BurriedAlive Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I have been in NC for more than 2 months now. I am doing much better as everyday day goes by, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. But what I still don't understand is how could xMM after having an intense sexual & emotional affair with me for a year just cut me out of his life completely like he did???? I know that after D day W probably put intense pressure on him to stop all contact with me if he wanted to save his marriage but I just don't understand how he could have had the heart to do what he did without even as much as an explanation or a simple goodbye? Any thoughts are appreciated!
Shades of Grey Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Hi BA, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through but glad that you are hanging in there, I know how hard it is! I'm afraid there is no answer to this question that you will want to hear. (I say want to hear because within a few hours i'm sure there will be plenty of responses saying because he never loved you, because he lied to you all along and really he still loved his wife and was using you whilst the opportunity was there, because he was a complete ars*hole, etc etc) It must seem incomprehendable and inexplicable to you. I know that it is the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I'm sure he found it incredibly difficult based on what you say about the intensity of your relationship but nevertheless he found that he could and he did. I'm not sure that we will ever understand it but we have no choice but to accept.
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Give it a few months, he'll come sniffing around again they ALWAYS do. Thing is it is not any easier for him but his main focus now is winning his W's trust back so that she won't kick him out when he is sure he has her trust back then that's when the guilt of dropping you like a hot potato and the reminiscing comes back and hits him like a ton of bricks. I am not trying to inspire "hope" in you there is nothing hopeful about having the creep come back into your life, you will see it in time that you are waaaaaay better off without him. BUT when he does come sniffing around you will know that he was just doing what he had to do. Not because you meant nothing to him but because he was a selfish jerk who only wanted to take care of his needs, basically what they did all along. In time his needs will change again and will want to know about you they always do. It will be at that point that he will allow himself to really think of you. Trust me he is more than likely struggling trying to suppress what he felt for you and does miss you you don't just turn off your heart and that's it men are humans too. Mine contacts me every so many months and his emails get more and more pathetic he is really suffering, he is in his own misery and he still lies to his W about working on things, meanwhile he sneaks the odd email to me to tell me just how much he misses me how the memories of us torment him daily, misses my smell my kisses my voice my touch and our friendship, long chats, my presence and how absolutely miserable he is having to pretend to be ok! Like that's supposed to inspire pity in me!!!!? pfft...of course I don't respond. That is enough for me to know that no matter how hard he tries to put on the happy face he is still miserable inside...meanwhile each day that passes for me I feel even better I am truly on my road to recovery but what can you do? if that's the journey he chose for himself all I can say is enjoy the ride!
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 but I just don't understand how he could have had the heart to do what he did without even as much as an explanation or a simple goodbye? The same way he lacked the heart when he temporarily bailed out on his wife without so much as an explanation or mustering the courage to actually say “goodbye.” See a pattern forming here? Any thoughts are appreciated! Hope you honestly meant that. Please, do yourself one better, and try to steer clear of assclowns like this in the future. You’ll accumulate fewer regrets and be a helluva lot happier.
Author BurriedAlive Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Give it a few months, he'll come sniffing around again they ALWAYS do. Thing is it is not any easier for him but his main focus now is winning his W's trust back so that she won't kick him out when he is sure he has her trust back then that's when the guilt of dropping you like a hot potato and the reminiscing comes back and hits him like a ton of bricks. I am not trying to inspire "hope" in you there is nothing hopeful about having the creep come back into your life, you will see it in time that you are waaaaaay better off without him. BUT when he does come sniffing around you will know that he was just doing what he had to do. Not because you meant nothing to him but because he was a selfish jerk who only wanted to take care of his needs, basically what they did all along. In time his needs will change again and will want to know about you they always do. It will be at that point that he will allow himself to really think of you. Trust me he is more than likely struggling trying to suppress what he felt for you and does miss you you don't just turn off your heart and that's it men are humans too. Mine contacts me every so many months and his emails get more and more pathetic he is really suffering, he is in his own misery and he still lies to his W about working on things, meanwhile he sneaks the odd email to me to tell me just how much he misses me how the memories of us torment him daily, misses my smell my kisses my voice my touch and our friendship, long chats, my presence and how absolutely miserable he is having to pretend to be ok! Like that's supposed to inspire pity in me!!!!? pfft...of course I don't respond. That is enough for me to know that no matter how hard he tries to put on the happy face he is still miserable inside...meanwhile each day that passes for me I feel even better I am truly on my road to recovery but what can you do? if that's the journey he chose for himself all I can say is enjoy the ride! Thanks TomCat. Deep down I think that I haven't heard the last of him either. I just had lunch with my xassistant from my & xMM's work. She just quit today because the place as become unbearable with me gone. This really makes me feel good. I know that I am better off. I ended up getting a better job and soon I will live in the city again and I won't be stuck with a 45 year old looser. Well, that's my head talking anyway.... My heart still misses him in spite of everything. And I do wish that he does try and contact me someday if only to let me know that I wasn't just a piece of trash that he threw out. I know he only did what he had to but you'd think he could have even taken the time to say goodbye and give me a 5 minute explanation. Nope, instead he just stopped talking to me. Thanks Shades of Grey. I know what you mean. The "he never loved me" posts have already started!!! This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am sure the only thing worst would be to have someone close to me die. I am getting better at convincing myself that the answers don't matter, the outcome will always be the same!!! Thanks for the positive support. No matter what, that makes me feel better!
ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 She's right, they always come back. It does get easier as time goes...and usually, when they do come back..YOUR feelings won't be as intense and you'll be able to shrug it off better. Him, on the other hand, will get sort of desperate to re-connect and re-gain what he had. Tomcat nailed it.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 how he could have had the heart to do what he did without even as much as an explanation or a simple goodbye?Any thoughts are appreciated! It's easier that way...
Author BurriedAlive Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 It's easier that way... Good point GEL. Yeah, and I guess we know that MM will always take the easy road!!!
norajane Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 And I do wish that he does try and contact me someday if only to let me know that I wasn't just a piece of trash that he threw out. I hope by then your heart will have caught up with your head and you won't care to even take his call. As Tomcat said: he was a selfish jerk who only wanted to take care of his needs, basically what they did all along. So now that's what he's doing - taking care of HIS need to save his marriage. And he'll expect you to understand and accept that he is only doing what he had to do when he stopped contacting you abruptly, just as he expected you to understand and accept that he was married and you had to carry on a secret affair instead of really being together.
skindeep Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Hi Buriedalive......I share your dilema and mirror your feelings. It is gutwrenching to say the least. I never imagined I would feel this much better even this soon-it's now been 4 months since d-day for me. I have learned so much about myself; regained my sense of self and feel hopeful that even if it will never be between the two of us, there is a future for me without him. Hang tough. KNOW that this, too, shall pass. He is very likely pulling back inside himself (how men cope) and trying to resolve things in his own mind as best he can. In these situations, the person who has hurt you cannot at the same time be the one to rescue you from your pain. Every man for himself, it appears. My thoughts are with you.
skindeep Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Everyone else here.....I feel your pain, and wish you well in your recovery from this hellish place. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt........
Meaplus3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I have been in NC for more than 2 months now. I am doing much better as everyday day goes by, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. But what I still don't understand is how could xMM after having an intense sexual & emotional affair with me for a year just cut me out of his life completely like he did???? I know that after D day W probably put intense pressure on him to stop all contact with me if he wanted to save his marriage but I just don't understand how he could have had the heart to do what he did without even as much as an explanation or a simple goodbye? Any thoughts are appreciated! Sorry you are going through this buried aliv I feel your pain. But what I still don't understand is how could xMM after having an intense sexual & emotional affair with me for a year just cut me out of his life completely like he did???? How can he just cut you off? Well I believe he took what he needed from you and that's that! These MM seem so selfish to me. They really have NO respect for the OW or W, IMOP. Hang in there I know it's tough. (((hugs))) AP:)
Babybird Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I bet this isn't easy for him either. The hardest part about things like this is that we only know one side of the story and that is relayed second hand...by him. No matter what he told you you still don't have a clue what was going on in his house or his marriage. He may or may not have been honest with his feelings about his wife. We don't know why he is working things out with her. Could be that he is a coward. Could be that he is being threatened. Not necessarily with physical violence but taking things away like his time with the children(if he has any. I can't remember right now), money, material things etc. Could be that he wanted to work things out. I'm a firm believer that if its meant to be...it will. This doesn't seem to be the case here and I know that has to hurt like hell. You are slowly putting your life back together and thats wonderful. I think the thing that you seem to need right now is closure. It might be cheesy but something that works for me is to write a letter. Tell him everything you've been thinking, spill your guts and your heart out onto this piece of paper. Read it again. Then burn it. This makes me feel better. Sometimes permanently sometimes for a couple of weeks. Hopefully with this closure within yourself you can stop dwelling on the why, the how, and the what ifs.
Meaplus3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I bet this isn't easy for him either. The hardest part about things like this is that we only know one side of the story and that is relayed second hand...by him. No matter what he told you you still don't have a clue what was going on in his house or his marriage. He may or may not have been honest with his feelings about his wife. We don't know why he is working things out with her. Could be that he is a coward. Could be that he is being threatened. Not necessarily with physical violence but taking things away like his time with the children(if he has any. I can't remember right now), money, material things etc. Could be that he wanted to work things out. I'm a firm believer that if its meant to be...it will. This doesn't seem to be the case here and I know that has to hurt like hell. You are slowly putting your life back together and thats wonderful. I think the thing that you seem to need right now is closure. It might be cheesy but something that works for me is to write a letter. Tell him everything you've been thinking, spill your guts and your heart out onto this piece of paper. Read it again. Then burn it. This makes me feel better. Sometimes permanently sometimes for a couple of weeks. Hopefully with this closure within yourself you can stop dwelling on the why, the how, and the what ifs. Tell him everything you've been thinking, spill your guts and your heart out onto this piece of paper. Read it again. Then burn it. This makes me feel better. Hey that's a good idea Baybird! I plan to try this for my situation but apply it toward the W. Perhap's that will stop these tempting feeling's of telling on MM. AP:)
woe_is_me Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I have been in NC for more than 2 months now. I am doing much better as everyday day goes by, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. But what I still don't understand is how could xMM after having an intense sexual & emotional affair with me for a year just cut me out of his life completely like he did???? I know that after D day W probably put intense pressure on him to stop all contact with me if he wanted to save his marriage but I just don't understand how he could have had the heart to do what he did without even as much as an explanation or a simple goodbye? Any thoughts are appreciated! only 2 months eh? It was 5 months for me on the 7th July ..make that the 12th July if you count the day I called HIM back and accidentally got him caught. Mine had the gall to call after just over 4 years of no contact... i went through 18 months of hell during 03/04.. trying to get over/past him. This time though!? NO WAY!.. not even six months later i'm probably better than i was BEFORE he called .. you know why? Well for starters... I win..because HAHA its HE who can't and couldn't forget ME.. (i was doing fine) and to just completely turn off/shut off like i don't exist..not even a phone call to tell me off for getting him busted..! Nothing! They do have hearts, otherwise they wouldn't be gracing the earth with their holier than thou presence, it's just that money and children come before you and stability.. and more often than not stability includes his W and what they decide to do in their marriage is their business only. Forget him, leave him in his misery and realise that the only part of him that wants you is really below the belt.. sad but true. My ex MM has shown me what a coward he really is...and here was i before February not knowing whether he was alive or dead.. well hmm i know one thing the cheating lying scoundrel is well and truly alive..and i'm pretty sure, like i learned from reading here.. they really do start to believe their own lies. Just be thankful that D day kept you from being used and kept as some dirty little secret..for any longer ..it could drag on for years...IMO d day is divine intervention.
woe_is_me Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 And he'll expect you to understand and accept that he is only doing what he had to do when he stopped contacting you abruptly, just as he expected you to understand and accept that he was married and you had to carry on a secret affair instead of really being together. That's so true norajane its almost sickening. I had a christmas card from him on which he wrote.. "thank you for 'understanding'" - I wanted to say "But i don't"
Author BurriedAlive Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Everyone else here.....I feel your pain, and wish you well in your recovery from this hellish place. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt........ This is one T-Shirt I wish I could return!!!
Author BurriedAlive Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 That's so true norajane its almost sickening. I had a christmas card from him on which he wrote.. "thank you for 'understanding'" - I wanted to say "But i don't" I know what you mean!!! They all probably think that we understand! Of I course I understand why someone would choose money over love....
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