veryverysadgirl Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 the separation has been four weeks today. it feels like forever. he's had his ups and downs (as have i). i've been as patient and understanding as i could be. long story short is that while he still tells me he loves me, he's increasingly angry at me. he says it's years of pent up anger. he felt oppressed because he never was very assertive. it's partly my fault for not creating a better environment. it's partly his fault for not telling me. LONG story. i don't want to disucss THAt part just now. but please PLEASE can someone tell me how to deal with this new bout of anger? he's almost uncontrollably angry at me lately. he's SO tense ANY time he sees me or speaks to me. and he's just so angry. what do i do? please, please, please tell me what to do.
Tyra Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Well,how long have you two been dating eachother? He tells you that he loves you, this and that, but at the same time, he gets angry with you? He's contradicting himself. He doesn't know what the hell he wants.Maybe this separation is a good thing.You can learn from it,and see whether or not you want to put up with this.And what do you mean when you said its your fault you didn't create a better environment.
Author veryverysadgirl Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 i already went over details a few weeks ago. i can't right now. i'm too exhausted. that's the thing. he says he's emotionally exhausted, too. he's not able to really give me any emotional support, and he's very, very easy to anger. i get NO emotional support from him right now. i'm very alone. friends around supporting or not, i'm still very alone right now because he's always been my best friend. but he can't be right now. at some point, i'll be able to say (as my mother told me to say), "either **** or get off the pot." but for now, i really, really want this marriage to work. i love him so much and we have (had?) a lot going for us. he's very angry and very confused right now. i just need to know how to get me through this and how to react to him. how do you deal with someone who's so angry at you? and who's so tense around you? he's constnatly expecting something to happen. for me to bring up the elephant in the room, for me to yell at him (i haven't lost my temper with him in a LONG time), etc. he brings anxiety to the table before he even sees me. and now there's anxiety AND anger. so what do *I* do during this phase? how am i supposed to respond? and after you answer that, tell me this...how do people survive this?!
Missy27 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Go NC (No Contact) ~~ Totally NC for at least a month. Personally, being an In for a penny in for a pound kind of girl, I would have kicked his backside out for good as soon as he even breathed the words "trial separation" ......... But that's me, not you. Your situation maybe different, in which case you've got to at least present him with the gift of missing you. His anger is text book of the little boy who never grew up .... Emotionally I mean. Consequently, lacking the tools to cope with marriage his resentment towards you increases. If I were you I would let him go. You being around him when he gets angry only serves to feed his perception that YOU are the root cause of his frustration. Leave him alone for any lengthy period of time and little boy's going to come to realise that it's not actually you thats at the heart of this ........ Its HIM. Then and only then can he pick his a$$ up off the floor and come back to you, hat in hand and beg you to even think about letting him back through the door
funkybassplayer Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I have felt opressed in my last relationship. In my case she was very selfish to my feelings, and everything had to revolve around her. she finished with me partly b/c i would not move up to her and sell my house as she was still married and not willing to divorce, and partly b/c i was going off her in a sexual way due to her as a person. I felt that i was number 3 in her life, and after the split, also felt very angry towards her. cant say why, and i did walk away from her after saying my feelings in the relationship about her issues, and she would never change things that really needed to be delt with from her previous marriage, i felt hurt an unloved. (and shes with some1 new just days after the split) I went into no contact and all i can say is that im healing fast without her in my life. I cant say why he felt opressed, but its not a good place to be, and if you were showing him that he was number 1 to you, he had no right to feel like that. But he does, and when your away from the relationship, all your (his) emotions come out that he kept inside. It takes a long time for them to go, the only emotion i have left is anger for the way i was treated. I would speak to her again, but not yet, (of course if she ever wanted to talk to me that is) Thats my point of view how he may be feeling, hope it helps.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Personally, being an In for a penny in for a pound kind of girl, I would have kicked his backside out for good as soon as he even breathed the words "trial separation" ......... That's what I'd have done too. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, and neither one of us are tolerant of this kind of thing. He wouldn't have put up with the "trial separation" gambit from me, and I certainly wouldn't have tolerated it from him. Our attitudes are more old-school, I suppose... ala.. "There's the door, don't let it smack ya in the ass." I think it's KNOWING that which has kept us together through the rough times. It was always a matter of 'work it out' or 'split'. So, if we weren't actually ready to split, we had no other option but to 'work it out'.
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