ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I'm new here, but have been reading the board for a while. A little bit of history. I had an emotional affair with someone at work about a year ago for nearly 2 years. We never got physical, but we were basically eachother's confidants. We saw eachother daily and even went out a few times..but I never let it get physical...however; the sexual chemistry/attraction was always there. He decided to stop pursuing me about a year ago when I think he realized I was not going to take the relationship to it's next step. He changed departments and we hardly ever saw eachother again with a few exceptions on the elevator or something of that sort. Tonight, we again ran into eachother on the elevator as we were both leaving....He offered to give me a ride to my car since I park offsite...I was hesitant, even mentioned my shuttle was there and ready to go..but he insisted he drive me to my car...I felt bad saying no, so I let him. We just had small talk but it was obvious the attraction was still there...I got out of the car as soon as I got to the stop and he said he'd be up to see me again and he said he's been a complete idiot for avoiding me..I just smiled and said drive safe and got into my car. Now I am worried.....worried because firstly, I don't know if he meant that last line...and worried that if he DID mean it...was this going to start all over again..It took me a while to accept it was over and to go through that again is not something I need. Eventhough I do miss him, and being with him tonight if only for a few minutes brought back a lot of memories. For those who went through this...is it possible he is still not over it..and will try to re-start this "emotional affair" to see if it can grow into more??
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 It is very possible. So if you don't want to repeat the past, don't. Next time he offers you a ride or to go out for a drink or to hang out and talk politely say no thanks you have other plans and just avoid him. Believe me if you let it start up again the few moments of pleasure will soon be clouded by many moments of pain and sadness. Do yourself a favour and cut yourself loose. You are already winning and you don't even realise it.
NoIDidn't Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 It doesn't have to start again. Are you not capable of saying that you're not interested? Or is it that you are not over it either? Why did it end the last time?
Author ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 We never had an "end". He just went away, after I told him to. NO fight or any discussion about "us". He changed departments, dove into work, started working more hours and moved on. Tonight we ran into eachother accidently..and he wouldn't take no for an answer..First he wanted me to go eat with him...so I declined and told him I had to catch the shuttle and walked away....He followed me and insisted on a ride home. He seemed depressed, down, he kept explaining on how much he is working and how he has no life, and how the extra money he is making is doing nothing to make him happier....He is a completely changed person from what I remember....depressed. It seems that his marriage hasn't gotten better since our affair ended. I think seeing me brought back a little of happiness that he had when we were closer....Actually, I know it did, and that's why he expressed an interest in "visiting me" more often. Part of me thinks I'll be strong...again. But Part of me always wondered "what if"....
NoIDidn't Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 You are dealing with a depressed man that thinks the excitement of new love will lift him out of his blue state. Were it not for the details you include, I would swear you were talking about MY H. But, alas, there is no shuttle between his work sites. LOL. Seriously, this will only hurt you. Why did you tell him to go away? For all you know he found another AP (affair partner) in his work. He is determined not to work on his M with his W. That's evident. Recommend a good therapist and anti-depressant to him and send him packing again.
Author ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 I told him to go for several reasons...One, I was afraid that if we got any closer, it WOULD have gotten to a physical place. Secondly, the more exposer we had to eachother, the more he wanted to be around me, and the more he believed he had a shot of "being" with me. My reason to him was a simple "people are talking, you need to stay away". He BLEW UP at me, didn't talk to me for weeks...I slowly tried to tell him that we could still be friends, but he couldn't be in my office all the time. He still took this as a big blow (to his ego, I suppose) and he looked for another job within the company. The visits stopped, the emails stopped, the gifts stopped. It was very "cold turkey".
NoIDidn't Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Man, he has sour grapes. I wouldn't consider getting with such a man again. No matter how much I wondered "what if". But that's just me, I suppose. What will it take for you to tell him "stay away" again? People will start to talk again, regardless of the different departments thing. The old rumors will just resurface. Could you handle that? Its good that your career is important to you.
Author ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Man, he has sour grapes. That he does. Tough when you want someone you can't have....and he knows me well enough to know I won't be with a married man. The emotional affair was bad enough. Fact is...I have been the "other woman" and I will never re-visit that again. If I didn't have that experience behind me, I think I would have fallen for him. But little does he know that I"ve been there, done that and wasn't going back for seconds. Unlucky for him, he thought his charm and his undivided attention was going to get me... Still though, unresolved feelings for both of us.....especially for him. I really was hoping that he'd work on his marriage...but he's actually more messed up in the head than before he met me. And now I am on here and on my second Crown Royal hoping this is not going to start back up again (even though a part of me wants it...ewww..) LOL
NoIDidn't Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Confused He sounds like more trouble than he's worth, really. Its easy to want to help someone or rescue them from their demons, but sometimes it hurts us more in the long run than the pain of knowing we could help and didn't. I am not even considering his M. This guy has issues separate and apart from his M. He really should consider looking into his workaholism and depression. Both are pretty big indicators of the non-committed type. Afraid to commit to a person, he commits to a thing or actions, stuff he can quantify. I can only imagine what his W deals with. Hopefully he will get some help from a medical professional and stop trying to pull you into his problems. Sounds like he wants someone in the mudhole with him. Misery does love company.
Meaplus3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 That he does. Tough when you want someone you can't have....and he knows me well enough to know I won't be with a married man. The emotional affair was bad enough. Fact is...I have been the "other woman" and I will never re-visit that again. If I didn't have that experience behind me, I think I would have fallen for him. But little does he know that I"ve been there, done that and wasn't going back for seconds. Unlucky for him, he thought his charm and his undivided attention was going to get me... Still though, unresolved feelings for both of us.....especially for him. I really was hoping that he'd work on his marriage...but he's actually more messed up in the head than before he met me. And now I am on here and on my second Crown Royal hoping this is not going to start back up again (even though a part of me wants it...ewww..) LOL Coming from a person who got herelf involved in rather long ea with a MM it's not worth it! It it very easy to fall into an ea and believe that there are srtong feeling's form both parties, trust me this is not the case. In most cases a mm that engages in an ea feel's as though he did nothing wrong because it was not a Physical R. IMOP if he's coming around again he probably need's some attention, and if that's the case it's probably becasuse he need's to feel adored by someone other than his W at the moment. Don't be fooled by this confused as it is short term on his part and will just confuse you more if you give into to him. Stay away and gaurd you heart! AP:)
Shades of Grey Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Please don't go there Confused. You've done so well in removing this man from your life before things went too far. Coming from the perspective of someone who started a relationship with an MM under similar circumstances and based on what i am going through at the moment I feel really distraught at the thought of anyone else getting themselves into a situation like this. It's so not worth it please believe me.
Author ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Thanks for your advice ladies....I knew this place would keep me on track and remind me about the heartbreak that follows when you get involved with something that is not yours.... Hopefully, he said that at the moment, but after he reflects on it...he'll know to stay away as the last thing either one of us needs is another emotional rollercoaster.... One comment, the guilt was there, at least for me, eventhough it wasn't physical.....I'm not sure he felt the guilt though.... thanks
Shades of Grey Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I doubt he will know to stay away Confused, thats the thing. And you're right it's probably very unlikely that he felt the guilt as you did. You need to prepare yourself to remain determined. Good luck.
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Hopefully, he said that at the moment, but after he reflects on it...he'll know to stay away as the last thing either one of us needs is another emotional rollercoaster.... One comment, the guilt was there, at least for me, eventhough it wasn't physical.....I'm not sure he felt the guilt though.... thanks The thing is ConfusedGirl...it sounds like you are leaving it up to his actions.... YOU take control of the situation and say to yourself, it doesn't matter what his intentions are, I am the one who is putting the foot down and won't allow this to happen. If you leave it up to him you are guaranteed to go down the wrong path. He is not thinking of your well being he is thinking of his. You think of yours.
Meaplus3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 The thing is ConfusedGirl...it sounds like you are leaving it up to his actions.... YOU take control of the situation and say to yourself, it doesn't matter what his intentions are, I am the one who is putting the foot down and won't allow this to happen. If you leave it up to him you are guaranteed to go down the wrong path. He is not thinking of your well being he is thinking of his. You think of yours. Well said Tom! Confusedgirl, it's very important for you to take control in order for you to escape another ea with this mm. Don't give him that power to confuse you again. These ea's can do such a job on one's emotional well beign, it's just turn's out so bad, not worth all the pain in the end! AP:)
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Hi AP how are you doing? meant to comment on your other thread re. your move...I think that might be the best bet for you Confused: listen to AP if anyone knows how hard it can be she does...I'm sure if she could turn back time she would things very differently.
Meaplus3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Hi AP how are you doing? meant to comment on your other thread re. your move...I think that might be the best bet for you Confused: listen to AP if anyone knows how hard it can be she does...I'm sure if she could turn back time she would things very differently. Hi Tom, Thank's for asking I'm good today! I am taking this on a daily basis because that's about all I can do right at the moment. One good thing is I realize now after such a long, long drawn out time that I was very much used by MM, not loved munipulated and used. Keeping track of that thought is helping me to realize that I have so much more with my H (even if we are going through a most horrible time) than I ever could or would have with this mm. Just because my H has some issues isn't reason enough for me to throw in the towel, I was to quick to think that, run from my problem's as an answer! Confused, go back and read my story to see what a nightmare you could have right in front of you, not worth it AT ALL! What does MM really stand for? Munipulative Monster! AP:)
Author ConfusedGirl004 Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 I know you are all right. He didn't come by like he said he would...He actually does this a lot. Perhaps his sadistic way to keep me thinking about him. Sometimes I wish I would just change jobs and never have to worry about running into him. But why should I give up a great career in a company that I am established and respected because of his emotional games. Sighhhh..only good thing is that I am much stronger now and see through his little games.
Meaplus3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 I know you are all right. He didn't come by like he said he would...He actually does this a lot. Perhaps his sadistic way to keep me thinking about him. Sometimes I wish I would just change jobs and never have to worry about running into him. But why should I give up a great career in a company that I am established and respected because of his emotional games. Sighhhh..only good thing is that I am much stronger now and see through his little games. You should not have to change job's on his account. Don't look his way and ignore the "Monster". If he comes your way again Turn your head and forget him! MM have a great way of trying to "Reel" the OW back in. It's just for a rush at the time and nothing more. See how much I learned from my Xmm. The thing that make's me sick is that it took so long for me to see the truth. Do yourself a BIG favor and see it NOW! Look back one day very soon and be thankful for taking the advice of the many that have "Been There" so to speak on this forum! Best wishes. AP:)
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