wantingmore Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Twelve years of marriage... and I'm lucky to get it once a month. Is this normal for a man? It's not his blood pressure, diabetes, testosterone, etc. It's him and we've fought about it for all these years on and off til I'm worn and empty... I have one in college and one at home - they are my life and don't want to hurt them but I feel like I'm wasting away my life - but then I think there 'ARE more important things in life, but I just can't UNDERSTAND why a man wouldn't want/seek sex with his wife - and then I start wondering... porn, other woman/man, gay???? What? Please if there are other men out there than can help me understand.
Crazyinlove7 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Hi, Well...I am in the same boat as you. I have only been married 2 yrs and my husband doesn't want sex either. We will have great sex one month and then he will go cold turkey the next. It is so confusing and it sux. I mean yeah I can please my self...but what gives? He says he loves me and he kisses me and is attracted to me...but no sex? I don't know what this world is coming to where MEN don't wanta have sex. Maybe your husband works a lot and is to tierd at the end of the day. Do you have any reasons to believe that he mite be cheating? I dont know how old you are...but Men love sex in there 20...well most NOT MY HUSBAND. 30s woman love sex and men don't...its psychologically proven. Anyway...40s is when sex comes back into relationship. Maybe if u go cold turkey form him it mite effect him a lot....or start wearing sexy things and act different get ur self busy. ....it mite entice him more...that's all I can tellya...any advice for me?
Tyra Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Wantingmore, ask your husband what's the deal.Tell him that you need sex in your life. Maybe if you try turning up the romance, it'll change his mind.Even if he works hard everyday,he should be wanting it sometimes.But the things that came in your head like'another woman, gay, etc., would come in mines too.Cause who likes masturbating every night if you have a penis right beside you.
Tyra Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Wantingmore, ask your husband what's the deal.Tell him that you need sex in your life. Maybe if you try turning up the romance, it'll change his mind.Even if he works hard everyday,he should be wanting it sometimes.But the things that came in your head like'another woman, gay, etc., would come in mines too.Cause who likes masturbating every night if you have a penis right beside you.
PositiveShine Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 WM, I just ended a 2.5 yr relationship with a man who just wasn't compatible sexually with me. He traveled a lot to begin with and wasn't a cheater, so you'd think when he came home wanting me would be the first thing on his mind. I always felt like it was something he had to force himself to do, or cross it off the list to keep me happy. I thought I could teach him to be more sexual and free with that side of himself, but I realized that was just "him". I'm not sure whether it was low libido, low self-esteem, or gay. The homosexual topic definitely was on my mind a lot, and even a psychologist suggested it after meeting me. We are both attractive people and came across as the perfect couple in public. But when alone I felt myself becoming more and more self-conscious, lacking self esteem, and feeling like I wasn't desired. I tried explaining how I was feeling, but how can you change someone's chemistry? Finally, after several months of frustration (coming out in other ways, but mostly about this issue), I ended it about 4 weeks ago. It was scary, but I knew that something was "off" or "missing" and it wasn't my job to make it right. Take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy.
tommyr Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 .. but I just can't UNDERSTAND why a man wouldn't want/seek sex with his wife I really do feel for you - it hurts alot to be married to someone who shows no interest (or even willingness) for sex. If you were a man posting this question, the standard answers would include stuff like: never help her around the house, never compliment her, never clean the kitchen, never take the kids out so she gets a break. BUT... since a woman is asking, here are things my wife has done (mostly in the past) which caused me to not seek sex with her, these are listed in order of negative sexual effects:focus entirely on the kids - spend every moment doing or planning stuff the kids will enjoy. Only speak to husband if you need backup childcare, money for some kid activity, or go shopping for yourselfstop doing any physical exercise and eat with impunity (resulting in extra 35 pounds)take multiple naps during the day, but NEVER goto bed at night same time as husband. Instead, lie on sofa eating popcorn and read People magazine. Sleep late into the morning, waking only after husband must goto workstandard attire at home is sweatpants with a heavy bathrobe on top, alternate wearing winter coat inside the houseI am not trying to sound sarcastic. I am trying to be honest about things that really killed my sexual attraction to my wife. The funny thing is that through all that, my sex drive was STILL stronger than hers, and it seemed like she was purposely doing things intended to dampen my sex drive. Some good news - it IS possible to recover from this. It takes alot of time, money, and patience but you CAN get back to a loving and sexually intimate marriage.
dbtmarley Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 No matter how hot a woman is there is always a man that is tired of screwing her. That is just the way it is..
vivi Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 first thing this guy needs to get a complete physical checkup, including bloodwork, from a specialist.There's always Viagra. sometimes guys would rather go without than to reveal the extent of their, um, problems. second thing is to look at yourself and your behavior. What happens before the once of month you do get it. can you examine and duplicate what happens? have you tried renting a sexy movie for you two to watch? have you told him you had a dream that you and he did whatever and see what his reaction is? I suppose the last thing you can do is work on yourself. lose ten pounds, go to the gym, get your hair done and get a makeover, don't walk around in sweatpants, etc. That will make you feel better to yourself, and perhaps that lump you married will take some interest if he sees other men being attracted to you. Good luck. It still may not work, in which case I'll see you in the divorce forum or the "Other Woman" forum. My Sicilian ancestors had a saying, "When a wife strays, the husband is not altogether innocent." v
fairy_dust Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Going on 4 years of marriage and life has been wonderful, although our sex life has it's ups and downs of when 'he wants too'. My sex drive is extremely high and I enjoying having it often, even if I'm tired I force myself to give it up or get it. Anyway with hubby it's been the past 2 years that he rations himself to giving me sex when I want it. It's like we do it 4 times in one week and for the rest of the month nada (none). Especially when I ask him for it after it's been a week he tells me "to hold off and let the desire build" (for him at the least). He downloads and watches porn often and so I figure he enjoys having his 'alone' time with himself. Which makes me feel inadequate at times as he looks at other women whether they are porn pros or amatures. It makes me feel that he is being attracted to what they do in which I don't do with him. Although I must agree with the previous post about what can dampened a man's sex drive from his wife's actions. Which is the kids, wearing odd clothing in the house or just gaining weight etc. I have to admit that for the past year and a half I have been a couch potato and not as active as I should be, my hubby wants me to loose weight and be in shape and he keeps telling me too. So I figured it has to start from me first, and if it's not me then I know it something to do with him..... My advice to you, work on yourself as in get in shape get your body to be more sexually appealing and do the best you can. Get into another hobby that is physically demanding so you can get away from the house and make new friends. Start with you and see if its just physical appearance or self growth that may spark him up. If not then he has to seek medical help or advice, hope this helps good luck:-)
Mrs.C. Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I have lost/gained/lost/gained - I swear there is no difference. We have been married so long. I know men see "no" as a challenge. As a woman, it is nothing but rejections. He is so good in so many ways. But yeah, he doesn't desire me very often and it hurts my heart. I don't have any advice. Guess I need some.
jmargel Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Men don't see 'no' as a challenge. We see it as a major rejection. The last thing we want is to feel disappointment or not good enough from the one that is suppose to love us. There could be countless reasons why men don't want sex, the only way to figure it out is through a counselor. It'll be three years in my marriage and I have stopped asking for it. Even when she desires it, it still feels kinda empty. Only because I was turned down so many times. It's not worth asking anymore. Men get tired of women thinking it's a chore for them so they just lose interest. At least that's my own personal experience, like I said every situation is different.
Author wantingmore Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 Thanks for the comments all, but honestly there wasn't one that hasn't been tried or thought of. I am fit, attractive, own my own business so I'm extremely busy, my kids are older and I'm always wanting to do something together - and he knows it. I have literally threatened to leave, we've done counseling, but he always blames it on me... which is convenient. But he forgets that he told me "he's always been this way - low sex drive in his previous marriage too." I don't buy it at all. He was very exciting when we were dating. I wear makeup, dress appropriately, am not lazy, none of the above... I just can't understand why a man doesn't want sex - I finally gave in to Cialis... I don't want to have to put a pill in my man's mouth for him to want me. I don't want to have to put in a porn video and be the "outlet" for him... I WANT HIM TO WANT ME.... I have no desire to go outside the marriage - it's useless. I need emotional/physical with my husband. I can't prove he's gay, he's having an affair, etc. I have no basis for any of my thinking just resentment, anger, and hurt. Again, thanks for your comments. AT least I know I'm not crazy or 'UNIQUE' for feeling this way. I can't believe we've made it to twelve years, but day in and day out it just happens... I've stayed for the kids who needed a father desperately since I was a single mom when I met him. He's a great guy.... but "lump" is the right word. He works outside like a fool when it's nice outside. But as for his personal time with the kids and me... forget it. He'd rather pull out his wallet or credit card than plan time with us... I know he loves us but he just can't seem to give his heart (or penis) .... at least to me???? Any more guys out there that don't want sex?
tommyr Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I wear makeup, dress appropriately, am not lazy, none of the above... I just can't understand why a man doesn't want sex - I finally gave in to Cialis... I don't want to have to put a pill in my man's mouth for him to want me. Cialis is NOT a phsychological drug: it does NOT make a person want sex. Cialis only helps with ED - a physical problem. I am fit, attractive, own my own business so I'm extremely busy, my kids are older and I'm always wanting to do something together - and he knows it I for one am baffled by your situation. You sound like a sexually desirable woman who puts great effort into your marriage and physical relationship. Sorry but I have nothing more to offer!
Curmudgeon Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 My first question would be, "What other dynamnics are at play in your relationship?" Unless there's a verifiable medical reason for the slump, I would guess that there are other problems in the marriage/relationship that are standing in the way of desire. If that's the case, it could begin wwith a serious communication problem. Do you have conversations or confrontations?
Reckless Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 Any more guys out there that don't want sex? Problem is people that come to these kind of boards, come because they are being denied sex and seeking advise... it's the 'denyee' rarely the 'denyer ' that usually seeks advise. A couple of things you said... you mentioned that in his previous relationships there was the same problem. Obviously the problem isn't you but him. He clearly has a low libido and since you say he remains emotionally detatched from his family I suspect this may be as a result of some kind of trauma in his past. You said that when you tried councelling he "blamed you", what exactly did he say you were doing 'wrong'? This might have a clue to how his mind is working. Bottom line is you have decide whether you can live with this (as you grow older its probably going to get worse not better and your once a month average is bound to dwindle). If you know you cannot live with a sexless marriage you have to force his hand - if he's not prepared to loose you he will have to make an effort to really tackle the problem and meet you half way. But this is only if you deem it worth "going to the matress" over (no pun intended), fighting and possibly ending your marriage over. I'm curious as to your husband's reaction to your hurt and frustration. Is he aware of how much you are suffering? Is he indifferent? Does he indeed see there is a problem?
Bratatat Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 I have the same issue. Turns out my "darling" husband is addicted to Internet porn. Lucky me.
Hyperpen12000 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Men don't see 'no' as a challenge. We see it as a major rejection. The last thing we want is to feel disappointment or not good enough from the one that is suppose to love us. There could be countless reasons why men don't want sex, the only way to figure it out is through a counselor. It'll be three years in my marriage and I have stopped asking for it. Even when she desires it, it still feels kinda empty. Only because I was turned down so many times. It's not worth asking anymore. Men get tired of women thinking it's a chore for them so they just lose interest. At least that's my own personal experience, like I said every situation is different. Same here! I went through the exact same thing! I lost complete interest being rejected so many times a one point. Sometimes guys want to be romance too. That doesn't necessarily consist of flowers and candlelight dinners. Romance for a guy is different. Dressing in erotic attire. waiting butt-naked when he comes in the door, talking dirty, etc,. It's sad how societies made romance a "one-way street". It's conditioned a lot of womens' minds that sex is only rewards when romanced. Men want to be just wanted too. Anyway, like I was saying, being rejected constantly just destroys the intimacy you want to have with your mate and sexual fantasies you use to have.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 24, 2007 Posted July 24, 2007 Guys need to initiate. If your initiating and demanding you begin to put him into performance anxiety mode. Have you ever rejected his advances? This always causes a lack of interest.
BLUE EYES 46 Posted July 29, 2007 Posted July 29, 2007 I have the same problem only married 7 months (been together 5 years). Sex was better before marriage. Now if i don't initiate I don't get it. Not used to this at all.. I had more sex when I was single. love him but lonley. HELP
Bratatat Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 My hubby lost interest in me after 3 months of marriage. Turned out he was addicted to Internet porn. It's an issue we are still struggling with, and we've now been married for six years. You might consider checking out the browser history on his computer. If he's not doing you, chances are he's doing himself. If that's the case, please get professional help ASAP. Best of luck to you.
luvstarved Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 I have been hashing this one out right here on loveshack ever since I whacked my H with an ultimatum last year. Been married 10 years and 7 sexless years. Our sex life is "back" after much ado, but still without the intimacy I want. I have not gotten it all figured out yet but am making progress. The reasons can be all over the map but here are some of my thoughts from my personal observations, reading and talking with others. These are just emotional based, of course physical problems should be ruled in or out. 1) sexual simplicity - it's not an adventure, it's just a job, a release, once the initial newness is gone...so why not just masturbate? It's easy and less trouble and deliciously selfish!! 2) performance anxiety - again related to boredom, harder for them to spontaneously spring into action, so a fear of not getting it or of losing it makes them not want to go there in the first place; includes general pride/sensitivity and not wanting to be "reviewed" in bed, even when they are "successful" 3) insufficient emotional support - not getting the emotional strokes to their ego - being criticized, not being flattered, etc, makes them feel less wanted and that reflects back - it is hard to want someone who does not seem to value and respect you 4) Yes - as shallow as it sounds, letting yourself go. I have heard many women complain about the shallow nature of hubbies who seem to lose interest once W's gain weight, stop making an effort to look good...but let's face it, we all have a range of what we find physically attractive and when you go outside of that range, it is hard to get enthusiastic. 5) Emotional neediness or lack-of-life. If W's life revolves around H and she does not seem to have interests, friends, etc outside of that, it can also add pressure and make the W seem less "interesting" in general. This includes jealousy, too. 6) Intimidation. This is a new pet theory of mine, but I am also wondering if strong women do not experience this problem frequently. A lot of LS posters with this problem actually seem to be pretty strong, dynamic women. My H says he loves the fact that I am such a strong person and if this is part of the equation it is subtle and unconscious, but...I'm still rolling the thought around in my head. 7) Repression - my H was all gung ho about sex as long as there was no effort to making it exciting. Now even though we are trying to up the intimacy in so many other ways, he is clearly very uncomfortable talking about sex or being open to variety. To some extent, it gets back to the "that's too much work" idea, but I think that some level of shame and repression can be in the mix, too. Upbringing, traumatic events, religion, can come from a whole bunch of places... 8) External forces - financial problems, family issues, work stress, no time alone together, etc can kill libido 9) Mommy/Madonna-whore - yeah a lot of guys do want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed and cannot see that as possible with the same person. I think this happens a lot once kids come into play - then she's Mommy...forever and only. 10) Number one reason in my mind is lack of intimacy in general. Disconnected by time and circumstances, or never really being deeply emotionally intimate in the first place. H and I are going with this theory and working on that part. He is still reticent on the sex but it's been a central issue and the naked light bulb has been dangling over his head for a while wrt to this subject so I'm trying to back off on that FOR NOW with the hope that all things will fall into place with the respect and intimacy focus. I'm not getting everything I want in bed, but I'm getting tons more than I was a year ago...progress, not perfection... 11) Porn addiction - I think that this is ultimately related to some of the other reasons...but it should be mentioned because, no matter where it came from, once it is in the picture, it is a huge obstacle all on its own and it is very hard for guys to really get into "normal" sex once they've fed so many hypersex images into their minds...and addiction is the right word, because from what I understand, it does escalate over time and takes more more more to satisfy...ugh! 12) Yeah, the gay thing. No getting around that one! I actually entertained this notion with my H but never observed him to ogle men or look at gay porn or talk overly much about gay friends or any other telling behaviors. I think he's probably had "thoughts of which he is ashamed" but...in that case it isn't the thoughts that are the problem but more the fact that they made him ashamed... Well hope something sounded familiar. I too would be very interested in hearing what specifically your H said to blame you. Mine did same thing and his was "lack of warmth" "not supportive enough". I am sure there is some truth in there (not a great deal though, honestly) but he is a blame deflector so not sure what to do with it except ... be warm and supportive!! Good luck...
lostboy60645 Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 It's amazing to me how many posts I seem to relate to with regard to my own marriage and experience. I'm sure that not every man who does not want sex is like me, but I'm almost certain there's more your situation than anyone can say with this limited information. As a recovering sex addict, I spent ten years lying to my wife. It started out as lies of ommision. I just didn't tell her that I'd been masturbating regularly since age 12 or so. Unfortunately, what I didn't want to believe was that this definitely affected my libido. Not only did I forego intiating sex with my very attractive, smart, and sexy wife, I would refuse when she initiated on many occasions. Now I feel shame about this, for many reasons that you can read about on my blog, listed below. But my point here is that I have had a problem being emotionally intimate with anyone, and in a marriage, this is a crack in the very foundation. It's nothing personal, actually. My wife was an innocent bystander. A beautiful woman that I was lusting after who I certainly saw as a valuable person whom I wanted to start a family with. But as our relationship grew older, my lust for the images in pornography drew my energy away from my marriage. Again, I'm way oversimplifying the my issues here i.e. my history of severe physical, sexual and emotional abuse that I suffered as a young child and pre-teen. Make no mistake, my brand of behavior is not easy to understand and certainly does not apply to all men or all sex addicts. But it applied to me and my libido for my wife progressively diminished. It got to the point where I'd actually lose my erection while I was with her. Eventually, I could only ejaculate by myself or with a prostitute. How f**ked up is that?! I know. My story may be irrelevant to your issue. It's a disaster and not what you want to hear. And I'm not saying that's what his issue is. Nevertheless, we humans are sexual beings, and unless he has a medical problem that's causing this, it's likely something that needs to be worked out in individual therapy for him and couple's therapy for the both of you. And if he's unwilling to address it...well, life's too short. You'll get tons of opinions around here. Take them with a grain of salt. Surprisingly, I'm actually happy for my wife, though sad for myself, regarding our impending divorce. She's excited about the possiblity of finding a better match with a guy who is committed to her, is safe, and knows how to connect on a sexually and emotionally intimate level. I maintain, it's hard to believe a guy is asexual without at least a medical issue or some emotional issues. Good luck lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
Sondance Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 wantingmore, Not sure I can offer you any advice on your situation, but I can share my perspective with you as a mid 40's single guy struggling with what I assume is a low libido, performance anxiety condition. I have been divorced now over 10 years, and during our 14 year marriage never lost interest in sex with my wife. We ran into a few snags along the way to be sure, but for the most part I believe we had a "normal" sex life... 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less... What's interesting and quite puzzling to me now, is I seem to be having all kinds of issues with libido and sex, and I really don't know why. It's become a bit of a nightmare as I feel like the mind's willing but the body just doesn't seem to follow, almost like there's some disconnect there. I'm not gay, I don't do drugs, I don't overdo on the booze, I'll look at porn every once in awhile (while single), but when dating someone, I avoid the hell out of it and choose to "store" it up, sort of speak. I've been to specialists, bloods good, testosterone is good, everything is where it should be, am in good health, keep in shape, etc, etc... and I really like women! I'm a one woman kind of guy and don't have a bunch of women all around town. I'm very much into having a relationship with just one person at one time and I love affection, passion, and all the little things that makes having a special someone, well, special. Since my divorce, most of my relationships have lasted 2-3 years and well, I guess I'm just not real ready to get married again, not yet anyway. To the point, I've noticed that while in a relationship I am not always 100%. By that I mean I'll have several "failure to launch" episodes and some "unable to finish" episodes, but for the most part, I'm a pretty solid 2-3 times a week average kinda guy. Now, depending upon how the woman responds to those episodes is usually what determines whether I go into a slump or not... admittedly as someone else has said here, I sometimes find myself avoiding sex so I don't have to deal with the potential disappointment of a non performing member... My latest gal, was my high school sweetheart. Man, I was just soooo into her, and for no real reason at all (that I can figure) I hit "a snag"... well, she reacted very badly which caused me to be highly embarrassed and almost ashamed... which of course created a lot of pressure and tenseness as the relationship progressed. With the assistance of some "magic pills" I was still able to perform (and we both really, really enjoyed) sex maybe 2-3 times a week, but her drive was quite a bit more than that, I couldn't keep up and the more I failed the worse it got... get the pic? About the only thing I can figure is I have some sort of mental problem and it's frustrating as hell, and I certainly don't blame the gals (or her). Sure, some patience and some understanding would be nice... but, I guess I can understand how a woman would start feeling self conscious or it would affect her self esteem... but by the same token, it affects mine as well. I've been seeing a shrink here lately to discuss and have actually started hypnosis for chrissakes as I can't seem to find the answer. So, anyway, that's my perspective. I don't know if some patience and understanding is prudent in your situation or not, but it would have been in mine. Not sure I can go 5-6 times in a week consistently, but I would have liked to try... Good luck and all the best,
bee-locks Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 [COLOR=black][FONT=Arial]At some point he wanted something from you in bed and was too embarrassed to ask, or you turned him down. Now he thinks that ship has sailed and unfortunately not only can he not get off without it, but neither can you. Let me ask you this, is he still masturbating? If he is, to what? You need to become the what. I always had a thing, and my wife finally indulged me after finding it out from my internet search history I failed to delete! Now I get off plenty with her, and I am not burdened with that secret. Find out his secret lust. [/FONT][/COLOR]
marriedwithtwo Posted August 6, 2007 Posted August 6, 2007 Un-friggin believable. Tons of women out there with husbands not wanting to do it.... Then people like me who want nothing more than their wife to be sexual and interested. Life's a bitch, isn't it. At this point in my life, if I were to have full access to a sex starved wife, my thing would fall off from overuse in the first 48 hours.
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