Lookingforward Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Been lurking and reading for a while and see the mindset so often expressed by the BS (usually female) that when the straying spouse returns home she will 'give him hell'. Shouldn't the BS be grateful he's back ? Won't that attitude just make him remember all the reasons he left in the first place? Whether he returned home 'for the kids' or whatever reason he gives, we all know the bottom line is he did it for 'him'. Just curious over how many marriages survive after a separation where another person is involved, be that prior to the separation or after. If you fall in love and have a relationship with someone that had already moved out of the marital home are you still considered OW/OM? Just curious as to where the line is drawn.
child_of_isis Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 And the BS is supposed to be "grateful" because he is back? Whether he returned home 'for the kids' or whatever reason he gives, we all know the bottom line is he did it for 'him'.
Author Lookingforward Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Main Entry: grate·ful Function: adjective pleasing, thankful, from Latin gratus -- more at grace 1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude 2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated See above - and note - with grace Is that not what the BS wanted ? The return of the WS ? What am I missing ?
justice Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 My marriage did not survive the infidelity. H never left me but came close. After doing some research into the situation, I felt that I could never trust or believe a thing he said ever again. Trust is important to me, and if you break that sacred thread then it's pretty much over with for me. My point? Even if they come back, can you really trust them again 110%? I couldn't, so I ended it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 And the BS is supposed to be "grateful" because he is back? There are some BAD CAT's that might think so! The type that thought you were asking for the definition of the word grateful! If you fall in love and have a relationship with someone that had already moved out of the marital home are you still considered OW/OM? No, it makes you an OW wannabe. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia A Wannabe is a person who imitates or emulates another. Wannabe may also refer to: Pronounced - "Won-ah-bee". Comes from the words "Want to Be" and "Wanna Be".
angel3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Been lurking and reading for a while and see the mindset so often expressed by the BS (usually female) that when the straying spouse returns home she will 'give him hell'. Shouldn't the BS be grateful he's back ? Won't that attitude just make him remember all the reasons he left in the first place? Whether he returned home 'for the kids' or whatever reason he gives, we all know the bottom line is he did it for 'him'. Just curious over how many marriages survive after a separation where another person is involved, be that prior to the separation or after. If you fall in love and have a relationship with someone that had already moved out of the marital home are you still considered OW/OM? Just curious as to where the line is drawn. Isn't it a bit dangerous to make these kind of generalizations? Each situation is different, meaning 'the line' and consequent reactions are different. Even when the basic scenarios may seem the same - the people involved, and often motive - are all very different. Give him hell? I never gave him hell. I was shocked and hurt and upset, but I certainly never raised my voice, or belittled, or yelled or argued - I just asked 'Why?' And he had 'returned home' because this is where he wants to be in the first place - he had made some stupid, selfish decisions and mistakes, which he regrets completely (his words). I didn't beg or plead, or fight for him to come back, or anything like that. He just did. Grateful? That's a tough one to answer too. Sure, I'm glad he hurried home to explain himself, after all, we are married, and I deserve at least that. But him choosing to come home, apologize, and beg forgiveness - is not 'pleasing by reason of comfort supplied' - neither is the 'discomfort alleviated' ... I would have been 'grateful' if he had remained mutually respectful and faithful to our marriage vows, as I have done. Nothing he says or does now can 'supply comfort' or alleviate discomfort' for the pain he has caused - all we can do now is try our best to understand what happened and why, figure out how to rebuild trust, and try to start over. If anyone should feel grateful, it is he, for my decision to give him a second chance and trying to learn to forgive. And actually, he is, and says so often. Perhaps, in the future, if and when we are able to repair our marriage, I will feel 'grateful' that we were able to begin again and salvage our relationship from the damage he has caused. Am I glad that he is sorry, has regrets, wants to make amends? Yes, of course - I can only guess that I would have been hurt even more by his infidelity, had he not wanted to return to the marriage and mend it. But that doesn't make my role as the one who forgives any easier. It only means that reconciliation is an option. Maybe I could even say that I am 'grateful' that he is addressing his issues surrounding the infidelity and the problems in our marriage, rather than just walking away, or trying to just sweep it under the rug. And he is, likewise, grateful for the chance to do so. And we are both grateful that ours is a marriage and friendship worth saving in the first place, and we are working together on building an even happier, stronger marriage, so it is a shared endeavor. Just thinking about it, I can't see it would make any difference the other way around, either. Had I cheated on him while he was deployed in Iraq, and he found out when he came home, I don't think he would feel much 'gratefulness' towards me at all, either. I think that being 'grateful,' in this case, would be up to me, if he chose to give me a second chance. It is hard to understand a situation unless you have been there yourself, so be careful not to make assumptions or sweeping generalizations about a group of people who may have somewhat similar circumstances. Just because we share the burden and pain of infidelity, I think each of our situations are as different from one another as we, as individual people, are. And I hope that you never find yourself in such a situation where you have no choice but to understand exactly what I mean, truly. I wouldn't wish this pain and heartache on anyone, ever. Is that not what the BS wanted ? The return of the WS ? What am I missing ?Oversimplified - perhaps because you are not a BS, you cannot understand. No, the BS only wishes it never happened in the first place. In fact, many of us grapple with whether or not we will even stay - even if the WS does come back.
btanner5 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 From my point, being the spouse that was left and female. Yes you should be grateful, but the trust issue takes alot of time to build back. Did he come back because he loved me or easier money wise. Should he not treat me like a queen, rather than say I am crowding him, which I am. It is a long road anyway you look at it. Consideration should always be a main point in your relationship, but it is a two way street. Both parties should know it takes a long time, but men (sorry for the generalization) once they say I sorry and everything is okay, that is the end of the discussion.
Melissa277 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Grateful? Really? Most WS's who get a "second chance" beg and plead for months as mine did. I sure as he!! didn't beg or plead for him to take me back. I LEFT HIM. So, now I'm supposed to feel grateful because we're back together? Not on your life. And if he has a problem with the way he's treated, he knows where the door is and I know my lawyer's phone number. You must be an OW because I see you believe the oldie but goodie "for the kids or whatever" and assume that the WS was being mistreated at home ... God do you have a lot to learn. Thanks for the definition of grateful ... you obviously assume that all BS's are morons. But then I guess we're not the genuises that put our lives on hold for months and years by sneaking around having sex with someone else's spouse, lying, cheating and hoping beyond hope that someday he/she will leave their spouse and/or family for us all the while telling ourselves that they just can't because of "the kids." Would you like the definition of genius?
Lynna Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Been lurking and reading for a while and see the mindset so often expressed by the BS (usually female) that when the straying spouse returns home she will 'give him hell'. Shouldn't the BS be grateful he's back ? Won't that attitude just make him remember all the reasons he left in the first place?. First of all, I never actually "gave him hell" his actions put me there! I was the one in hell for a long time after DDay. I had a brief period of shouting, only a few minutes really, then a longer period of cold anger, asking why did this happen, asking for details, and asking him what HE wanted, whether HE wanted out of the marriage. Only after he told me that HE wanted to stay, that he loved me and only had the A for selfish reasons did I tell him that I also wanted to work on things. After that discussion, we do occasionally talk about the A, but it is talking. I don't continue to shout at him, or blame him, or try to make him feel guilty about the affair, I don't continue to berate him about it. I refuse to allow his actions to turn me into that kind of person. Yes, often when we do talk about it, my sadness and my feelings do make him feel guilty, I don't do it deliberately to cause that reaction, it is just that it is such an emotional issue that I can't help but show my emotions sometimes, I cry about it. But I do know that I would not want to stay with a man who would not feel guilty in the face of his W's emotions over his A. Whether he returned home 'for the kids' or whatever reason he gives, we all know the bottom line is he did it for 'him'. So his returning to the marriage was a selfish action, he did it for his own reasons. Well, the AFFAIR was for his OWN SELFISH reasons as well. In both cases he is chooising what he sees as is best for him. The way this is stated above, in NEITHER case is he thinking of what is best for his wife. Therefore, why should the wife be grateful? Now, I do think that it is possible that he returns to the marriage in PART for him and in PART for his wife and his love for her. In that case he is thinking byond himself. Should a wife be thankful that he is finally thinking of them and of her again, yes. Should she be grateful when he finally stops being selfish and does think about the marriage and about her? Again, no, because at that point he is only doing what he aggreed to do in the first place when they made their vows. In your definition of grateful the wife should be "appreciative of benefits received" what benefits are new here that she should be grateful for? He was her husband to begin with, now he comes back to her and she is faced with a lifetime of dealing with the fact that she was not enough for him at this point in his life. She has a lifetime of dealing with doubt and trust issues that inevitably result. Yet, you say she should be expressing gratitude that he chose her, well, he chose her in the first place by marrying her. Again, is that something to be grateful for? Or thankful for? These are two different things. As for the part about "affording pleasure or contentment", well, it is going to be a LONG time before the betrayed marriage is as pleasurable or content as it was BEFORE the A. Finally "pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated" yeah, his abandoning the A and coming back does allieviate some of the discomfort. But should the wife be grateful that he allieviates discomfort that should NEVER have been there in the first place. It is discomfort that HE caused by engaging in the A rather than taking a more helpful tact of communicating with his wife. Why should the wife be grateful to him for stopping something he should never have done to start with. If anything it is the H who should be grateful that his W is willing to take him back after he betrayed her! While both people may be to blame for any problems in their marriage, HE is the one who took the wrong approach to dealing with those problems. If you fall in love and have a relationship with someone that had already moved out of the marital home are you still considered OW/OM? Just curious as to where the line is drawn. If the divorce papers are not signed and legalized, then yes, you are an OW/OM because the marriage is still official, it still exists. There is a husband, there is a wife - you are a third party to a marriage of two people, therefore, you are "other". The W/H could still find out about you and could still use it against their spouse in the divorce proceedings. Or, there may be unresolved feelings and the couple may end up getting back together. It is much better to remain in a friendship with that person until everything is finalized. You don't need to add to their problems.
dauphine Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Should the BS be greatful? Not sure on that one. I guess its how bad you want them back but really wanting back a cheating spouse is a foreign concept to me. I, like Justice couldn't go back to my marriage. My husband was a serial cheater and I had caught him twice before so the third time was the last time. That makes me stupid twice in a row and I wasn't going to repeat that again. I could never trust him again no matter what he did to redeem himself. It had been broken for good and I didn't feel that I wanted to live the rest of my life in a marriage being paranoid because I would have been PARANOID for as long as we were together. No thanks. I realized there are too many wonderful men out there that would actually respect me enough not to sleep around and endanger me with STD's. He never used condoms. By the way, I was right because I met a wonderful, respectful man and married him so life can be good again.
JustBreathe Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I am not in the least grateful he jacked our marriage then decided to come home again. I am grateful that he came clean as now I know what kind of person I'm dealing with. Many times I wish he WOULD have left me for the OW. She would have deserved him for sleeping with another woman's husband and leeching off her life instead of finding a man who was available. But he didn't, as most married men do not. My husband begged and pleaded and actually cried big sobbing tears to come home. He said he was going to lose his mind. He made promise after promise to me. He has tried his best to keep those promises. I never said I would give him hell if he came back, and I have never heard of a wife who did that. If he is telling you this, he is a liar. A wife will take a man back for the same reasons the wife does. Most often because she is deeply hurt but still cares for him despite what he did and hopes her marriage can somehow be repaired - not because she wants to get even. That is ridiculous. Look up the statistics on the net yourself. Most people will fight like hell to keep their marriages. They will do everything possible to mend it. Sometimes with great effort on the part of the married man to figure out how he sank to such depths, and courage on the part of the betrayed spouse to take that leap of faith, they can. Sometimes not. A married man is married until he is divorced. Any woman who sleeps with a married man is an OW, separated or not. She is in desperate need of self-introspection to figure out why she allows herself to be in such a dishonest and disloyal relationship. It is purely wrong to violate the promises made in good faith to a person who loves you by sleeping with another woman to suit your own purposes.
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 If the divorce papers are not signed and legalized, then yes, you are an OW/OM because the marriage is still official, it still exists. There is a husband, there is a wife - you are a third party to a marriage of two people, therefore, you are "other". The W/H could still find out about you and could still use it against their spouse in the divorce proceedings. Or, there may be unresolved feelings and the couple may end up getting back together. It is much better to remain in a friendship with that person until everything is finalized. You don't need to add to their problems. Nahh I don't agree with that it's not so black and white like that there are plenty people who are seperated and have been for quite some time and not yet divorced. They are living apart and are dating other people, and the other people are not OW/OM. Check out those dating sites there are lots of men who are seperated and not yet divorced, and if you date a guy like that doesn't make you the OW it makes for a riskier tie given he could go back to the marriage I suppose but as far as being an OW/OM and forming and A you are only in an A if you are kept a secret. If you are sneaking around hiding from the world you are an OW/OM. Besides if you are living on your own for more than 4 months I think it is here in Canada you are legally considered seperated.
FireandIce Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Besides if you are living on your own for more than 4 months I think it is here in Canada you are legally considered seperated. It's actually 3 months. You don't need a legal (official) seperation here, just have to be apart (meaning no longer sharing the marital bed but you can still be living in the same residence) for three full months. As for being grateful, well he was the one who came back and begged for forgiveness. I think he should be grateful that I was willing to work on our marriage and give him a second chance.
Tomcat33 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 It's actually 3 months. You don't need a legal (official) seperation here, just have to be apart (meaning no longer sharing the marital bed but you can still be living in the same residence) for three full months. As for being grateful, well he was the one who came back and begged for forgiveness. I think he should be grateful that I was willing to work on our marriage and give him a second chance. Thanks for clarifying that Fire So there you have it if he is living on his own technically you are not having an affair. I agree with the BS not being the grateful one the cheater is and should be greatful he/she was given another chance...I would even go as far as to say what's there to be grateful about for accepting a cheater back? But that's just me..
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I would even go as far as to say what's there to be grateful about for accepting a cheater back? But that's just me.. This makes no sense, if you're willing to help someone cheat on their spouse, then why can't you understand the love a BS has for their spouse? That some people give second chances. Some don't, ofcourse -It's you cheat, you GO and it's over. I commend those who have the inner strength and big enough hearts to allow their cheating spouse a second chance. Thumbs, DazednConfused, Owl, to name afew............ALL men who had wives cheat on them and all gave them a chance to make it right again. What's wrong with that, especially if their marriage is back on track and they're happy? PS I'm not trying to argue or pick a fight, so there is no intent of anything behind my words, just FYI...
Tomcat33 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 This makes no sense, if you're willing to help someone cheat on their spouse, then why can't you understand the love a BS has for their spouse? That some people give second chances. Some don't, ofcourse -It's you cheat, you GO and it's over. What don't you understand? there is nothing to be greatful about for the BS. the BS is giving the cheater another chance the onis is on the cheater to show appreciation for being allowed a second chance, they should be greatful. so that doesn't mean the BS is "greatful" they came back the BS might even decide they dont want them back.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I didn't say anything about being grateful, TC. I was talking about how much I commend BS's for having a big heart to take them back and give them a second chance.
Author Lookingforward Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Sorry if I used the wrong word, people seem fixated on it - I meant glad, happy, thankful, whatever word you think suits. Just trying to understand why you would want to punish someone if your goal is to work on the marriage after reconciliation, that's all. Tomcat, that's kind of my take on the OW/OM thing too - you don't go from married to divorced overnight, it's a process and if the person is living alone then one could assume they are in that process, not 'in' the marriage per se. Perhaps in a perfect world they should wait until they have the papers to date again, but then if it was a perfect world they wouldn't be separated, no ? That said, I also agree that having a relationship with a separated person is taking a risk that there are unresolved issues with the marriage they've left that could damage any chance of a relationship.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I commend those who have the inner strength and big enough hearts to allow their cheating spouse a second chance. Thumbs, DazednConfused, Owl, to name afew............ALL men who had wives cheat on them and all gave them a chance to make it right again. What's wrong with that, especially if their marriage is back on track and they're happy? I won't comment on which partner should (or shouldn't) be grateful, but I do think that the success rate for those that try to reconcile after one partner's A is pretty low. Even if the OM or OW is out of the picture, both partners reconnect with differing agendas and a whole lot of baggage. Perhaps WWIU, that makes the examples you cited even more notable. My own experience was the opposite Mr. Lucky
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 OP, Are you considering dating a "separated" man? Are you in Canada, I know in the States, these things are particular to each state. Just trying to understand why you would want to punish someone if your goal is to work on the marriage after reconciliation, that's all. I don't understand this? Who is being punished and for what? Is that what you meant in your original post about "giving him hell". Does that mean expressing ones hurt, or imposing boundaries, or asking for him respect triggers from the past? How would the WS be punished, I don't get what you actually are referring to as punishment.
Tomcat33 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Tomcat, that's kind of my take on the OW/OM thing too - you don't go from married to divorced overnight, it's a process and if the person is living alone then one could assume they are in that process, not 'in' the marriage per se. Perhaps in a perfect world they should wait until they have the papers to date again, but then if it was a perfect world they wouldn't be separated, no ? That said, I also agree that having a relationship with a separated person is taking a risk that there are unresolved issues with the marriage they've left that could damage any chance of a relationship. I agree. My case was like what you described he was seperated and living on his own for two months when we started dating waaaay too soon but things just kind of developed that way. On the one hand the rel wasn't an affair because we had a normal rel. on the other hand he didn't want his W or exW to know he was dating me to "protect"her didn't want to hurt her further...so really that was his problem. I was dating him while he was alone...I don't consider what we had as an A but some of the aspects of how we related and the things he said to me ie promises etc. where very much like what you see in men who are in As. Anyway if your rel was with a seperated guy living on his own I don't see your rel as an A. Do you? Were you sneaking around or was the rel lived out in the open? For example in my case she really pushed to have him back home and eventually she guilted him back I saw the emails after she found out about us it was even stronger, and I don't blame her for fighting for what she beleived in but on the same token maybe in that scenario I can see why you would choose the words "she should be thankful he went back" simply because he "chose"" to go back, he was seperated afterall os the breakup happend independant to your rel to him. Correct? So I can see what you mean about being thankful to be given a second chance I suppose. As to the last part of your post, that is EXACTLY what happend to me, he lead me on the belive he was ready to move on but he had a laundry list of unfinished business that ultimately doomed any chance at us having a "normal"rel. You live you learn... never again with a sepreated guy...well not unless he's been seperated for a few years. And even then I would question why no D?
NoIDidn't Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 LookingForward is thinking backwards and not considering all the possible angles of what the BS is feeling when the WS comes back home. Most are wondering if things will work out at all; wondering if they will ever trust him, wondering if the only reason they came back was because they will miss their money, wondering if they only came back for the kids, wondering if they came back for the dog, the car, the vacation home, the in-laws, the neighbors, are they still in the A, will they have another A, ....... As you can see the list goes on and on. Yeah, the BS may be relieved when the WS returns, but it isn't a "whew, I dodged a bullet" kind of relief. Its an okay, well now that the WS is back in the home, let's see what happens from here. And on the punishment note: that's just how the WS is going to report it to the OP if they're still in contact with OP -which they shouldn't be. Of course the WS wants to be treated like royalty! Why else would they have an A if they didn't want servants? WSs don't like the consequences of their actions. They think things should be like they were before dday, but that's wishful, stinkin' thinkin'.
FireandIce Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 LookingForward is thinking backwards and not considering all the possible angles of what the BS is feeling when the WS comes back home. Most are wondering if things will work out at all; wondering if they will ever trust him, wondering if the only reason they came back was because they will miss their money, wondering if they only came back for the kids, wondering if they came back for the dog, the car, the vacation home, the in-laws, the neighbors, are they still in the A, will they have another A, ....... As you can see the list goes on and on. Yeah, the BS may be relieved when the WS returns, but it isn't a "whew, I dodged a bullet" kind of relief. Its an okay, well now that the WS is back in the home, let's see what happens from here. And on the punishment note: that's just how the WS is going to report it to the OP if they're still in contact with OP -which they shouldn't be. Of course the WS wants to be treated like royalty! Why else would they have an A if they didn't want servants? WSs don't like the consequences of their actions. They think things should be like they were before dday, but that's wishful, stinkin' thinkin'. Exactly. From what I've read on here, a lot of OW believe it's sooo tough on "their" MM when he decides to return home to the BS. Well take a second to put yourselves into the BS shoes. You have a man that you have loved more than any other and he basically ignored that and turned to another woman. Then all of a sudden he comes back begging for forgiveness. You want so badly to trust him and believe he's there for the right reasons (ie for you and nothing else) but after everything that has happened how could the BS truly know and believe anything at this point? I think that's what creates so much tension when the WH and BS get back together. I don't believe it's on the BS to make the WH's life hap-hap-happy. He is the one who chose to step out of the marriage and he is the one who came back. He is the one who should be doing anything and everything to win back the BS' love and forgiveness and be extremely grateful that the BS is willing to give them another chance.
Tomcat33 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 You have a man that you have loved more than any other and he basically ignored that and turned to another woman. Then all of a sudden he comes back begging for forgiveness. You want so badly to trust him and believe he's there for the right reasons (ie for you and nothing else) but after everything that has happened how could the BS truly know and believe anything at this point? I think that's what creates so much tension when the WH and BS get back together. I don't believe it's on the BS to make the WH's life hap-hap-happy. He is the one who chose to step out of the marriage and he is the one who came back. He is the one who should be doing anything and everything to win back the BS' love and forgiveness and be extremely grateful that the BS is willing to give them another chance. Right! Which is EXACTLY why a cheater should never be taken back, thats what I believe and stand by. It's just not worth the work and in the long run even if you do reach some sort of recovery state and you manage to make the marriage function again, you will NEVER be able to trust the WS again, no matter how much time passes no matter how much work you put into it, the doubt will always be there you will ALWAYS wonder is he here for me or for what? I really think a BS that takes back a cheater subjects themselves to more pain you are signing up for a lifetime of misery. Granted there are those people who forgive and their version of forgiving is not caring anymore, they are happy in a dead end rel, that is tainted and as long as the roof is still there, the status quo appearance, so what if the rel isn't what it could be it's better than nothing. Some people do conform. And then there are those very few that actually are happy in the long run, still not sure how they do it or what happened but I guess for a select few it;s possible. For the most part though I don't think it works. Life is TOO short for that. There are SO many peoople out there so many loving people who just want to be with another human being who can and will be caring enough not to abuse the union that is formed, why would anyone in their right mind stay with a someone they have to doubt for the rest of their days if they are there because they really love them or because it's just more comfortable for them. And not to mention with the accessability of the internet now you can meet all sorts of people from all walks for life, long gone are the days where the woman has to join a bridge club to mingle with other people. My theory is this: Loss produces change, the IDEA of loss does not. If you accept a cheater back you are letting them know are forgiving what they did IF they repent. They now know they can do this, there is no fear of loss. But when you lose it all and suffer the REAL consecuences of your actions only THEN can you change and really allow what you did to make you a better person. If fear of loss would prevent cheaters from cheating they would not have done so in the first place. I just don't think a person can learn what they did through forgiveness. Look at all the criminals that are out there you think they reform when they get a slap on the wrist and are asked to pay a penalty by the court? Or does it happen after they lose their freedom and are locked up for years in jail? Heck some people do yrs and yrs and come out and commit a crime again...The point being if you were to ask any of those criminals how many times they had been caught and warned before they ended up doing real time, chances are they will say many times. Warnings of loss never works, it's human nature to want to try again once you have gotten away with one little crime. I think they need to experience a full loss to come to terms with what they did. A spouse that just spent a year or more with another person engaged in an intimate relationship, has their spouse find out about the A and allows them to stay in the comfort of the home, with the children and home cooked meals and a partner and they themselves are so confused and desperate to have this not happen again that they want to give them more but at times can't and other times can, is not a strong message that what they did IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. Because all the actions are say it IS accpetable as long as you show some remorse. Loss produces growth warnings don't.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Right! Which is EXACTLY why a cheater should never be taken back, thats what I believe and stand by. It's just not worth the work and in the long run even if you do reach some sort of recovery state and you manage to make the marriage function again, you will NEVER be able to trust the WS again, no matter how much time passes no matter how much work you put into it, the doubt will always be there you will ALWAYS wonder is he here for me or for what? I was lookingforward to seeing where this thread was intended to go. Its perfectly wonderful that YOU would never take back a cheater and that you stand by that. Many women who have ACTUALLY been on this side of the fence also adhere to that in action rather than simply in theory. Advising other women to give up their hard earned lives and that of their children because YOU couldn't forgive is a frame of mind that I don't particularly understand. YOU may never be able to trust the WS (if you had one) but I beileve that there are people here who have been able to get past it in their own situations. People who have ACTUALLY been in the situation before. I don't understand why you are so adamant about the fact that other people should hold your views in their own lives, it isn't as if they are hurting anyone other than themselves? I do understand that that was the point of this thread to begin with though and why it was placed on this board. If one OW can be saved the pain of a BS taking back a WS then I suppose it was worth it! I still don't get where the punishment issue comes in though, or what that is about. I mean how could the BS punish the WS by taking him back? That part has yet to be explained by you/lookingforward.
Recommended Posts