sinkerswim Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 My story is nothing new here. I have been in an LDR for 2 years now. I am very happy and looking forward to marrying this man. He is crazy about me..but yet still keeps in touch with the ex. He has told me time and again that they are just friends..they were off and on for 2 years before me. He has said that they never made it as a couple, never told each other that they loved one another and that they should have just been friends from the beginning. Whenever I am out here visiting him, I look for clues to see if she has called him. Last November I was here when she called. He saw how horribly upset I got. I cried and I could hardly talk to him. He told me that my happiness is far more important than she. See, I have been severely hurt in the past from my ex fiance of 9 years. He knows this. He tells me that why would he even bother to be with me, if he can have her. He said he would never hurt me. They hardly ever had sex, and they just werent compatable as mates. But yet..he still talks to her every few weeks just to catch up on how her family is...etc etc. What I think I am trying to say is... He told me in November that he would tell her that it wasnt wise for them to talk anymore, because it would upset me. I believed him. I believed him with all my heart and soul. He is someone I fell in love with because he is good to me. Well..l am at his house now and I found out she called a couple weeks back. (I checked caller ID) and I freaked...I almost fell to the floor. I was crying and horribly upset. I am moving my LIFE out here by HIS request and his pleading to be with me..but YET he still talks to her!!! HE LIED TO ME... he told me that he is sorry he hurt me so bad, and that he was afraid to tell me because I would get upset. Well, HELLO???? Of course I am. He wasnt honest. I am in love with this man. I told him last night that no matter what I say..he probably wouldnt stop talking to her anyway. Because they are friends. He wants to set her up with one of his friends. I said NO WAY. He reassures me that he wants me and only me. But why cant he just give up talking to her on phone? WHY? Also..I was thinking of calling her.. should I? I dont know.. I don't want to start something else. But I feel like I am being humiliated completely. He tries to assure me that is not so. He feels it is no big deal as they just chat about life..etc. He says he tells her about me and how he wants me to live here..bla bla bla. I have this heavy heart. I told him he better not mess with my head..as I have been seriouslsy devastated before. He gives me a big hug and kiss and says how sorry he is for not being honest that he still talks to her.
Baybee9404 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 If i was you yea i would call her, any friend of his is a friend of yours right because yous are together so i see nothing wrong with that or better yet the next time you go to see your bf set up a lunch or dinner get together with the ex and see how they act together and if he goes for it then nothing is going on if he dont then i would question it and then call her. Just act like an adult when you do dont say something is going on when you really dont know. if something is going on then you will see because they will both be uncomfortable with you there or she will tell you herself. If he lied once he will think he can get away with it again and again. there is a reason he wont stop talking to her even though he knows it upsets you.
Author sinkerswim Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Hi Baybee thanks for responding. maybe I SHOULD set up a meeting. So.. If he has nothing to hide.. why not??
squeak Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 You may meet her and see nothing is weird, it just feels normal, will you still be okay after that? You have been together a long time, so are you hoping once it is not LDR she will fade out? Or will you be okay with it once you move there if you meet her and nothing feels off? I think once in a blue moon contact is fine, but still barely tolerable. I think all women do want to be the favorite in their guy;s life, and that he should only have male friends. When you meet her, you may not find anything weird, but I think it is important to know--Do they talk frequently enough that they are both current in eachothers life? That may take that intimacy away from you and him. Anything that takes the intimacy you two should be sharing and ciphering it off to another is a problem. It has been a long term pattern, but if you meet her and decide it is not right for you---If he really wanted to, because it was still bothering you, he would tell her "I can't do this anymore because it bothers my GF". I suggest you meet her and figure out if it is just sporadic contact or more frequent. The main thing being is the contact between them taking away from things he should only be sharing with you? Is he telling her problems he should be telling male friends or you instead? I doubt you'll find attraction, but she could just be vampiring off your relationship. You don't have to be overy warm to her, if anything, make her feel a bit uncomfortable but do be observant of everything. Then take it from there.
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