emmaUK Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 please read this and tel me honestly if im petty. my mum and friends have told me they would be angry but dont know if they would feel that way becuase they are close to me. i live alone and my BF being a lil younger still lives with his mum and sisters. as i have a daughter from previous relationship it has always been easier for him to come over to my place which he does every saturday and stays till sunday his family have gone on holiday and his mum said she didnt mind if i went and stayed round his place while she was away. my daugther goes to pre-skool 3 times a week so i couldnt exactly stay round there the whole time. last weekend he invited me to come up and stay for the weekend this friday coming after daughter finished skool and stay till sunday. we said that i would get the train into central london and meet him after work and all go to his place together. we never arranged times etc but it was a deffinite invite he made for me to go up friday and i was looking forward to it. he remembered tht he had to do somethign with his uncle for an hour on friday night but i said i didnt mind and i would wait at his place n keep the bed warm till he got back yesterday i text him to ask him if he would be able to help me out with half the train fare up to London as im a bit skint right now and he text back saying "i hope you dont mind but id like to have friends round on friday night, i will pick you up on saturday instead which will be less hassle for you anyway" i am angry coz he makes me an invite and i was really looking forward to meeting him after work nad he just goes and drops me to invite mates round to smoke and drink. i cant stand people who blow out or cancell ararngments and let me get my hopes up and then spring it upon me. he thinks im being pathetic to be bothered about it and we have argued for 2 days about it. he cant see why im angry and sais "it was never a deffinite arrangment anyway" i feel like he is just pretending he didnt know how deffinite it was so that he doesnt look so rude for inviting me over and then retracting the invite when something better comes up. i feel i dont wanna run up there on saturday to see him .. i feel like id be letting him think he can mess me around and then click his fingers when he decides he wants to see me and i will go rushing up to see him. yes i admit have gone on a bit and told him that i was really looking forward to it and i feel he has let me down and why bother to make me an invite if he is jsut gona take it away when something better comes up.... also i will put my hands up and admit that i told him that i think he has been a c**t for messing me around. maybe i went on a little to much coz he has jsut text me this.... """"ive had enough of you, you are one guilt tripping pr1ck. i'd like to spend the weekend alone"""". Am i jsut being a petty old witch or would yuo be angry if you were me?? and would you want to go running up there the next day when he decideds he wants to see you if he has decided to re-arrange his plans for friday night without you in it any more???
jcster Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I think you may have overreacted. I can see why you were disappointed and even a bit put out, but he didn't say he didn't want to see you, he just changed the days a little bit. I can understand that you want to be important in his life, but he's young and at that age, socializing with friends is very important.
Author emmaUK Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 reason im so pissed off is coz all his frinds live close by to him and he sees them mon-fri every week for drinks and smokes i live an hour and 15 mins drive away only see him sat and sunday and NEVER get to spend time with him at his place when his friends can go over any time they want to
Author emmaUK Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 oh i forgot 2 say. another reason why im annoyed is becuase its not the first time i feel he has planned somethign with me then gone and done it with mates instead. there has been a few occasions in the past where i have asked him if he's liek to do a certain thing with me and then he has jsut gone and done it with friends instead. there was even one time a few months back that he arranged to come and see me on a saturday and then didnt turn up at all and didnt even phone to say he wanst coming and his phone was turned off all day. i sat in waiting all day for him. he sais that he was messed up in the head aroudn this time and he knows how badly he treated me and he will always be there when he said he will from now on etc etc and never let me down again for anyone i guess i feel this is a little reminder of the past... being dropped when something more fun comes up
Turquoise Waters Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I wouldn't like that behavior either. You two seem to be at an impasse...he's not giving you what you need in a relationship. Time to let him go.
electric_sheep Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Make a trip across the pond and we can have revenge sex.
oppath Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I too think you may have overreact, though you have every right to feel as you do. I'd recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most, because your feelings are certainly valid. Something similar happened with my ex and I think it largely led to the breakup. I thought we had discussed that we'd hang out the day I got back from holiday, and we did, twice, and I sent an email about it too. Only, we never made definite plans, and she didn't get the email (or so she claimed). My expectation was we were going to hang out that night. She didn't know anything about it. When she was busy, going out to dinner with her Aunt and Uncle I figured, "that's valid, but it would be nice if she were to invite me too, since that would be a sign of moving the relationship forward. I hadn't seen her in 1.5 weeks." She had made plans to spend the next night with friends. Again, I didn't want her to cancel, but couldn't I come too? We did have plans for Sunday night, New Years, but I was leaving the next morning, so I was pretty pissed. I did calmly ask "when are we going to get to exchange christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday" and her response was "I don't know, New Years I guess. I've got too many things to do." I was pissed. I felt like she was placing these other people and activities above me, when I wanted to feel like I was at the same level. All I know is in the reverse situation, if she had been out of town, I would have invited her to the dinner, to hang with my friends, etc. And considering I had never met these friends, I felt really hurt. So what did I do? I called her an hour later to talk about it and try to make a compromise. While I called her before her normal bedtime, I guess I woke her up. I tried to be brief and calmly said "I know you are going to be busy, but can we make a compromise? Could you come over after dinner with your Aunt and Uncle and then maybe we could exchange gifts in the morning over brunch, or how about you come over Saturday afternoon before going to your friends, and I can go with you, because I'd really like to meet them." "I told you, I have things to do, I'll see you Sunday. I don't want to talk about this." Well, you can see where this is going, "this is important to me, I'd really like if you could talk about it now for 5 minutes." I approached things well initially, but it quickly escalated, and her perception was that I was almost yelling at her. Mine is she was very uncooperative, expected since I did wake her up, but it bothered me that she was uncooperative because that was one of the issues. How did I feel? I felt neglected because I hadn't seen her in a while and we had not gotten to spend much quality time together when we had that past month. I felt invisible because I had never gotten to meet these particular friends. I felt hurt because a few weeks before I planned a day for her birthday and let her know about it in advance, but when I asked about my birthday her response was "I don't know, I've got things to do." But did I express how I felt when the fight escalated? No. I was pretty much saying "I don't feel like you are making me a priority" which is true, that was how I felt, but that wasn't what I was feeling, I was feeling neglected and invisible and hurt. Now, she was not giving me what I needed, and what I wanted was not unreasonable. If I am in a relationship, and my gf has been out of town visiting family, I'm going to know exactly when she gets home. I'd be the one offering to pick her up. I'd be saying "want to go out that night, I miss you." I wanted the same in return. BUT I REACTED, moreso than I responded, when we had our fight, because she was uncooperative and I didn't know how to discuss things calmly given her lack of cooperation. Did my approach lead to the breakup? No. She has equal blame, but it is possible it pushed her over the edge. I wouldn't want a gf calling me after i went to sleep to argue. I tell this story because I felt RESENTMENT, and that is the first step towards a relationship ending. It sounds like you feel resentment towards your boyfriend and he feels some towards you for the way you approached this. You have a right to feel neglected. If he is trying to compromise by having his friends over Friday, and seeing you the next day, he is not unreasonable, but you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask "I'd still like to come on Friday but you can still have your friends over. I'd like to get to know them better but I'll let you have guy time too." He has the right to say know to that. Basically, your feelings are not wrong, but you handled it poorly. He also has blame as he wasn't too cooperative. If you want things to work, you need to be able to handle these difficult conversations better.
jcster Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 It sounds like you feel resentment towards your boyfriend and he feels some towards you for the way you approached this. I think this is correct - and I think that a lot of it stems from the fact that you two are in different stages of your lives. You are a mother, you live on your own, you have responsibilities and limited time to spend doing the things you want to do. He's younger, living at home with his folks, he doesn't understand your time constraints and how much you look forward to spending time with him. His immaturity coupled with your responsibilities make it difficult for you both to understand where the other is coming from. This will likely change with time, but how long are you willing to wait? Wouldn't you rather date someone who has more time for you, lives closer and is dealing with similar issues in his life...in other words, an equal? This young fellow is not going to understand where you are coming from, and he's going to resent the fact that you expect more from him.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I too think you may have overreact, though you have every right to feel as you do. I'd recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most, because your feelings are certainly valid. Something similar happened with my ex and I think it largely led to the breakup. I thought we had discussed that we'd hang out the day I got back from holiday, and we did, twice, and I sent an email about it too. Only, we never made definite plans, and she didn't get the email (or so she claimed). My expectation was we were going to hang out that night. She didn't know anything about it. When she was busy, going out to dinner with her Aunt and Uncle I figured, "that's valid, but it would be nice if she were to invite me too, since that would be a sign of moving the relationship forward. I hadn't seen her in 1.5 weeks." She had made plans to spend the next night with friends. Again, I didn't want her to cancel, but couldn't I come too? We did have plans for Sunday night, New Years, but I was leaving the next morning, so I was pretty pissed. I did calmly ask "when are we going to get to exchange christmas gifts and celebrate my birthday" and her response was "I don't know, New Years I guess. I've got too many things to do." I was pissed. I felt like she was placing these other people and activities above me, when I wanted to feel like I was at the same level. All I know is in the reverse situation, if she had been out of town, I would have invited her to the dinner, to hang with my friends, etc. And considering I had never met these friends, I felt really hurt. So what did I do? I called her an hour later to talk about it and try to make a compromise. While I called her before her normal bedtime, I guess I woke her up. I tried to be brief and calmly said "I know you are going to be busy, but can we make a compromise? Could you come over after dinner with your Aunt and Uncle and then maybe we could exchange gifts in the morning over brunch, or how about you come over Saturday afternoon before going to your friends, and I can go with you, because I'd really like to meet them." "I told you, I have things to do, I'll see you Sunday. I don't want to talk about this." Well, you can see where this is going, "this is important to me, I'd really like if you could talk about it now for 5 minutes." I approached things well initially, but it quickly escalated, and her perception was that I was almost yelling at her. Mine is she was very uncooperative, expected since I did wake her up, but it bothered me that she was uncooperative because that was one of the issues. How did I feel? I felt neglected because I hadn't seen her in a while and we had not gotten to spend much quality time together when we had that past month. I felt invisible because I had never gotten to meet these particular friends. I felt hurt because a few weeks before I planned a day for her birthday and let her know about it in advance, but when I asked about my birthday her response was "I don't know, I've got things to do." But did I express how I felt when the fight escalated? No. I was pretty much saying "I don't feel like you are making me a priority" which is true, that was how I felt, but that wasn't what I was feeling, I was feeling neglected and invisible and hurt. Now, she was not giving me what I needed, and what I wanted was not unreasonable. If I am in a relationship, and my gf has been out of town visiting family, I'm going to know exactly when she gets home. I'd be the one offering to pick her up. I'd be saying "want to go out that night, I miss you." I wanted the same in return. BUT I REACTED, moreso than I responded, when we had our fight, because she was uncooperative and I didn't know how to discuss things calmly given her lack of cooperation. Did my approach lead to the breakup? No. She has equal blame, but it is possible it pushed her over the edge. I wouldn't want a gf calling me after i went to sleep to argue. I tell this story because I felt RESENTMENT, and that is the first step towards a relationship ending. It sounds like you feel resentment towards your boyfriend and he feels some towards you for the way you approached this. You have a right to feel neglected. If he is trying to compromise by having his friends over Friday, and seeing you the next day, he is not unreasonable, but you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask "I'd still like to come on Friday but you can still have your friends over. I'd like to get to know them better but I'll let you have guy time too." He has the right to say know to that. Basically, your feelings are not wrong, but you handled it poorly. He also has blame as he wasn't too cooperative. If you want things to work, you need to be able to handle these difficult conversations better. This whole story could be summed up easier with "She just was not that into me."
daphne Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Oppath, I agree with Turquoise. Unfortunately, this sounds familiar. I had an ex that told me he felt like he wasn't a priority and one day he blew up. I already knew that it wasn't going to work out long term. The blow up I used as an excuse. Very different from the OP, who I believe was overreacting. You had a lot more reason to be upset because she was letting you know over and over she's not crazy about you.
Tyra Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Leave his sorry ass alone. If smoking and drinking is more important than you, then you don't need him. You know what I mean.
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