My boyfriend doesn't want me to have any male friends whatsoever.

[Kei Morioka]

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I'd refuse to have male friends in general from now on, because it makes cheating an option. He told me that I may know now that I'd never do anything like that, but that things may change. I may have a guy friend, and then eventually think he's cute, and then end up kissing him or something worse if my boyfriend and I fight or aren't feeling happy towards each other one day. He said that he never gets around girls and refuses to be friends with them for that reason, because mine and his relationship means so much to him that he doesn't even want cheating to be an option. He says that he's going to be around for me if I need him, but due to abuse from him in the past, I have a hard time trusting that things will work this time. He says that I don't need any other guys friends, and that I should be able to give them up if he's enough for me. He says that if I really want this relationship to work that I'll make sacrifices for him, because we've been having problems lately and he thinks it would help with his insecurities.

 

We've been going steady for two years now and there's never been any cheating, but despite what my boyfriend says, I don't want to give up the guy friends I have, and I don't want to shut out possible friendships in the future due to turning away people based on their gender. How I do reassure him that I won't cheat? How do I let him know that I don't want to get rid of my male friends without him feeling like he's not enough for me or that I'm not willing to make sacrifices for our relationship? What are your guys' opinions on this?

[McFadden]

...because it makes cheating an option.

 

That doesn't make sense, cheating is always an option. Trying to close off the other person from temptations doesn't change anything.

 

He says that I don't need any other guys friends, and that I should be able to give them up if he's enough for me. He says that if I really want this relationship to work that I'll make sacrifices for him, because we've been having problems lately and he thinks it would help with his insecurities.

 

It seems very insecure for him to say that. Because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you don't need to have your own friends and life.

 

How I do reassure him that I won't cheat? How do I let him know that I don't want to get rid of my male friends without him feeling like he's not enough for me or that I'm not willing to make sacrifices for our relationship? What are your guys' opinions on this?

 

Sorry to have such a negative opinion, but I don't think its possible to convice him. You won't be able to keep your friends without him being jealous and resentful and constantly making it an issue. The fact that he doesn't want you to have any male friends, and some of the particular things he said would make him a 'next' in my opinion, too incompatible. If you really do value the relationship more than anything you will have to cut off your male friendships as he asks, cleanly and permenantly and if that's something you cannot do, you know the answer.

[Enema]

Your boyfriends' insecurities are his own to work out... you shouldn't have to make sacrifices because of His problem.

 

This controlling, untrusting attitude coupled with your mention of abuse makes me think you should get away from this guy asap.

[jcster]

He says that he's going to be around for me if I need him, but due to abuse from him in the past, I have a hard time trusting that things will work this time.

 

You just said a lot right here. What type of abuse? He seems very controlling.

 

He says that I don't need any other guys friends, and that I should be able to give them up if he's enough for me.

 

He's turned it into a test of your love. Did I mention he's very controlling?

 

He says that if I really want this relationship to work that I'll make sacrifices for him, because we've been having problems lately and he thinks it would help with his insecurities.

 

He holds your responsible for his insecurities. Did I mention that he's very controlling yet?

 

I posted here somewhere the hallmarks of a potential abuser. Here they are again:

 

• Abusers try to rush the relationship: Abusers often get attached to the relationship very quickly and rush through the getting-to-know-you phases of a courtship so that you know little about their past or family. "They may disguise this hurried behavior as romantic by saying, 'I can't live without you' or 'I've never felt loved like this by anyone,' " says Kabat. They may want to marry you or move in together right away. They are extremely emotionally dependent or needy early in the relationship. If you try to slow things down, they will make you feel like you are being over-reactive. Suicide threats are also common.
  
• Abusers try to isolate you: Abusers want to wear away at your support network. To do this, they may discourage you from being with family and friends or may even initiate conflict with them, causing them to avoid both of you. Abusers will often try to control your access to phones and transportation or will attempt to tell you where you can and cannot go, even going so far as tracking the mileage on your car or asking others to watch you for them. Frequent moves are another way to keep you isolated.
  
• Abusers are very jealous: Your relationships with other people such as friends, co-workers, and even family are threatening to them. They may accuse you of being unfaithful with co-workers or friends or forbid you to see them. Often mistaken for romantic or protective behavior in the initial stages of a relationship, jealousy can later be the justification used for violence.
  
• Abusers try to control your money: Abusers seek to limit your options, including your financial ability to leave. They may encourage you to not work at all, or try to cause trouble for you at work. They may even show up at your job on payday to collect your paycheck. If you are on welfare or other financial assistance, they may threaten to report you to the welfare services or other authorities if you don't do what they want.
  
• Abusers are verbally or emotionally abusive: Verbal abuse often starts long before any physical battering and is intended to wear away at your self-esteem, says Kabat. Public humiliation (such as calling you stupid or commenting negatively on your appearance in front of others), name-calling, mockery, yelling, blaming, swearing, or making insulting gestures either alone or in front of others are all warning signs of imminent physical abuse. They may use verbal abuse to wear you down in arguments or to make you feel at fault. They may twist your words to put the blame on you. They withhold affection when they don't get their way.
  
• Abusers will mistreat your property or animals: They may throw or break objects when upset. They may shove, kick, or hit animals out of anger or in order to get them to do what they want. Hurting your pets or destroying your property is a way of hurting you.
  
• Abusers don't respect your privacy: They may call at odd hours "just to check in." They may "just show up" at work or other places unannounced to check up on you or refuse to leave when asked. If you continue to ask them to leave, they may embarrass you publicly or make a scene. This behavior is often mistaken as romantic initially, perhaps justified by saying, "I can't be away from you" or "I had to hear your voice."
  
• Abusers are often addicted to drugs or alcohol: Drug and alcohol abuse, while not a direct cause of domestic violence, often goes hand in hand with it, says Kabat. They may blame their violent or abusive behavior on the drug or alcohol use, saying, "I didn't know what I was doing. I was drunk," or "I was high. I don't remember."
  
• Abusers may have a past history of violence: People who commit domestic violence are often violent in general, says Kabat. A past record or history of assault, fighting, or abuse is a sign that they think violence is a way to solve problems. They may have elaborate excuses for these incidents or blame the person they attacked by saying they "had to" or that they "were provoked."

Just think about it before you start making sacrifices for his self esteem.

[Kei Morioka]

As far as what type of abuse goes, he's called me pretty much every name in the book, sometimes in front of his family or other people. He's hung up on me countless times. He's threatened to leave me if I don't do certain things for him. He's acted uncaring for extended periods of time for little to no reason. He's also threatened to physically hurt me on occasion but never has.

[jcster]

Is it worth it then? You wouldn't have posted here if you thought his request was reasonable. Do you want to sign up for more abuse?

[Krytellan]

As far as what type of abuse goes, he's called me pretty much every name in the book, sometimes in front of his family or other people. He's hung up on me countless times. He's threatened to leave me if I don't do certain things for him. He's acted uncaring for extended periods of time for little to no reason. He's also threatened to physically hurt me on occasion but never has.

 

Ooh, where can I get one of these? I hope someday you look back at what you just wrote and question what the hell you were doing.

[Mary3]

As far as what type of abuse goes, he's called me pretty much every name in the book, sometimes in front of his family or other people. He's hung up on me countless times. He's threatened to leave me if I don't do certain things for him. He's acted uncaring for extended periods of time for little to no reason. He's also threatened to physically hurt me on occasion but never has.

 

GET OUT . You've got verbal abuse going on here daily....threats to abandon you ....disrespect....unsocial and unfriendly for extended periods...and threats of physical harm

 

If you stay I PROMISE you he will start hitting you. Now you are in the dilema of getting rid of this LOSER ( Serious LOSER ) and he won't make it easy. He will threaten to kill himself or you.

 

Please contact the Domestic Violence Shelter Immediately. You don't ahve to stay there but just tell the counselors what you are experiencing...Make sure you have some savings...seperate from his....an escape plan ...( he will try to STOP you ) and you need therapy. Classes to learn about the Abuser.

 

This must be done ASAP. Please call the DV hotline tomorrow...

[DateAnalyzer]

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I'd refuse to have male friends in general from now on, because it makes cheating an option. He told me that I may know now that I'd never do anything like that, but that things may change. I may have a guy friend, and then eventually think he's cute, and then end up kissing him or something worse if my boyfriend and I fight or aren't feeling happy towards each other one day. He said that he never gets around girls and refuses to be friends with them for that reason, because mine and his relationship means so much to him that he doesn't even want cheating to be an option. He says that he's going to be around for me if I need him, but due to abuse from him in the past, I have a hard time trusting that things will work this time. He says that I don't need any other guys friends, and that I should be able to give them up if he's enough for me. He says that if I really want this relationship to work that I'll make sacrifices for him, because we've been having problems lately and he thinks it would help with his insecurities.

 

We've been going steady for two years now and there's never been any cheating, but despite what my boyfriend says, I don't want to give up the guy friends I have, and I don't want to shut out possible friendships in the future due to turning away people based on their gender. How I do reassure him that I won't cheat? How do I let him know that I don't want to get rid of my male friends without him feeling like he's not enough for me or that I'm not willing to make sacrifices for our relationship? What are your guys' opinions on this?

 

 

Well why do you need male friends?