frezzle Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Met a guy a month ago who is going away in October. We agreed to have some fun during this time and (although we didn't hop right in) he was good in bed, so that became part of the plan. He said it was bad timing for him, he had never just dated before and usually waded into a relationship early. He emailed and texted a lot, which I guessed was indicative of how he usually was in relationships. He told me he liked me a lot, he was romatic and seemed very caring. He said he was taking my lead on how to proceed with this relationship, I guess cos he felt there was some unfairness in the fact that he was going away (?) I, on the other hand, have been out of relationships for several years now, bar a few dates here and there. I'm also in a transitional phase of my life (moving) so thought, what the heck? I've nothing to lose. On Sunday, he failed to return a text and did the same to a casual 'how's things?' one I sent yesterday. I'm getting the silent treatment. Now, I've been here before and it's always annoying because it's plain cowardice and rudeness, in my opinion. I know we barely know each other but I am so angry that, even within an arrangement as simple as this one, I am not even being given the courtesy of a goodbye. I know the responses will be 'you've lost nothing', 'you can't expect anything', 'why do you even care?' etc, and I understand the logic but I think I am, not so personally hurt (I've done nothing wrong!) but feel so let down by the plain fact that people treat each other with so little respect. Being single is safe but I don't want to be single all the time. Seems like every time I dip my toe in the water, I find it's ice cold.
lonelybird Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 We agreed to have some fun during this time and (although we didn't hop right in) he was good in bed, so that became part of the plan. I know we barely know each other ..... If you have sex so earily on with a man, their disappearance is one of risks you have to take. It is plain and simple. Man easily disappear after sex if without emotional bond Women increase feeling after sex "Most people do" doesn't mean it will serve you good:o maybe you don't have to disappointed in man, just change your behaviours.
Author frezzle Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Thanks for replying, lonelybird but I sense a hint of judgement in your tone. My point is that, as two consenting adults, it should be possible to conduct a temporary fling in a grown-up manner. It's sad that this doesn't seem to be the case.
Road Rage Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Frezzle There is nothing grown-up about a temporary fling. It is the very essence of immaturity in relationships. It is like going to the bad side of town sporting a Rolex watch. No one is going to be surprised when it is taken from you.
Author frezzle Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 My gosh, really are some judgemental people here! I completely disagree with you. I think it's very mature to be able to agree on what you want and be realistic about your circumstances. Something that the majority of people seem unable to do, in my opinion. Everyone just keeps thinking things will last forever, they're with The One and the whole point of life is to make babies and play happy families when we all know it is VERY rarely that simple. Anyway, my rant out of the way, just thought I'd add that I was obviously just getting paranoid earlier today. He emailed and explained very sweetly that he hadn't know how to tell me but he had just bought his flight tickets and had a ton on his plate but was worried about how I was doing and really wasn't ignoring me. So! Stuff you's and you're smugness. I'll continue to chat to him about our 'relationship'. Based on a lot more than I gave it credit for, it seems. Ta-ra
Road Rage Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Frezzle I think I am opinionated but not judgemental. You seemed angry he wasn`t behaving the way you expected or would have appreciated, so I`m pointing out that with a casual acquaintance this should not be surprising. It takes a long time to know someone. Even people who have strong relationships, have been in a good mariage for years struggle with one another. It is my opinion it is unrealistic to have high expectations about someone who you have agreed to have a little fun with. You said you were angry, I`m saying, just as one with a Rolex watch getting taken on the wrong side of town should not be surprised. So should you not be surprised when a very casual relationship disappoints. I hope it does not disappoint you. I hope this time the water is not ice cold. But, you have my opinion.
electric_sheep Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I know the responses will be 'you've lost nothing', 'you can't expect anything', 'why do you even care?' etc, and I understand the logic but I think I am, not so personally hurt (I've done nothing wrong!) but feel so let down by the plain fact that people treat each other with so little respect. I think it's just some people have an aversion to any uncomfortable interaction. When you were a kid, did you ever have a "friend" you didn't really like very much, but they would constantly call up and want to play? If you were like a lot of kids, you felt really bad about the whole thing, and you probably got your mom to make up some BS about why you couldn't play. Well, all those kids that did that... they grew up to be classic "avoidance" personality types. It's immature, granted, but rarely is it meant to be taken personally. Besides, I'm not sure the silent treatment is any worse than being told, "ehh, i got better things to do than to play with you".
electric_sheep Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 My point is that, as two consenting adults, it should be possible to conduct a temporary fling in a grown-up manner. My girlfriend and I might be interested.
lonelybird Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Thanks for replying, lonelybird but I sense a hint of judgement in your tone. My point is that, as two consenting adults, it should be possible to conduct a temporary fling in a grown-up manner. It's sad that this doesn't seem to be the case. Hi, maybe I sound a little harsh. I will try to do better:p This society brainwashed us with many wrong concepts. such as grow-up manner, mature, happiness, temporary fling *TRUE Mature people: strong self-control, able to hold on the value strongly no matter what others might say, strive to be more spiritually mature. This lead to true genuine happiness *Crap from this world about mature people: able to sleep around and don't develop feeling-string:o; happiness about ALL ME; the more you expecience sexually, the more you are mature:o wrong, wrong, wrong, all wrong. All these crap will lead us to self-destruction and depression. The crap born from one wants to exploit another. Sister, if you want temporary fling, no love, no deep emotion involve, after sleep with him, you don't fuss, don't angry, don't expect his email, phone, nothing If you want a loving caring deep relationship with a wonderful man, then go slow, don't sleep earlier with him. develop feeling emotion and spiritual connection first. Man is born certain ways very different from us, you cannot ignore this. You cannot guess what they think and feel on your female way. SEX will not make a man to love you. Sex only can make him love the sex act and lust itsself. Of course this world would teach you temporary fling with no string:rolleyes: I was very confused myself long before, but thank God:love: Sister you choose:)
bish Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Yeah. Guys suck Gee, I've never had a truly faithful woman yet....so I can say women suck...right?
FaaipDiOaid Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I understand your problem, and even though should you know it wasn't a true relationship, you have the right to be a little upset at the way he's giving you the "silent treatment", if it is in fact that. First I'd consider the alternative and give him the benefit of the doubt. I lose my cell phone all the time, for a week at a time sometimes. Maybe he lost his. Anyway, saying things like "Disappointed in men" and "Guys suck" is ridiculous and a complete double standard. Women way to often look to problems in their relationships as guys "sucking" and being "disappointing" without ever considering the fact that they're stereotyping half of the world's population and not even considering that maybe they as individuals are responsible. You're not going to attract very many intelligent responses to a post when you entitle it with an ignorant and inappropriate concept.
SierraMarie Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Gee, I've never had a truly faithful woman yet....so I can say women suck...right? Relationships in general suck Well, my opinion on this is that you shouldn't be upset at all that he didn't text you immedietly back or in the time you thought that was appropriate. You said it was just a no-strings, fling right? Well, then why do you feel this way?
Hazy Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 I would be out the door when a man stated "I will take this at your cue." You shouldn't be settling for just a fling, and if you do, you really can't have any expectations of behavior because the kind of guy who is just using you for sex like he is is going to be the kind of guy who just disappears and treats you like crap because deep down he has no respect for you. Lose him like the plague and get a quality man.
Author frezzle Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 Ok. I'm back with my tail slightly between my legs. Think what I've done here is very much of my own making. This guy seemd genuinely sweet when I met him and was very attentive (you've heard this story before, right?) It developed into a sexual, casual thing because he was going away (so I decided that would be the best solution to not getting involved). As I'm in a period of stasis, too, thought it might just provide a fun distraction whilst re-establishing myself in a new part of the country, etc. The whole thing didn't have to be complicated but I clearly forgot that, if you give guys an inch, they tend to take a mile. (Why is that???) I've made it very easy for him to just show interest when he's feeling horny and, in-between, completely forget me. Now, I don't mind getting a little bit of t'other every now and again (I'm 35, after all and that stuff about women in the prime being like 19yr old boys, sexually, is absolutely true, IMO!) and it started well because we were being romantic about it. Anyway, he seems to think that a lady (cough!) doesn't need romancing to hop into the sack but this one does. I've texted him to say as much and he hasn't replied yet. Think he's just not as grown-up about all this stuff as I hoped. Never mind, I'll just look forward to when I've moved - I just been offered my dream job, so am very excited! - and can settle in and look for a real man. There's bound to be one that pops up at some point..!
Cobra_X30 Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 Well Ive met alot of girls that think putting out will make a guy fall in love with them. Typically its the younger girls, but anyway I hope your not under that impression. For the vast majority of the male population the old addage about buying the cow when milk is free applies directly to your situation. It may be he just was never that into you.
Author frezzle Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 Uugh! I'm sorry, I really resent the implication that I was expecting or even hoping this guy to 'fall in love with me'! This is absurd. I knew from the start he was going away and to be completely honest you, the 'relationship' only really developed because he was clearly talented in the bedroom department. We don't have that much in common, he's not drop-dead gorgeous, he doesn't make me laugh but, yet, we still had some chemistry going. I feel like a lot of people who have replied seem to not be reading what I've written here. Basically, I was quite up for a sex-based relationship but with a little romance thrown in. That does NOT mean I wanted LOVE! Romance is just making someone feel special. I was quite happy to 'play the game', as the dear Freddie Mercury put it but am not simply a shag-sack. I'm grateful to those people who have taken the time to reply to my situation here but have the impression that the majority (not all) have this emphasis on some kind of Christian ideal of true love forever. This is really not what this post was ever about and that doesn't mean I have a million and one issues to deasl with, either! Goodness!
JCD Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 My view is that in today's world, where FWB and all kinds of things are common thing to do, women are confused and think that they can have their cake and eat it too. The truth is that people that enter FWB are already broken and expecting Mr. Wonderful to arrive from that state is hopeless. You need look in and figure out your own morals and standards and then align yourself with a man of same standards and morals. Unfortunately in this case your standards were low and thus you found a man with low standards as well. Know yourself and don't settle because you'll resent it in the long run.
Author frezzle Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 Getting bored of repeating myself now but this last post also confirms what I said earlier.
daphne Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 frezzle, I actually understand your point, but I think you're not really looking at the reality of the way men and women work. I'm also in my 30's, so I get where you're coming from. I don't think it's an issue of Christian values, at least not from what I"ve read. It's about the fact that men romance women for love. They genuinely don't have any other need to, except the players who want to get in and out quickly. If you want a fling, it's better to do it as a hit and run. You won't have expectations of romance, which is coupled with love, and you don't get attached that much. A girlfriend of mine in her late 40's hooked up with a guy 20 years her junior. She wanted sex and companionship. No relationship. They saw each other almost every day and they acted like a couple. She awnted romance. His interest started to dwindle because, even though he cared for her, he knew there was no future and she kept reminding him. So he stopped doing all of the sweet considerate things for her. And she got really mad. But I pointed out to her that she was mad because she wanted more than just sex. She wanted all of the trappings that a real relationship gives you. It just doesn't work that way, or at least not for very long. If you're going to have a fling, make it a real fling. NO strings, NO expectations and you do a hit and run. You should expect respect from a guy in that situation, but I think you're kidding yourself if you expect romance. You can't expect a fling to treat you like a boyfriend would. That's unreasonable. That's precisely why I can't do it, even if the idea is appealing.
lino Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 My point is that, as two consenting adults, it should be possible to conduct a temporary fling in a grown-up manner. It's sad that this doesn't seem to be the case. Even though I greatly disagree with the thread title I think you're spot on here. I wish many other women thought this way
Yamaha Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 For a man to act the way you want him to act he has to be emotionally invested in you. He gave you the sex you wanted but you feel unappreciated. You want him to romance you like your his gf but you don't want the relationship aspect. You probably need to find a MM as they will probably fit your criteria for the non-relationship relationship that you seek.
Trimmer Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 If you're going to have a fling, make it a real fling. NO strings, NO expectations and you do a hit and run. You should expect respect from a guy in that situation, but I think you're kidding yourself if you expect romance. You can't expect a fling to treat you like a boyfriend would. That's unreasonable. That's precisely why I can't do it, even if the idea is appealing. I agree, and even at that, I'm still a little confused as to the nature of their relationship: The whole thing didn't have to be complicated but I clearly forgot that, if you give guys an inch, they tend to take a mile. (Why is that???) I've made it very easy for him to just show interest when he's feeling horny and, in-between, completely forget me..... Anyway, he seems to think that a lady (cough!) doesn't need romancing to hop into the sack but this one does. What was the agreement between you as to the nature of your relationship? Was it "show interest when you're horny and inbetween, you can completely forget me?" If so, then you gave way more than an inch - you gave him the mile that he gladly took... How did you go from "casual... fun distraction ... interest when horny, then completely forget..." to "this lady needs romancing to hop into the sack..." Was this something you discussed, or is it something you assumed he should just do? If you just assumed a "real man" should do this in a situation that was set up as a no-strings fling, then your real complaint boils down to the fact that he couldn't read your mind; it's a common refrain, and you'll find that not many of us do it very well. If he went back on some kind of agreement you two made, then fine, call him immature and rude. If he doesn't do simple social manners things like returning a phone call, then fine, call him immature and rude - indeed, on July 18, you were "so angry" that you thought you were getting the silent treatment, and hadn't been "given the courtesy of a goodbye." But that all got better just 5 hours later when he Emailed. But on the other hand, if you guys specifically set up this relationship as a fun distraction, a casual fling, and now he just isn't measuring up to some level of romance that you secretly hoped for, I think it's a little over the top to brand him (and men in general) a disappointment. Incidentally, did you consider that he may be more "into you" than you might have thought, and the fact that he occasionally steps back away from you could be related to the fact that as he prepares to leave, and as things remind him that the inevitable deadline is getting closer (like when he bought his tickets), he is having a hard time dealing with his attraction to you, and the opposing need to keep it in check? If you think he is "cold" and uncaring, the truth may be that it's exactly the opposite. Bottom line: you, yourself started out with the condition that it was casual and low-key, and it sounds like now you are complaining that it isn't deeper and more complex than that... If you want romance, get a real bf, not a fling.
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