Disappointed in men (again)

[jcster]

but have the impression that the majority (not all) have this emphasis on some kind of Christian ideal of true love forever.

 

A lot of people here are very, very young. They'll (sadly) get over it.

[frezzle]

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate these comments. (Especially Trimmer for taking the time to write that insightful and detailed post).

 

I'm embarrassed a little reading over this thread because things have changed so much. The truth is actually quite complex and I have gained, in many ways, exactly what I expected.

 

So, with hindsight, this is how it's gone: (this is ridiculously, uber-long so I actually don't expect anyone to read it but have found writing it somehow therapeutic!)

 

Met a sweet guy, who, although I could quickly see wasn't similar to me, in many ways and who told me he was leaving the country in a few months (although he made a point of saying he would probably be back in a couple of years and would be coming home to visit all the time..), and who I got on with. I have been out of relationships for years now and been dealing with stuff that I have now, mostly resolved and that I needed to do alone. I thought, what the heck, I'll try this out because (and this is the crux of the matter) it'll be a good opportunity for me to test how I feel now about relationships.

 

There were no rules established as such, so neither of us really knew if it was a fling/FWB situation, or what. We did briefly touch on the subject when he asked if it was a FB situation and I said I didn't like the term, as I didn't think we'd be 'buddies' normally and I told him I was glad that he was being charming and romantic about everything, as I couldn't do it without that. It was very romantic. And it was as though we were both, knowingly, playing this game. We both seemed to enjoy that part of it, almost as equally as the sex.

 

Things pootled along rather nicely. I felt charmed and it restored my confidence that there were men around who treated women sweetly and were happy to do it so, although, we didn't have much in common, it felt like there was some kind of emotional bond alongside the chemistry. (All very well and good.)

 

Then things quickly changed. First, we were in bed and he came out with this weird comment about (in the middle of a conversation) about saying stuff to people to only get what he wanted. This just seemed to come out and he quickly tried to cover it up (but naturally, trust issues sprang forth). Then my dog got sick (he was always very sweet with her) and I texted him, a little panicked. He replied, after a long delay, that his battery had run out on his fone but I really, strongly, felt that this had freaked him out, that it was too much. Shortly after that the silence came and I got annoyed, as I felt he was just freezing me out and was insulted he hadn't bothered to, at least, text a goodbye.

 

He then emailed, unexpectedly, saying he'd got his tickets, was freaked out as 'it was really happening' and he had loads of stuff he had to sort out. He said he felt guilty that he couldn't be as attentive to me as he should be. I replied, telling him not to worry, that he didn't need to allocate a certain amount of time to me, or anything and that I understood he needed to prioritise this stuff. He was really grateful for this.

 

So, since this time, he has virtually disappeared (this was two weeks ago). Which, if he had simply been busy, would have been fine but I'm aware that he's actually been doing allsorts! He's gone camping, been out with mates, etc and I, in honesty, have missed the communication and felt 'dropped', suddenly, from his attention. It's a shame because where I'm moving next week is actually where he still is (for another 6 weeks) and we could have conducted some ourselves, possibly, with some normality for that period of time.

 

I sent him a text on Sunday saying I needed more communication to be able to continue with things and he hasn't yet responded. It's possible he hasn't received it yet as he is camping and his phone might have run out of battery but I really don't think it's as simple as that and I feel, overall, a both a bit deflated and a bit stupid.

 

Now. There are so many things to be said about this that are glaringly obvious. We should have established rules early, it was silly of me to use such a weird set-up as an 'experiment' into how I am in relationships (as it bears little reality to normality), I've been thinking WAY too much about everything and not talking honestly with him about how I felt, been giving out mixed signals, he said that weird thing which sounded manipulative but also gave out loads of other vibes that he genuinely liked me etc. I can see how it's panned out and my part of the blame. I can also see how my feelings have yo-yoed and a lot of this is due to how I've been feeling about other stuff (I'm feeling much happier at the moment as I've been looking for work in this new location for months and only just been offered my dream job).

 

All in all, I'm ready for the barrage of criticism I expect to get (it's ok, I'm in a good place-I can take it!). I know the whole thing has become ridiculous and unnecessarily messy (and it's not like it was even a real relationship!) But I would still like to say I have found some of the reactions to my agreeing to have a casual relationship quite pious. On the other hand, I am very grateful to this forum for having the opportunity to communicate with other people on what I was trying to figure out what I'm doing here. I don't know if any of the details have provided you with a clearer picture but I have learnt how important it is for me a) to communicate with others and b) that I can't be afraid of stating my needs upfront in any relationship I undertake in the future (without coming on too heavy, of course).

 

So, cheers.

[frezzle]

P.S. What's an MM?

 

P.P.S Sorry, I didn't even proof-read that before sending it and it really needed it. Very slack of me..

[SierraMarie]

So, you turned the relationship into something it was not supposed to be. It just goes to show that women can't have sexual relationships without getting all attached.

 

It's true. So why does everone insist on doing it? That's usually the reason breakups are so painful. JMO.

 

But I'm glad you got this all sorted out.

[frezzle]

No, that's the thing. I don't think it's all my fault! I think I keep getting defensive because the blame seems to be placed firmly on my shoulders. I do accept I am to blame for a proportion of this but why does the guy get off scott-free? He is also to blame for not stating what he wanted, giving out mixed signals, blowing hot and cold and not communicating honestly.

 

I object to what you're saying, SierraMarie, (although I am grateful that you took the time to read that v long post!) because neither of us knew what this was supposed to be. And, if anything, he confused the score much more by saying things like 'I won't be gone for that long and will be visiting frequently'. I only judged it as a short-term thing.

 

I actually think that there is some truth in what Trimmer said, that he has had issues himself with his emotions. He has told me how much he likes me and really meant it (I'm sure!). I think we've both tried to keep this casual and both attempted something which has, simply, been to hard for us to maintain.

 

I think we both found ourselves enjoying the flirting, romance, talking and acting dirty and both found our hearts entering into the equation, at times, and, as a result, have both given out mixed signals and refrained from honest communication as we were trying to protect ourselves.

 

I don't know. If this looks glaringly misinterpreted to anyone else, let me know.

[SierraMarie]

I'm not saying that it's all your fault. I'm not saying that at all. I think it's just as much his fault as it is yours. What I was saying is that maybe in your mind you made it into something that it was not.

 

Perhaps you read too much into the things he said. He most likely was just making conversation/having fun and you took it for more than that.

Ex. He said he wouldn't be gone for long and would come back to visit and you took it as if it had something to do with your relationship when he was really just stating a fact(if this is wrong, I'm sorry)

 

I also think the reason he hasn't been contacting you as much lately is because he got what he wanted(sex) and so he really has no incentive. That's how guys are. Either that or bc you told him it was alright if he didn't. But the fact that he doesn't want to, means there's prolly nothing more to your relationship than just sex for him.

 

These are just my opinions.

 

I don't know, honestly this whole thing is confusing me a bit. Honestly, I just don't believe "flings" or whatever you want to call it, work out and I don't think relationships were meant to be that way.

[frezzle]

Thanks for your input, Sierra. You may well be right. It's difficult to explain why I thought there were some feelings there on his part but there were some moments.. I certainly accept I've made it very easy for him to think it's ok to put minimum effort in and drop in for sex when he feels like it. I may well get some further explanation from him when he's back from his holiday. Who knows?

 

I have learnt a lot about what I'm like and I think I've been needier for the communication because I've spent a lot of time alone recently and been going to countless interviews, selling myself and getting rejected! As of next week I'll be living in my dream town about to start my dream job, so I'm very excited about my future.

 

It's a bummer because I do feel like a 19 yr old lad when it comes to my sexuality (it's shocking, really!) and, in many ways, love my independence but do need some aspects of a relationship, too.

 

I think that you are right in that flings can never be straightforward. I think there will always be some powerplay and emotions involved.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[SierraMarie]

You're very welcome. Good luck!

[jcster]

I've found that some men are very good at "compartmentalizing" their lives and emotions. When he was with you and had nothing else really going on, he was able to be romantic and attentive. That was the "mode" he was in. But, since you both don't really have much in common other than enjoying each other's company, he shut down that part of his mind when other things came up. Now he is in "closing up shop" mode - getting ready for his big move - and the compartment that you were in has closed.

 

This isn't to say that you guys can't tie up the loose ends in your relationship before he goes, but it won't happen while he's attending to other matters. You haven't been seeing each other long enough to be relevant to him when he's not concentrating on you.

 

That's the difference between a serious, growing relationship, and a relationship of "convenience." You both like each other and enjoy each other's company - but it was never intended to be a "big" relationship and this is the result.

[frezzle]

Yeah, that makes sense jcster. Thanks for the insight.