with you making more and only an idiot would not be happy for you getting a raise. If he loved you, he would be supportive and happy for you, and in fact take you out to celebrate.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Hazy, Where have you been? Every guy on the planet knows that women are more attracted to the $$$ than to the man who has it. Obviously if your woman is making more money than you... you become Carlos the pool boy. Your that short term feel good fling until a guy comes along that makes more money. Read StarGazers post, she likes the guy who makes more than her.
serial muse Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Read StarGazers post, she likes the guy who makes more than her. Holy misinterpretation, Batman! She likes the guy who is happy for her and her accomplishments, and revels in them along with her - doesn't make her feel bad or guilty about them. That may be because he makes more money than her anyway, or because he is secure in himself. Either way, the result is she gets to celebrate her accomplishments without having to worry about him projecting guilt onto her. Who wouldn't prefer that guy to the whiny one??? :rolleyes::rolleyes:
Krytellan Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 What do you mean, she's already controlling the flow of the relationship? Any man who would feel insecure by this is an idiot. Hazy, Hazy, Hazy. How dare you attack my character the way you do for stating my opinions and then come back with something like this. A few clarifications: Not every guy who feels this was about income levels would ask that the woman change jobs. I had an uncomfortable experience in that respect but couldn't fathom even thinking of making a request like that. Also, let's not assume that there isn't something in the dynamic that can lead to the man (or anyone) feeling that way. There may be things that the person does, knowlingly or not, to dangle this aspect around. The biggest problem I had in the relationship that had this issue was that she was stingy with her money and I wasn't. It was almost like it was OK for "us" to spend my money at less than half her income, but I was made to feel uncomfortable in trying to get her to spill more. THATS a problem.
serial muse Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 The biggest problem I had in the relationship that had this issue was that she was stingy with her money and I wasn't. It was almost like it was OK for "us" to spend my money at less than half her income, but I was made to feel uncomfortable in trying to get her to spill more. THATS a problem. Yes, that would definitely be a problem for me, too, K. But it's really a different issue than the one the OP brought up.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Holy misinterpretation, Batman! She likes the guy who is happy for her and her accomplishments, and revels in them along with her - doesn't make her feel bad or guilty about them. That may be because he makes more money than her anyway, or because he is secure in himself. Either way, the result is she gets to celebrate her accomplishments without having to worry about him projecting guilt onto her. Who wouldn't prefer that guy to the whiny one??? :rolleyes::rolleyes: Nope, I did read her post. I just focused on the facts. Sure I could be completely off base, but it illustrates my point very well. Even if both guys were happy and supportive the outcome would more than likely be the same. It would just sound like... "$$$ and I have so much more in common"... blah blah blah. I've been on both sides of that coin and I can honestly say it really doesnt matter whether you captain supportive or not. It takes a really special woman to be supportive of a guy that makes less. Most times it turns into resentment for his lack of ambition... ect.
Woggle Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I have no issue with a woman making more than me but many very successful women get a complex that make them an absolute nightmare to be in a relationship with.
Krytellan Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I have no issue with a woman making more than me but many very successful women get a complex that make them an absolute nightmare to be in a relationship with. I agree that that can be the case at times. They have a way about them that can make it a difficult situation for the other person. But no more or less so than some men in the same situation.
electric_sheep Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I have no issue with a woman making more than me but many very successful women get a complex that make them an absolute nightmare to be in a relationship with. This could be the actual problem, and I hate to say it, but alphamale may have a point too, about "controlling the flow of the relationship". People are on all sorts of power trips, whether it be about money, looks, sex, or whatever. If both partners are truly egalitarian I don't see what the problem is. Historically, jack-ass manipulative men have used money to control, manipulate, and intimidate the women in their lives. I saw my own father do it to my mother and sister, and when I was in my teens he tried to do it to me. I told him to f*ck off and worked two jobs while I was still in high school. Anyway, it wouldn't be surprising to find out big earning women do the same thing, and this is probably what irritates men, not the money itself. It seems a hierarchy almost naturally gets imposed in most relationships, even if one of the partners doesn't want it that way. I know I am "in charge" in my relationship, and I certainly didn't want it to be that way. My girlfriend basically just told me I had to be in charge.
dbtmarley Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 My wife is a chemical engineer and makes twice as much as I do. She graduated high school with goals and finished college. Me, I did a stint in prison... got out and went to college. It's my fault I am not making as much as her, but I am glad she makes the money she does. It helps make our life so much easier and it is not an issue with us. I would be leary of a person who did not want to celebrate my happiness and achievements. Personally I think it is selfish of him.
Woggle Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 The point is that when women start making more they quickly lose respect for the man. For as much talk about equality the only women I know who respect their men is when the man is the stronger one or they are at least equals.
alphamale Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 What do you mean, she's already controlling the flow of the relationship? Any man who would feel insecure by this is an idiot. well HAZY from what I gathered in the original post it sounds like she is the one setting the pace of the relationship. she's telling him what to do and say and when to do and say it. that is my honest impression then the whole salary discrepancy thing is another issue on top of that personally, I would never put myself in that situation with any woman...but thats just me
Sondance Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Since my divorce, I've dated several women who make more money than me, some have lasted a long time, some not so long... I tend to actually prefer these women as they are educated, smart, and not needy. My experience has shown that they normally have a tough time meeting/staying with guys for any period of time, are very independent, do not hesitate to let you know that they don't "need" you but instead "want" you, and to a certain extent attempt (and normally succeed) at controlling the relationship. A few have mentioned to me that they prefer dating guys who make less as guys who make equal or more than them are not necessarily the most faithful guys, as they can attract multiple women looking for a guy with $$$, nor are they as "flexible" to the demands of the woman's work schedule, since for the most part, they are just as involved with their careers. Where I see the gap exists is within the traditional, long held views of male/female roles... i.e. the man makes more $$$, therefore the man pays for everything. So, if you're making less than the woman who can, let's say, easily afford travel, and dining out at real nice places rather frequently, eventually you're going to have a hard time keeping up. With all due respect, these women will certainly "help" with the finances and that's great, but you'll never get to the point (again, in my experience), where they will just cover all expenses... If you think about it, when a man makes decent money, and the man really digs a gal, he's going to spend money taking her places, doing things, etc without even thinking about the gal spending her own money. But in that respect the man can control how often they go out, at what level the $$ is spent, etc. The women I have met who make more than I, are not at this point, and quite frankly I'm not sure I'd be comfy with them paying for everything anyway, but this has been my experience... To answer the original post, my thoughts... He should be celebrating your success and supporting you, no doubt! This whole thing about asking someone to "not be so successful" is crazy... let the chips fall where they will. Some of us have the skills, ambition, and focus to get ahead career wise, while others prefer to have lives outside of a career and choose a simpler path... doesn't mean anyone is wrong, it's just choice....
alphamale Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 My experience has shown that they normally have a tough time meeting/staying with guys for any period of time, are very independent, do not hesitate to let you know that they don't "need" you but instead "want" you, and to a certain extent attempt (and normally succeed) at controlling the relationship..... man, thats the truth! one of my buddies is married to a career-woman who makes double or triple what he does and she totally rules the roost. none of his friends or family can figure out why he is with this domineering and controlling woman. and on top of it she is not even average looking.
Krytellan Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Where I see the gap exists is within the traditional, long held views of male/female roles... i.e. the man makes more $$$, therefore the man pays for everything. So, if you're making less than the woman who can, let's say, easily afford travel, and dining out at real nice places rather frequently, eventually you're going to have a hard time keeping up. With all due respect, these women will certainly "help" with the finances and that's great, but you'll never get to the point (again, in my experience), where they will just cover all expenses... You did a wonderful job of putting into words what I wasn't able to. What you write almost completely sums up my 8 month experience with dating someone that makes more. She wanted to be treated like a "traditional" woman which means being taken out and things of that nature but did accept her "traditional" female duties within the relationship (and before I get bashed by all the LS women, I'm not talking about sex). ... it really smelled of entitlement, though not in the slimy way that they word implies. She meant well, just wasn't aware.
Woggle Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Sondance sums it up perfectly. It is more the personality that goes along with these women rather than the fact that they make more. If a woman makes good money like my W does and she can still be a good partner I am all for it. There are women who don't make squat and still have the men are disposable attitude.
Author annabelle75 Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 I have alwasy tended to date men that make less money than I do. Its not money that is the issue really. I work in a very professional white collar community, which is why I make more money than men that are more blue collar. I find myself more attracted to blue collar guys. Stuffy guys in suits don't do it for me. I know that sounds so completely shallow but its the truth. I tend to lean more towards blue collar guys. I'll choose a sweaty mechanic over a stuffy lawyer anyday.
Hazy Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 You did a wonderful job of putting into words what I wasn't able to. What you write almost completely sums up my 8 month experience with dating someone that makes more. She wanted to be treated like a "traditional" woman which means being taken out and things of that nature but did accept her "traditional" female duties within the relationship (and before I get bashed by all the LS women, I'm not talking about sex). ... it really smelled of entitlement, though not in the slimy way that they word implies. She meant well, just wasn't aware. Well when I was seeing a man who made the same as I did but had two kids and child support to pay, I paid quite often (after the first few dates.) . He really appreciated it, and loved me more for it. I felt it was more of an equal partnership, he was at a disadvantage for having a large mortgage and two kids to support. He still took me out, and was the "man" (opening doors, etc.)
DanielMadr Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 I think your enhanced salary was just the last drop. That diverted "L bomb " was probably the greatest blow. He probably thinks you are with him only for the delight to see his ego suffer Equality is BS. Everyone knows once a guy is "lower" (money thing is only a piece of puzzle) than his women, she loses her respect for him and kicks him out. And now you add another piece of puzzle. Men need to feel they are needed. You should compensate that - you dont need him for income so you need him for love, security, smarts, stability, honesty etc. And let him know that. I would say you are pretty dominant and you need someone more dominant than you (thats why you prefer hardhats to pussy lawyers). And you dont love this one. Or do you? Finding someone tough as bricklayer and wealthy as lawyer is not an easy quest.
electric_sheep Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Reading over some of these replies one would get the impression that dating is nothing more than a power struggle and a clash between egos. It really saddens me. Frankly, I think there is some truth to it, and unfortunately it only requires one partner to take this attitude to screw up a relationship. The implication that someone is "lower" or "higher" than you implies some sort of criteria by which to measure the intrinsic "worthiness" of a human being, a hypothesis I don't agree with at all. This kind of self and other "rating", to use lingo from the famous psychologist Albert Ellis, can be very destructive. I think it is one of the side effects of living in our ego dominated, self-esteem promoting culture. Not that I've been able to avoid it in my own relationships, just read here (a cynical thread discussing my disgust with the whole thing): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91719/ "It is my contention that the promotion of 'self-esteem' has done demonstrably more harm than good, and that the prudent individual will resist the arrogant and childish temptation to 'esteem himself.'" --David Mills
Hazy Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 I think your enhanced salary was just the last drop. That diverted "L bomb " was probably the greatest blow. He probably thinks you are with him only for the delight to see his ego suffer Equality is BS. Everyone knows once a guy is "lower" (money thing is only a piece of puzzle) than his women, she loses her respect for him and kicks him out. And now you add another piece of puzzle. Men need to feel they are needed. You should compensate that - you dont need him for income so you need him for love, security, smarts, stability, honesty etc. And let him know that. I would say you are pretty dominant and you need someone more dominant than you (thats why you prefer hardhats to pussy lawyers). And you dont love this one. Or do you? Finding someone tough as bricklayer and wealthy as lawyer is not an easy quest. Sorry, guys, but I read NOTHING in her post which suggests she is dominant or domineering in the relationship. She simply makes more money than him and he is being an ******* about it instead of celebrating the fact that he has an awesome kickass girlfriend.
mental_traveller Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Well - he feels uncomfortable about you earning twice his salary, I think we can take that as fact. You just have to ask yourself, are you happy keeping quiet about your earnings to placate his discomfort? Or do you want to be with someone where this isn't an issue (i.e. someone who doesn't care what you earn, or is pleased for you if you more)? IMO it's insecurity to be worried that your gf earns more than you do. But a lot of guys seem to be insecure about this. You just have to decide if you want to break up over this, or would you prefer to just keep your salary to yourself.
DanielMadr Posted August 4, 2007 Posted August 4, 2007 Sorry, guys, but I read NOTHING in her post which suggests she is dominant or domineering in the relationship. She simply makes more money than him and he is being an ******* about it instead of celebrating the fact that he has an awesome kickass girlfriend. I just see further than that cliche about insecure, inferiority complex ridden azzholes. He probably is one. Who cares. She never loved him anyway and now she rants about his attitude feeding that old cliche about men afraid of richer women. She would get pretty insecure too if he would win 1mil in lottery, wouldnt she? Im not saying its OK. He should be happy for her and for him....more money for both of them and their children right? Who cares women dont marry down very often. Who cares her wage will be off for at least 1 year when the baby is born. Who cares she will be the one buying surprise vacation tickets to Honolulu.
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2007 Posted August 5, 2007 I would say you are pretty dominant and you need someone more dominant than you (thats why you prefer hardhats to pussy lawyers). Ahahhahahhahha.... You obviously don't know any lawyers or at least very well. While they have a veneer of civility, inside they're tougher than a chuck steak seered on high temp for an hour. If you want extra tough, try a litigator.
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