dbtmarley Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I would like some opinions on an issue I am having with my oldest daughter. She is 16 years old and we shared a very close bond for much of her life. Her mother and I divorced when she was 2 and I have always been a big part of her life. Her mother has primary custody and I was given certain days, holidays, half summers, half Christmas break, every other birthday, and every other weekend as my visitation rights. I remarried and was married to my second wife for 10 years. My daughter and her were very close. When my daughter was 8 her mother moved to a city 4 hrs away. My visitation changed to spring breaks, Christmas breaks, and Summer.. all of which we enjoyed together as a family. My second wife and I had a daughter who is now 6. We divorced about 3 years ago. This upset my oldest daughter a lot. I still allowed her to see my second ex when ever she wanted and my ex still played a very big role in her life. It is a benefit because both my daughters get to see each other often. Two years ago I got very sick and at the time I could not work. I started missing child support payments up until 8 months ago, when my health got better. Before all that I paid religiously. It was during this time that my first ex and my communications became somewhat strained. I couldn't tell her exactly what the health issue was because it had a lot of stigma attached and to be honest I was embarrassed. I also did not want my oldest to know her daddy might die, well I thought I might at the time. I almost lost everything during this time and had to go through a lot of liquidation of property and possessions just to get by. I ended up buying a house in the same city where my oldest lived. I just wanted to be closer to her. It's all backfired!! I have never been farther away from her as I am now and I am right around the corner. My health improved and I started working thus enabling me to pay my child support. My first ex got very scared when I moved into the area because my daughter started asking her if she could live with me. In no way have I ever under minded anything in way of her mother's wishes. I cannot say the same for her though in regards to me. During some court proceedings my health issue became known. She told my daughter. During the time I was sick my daughter would not even come to see me. Since getting better she still won't talk to me. She is even spending the summer with my second ex wife. I do not know how to handle this.. I even find myself bitter some times. It can't be the child support because I have been paying that again for the last 8 months including extra for the arrears.. I just do not get it. We were so close, she was my little shadow!! I have always been a very understanding daddy, but I am having difficulty comprehending this. I talked to her once 1 month ago before fathers day. I told her I missed her and loved her. She has not returned my phone calls or talked to me since... and is now with my 2nd ex wife visiting. My friends tell me it is just that teenage thing, but I don't think so. People tell me I have not done anything to feel guilty about, but that certainly does not help. What I want to know is how to I stop feeling badly about this. How do I stop thinking about this. I am becoming bitter about this. I keep having visions of myself being that father in Angel Eyes the movie. The one who would not speak to his daughter when she got older and realized her mistakes... What can I say... or how should I think? This is a rambling mess I know... Whoever can make sense of it kudos to you... Thomas
laRubiaBonita Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 well it hard to say what the deal with her is... true she is 16 and that may have some factor in her actions. she is probably a mature 16 year old too- going on 30. she may feel you lied to her by not telling her the truth about somethings, even though you are the father and an adult. maybe mom and ex#2 are telling her bad things about you. have you specifically asked her why she is giving you a cold shoulder?
quankanne Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 do you think someone's been putting nonsense into her head about your health condition, and she's caught in the middle of it, so she just chooses to bury her head rather than speak directly to you about it & other matters? She might be using it as an excuse to avoid what she perceives as rejection, especially if there's a chance you could pass away from this condition. Better to steel her heart now against the pain, than suffer through it later … kids don't have the wisdom that comes with the mistakes/decisions we make as we mature into adults, so she only sees it one way.
Author dbtmarley Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Quank, There are a lot of things I have thought it could be. I have wanted to sit her down and talk to her, but the opportunity just has not been there. I have invited her over, told her to come by when she wants, told her to call me when she has the time, made plans which she would back out of.... It is very frustrating. I even told her how much I would like to see her... I admit we have even argued some what over the issue. She has told me if I want to see her it should not matter if her mother is there, basically meaning I have to visit her at her mother's. Her mother and I do not get along at all. The whole thing with my daughter initially wanting to live with me has caused my ex to really have ill feelings towards me. I don't think I am able to even describe this situation in it's entirety without sounding like someone with something to hide. This whole thing just seems so unnatural to me. I keep thinking it has got to be something I did that has caused this. She did not even call me on father's day... If I give up I keep thinking then she will think I don't care. If I keep on trying I feel like I am bothering her... geez!
Mr. Lucky Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 I think it might be simply a residue of your two divorces. It's not just the disolution of a marriage but also a tearing apart of a family, and, as your daughter was close to your 2nd wife, she's been through the wringer twice. Right or wrong, she may blame you... Mr. Lucky
anna13 Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 maybe write her a long letter , detailing what happened , what you went through , how much she means to you and how much you miss her . and mail it to her or have your second ex give it to her by hand just to know she got it . that way you will have said everything you need to and then you can wait for her to respond . i think that is the best you can do right now . 16 is a tough age I know cause i have a 16 year old son . they can be stubborn and selfish . no matter what she will speak to you again . just not as soon as you may hope for. I think just write the letter and then just try to live. I am sure she will come around later.
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