Suggestions?!?

[Rayofsunshine]

I posted a thread about my break up in the break up section last week.

 

An overview...

 

Was with my BF for 10 years, last 2 1/2 years we lived together in a house we bought. About 3 months ago we found and engagement ring and put $ on it and started the process of the setting. We waited a little bit because we bought the house and money was a little tight.

 

Anyway about 3 weeks ago he started panicking about bills and realized he was in over his head with credit card debt and wasn't paying the mortgage on time.

 

On June 21st he said that we needed to talk. So we sat down and he started going into detail about the problems he was having and said to me that he thought it would be better if we went our seperate ways to pay off our debt. He didn't want to bring me down finacially like he did to himself. He also said that he couldn't tell me when he was ready to commit because it could take him 2- 5 years to get out of debt. In otherwords he wanted me to move out and we wouldn't be together anymore.

 

I was upset but he seem to have his mind made up so I though that if he cooled down and came to his senses he would see that we would be able to work through this together. Well that never happened and he just got meaner. He wouldn't talk to me, he would come and go and not say anything to me. Finally I started moving things out and completley moved out two weeks later on 7/7/07 (go figure), later on that night I got a call from him to discuss thing that I left there and things he thought he should get back, he was yelling on the phone so I just hung up b/c I knew the conversation wasn't going to go anywhere and the stuff that he was talking about seemed like he was trying to start a fight, example a pizza pan that I took.

 

This past Saturday it has been a week since I moved out or talked to him. I called him Saturday morning to see if he had gotten any mail of mine and what he did about a joint bank account (his money, my name on the account). He wouldn't answer my phone call so finally I left him a message about what I wanted to talk to him about. He called back and gave me a answer and then hung up and I haven't heard from him since. I was suppose to go to his mother's B-day dinner that night but changed my mind after his conversation with me on the phone - didn't want to cause any awkward moments.

 

I just don't understand how we spent 10 years together and he can act like this to me. The break up came out of the blue, I mean I knew he was having some money issues but I tried to work with him on them and got a second job to help out.

 

There are times when I just want to break down and call him and ask him when he is being so mean and doesn't want to talk to me. I have had a real hard time dealing with this. I still love him, but I guess he isn't feeling that way about me. His family is all upset about this as well and they helped me move out and are doing what they can to help.

 

I would try to talk to him about all this and why he was being this way (before I moved out) but he would always come up with different excuses. One minute it was the finacial end then th next minute it was our relationship. He said that we nit picked at each other, or he said that things weren't right for a while but he never said anything about it before and he was the one who started the process for the engagement ring!

 

I need some help. Do I try to talk to him about things, or give him NC and see if he comes around or talks to me? We went through a rough time 5 years ago and we went our seperate ways for 5 months and next thing I knew he was knocking on my door asking me to forgive him and could we have a second chance at our relationship? I said yes and we started dating again. I feel like this time it is the end of the realtionship and we won't be together any more like last time. It kills me to think of him moving on and finding someone new. What should I do?????

 

If anyone has any thoughts or comments on what to do please let me know

[funkybassplayer]

I really dont think there is much you can do. Life can be so cruel sometimes, and you cant belive that things like this really happen, and you think things will make them selves right. Well i hate to say this but sometimes they just dont work out, and things dont improve if your trying to hang on in there. Its really sad that your showing your love and helping him through, but he does'nt want it, and i suspect that its not just the finace that hes splitting over. Its a really hard thing, but it seems that now you really have to start thinking of your life without this guy in it anymore. Your single now, and you have to start looking after you. When my ex broke up with me, i really wanted the contact for the kids(hers) but she got a new fella, and contact was not possible. For a while after i always thought i would hear from her,but never did. Its amazing that 2 people who were so close cant even talk to one another, and stuff like this in life really does happen. It seems sometimes people can just walk away from the other person without even a care, leaving the person left behind hurt, confused, and left to deal with being on thier own and many questions and feelings that only time seems to make better, but with no real end. I know its not sounding great, but this is the truth, but do know that things do get better as long as you look after yourself. Also it helps to be on your own for a bit after the relationship, think of it as middleground that you have to walk accross to get to the other side. Some people try to jump that part and go strait to a new relationship, maybe it works for them, but you do need time to regroup your thoughts. I hope that soon you will find a calmness, i know how this can feel, but be strong.

[tinke]

dear rayo

my heart goes out to you, as i was in a very similar situation. i know how difficult it is trying to find peace with the mystery of his leaving, and adjusting to life without him.

i too, was to be married soon after a 10 yr. relationship. evidently, things became hard for him and someone else caught his eye...off he went.

i was caught up with family obligations(sickness than death), he was feeling unfulfilled(my guess, he didn't communicate). he left for something fresh with absolutely no regard for me or our past relationship. quite honestly, he did not want to hear frm me, and barely send me off with a goodbye...no more than that.

how long has the break-up been?

i still have my bad days (in disbelief), mainly, as you've said that someone can just turn so very cold..total disrespect. as hard as it is, it makes it a little easier to know this is a flaw in THEIR character.

i have to admit, i have many better days than 3 mo. ago, so i feel myself healing and becoming stronger. the thing that hurts most is the disregard.

even a bad relationship deserves some form of respect with a goodbye, closure, reasons.

unfortunately, some simply don't communicate and we are left in disbelief when they walk away. we cannot take responsibility for their lack of words.

never a chance to work on issues, etc.

yes, i agree, it is hard to believe thiongs like this happen. i know of others, but i did not realize my own coming.

please try to take care of yourself....each day brings us in the new habit of being without them. i just have to believe people who do harm, not necessarily by leaving, but by the way in which they depart...will one day feel the pain they have inflicted.

take care...

[Rayofsunshine]

Thank You both for your words of wisdom. I know with time everything heals but it is such a consant struggle between the heart and the head.

 

My head tells me to go on with my life and don't look back. That he could promise me the sun, moon and stars but if it has happened before (twice, the second time much worse) it will happen again and why should I put up with that.

 

But the heart, oh the heart, tells me that you love and care for him and no matter what you will always. That if I gave him one more chance or tried to talk to him about things I could change his mind and he would come back yet again and we could really make things work.

 

I guess right now I need to think with my head and let the heart stay in the back ground for a while.

 

Tinke - We have been broken up since June 21st but for two weeks we still lived together. I wasn't able to move out till July 7th. So it has been a week with out seeing him or really talking to him.

 

I think that has been the hard part because I didn't really believe it could be over while were still living together but now with moving out it has really hit home. He kept telling me while I was still there that there was no emotion involved on his part, that this is something that must be done for him. Looking back on it now I can see how selfish that statement is and I guess that is how he justifys what he did and feels no guilt about it.

[tinke]

mine too, stated that he was no longer emotionally connected. i have to agree with you that looking back and repeating the situation to myself, the reasons, etc. are very selfish. no commitment, etc.

it is as though i do not know this person at all, and honestly, very displeased at the immaturity and disregard. i know it is always easier to give advice...aometimes we are just too close to the situation to see clearly.

you hit it when you said why would you want him back when he has hurt you before.

looking back, i myself, should have seen that capability to so non-chalantly hurt me, disrespect me as a huge waving red flag (yes, he had done this before). but like you, i thought no, give it another chance.

well, what i have learned is this: it doesn't matter at all the reasons why...what matters is that once that line is crossed with disrespect, if fuels it to happen again and again until he can dismiss the thought of you to the point that you are annoying with out batting an eye. no thought to the yrs., sacrafices, etc. just...no, i'm not "into this" anymore, so goodbye.

think about this: as you are going through your own wave of emotions, do you feel as though you know these emotions already...been there before with him? had been hurt before? that is one of the things that keeps me from phoning him..wait a minute...he's done this before..why wouldn't he get bored and do it again.

i guess, ask yourself..did he sit down and speak of his disinterest beforehand, really give you both a chance to correct things? or was it just, ok you are not interesting anymore, goodbye. so, if the disrespect was already present where he can callously discard your relationship WHAT would prevent him from repeating this behavior? he did not demonstrate any willingness to change, did he? and yes, the changes must be from both. unfortunately, it may be easier for some to just run and start anew...after all, they probably don't see themselves carrying any fault.

your's is still very new, i am sure it feels surreal to you and you are trying to make sense of what happened. 3 mo. later, things are easier for the most part, but, i have learned i will never be able to understand, nor piece what happened. why? because i did not make the change, i was left with no explanation, no choice. sounds as though you are in the same situation.

please believe, it will become easier. i am sure you cannot fathom that at this point, but it will. at first, i recall being physically ill, no sleep, lack of appetite, etc. not as intense at this point, and at times i can truly begin to see another side to him, an unappealing side.

i do know, even in the worst of relationships, i could not see me tossing someone aside without considering their feelings, at least apologizing for shattering their plans, etc. it amazes me how very selfish some can be, particularly when the have found someone new...very childish.

please remember all your admirable traits, and , that it is a loss to him also.

in my good moments, i do realize anyone who can calmly disregard 10 yrs. of commitment as if it was nothing, truly is not a prize.

again, it would be different if he talked with you first, and if he still decided to leave, at least do it with dignity and respect for you.

take care

[Rayofsunshine]

I definatley have felt these emotions before from him. He has disrespected me before and I think he thinks that he can keep doing it because I will still be there for him no matter what.

 

Just like the last time when he walked away because he freaked in the relationship and wasn't able to go to the next level. We had NC for a couple of months (about 4 months) and then he showed up at my door.

 

He only sat down to talk to me once his mind was made up about the relationship. There was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. There wasn't even a chance to make changes or things better, but then again I don't know what i could have done if i didn't know what was wrong.

 

He ended the relationship because of the finacial stresses we were facing (mostly his due to outrageous credit card bills), but he came up with different excuses as time went on. He went from blaming the finacial to blaming things in our relationship. When i asked what was wrong - he couldn't give me any specific answers. It really shows his immaturity, selfishness and disregard for me.

[tinke]

have we dated the same man??? many similarities!!!! it makes me feel better, because i can at least feel that this is a type of person...non-comminicative, self-absorbed, etc. i think we become hooked and comfortable in the the sameness in our lives. but, now, there are moments i can look back and say..how dare he disregard me, it was MY time invested in this also. do you feel the same?

mine too, gave me superficial reasons why the relationship was over, commenting on my negatives. when i asked him...do you feel any responsibility in this? his reply was a very matter-of-fact, LIKE WHAT?

unbelievable! sounds as though you, too, have experienced this.

let me point out, my ex is not a young man, so age does not help the situation. yes, i am sure i contibuted, but at least i can say i did, and willing to talk about things and help correct them. as you had said..there was never the option to do this.

are you sure your ex is not interested in someone else? sorry to ask this, but, from my personal experiences, those sudden break-ups with skimpy reasons, tells me that something has caught his attention..and looking for justification. those little things he accused you of, why didn't it matter for the 10 yrs., only now? the reason i ask, is because it may help to make sense of it. also, when they already have other interests, it helps to keep from calling, etc. let the new friend find things out for themselves!!!

i have to believe this pattern will repeat itself!

[funkybassplayer]

I really think that when a relationship is at that stage, its time to walk away, and heal, then move on. My ex had many issues like she refused to divorce her hubby, yet would have let me sell my house to buy him out and stuff, and she needed to go clubing basically to get chatted up (she liked men to do this and would happily respond to them althogh she said it was the dancing side she liked) She never let me go with. She would leave her 3 lost kids at home, and she was in general very selfish, in that everything had to be on her terms. This caused me to move away from her bothe phyically and emotionaly as she was showing little commitment to me or the relationship. I guess what im saying is that at the time, we would stick by our exs through anything, by now i should have walked away long ago, as it is in the persons nature to be like this, and there is very little that will change them. They quickly move to the next guy to offload on. And in there eyes, the ex is in the way of thier new game plan, so its easy for them to disregard us. The best thing for you (and its plain that you giving him another chance is not gonna happen cos he dont want it, and he walked from you) is to try and heal, and stay away from contact (i suspect that he doe not want it anyway) and look at making yourself better. Let the emotions come through, go out when you want to and not just to keep busy, b/c this can make you feel worse. Go to the gym maybe, drink lots of water, not alcahol, any weight loss? use it, tone up. I lost 1.5 stone, and feel good for it, as i used it to tone up. Be strong, and things will start to turn your way, and you will start to move forward.

[Rayofsunshine]

tinke - I do feel the same as you. I invested time into this relationship and how dare he look at it as nothing. It is a shame to think that there are so many people out there that act and think this way. I don't think that there was another person, if there was he did a good job of hiding it. He was always home every night and there wouldn't be any mystery phone calls. Before the break up we always did stuff together or would be in the same room. I know that he said he was talking to some of his fellow co-workers about the situation. He said that he did this because he had nobody to talk too. He felt like everyone was against him, even his own family. I admit his family was very angry for what he did and they still are to an extent. His father kept telling him that he was rushing into this decision and that he should sit back and deal with one issue at a time not everything at once. One good thing is that I moved out and I don't have to sit in that house or look at it everyday and remember the memories, like he has too.

 

funkybassplayer - I agree with you about walking away and taking time to heal and eventually I will move on. I have started to go to the gym again and it feels great to get up on the treadmill and just go. For that moment I don't think about anything else but getting fit and "fixing" me.

[tinke]

R.O.S.

how are you doing today? any new thoughts?

hang in there!

[Rayofsunshine]

tinke,

 

I guess I am doing as good as I can right now. It's still hard to deal with things. One minute I am fine and the next it all comes flooding back.

 

Unfortuantley I had to call him yesterday. The electric bill was forwarded to my new address (the electric and gas were in my name and we switched them into his name right before I left). It was the amount due from the last bill to when we switched it over. Well on the bill it said I still owed a balance from the previous bill (which he was suppose to take care of). So I had to call him about it, he was decent with me, no attitude at all and he said to forward the bill to him that he would take care of it and he paid the last bill as well. Then he asked if i was receiving any of his mail because he hasn't gotten any since I left. I told him I wasn't and he asked me to keep an eye out for any if it comes my way and then we hung up. No converstation of us or anything, just business. Of course I didn't really want to talk about us right now because I didn't want to get upset on the phone with him.

 

It is such a constant struggle of emotions!