IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 You idiot. Because I am sure that she isn't actually aware of how much she weighs. She couldn't possibly know that she could be a bit thinner, a little bit more toned, all because she is confident Every woman is aware of every single flaw in her body, it is not your job to tell her what they are. It's your job to make her feel like you love her anyway. She doesn't need her boyfriend to re-enforce in her mind that what she already knows. Unless you want a kick in the nuts, shut your mouth. LOL, from the mouths of babes! I love this kid! My answer was going to be "very carefully"!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Dont tell her she is fat...say something like 'hey i noticed this gym down the road has a special what do you think about US joining?' And then both of you guys go. And then when you guys go out to eat stop taking her to fast food places, take her to subway or something...cook for both of you guys and cook something healthy. There are things you can do without hurting her feelings. This is actually the best advice you've been given. Start to choose long walks instead of watching the tube. Start a "diet" yourself and ask her to be your accountability parther, and get EXCITED about it. If you want to modify this without telling her indirectly that "you might be able to love her if she were more physically appealing", then ask her to join you on a quest to live a more 'healthy lifestyle". Either that or offer to pay for tons of lipo and stomach stapling... then RUN, fast!
Nemo Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 THANK YOU You are more than welcome. I know what you mean - I crack myself up all the time. LOL, from the mouths of babes! I love this kid! Agreed - a brilliant post from the kid. I think someone else probably wrote it for her, because it is just too good.
jcster Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 My ex-husband and I had a running joke (we were married 10 years). After years of marriage, believe me, you can get pretty darn sick of that other person in your house. We'd get cranky, and then one of us would look over at the other and say in our most disdainful voice: "Must you BREATHE??" That pretty much sums it up. After a while, when the honeymoon period wears off, and the hormones start leaking away - there comes the hangover. That's when you realize that your S.O walks like a duck, or whistles through their nose, or chews noisily. If there's real love there, you will get over it - if not, then one day you'll just break and realize - this person drives me nuts! I'm out of here.
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 My ex-husband and I had a running joke (we were married 10 years). After years of marriage, believe me, you can get pretty darn sick of that other person in your house. We'd get cranky, and then one of us would look over at the other and say in our most disdainful voice: "Must you BREATHE??" That pretty much sums it up. After a while, when the honeymoon period wears off, and the hormones start leaking away - there comes the hangover. That's when you realize that your S.O walks like a duck, or whistles through their nose, or chews noisily. If there's real love there, you will get over it - if not, then one day you'll just break and realize - this person drives me nuts! I'm out of here. Well said.. LOL soooo true.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Maybe she's not really overweight. Overweight and "fat" are very subjective. She still might be within a healthy weight. She might be 5 foot 9 and weight 150 pounds, and he thinks she is "fat" but many would say she is not, because she is only 5 lbs. over ideal weight. So...I'd have to have more info here.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 me and my gf r going pretty well atm... but the problem is... shes as big as me, and shes extremely confident about herself. i like her for that but deeply id still wish her to be a little more fit....i tried to talk about this for some times but ended up pretty uselessly. i didnt directly tell her that (of course) but she's smart and stubborn. anyway is there a way to make her realize that i want her to be a little bit more slim... without upsetting her i'd say. oh and btw she's 19 and im 25 and her first bf.. donno if that'll help. thank you Go out on walks together, do sports that you both enjoy. The other thing is, you may have to accept her body as it is...She shouldn't have to 'change' her size just to please you. IF she is completely happy with herself, that is what counts. Just keep that in mind. Focus on WHO she is, rather than what she 'looks' like.
shadowplay Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I don't think you should be dating her. It's not fair to her. It sounds like she was this heavy when you first met her, so you shouldn't have gotten involved with her to begin with and led her on. The reality is she probably won't lose weight just at your behest. If you can't accept the way she is now (which it sounds like you can't), then break it off.
Nemo Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Focus on WHO she is, That's part of the trouble, I think. He has to be standing a fair way back to get her all in.
electric_sheep Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Maybe she's not really overweight. Overweight and "fat" are very subjective. She still might be within a healthy weight. She might be 5 foot 9 and weight 150 pounds, and he thinks she is "fat" but many would say she is not, because she is only 5 lbs. over ideal weight. So...I'd have to have more info here. I think you are getting rather technical here. The gist of what you are saying is you think the OP is perhaps being really picky. If so, then it's probably not the weight at all. Sometimes people get too wrapped up in the external. Sure, you need to be attracted to each other but is a trophy on your arm so necessary? Everything is a matter of degree. This applies some of the time, definitely. I guess it depends on who you are, too. George Clooney's ideas about what's attractive and not might be different from Homer Simpsons. This might have more to do with practicality than reality. Homer's just being real with himself. Physical attraction is powerful stuff, though. Being mad hot for a crazy delicious chick/guy, who you think you might actually have a chance of sleeping with, is enough to turn your insides to goo. We can be politically correct all day long, but biology and evolution trumps PCness in the long run. Could be the OP is just being straight up. Maybe she is significantly overweight, and though at first it didn't bother him so much, now he is beginning to notice it more. Basically he is saying... hey, I am attracted to you, but I could be even MORE attracted to you. Weight isn't an easy thing to get a grip on, but at least he isn't asking her to grow 3 inches! It is do-able. Of course, it's her decision ultimately, and even at that it might not be so easy. I'm sort of in a similiar situation. My girlfriend seems to be oblivious to what it means to be sexy. She doesn't shave her legs, doesn't wear makeup, never goes in the sun, and pretty much only wears jeans. She has also gained about 25 pds. All this, combined with the fact that we've been dating a couple of years now, has put the damper on my libido a bit. I mean, she does get me worked up now and then, but not like she used to. I hate to sound like a typical guy, but there is something sexy about a girl in a summer dress, skin lightly kissed by the sun, with smooth, smooth legs. Being that sexy is a lot of hard work! They deserve recognition for that. Of course, everything in balance. If that is all they are about, or if they spend way too much time trying to be sexy, then their values are out of wack with mine. I don't see anything wrong with putting a little effort into being sexy though. Of course, it's easier for some than for others. I mean, I guess I'm just trying to say that attraction takes some effort, like anything else. Even if it's just getting a different haircut, or some different clothes to wear. Even little things like this can be an aphrodisiac. Personally, I am very athletic and run and go to the gym religiously. Not to look sexy, but just because it's a part of who I am. It does have the nice benefit of keeping me in shape though.
electric_sheep Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Go out on walks together, do sports that you both enjoy. The other thing is, you may have to accept her body as it is...She shouldn't have to 'change' her size just to please you. IF she is completely happy with herself, that is what counts. Just keep that in mind. Focus on WHO she is, rather than what she 'looks' like. Sounds like the makings of a wonderful platonic relationship to me. Why is it nobody is allowed to have perfectly natural, biologically healthy, animalistic, lust like feelings anymore? We as a society have decided there is something wrong with this I guess, like it means they are of a lower moral calibre or something. I think we are in denial of simple biology. Have you ever tried to be attracted to someone you are not? As for sex, I can assure you, it is a lot easier for a woman to have sex with a man she isn't attracted to than vice versa. I agree that she shouldn't have to change. Likewise, he doesn't HAVE to be attracted to her either. Even if he was before, that doesn't mean he has to forever. Attraction is a complicated formula, and the formula can change throughout ones life. Probably only a very small part of attraction is sheer willpower. For the most part, you can't force it.
jcster Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I mean, I guess I'm just trying to say that attraction takes some effort, like anything else. Even if it's just getting a different haircut, or some different clothes to wear. Even little things like this can be an aphrodisiac. Sad to say, some folks just stop trying. I personally like to feel sexy. There are always those pesky "ravages of time" that no-one can escape. None of us will ever be a perfect "10" (if that even exists at all). But, personal best can go a long way! Knowing that you are looking the best you can look is a powerful feeling. It's important to be able to seperate that from whatever dream image one has - and realize that you are going to be you until you die. I'm never going to be 5' 10" 130lbs. I'm just not. That doesn't mean I won't shave my legs!
tommyr Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 The only time you can discuss a woman's weight with her is when she brings up the topic. In general, I agree with StayClose... except for.... She has also gained about 25 pds. Bingo! The weight gain occurred AFTER the relationship started. Key difference! Here is the problem - 25 lbs is a LOT of weight and this WILL affect one's appearance and (depending on the person) it MIGHT have a negative effect on the mate's attraction. When this happens (person gains alot of weight, causing their partner to lose attraction) I feel it is definitely the partner's responsibility to say something.
bish Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 me and my gf r going pretty well atm... but the problem is... shes as big as me, and shes extremely confident about herself. i like her for that but deeply id still wish her to be a little more fit....i tried to talk about this for some times but ended up pretty uselessly. i didnt directly tell her that (of course) but she's smart and stubborn. anyway is there a way to make her realize that i want her to be a little bit more slim... without upsetting her i'd say. oh and btw she's 19 and im 25 and her first bf.. donno if that'll help. thank you How do you tell her she's fat? You don't. If you're that superficial, then break up with her and go find yourself a barbie doll.
shadowplay Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 How do you tell her she's fat? You don't. If you're that superficial, then break up with her and go find yourself a barbie doll. I don't really agree. Physical attraction is a necessary component of a relationship. Many guys simply cannot be physically attracted to an overweight woman. So if the girl gains a huge amount of weight, I think it's acceptable for the guy to mention something. Then again, if the girl was that heavy to begin with, it's really not fair at all for the guy to bring it up. He shouldn'at have asked her out to begin with. Because he did, he has to pay the consequences.
IpAncA Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 anyway is there a way to make her realize that i want her to be a little bit more slim... without upsetting her i'd say. oh and btw she's 19 and im 25 and her first bf.. donno if that'll help. thank you If your not attracted to her then don't date her. It's simply that. Date people who you find attractive and not those who you find are sort of it and then try to change one or two things. I am interested to see the replies on this because when someone else posted about asking a guy to remove moles, it got flamed a lot. I wonder if this question will get flamed or if this is more socially acceptable. Anyone will get heat if they try to change their SO, H/W, etc... for their benefit. My point is why date a girl who is too fat for you and then suddenly decide it's your job to tell her she's too fat for you? Do you see the silliness of that? Because some like to alter their partners to better suit their needs. BTW OP, how big are we talking?
Author lainhateslie Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 You said you have a problem with it because she's as big as you--Are you a big guy or relatively skinny? Just to clarify that. And is she actually fat or just bigger than your comfortable with? I mean, is she really out of shape or is genetics? If it's genetics, then her confidence makes sense and it strikes me as really shallow that you hooked up with her and now have issues with her body type. If she is simply fat ... suggesting more activites that get you both out excercising might help. im about average 5'10 guy. we both do kickboxing at a local gym. the problem is that while she being aware of her weight issue she still goes to fast food store and eat a lot of unhealthy diets. i tried to tell her about this but i'm pretty sure ill just get a slap in the face. i tried to redirect our conversation to a direction of making her more healthy but it didn't end up very well either. despite the weight problem, she is a very very attractive lady. i understand that when i first started to date her, i liked her for everything... but still im a guy with stupid egos and wishes.. and i could easily tell how dramaticly more beautiful she'd look like if she had lost some weight.. i'd be completely lying if i told you that i didnt want that to happen...
mustard99 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 me and my gf r going pretty well atm... but the problem is... shes as big as me, How big are you?
Trialbyfire Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 im about average 5'10 guy. we both do kickboxing at a local gym. the problem is that while she being aware of her weight issue she still goes to fast food store and eat a lot of unhealthy diets. i tried to tell her about this but i'm pretty sure ill just get a slap in the face. i tried to redirect our conversation to a direction of making her more healthy but it didn't end up very well either. despite the weight problem, she is a very very attractive lady. i understand that when i first started to date her, i liked her for everything... but still im a guy with stupid egos and wishes.. and i could easily tell how dramaticly more beautiful she'd look like if she had lost some weight.. i'd be completely lying if i told you that i didnt want that to happen... Don't try to change her. If you do, you'll both regret it. Leave her to be her own confident self. If you start to bug her about her weight, weight that she had when you met her, you will erode on her self-esteem. DON'T GO THERE. Suppress your selfish needs for a trophy g/f.
Nemo Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Suppress your selfish needs for a trophy g/f. Maybe he doesn't want ginger, or sporty. He wants posh. No shame in that. It's not so scary, when you think about it, baby.
Trialbyfire Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Maybe he doesn't want ginger, or sporty. He wants posh. No shame in that. It's not so scary, when you think about it, baby. If he went into the relationship with ginger or sporty and now wants to change to posh, he's got issues.
Nemo Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 If he went into the relationship with ginger or sporty and now wants to change to posh, he's got issues. That's an excellent point. I guess my logic was a bit bendy, and I was off-target.
IpAncA Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Don't try to change her. If you do, you'll both regret it. Leave her to be her own confident self. If you start to bug her about her weight, weight that she had when you met her, you will erode on her self-esteem. DON'T GO THERE. Suppress your selfish needs for a trophy g/f. Here's a better idea. Don't go and date someone if your going to have problems with their weight. Find someone who fits the bill and not someone who doesn't but you hope someday she might.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I honestly don't believe she is really overweight. Otherwise she would not be that confident in herself. It is you who has the problem, OP.
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