burning 4 revenge Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I think it's in bad taste. I've done this kind of stuff and it's not something to feel proud of.
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. As long as I knew that it was just for play and that it wouldn't be taken a step further (out in real life) I'd have no problem with it. But I realize that I'm kind of in the minority on that one. And I do understand how it would bother someone. And I do think the OP has a right to expect it to stop if it bothers her this much. Now all you have to do is see if he cares enough to stop doing something that bothers you so much...no matter what that is.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. As long as I knew that it was just for play and that it wouldn't be taken a step further (out in real life) I'd have no problem with it. But I realize that I'm kind of in the minority on that one. And I do understand how it would bother someone. I still think it's disrespectful unless both people in the relationship feel it's harmless. Maybe it's harmless, but it's still disrespctful I think if that makes any sense
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I still think it's disrespectful unless both people in the relationship feel it's harmless. Maybe it's harmless, but it's still disrespctful I think if that makes any sense I agree. I've already said as much. It it bothers the other person, then it's disrespectful to continue it after they've expressed their dissatisfaction about it.
oppath Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Well Touche, would it bother you for your partner to be in extended contact with someone in a sexual manner and that person NOT KNOW you existed? I'm not judging you, I'm just curious. One thing we do agree on is that this behavior obviously hurts his gf, so he should stop it, because if he does not stop it, it means he does not value and respect her. So yay!! We are in agreement.
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Well Touche, would it bother you for your partner to be in extended contact with someone in a sexual manner and that person NOT KNOW you existed? I swear it wouldn't. It wouldn't matter to me whether they knew about me or not. It would only be online fantasy. Why would I care as long as it went no further. I guess I'm pretty secure in this one area. One thing we do agree on is that this behavior obviously hurts his gf, so he should stop it, because if he does not stop it, it means he does not value and respect her. So yay!! We are in agreement. Yes of course we agree here. As I said ANY behavior (within reason) that bothers the other person so much should be curbed/stopped. That's just the considerate thing to do for your partner. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes but it's what we do about those mistakes that matters.
Mary3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Tips : He minimizes the screen when you are present. He talks at 3:00 am when he knows you are asleep. He is really * worked up * and expects sex after getting off the computer... Plans to meet or has met this person. Your name is rarely mentioned ..to the other person.
oppath Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Well I would want to make one thing clear...if someone disagrees with your beliefs and attitude, it does not make them INSECURE, just because you are secure with it. If someone's values are that such behavior is wrong and inappropriate, they are secure in those values. To me, the issue would be "for what reasons do you need to engage in online fantasy?" And as I expressed earlier, I want to feel visible in my relationships, so that means once we are exclusive, I want my gf to tell everyone in her life about me. It is a tricky issue for me because my last gf wouldn't tell her ex of 5 years that she was in a new relationship because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. He'd basically be flying into town to see her and I would say nothing more than "If you are going to be friends, I want you to tell him about me." Ultimately, he did ask for her back, she became distant as a result, she didn't tell me about it, I pushed, she was uncooperative, so I pushed more, and it led to the breakup. I realized after why I was so troubled: because I felt invisible. I understand not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, but visibility is big for me. I didn't realize it at the time, and when I think back to other relationships, the lack of visibility ultimately made me upset and me ending the relationship. I respect the security of your feelings, I just want to assert that it didn't make me insecure to want my gf to tell her ex about me. I wanted to feel visible, because to me visibility equates to respect and passion. Hiding me, in my opinion, even if she would not cheat, was emotional infidelity for the very reason that I was hidden, and that did not match with expressions of love from her. But we'd be in agreement there too; what I was asking wasn't too much. Your perspective intrigues me; for the OP, I feel your opinions come down to one thing...why the need for this other fantasy? You say you wouldn't mind, it would just be fantasy, but I suspect you'd want to understand what that fantasy was?
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 He could be totally happy with you and still cheats... It is quite common actually... He might not have been physically involved with her but he was emotionally and/or mentally. I used to chat a lot on the Internet, a few years ago, and I chatted with this MM for a few months.. anyway, we had cybersex and after a few weeks, he said he wanted to meet me... I never wanted to meet him in person though... we never did but IMO, most of the time it eventually leads to a meeting... If you need a proof..then by all means, get one. I doubt you truly know this guy inside out. You might find out not so pleasant stuff about him... but might as well find them now...right?
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 I really appreciate everybody taking time to read through my dilemma and respond. To Mary3: I agree that he is being extremely disrespectful and he is bored and lying to me. And, it is very likely that he might talk dirty to her. I will find out soon if he would have any intention of meeting her, because she sent him an email asking him. She lives out of state, but said she was coming into town....so, if he bites...I'll know that I'm dealing with an even bigger issue. To Touche: I know that you don't consider it cheating..and I can see your point of view..but, you are also right in saying that if it hurts me, he should stop. So, once I address this with him...we'll see what happens. To riobikini: You are absolutely right...he is most likely doing things that he wouldn't normally do under any other circumstances, but how in the world am I supposed to know?? I would never do this NO MATTER WHAT..because I have love and respect for him. To oppath: You are absolutely right...even if he never has an intention of meeting her, he is being dishonest and disrespecful of me and our relationship. It hurts so much that he is "hiding" me and I am always so proud to tell everyone in my life about him. I would never keep him a secret to anyone. To burning4 revenge: I think that he IS probably ashamed of what he is doing and when I confront him with it...I plan on being very calm and just try to talk to him about it. I know that I will get very emotional and I'm hoping that he will break down and explain to me what is going on with him. I know it might sound horrible to most of you....but, I do plan on hearing him out on this. Everyone here does not know every single thing about our relationship....and, although I will not stay in a destructive or self-effacing relationship...I will hear what he has to say and see if he needs help. Again...thanks for everything guys! We'll know more soon...I'll keep everyone updated with what happens!!
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Yes, let us know and good luck, Chasing. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. To OP: Just because I said I was secure in this area doesn't mean I was calling anyone INSECURE. You jumped to the wrong conclusion on that. As I've stated, you and Chasing, have every right to be bothered by this. I understand. I do. And I realize that I'm in the minority by saying that it wouldn't bother me. I know I don't see this the same way as most people. I know that now (since coming to LS), anyway. My views on this are kind of what brought me here to this site in the first place. As to your other questions about "Why the fantasy, etc." maybe you should start another thread on that. It's quite complex and I wouldn't want to hijack Chasing's thread to explore all of that.
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 HAHAHA...Thanks Touche...."hijacking my thread"....that made me laugh....I need a good laugh right now! I can't tell all of you how much this means to me....All of you are very sweet to respond.
Mary3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Chasing Happiness : I admire you tremendously for being strong and investigating ....Such a VALUABLE thing to do : Trusting your instincts and checking this out further....I am very intriqued about whether your bf will tell this girl that if he wants to MEET her. ...We shall see... Some might say you should not check up on him but I say if there are blatant CLUES and its really bugging you and if it were me I might do the same.... You have the RIGHT to fidelity and trust. Its a shame he had to post this profile. But better to know now than much later. I think if he says " yes " then your bigger problem is that how many others might he be saying that to ??? A virtual smorgasboard of women on the internet while he claims to be 25 and single... This may well be the tip of the iceberg ! You can bet if he spends a great deal of time on there he looks at profiles and clicks that he wants to be friends with attractive women who unknowingly think he is single. I have a profile but I don't do a search ...I get lots of requests ! hehe.... It happened to me too. 3 men claimed to be single but their WIVES called me ! ( Thankfully I had not met them yet )
Touche Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Mary, interesting post but I was just curious about this last little nugget. It happened to me too. 3 men claimed to be single but their WIVES called me ! ( Thankfully I had not met them yet ) What do you mean by you haven't met them "yet?" You mean you're still considering it?
Mary3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Mary, interesting post but I was just curious about this last little nugget. What do you mean by you haven't met them "yet?" You mean you're still considering it? No~~0Oooo lol ~ ~! This was about 2 years ago when I blindly believed and trusted in the Internet that these men were Single. I would get a : "Hey I'm coming into town ~ let me have your number and I will call you when I arrive "... Well I guess their wives checked their phones and dialed me ~~...I was shocked to say the least and then pissed. I would go check their profiles and it would say * single * grrr....hehe.. Which since then on the Internet some have no pictures and I ask why no pic and they say " They are married....yikes....so its still happening with men who want extra fun on the side...
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Mary3: Thank you for the compliment on being strong...and everyone must know that I'm not a snoopy, "dig-into-personal-stuff" sort of person. I am very very trusting person and this blind trust is what gets me in trouble. But, I will tell you all this....No matter if he does go to far and we don't survive this dilemma, I will not become cynical and jaded. I am very happy with the way I trust people and believe them to be good and honest.....Until they prove me wrong. I know some might shut themselves off after something like this happens, but I feel it only makes me stronger and I will learn and grow from it. And, Mary...you're right...If he says,"Yes, I want to meet."....I'm not sure what the next step is. Because we just got a house (renting), I wouldn't know how I would pay for it....But, my happiness is more important than bills....Thanks!
Mary3 Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 Mary3: Thank you for the compliment on being strong...and everyone must know that I'm not a snoopy, "dig-into-personal-stuff" sort of person. I am very very trusting person and this blind trust is what gets me in trouble. But, I will tell you all this....No matter if he does go to far and we don't survive this dilemma, I will not become cynical and jaded. I am very happy with the way I trust people and believe them to be good and honest.....Until they prove me wrong. I know some might shut themselves off after something like this happens, but I feel it only makes me stronger and I will learn and grow from it. And, Mary...you're right...If he says,"Yes, I want to meet."....I'm not sure what the next step is. Because we just got a house (renting), I wouldn't know how I would pay for it....But, my happiness is more important than bills....Thanks! Wow, I could have wrote this post ! I am a very trusting person too and have not been the type to go through phones , wallets or emails. * But * if something is happening...and it was....I had to get answers because he was not telling me the truth. * Then * the distrust developed. I trust first upfront. Exactly like you
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Still waiting to hear....the girl told me that he hasn't emailed her back yet and hasn't been online. I'm not sure if it scared him that she told him she was coming into town...and he thought that he was safe just chatting online. I'm so happy with him and I just hope that he tells her no thanks. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait to talk to him about this...it's eating me up inside....but, I really feel like I need to know that answer. It will make the biggest difference in the world.....Thanks again guys!
Mary3 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Still waiting to hear....the girl told me that he hasn't emailed her back yet and hasn't been online. I'm not sure if it scared him that she told him she was coming into town...and he thought that he was safe just chatting online. I'm so happy with him and I just hope that he tells her no thanks. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait to talk to him about this...it's eating me up inside....but, I really feel like I need to know that answer. It will make the biggest difference in the world.....Thanks again guys! We all hope he doesn't meet her too.... But it seems this is just a bandaid on a bigger wound with him. There could be more women he is talking to .... Not to hurt you but to prepare you but : that the odds she's the * only * one he ever talked to on the computer (that thought he was single)...well the odds are like it snowing on the sun... This could be your golden opportunity to delve deeper and decide if this man is someone you can trust . A good relationship has trust , communication and respect. If he indeed was talking to her and contemplating meeting her then there is no trust, definately no respect for you and to hide this from you there is no communication. On the other hand he could be a troll and just likes to stare at pretty girls on the internet but he crossed the line by getting phone numbers..... The other disturbing thing is that he lists himself as single and even moreso his age is deducted by 15 years. This sounds like someone who is bored and wants some side action. I hope everything goes well for you but if you only listen to his side and he placates you into believing he would not do something like that just to assauge your hurt then that leaves you open to someone who will NOW do it a little more carefully. Likely closing his profile , opening a new one with a fake pic or no pic and continue doing this . Please be prepared for the later...
soulseeker Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I guess I dont know if you have confronted him or not (sorry I have not read every post in detail), but I wanted to just comment about my experience with this kind of thing. One of my exes was like this. He was not talking to an underage girl, that I knew of, but would look at "barely legal porn." I am not going to judge his actions in that regard, but he knew I hated it, yet kept doing it. I dont think a partner should change everything about themselves to suite you, rather, I think if there is something inherent to their personality that is in serious conflict to your point of view and bothers you a lot, and in all likelihood will not change, you need to let go of that person. It simply is not worth it. You cannot change someone. Little things dont matter, but something like this is part of the core that makes up a romantic relationship. Dont be fooled into thinking that most men are like this, or look at porn, or need to have outside emotional connections with other women...they dont. Just like not all women need this. And it seems that the ones that do are just bored in general...and it is not your job to make sure he isnt bored. It's enough work in life to make sure that you are not bored yourself. This is an open window into his character that I suggest you take a good look into. This is a big area for lots of room for trouble and discord if there is not compatibility. Dont waste your time. Good luck.
Mary3 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I guess I dont know if you have confronted him or not (sorry I have not read every post in detail), but I wanted to just comment about my experience with this kind of thing. One of my exes was like this. He was not talking to an underage girl, that I knew of, but would look at "barely legal porn." I am not going to judge his actions in that regard, but he knew I hated it, yet kept doing it. I dont think a partner should change everything about themselves to suite you, rather, I think if there is something inherent to their personality that is in serious conflict to your point of view and bothers you a lot, and in all likelihood will not change, you need to let go of that person. It simply is not worth it. You cannot change someone. Little things dont matter, but something like this is part of the core that makes up a romantic relationship. Dont be fooled into thinking that most men are like this, or look at porn, or need to have outside emotional connections with other women...they dont. Just like not all women need this. And it seems that the ones that do are just bored in general...and it is not your job to make sure he isnt bored. It's enough work in life to make sure that you are not bored yourself. This is an open window into his character that I suggest you take a good look into. This is a big area for lots of room for trouble and discord if there is not compatibility. Dont waste your time. Good luck. Beautifully spoken !
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Yes...both of you are so right on so many points. And...I will be making some very big decisions about this. It's hard sometimes to use your head when your heart is breaking. Like I said before...I don't know how this will turn out. And...I'm sure you're right Mary...I'm almost positive that he has most likely talked to other girls....And..that is completely disrespecful. I feel that I've been placed in a very sticky situation with our new house and everything...I just don't know....I'll keep everyone updated...WHAT A MESS!
soulseeker Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 Chasinghappiness... I know it is tough and very painful, but if you feel this isnt a good relationship for you, then you already know what you need to do. No need to feel badly about it, and no need to get further intwined into it if you already know it isnt going to work. TRUST ME...six months after I got out of the relationship I spoke of and I am the HAPPIEST I have EVER been in my life...I am not bsing here either. For about 4 months post breakup I still had pangs of wanting to get back together with him. What worked for me was not talking to him AT ALL, and I mean at all. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, no stalking, nothing, from day one. It has been nearly a year, and a few months ago I met a person that is just so damn amazing. I cant imagine the possibility that I might have missed out meeting him bc I was miserable in a $hitty relationship. Gah!!! And I knew from very early on that the ex was indeed not the man for me, but for some reason I wasnt strong enough to stop making excuses about him to myself. Like, "maybe he'll change," or "he's not working so it must be hard on him." But you know what, get a f***ing job if it is so hard and depressing to be umemployed. Again, these things speak VOLUMES about a person's character. Chin up.
luvmy2ns Posted July 21, 2007 Posted July 21, 2007 OMG! Except for the age (my ex is currently 37), your BF sounds EXACTLY like my ex! I caught him doing the internet dating site thing, talking to girls and stuff. Now, I'm no prude. I would have no problem with viewing porn or whatever, but talking to REAL people? NO F'ING WAY! I'M the real girl you're supposed to be talking to - especially in THAT way. I confronted him immediately, and he was all contrite and said he was just "messing around" and never planned to meet any of these women. Well, I wasted five years of my life with the sneaky, cheating POS before I finally decided he was never going to change and was never going to give me the respect I deserved. Out the door, MF! I would strongly suggest installing an invisible spy program on your computer. There's a great one called WebPI on download.com. It's free for the first month, and only $25 if you want to keep it. It takes a snapshot of the entire screen every 5, 10, or 15 seconds - however you set it. It begins upon startup so even if he restarts the computer, it begins to work immediately - on the sly. There's no indication of it anywhere in the computer, but you know how to find the snapshots and view them - AND you need a password to do so. Watch the liar for awhile. He may be good for a bit, but do not be fooled. He'll most likely do it again. And make him get a job - set a deadline. He has no right to be picky. Money has got to come in. He can look for a better job while he's working. It's not your job to feed him while he has cyber sex with young women on the net. Sorry to be so blunt. But "been there, done that." Good luck hon.
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks for your candor luvmy2ns. I had never heard of that program, but it's a great idea. And, whereas I'm sure that a lot of people would say.."Just leave."...I do want to see what happens. Perhaps it sounds a bit like I'm needlessly torturing myself, but there's so much more to my story than just a "guy who is chatting with girls". I want the whole story and I intend to talk to him this week...I just can't wait any longer. He still hasn't emailed the girl or been online chatting...(not to say that he's done with it)...but, once we have our talk...I'll know what I'm going to do.
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