FC801 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 A little history: My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 1/2 years. We have lived together for 1 year. He is from another country, and is here on a work visa which is tied to his company. We met at a party, were instantly attracted to each other, and immediately started dating. We had an amazing relationship. We never fought, we always got along. We were deeply in love and each other's best friend. and basically like family, since both our families live far away. He spent time with my family and friends, I spent time with his, we were a serious part of each other's lives. We have similar outlooks on what's important in life, we have the same values and both have very mellow and cheerful personalities, as well as being madly attracted to each other. We would wake up giggling and kissing, and fall asleep snuggled up. We were so happy, there is absolutely no denying that. I saw it in his eyes, in the way he treated me, and me him, we were both committed and thrilled with each other every single day. I looked forward to coming home after work and being with him and I know he did too. Not once did he walk in the door without kissing and hugging me, and not once did we let a day go by without holding hands and being romantic. I have tried and tried to see something wrong that I didn't notice, and there is simply nothing. We were perfect, we were the kind of couple that other people were jealous of, and everyone always said we would end up married. The interesting part is that I never once expected marriage, I didn't pressure him in any way. He was the one who always brought up our future, and made plans for us. He brought up the topic of living together, and would talk about us moving to his country when his visa was up and settling down. ALL THE TIME. It scared me a lot, I have trouble trusting people, but eventually he convinced me he was for real and I believed him. I started to get excited about being with him for the long-term and creating a life together. A few months ago, he was told that he had to relocate to another city and state in order to keep his visa and job. He asked me to come with him. He reassured me he wanted me to come with him. I said of course, I love you. He was adorable and sweet, and so happy, telling me he'd get me a piano when we moved to our new place, he mentioned even buying a house there together. Still making plans for our future and talking about us, us, us. I was no longer scared, I trusted him completely. I started looking for a new job, I gave notice at my current job...He started going back and forth to the new city to get work done, he was traveling a lot, he was horribly stressed and seemed fed up with work. All my friends had been pressuring me to offer to marry him, so he could be free to work wherever he wanted here. I was not ready to get married, but they made me feel like a terrible girlfriend for not giving him a chance. I brought it up, only as an option, and explained that I was not ready to get married right now, but we could think of it as a possibility. I could see right away that he freaked out, which is especially ironic considering he was the one talking about our future for the past 2 1/2 years. And suddenly a week later, out of the blue, he tells me he has changed his mind, he doesn't want me to come with him, he needs to be by himself, he is confused and homesick and wanting to go home to his country, knowing full well that that would mean he would lose his visa and me in the process, since we both agreed we were not ready to get married at this point. I was completely devastated. I have never felt so broken and so hurt and betrayed. I think he is so terrified that he HAS met the right person and he feels he is too young to settle down (I'm 30, he's 28). But I don't even want to settle down right now, I just want to be with him and love him the way we've always done. Do I see a future? YES. And honestly, I truly believe he does too but he is so scared to admit that to himself. Meanwhile, he is in the new city, in what was supposed to be our apartment. He now says he was unhappy for a long time and didn't realize it until now, that he doesn't love me enough. But you know something? He is not someone who can fake happiness, or love. He was so happy with me, the few times I saw him unhappy, he could not hide it, it was obvious. And I know how deeply he loved me. He is so paranoid that I will find out where he lives (I already know) and he doesn't want me in his "new life." I have spoken to a therapist, and he says that my now ex-boyfriend is a commitment phobe, who, although he was in a long-term relationship, was triggered by the marriage discussion and is now freaked and running. He is creating an alternate reality of what happened between us, to try to convince himself that his erratic and immature behavior is justified, and he is doing this in an environment where no one knows our history and no one can contradict him because they don't even know I exist in the new city. And he is subconsciously terrified I will interrupt his "new life" and this alternate reality will come crashing down around him, which is why he doesn't want me visiting him there. The few times we have talked since we broke up, I never know who I'm going to get - the person I know and love, or the random stranger who has taken his place. He says he needs time to figure out where he is in his head. When I see pictures of him where he is now, he looks empty and miserable. He says he still loves me. I can not comprehend why you would dump someone you apparently love and care for so much, especially in the middle of a horribly stressful time at work. In the meantime, I am completely devastated and on anti-depressants and sedatives. I can't focus on work or any of the things I used to enjoy, all I do is cry. All the people I know where I live have only known me as part of a couple, all my memories of this city include him because as soon as I moved here, I met him and we started creating a life together. I know, logically, that I shouldn't and can not be with someone who is so confused and messed up, and that I need to move on and get over him, but how? I always thought I was strong, until this. I have never been this sad. Please help me, I don't know where else to turn.
Author FC801 Posted July 21, 2007 Author Posted July 21, 2007 Addendum to my first post. He has apparently slept with someone else in the new city. I am so hurt, we just broke up 3 weeks ago. Up until a few days ago, he was still saying he was confused and that he loved me. He now says he's completely over me and sounds emotionless and cold. Please tell me how to feel better, I am a shattered wreck.
supertouch Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 it's obvious this guy never loved you. he's one of those dudes that talks the talk but can't walk the walk. he says stuff you want to hear but deep down he's unhappy. either that or he expects a relationship to be "perfect" and if he notices any flaws then he's out of there. that's infatuation and not love. usually if a relationship is a little TOO perfect that means it's headed for disaster. instead of dwelling on the guy you supposedly fell in love with, just realize what a scumbag this person is and move on.
dvsxx6 Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 FC801: I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. You really deserve better than that jerk. IMO, you shouldn't blame yourself for his stupidity. He's a selfish a.sshole and you deserve a lot better. Just remember that Karma is a b.itch & he'll get it 10x as hard someday. Keep your family and friends close, and try working on getting over him. It will take time but you can do it.And if I were you, I'd stop all contact with him. You don't want him to think you're his "convenient" woman, that you're always going to be there for him. Especially since he knows you still have feelings for him and are vulnerable state. He may take advantage of that. Keep your head up. You must get over him. Don't even consider getting back with him because if he would put you through that, that just shows absolutely NO regard for your feelings. Absolutely NO respect for you. How cold is that! Be strong.. You can do this. Take care & Good luck
kittensmittens Posted July 22, 2007 Posted July 22, 2007 All the people I know where I live have only known me as part of a couple, all my memories of this city include him because as soon as I moved here, I met him and we started creating a life together. I can completely relate to you here. My ex is living in the town I moved off to go to school in. I started dating him just before I moved there. I've been dating him the entire time I've lived there and lived w/ him there most of that time. Every memory I have of that town has him in it. He's not even there for school and I was! So now he's THERE and I feel like I just can't go back, I can't live there anymore. I still have 2 years left and I don't know what to do b/c it's so painful to go back there. I feel like he's hijacked my town! So I know how painful it is.. I'm really sorry about what happened to you....I'm sorting through my own feelings of betrayal too. I don't have any advice, but I sure do understand how confusing and painful it is...
Author FC801 Posted July 26, 2007 Author Posted July 26, 2007 Thank you all for your advice and support. I know he is a worthless jerk and I need to move on. He is not the man he convinced me he was. But I am still having a very hard time accepting that, obviously I still love him and can not move on as quickly as he can and just sleep with someone else. I can't concentrate on work and it takes every ounce of effort to not cry and break down at work. He is coming this weekend to get his things from what was our apartment and talk about what we're going to do with our lease which is not up until December...I hope it is not too awful, it makes me so profoundly sad that our beautiful relationship is having such a horrible ending. But I guess that's how endings go. Take care.
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