chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Well, I'm not sure what to think....My boyfriend (of 6 months) and I have lived together for 5 months. (yes, we moved fast). We just got a house and have "officially" moved in together just yesterday. The other night, I'm checking my email and stuff on our laptop computer and I pull up myspace and find that the last person logged on was "Samantha..." and I asked him what that was about. At first, he acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about...then, just said,"Oh..it's an old login that a friend had that I use sometimes to check myspace since I don't have a profile" He truly doesn't have a profile, but I didn't understand why he would hesitate and I felt lied to. Well, my curiosity got the better of me and I searched for that person and sent them a message. I told them that they might want to change their password because someone might be logging onto their account without them knowing it. Long story short....this girl said that she gave my boyfriend her login information because they had been chatting on yahoo messenger. He told her that he was single and was apparently being pretty nasty talking with her. And..got her number.(not in his phone..I looked) Now, you must know that my boyfriend has been unemployed for 6 months now and I know he gets bored, but that is NO excuse for chatting with someone and telling people that he is single!! Oh...wanna hear the best part? He is 41....the girl he was chatting with.....18 YEARS OLD! I'm dating a pervert! I just don't know what to think...I'm so confused and I know that my boyfriend is a good person....this is his ONE BIG FLAW...and...if he goes to counseling or something...maybe he'll better. I'm 28 years old and I know that he prefers younger women...but 18!!! I know from his past that he's not a cheater (physically)...but, is chatting cheating too? I am 99.999% sure that he would NEVER act on anything....but how can I trust him? Any help???
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I'm so confused and I know that my boyfriend is a good person....this is his ONE BIG FLAW...and...if he goes to counseling or something...maybe he'll better. That's a pretty big flaw. That combined with the rapid committment and moving in with each other is another problem. And...he's been unemployed for 6 MONTHS?! Was he unemployed when you met him? Who's paying for the apartment?
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 He was gainfully employed when we met and lost his job after we had been dating for just a few weeks. He's not lazy, but it waiting for a certain type of job...but, as the time goes by...He's getting less and less picky...THANK GOODNESS! I don't necessarily think that moving in with each other is a problem...if we are soulmates..(as I thought we might be)....and he has a fat bank accounts that is his cushion while looking for a job. But, it is getting old getting up every morning and leaving the house while he is fast asleep in bed. He paid for the apartment every month and then last month, we split it. For the house...the lease is under my name and I paid the entire deposit amount and the first month's rent. We will be splitting it from now on. And, he will begin paying for most of the bills to make up for a lot of that...once he begins working again...
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Ok, that sounds better. For some guys - the chatting with women, especially young ones, is an obsession. I don't know if it means that he's unhappy with you, or cheating, but it's more powerful than porn. The fact that he's gone past chatting and is using this girl's MySpace Login is troubling. Do you know what he's using it for? Is he chatting with other women using her account? I think it's time to confront him and hear what he has to say.
dbtmarley Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Well if that ain't cheatin then it sure is close to cheatin in my book, peace out!!!!
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 I honestly don't think he is unhappy with me. I think he is unhappy with himself. He is in a depression because of losing time with his son because of his divorce. He is seeing a professional because of it...but, it still not completely over it. He tells me all the time that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and how amazing and beautiful I am....I have to say...I think I'm quite a catch. I am educated, have a great job at an investment firm, speak numerous languages, graduated from culinary school, the list goes on and on. I'm not trying to blow my own horn here....but, I love him and am great to him.....I just don't see why he has to go elsewhere? I honestly don't know why he was using her login. This might sound bad....but, the girl is going to try to chat with him again and get him to answer certain questions. I told her that I wanted written proof of his own words. She's going to email it to me when they chat. With that in hand....I'll have a more powerful argument on my side. He's good at talking his way out of situations....I'd like to see him talk his way out of that one!
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I can see why you might want to do that, but I think it's a bad idea. Right now, you have a situation - he's chatting with these girls behind your back, and you're talking to one of the girls he's chatted with. He's going to be upset enough that you've found out his "dirty little secret." Is it going to help if you work with this girl and let him dig the hole any deeper? Don't you feel like you have enough ammo now?
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Well, I know it might sound that way. But, what I have now is the proof that he lied to me about logging on to myspace and how he got that account information. And, it's pretty much just her word. I mean...the things she knows about him are specific and I've seen his yahoo profile which shows "Status: Single" and I've printed that out. I HATE that it's come to this....this isn't the type of person that I am...I don't print things out for proof...I just don't know what else to do. With his words....I will know for sure what is going on. I need to know if he would be tempted to go further....I honestly don't think it goes any further than chatting....but, I have to know.
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I understand....good luck. Please let us know what happens! I think it's great that this girl is helping you out this way.
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Yes, this girl was very upset for me and said that she would help me in any way. She was mad that he lied to her too. He told her he was 25 years old and single! I'll keep you updated and hopefully.......it is something that he can get help for....because, honestly...this is truly one of his only flaws...although..it is a very big one.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 OP, if this were a marriage numbered in years, it's worthwhile to do this, for the courts. Since it's been only six months, why not just walk away? You've got more than enough proof that your b/f is messing around with a young girl. Save yourself worse grief of awaiting the proof and having to read through incriminating, intimate text. Hold your head up and walk away.
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 You're probably right. For some reason....I just have to see it for myself. And...I'm sure that it will only hurt me more. And, I should probably just walk away and not waste another day with somebody that doesn't think I'm enough for him.....I'm not sure why, but I can't walk away. If I were reading this post from somebody else, I would shake my head in disbelief and say.."GET OUT!"....but...I can't explain it. I guess I just want to believe in him....I know he's not a terrible person. He is going through the roughest time in his life right now....and I'm way to naive and trusting to just give up. We'll see what happens.....thank you.
Touche Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 To me this is nothing but fantasy and it's all meaningless. What I would pay close attention to is whether he ever has any intentions of meeting her, or anyone else, behind your back. The rest, as far as I'm concerned, means nothing.
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 That's just it. I honestly don't think he ever would! He's not a cheater..."physically"....but, it still bothers me that he would say certain things to somebody and say that he doesn't have a girlfriend. That's the reason I asked the girl to say that she was coming into town next week and ask if they could meet up. If he says "yes"....then, I'll know for sure.
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 People do strange and destructive things when they are depressed. This could be one of those things. But, you really need to make sure that he's open and honest with you about what's going on, because trust is a very difficult thing to rebuild once it's broken.
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 That's exactly what I've told him. I understand that his depression makes him act out or do things that he normally wouldn't do....and the reason he is going to a doctor is because I asked him. He told me that he would do anything for me to make me happy because I mean the world to him. He says I make him happier than anyone ever has....that I support him and help him keep positive thoughts. I'm a very positive and optimistic person, and that's why I'm hoping that this "chat issue" is just a way of him crying out....who knows. But, you're right....trust is tough to rebuild....but, I honestly think that once I confront him with this....He will do whatever is necessary to rebuild it....and keep me from leaving. We'll see...
Touche Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 That's just it. I honestly don't think he ever would! He's not a cheater..."physically"....but, it still bothers me that he would say certain things to somebody and say that he doesn't have a girlfriend. That's the reason I asked the girl to say that she was coming into town next week and ask if they could meet up. If he says "yes"....then, I'll know for sure. I agree with jc. I think this has to do with making himself feel good for now. It certainly doesn't necessarily mean that he's a cheater. I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Just keep your eyes open. If he agrees to meet up with her, then I'd absolutely cut my losses.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 The question is, how badly do you want to keep him and how much disrespect are you willing to put up with? Cheating is all about self-esteem. Will the future bring more or worse moments of self-esteem issues?
Author chasinghappiness Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 I understand everyone's point of view here....and because of knowing him very deeply....and knowing everything that he's been through in the past 2 years....I will give him the benefit of the doubt. And...Trialbyfire...I completely respect and will listen to what you are saying because I understand what you mean. If this is something that I think will continue and not stop immediately....or, if I do not feel as if I can trust him...I will cut my losses....because I do deserve better than that.
Mary3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 To me this is nothing but fantasy and it's all meaningless. What I would pay close attention to is whether he ever has any intentions of meeting her, or anyone else, behind your back. The rest, as far as I'm concerned, means nothing. I respectfully disagree with this : You have an unemployed bored man who is lying about his age by 15 years to an 18 year who likely does not like 40 year olds. I feel that with the 18 year old or * any * age he could get deeper in conversations , likely might be masterbating and will eventually want to meet the girl ( whoever she turns out to be , either today or in the future ) Cheating is * cheating * . Internet private conversations with private feelings expressed is cheating. When you are not 100% into your relationship and you are conducting yourself on the internet as * single * and getting someone's phone number this is a recipe for future cheating and the present emotional cheating the OP is going through...
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I respectfully disagree with this : You have an unemployed bored man who is lying about his age by 15 years to an 18 year who likely does not like 40 year olds. I feel that with the 18 year old or * any * age he could get deeper in conversations , likely might be masterbating and will eventually want to meet the girl ( whoever she turns out to be , either today or in the future ) Cheating is * cheating * . Internet private conversations with private feelings expressed is cheating. When you are not 100% into your relationship and you are conducting yourself on the internet as * single * and getting someone's phone number this is a recipe for future cheating and the present emotional cheating the OP is going through... I know my view on this is controversial but I don't consider it cheating. And I don't believe in "emotional cheating." The whole concept is ridiculous to me. If I have a hot dream about another man is that cheating too? If I see a hot guy and have a fleeting fantasy about him is that cheating? And no one said that he got her number. We don't know that it's gone any further. If it hasn't then he hasn't cheated. Internet private conversations are not cheating anymore than private conversations with a friend at lunch is. As far as the "private feelings" part, you're jumping to conclusions there. Nothing was said about that. And I also don't agree that this is a "recipe for cheating." No it's not. Not always. Yes, it very often is...but not always. That's why I said she should give him the benefit of the doubt.
riobikini Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 re: ChasingHappiness: " Is "Chatting" Cheating???? " I don't think chatting with someone is necessarily cheating (I chat with my friends, mom, and associates from time to time) -but given the right (or wrong, rather) person I think if you're bored (or just stupid) it can sure lead to it. Sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like your bf might be a little of both. All that sitting around in private talking trash with someone just ups the ante in the way you start thinking (a little bolder than usual) and if you keep it going -in time- the apparent becomes the inevitable and you either wind up acting on those thoughts or coming to your senses and stopping it cold. Under normal circumstances, your bf might not ever consider taking it that far -but remember- he's a guy without a job, surely he's a little more vulnerable than usual and (likely) looking for someone to plump his sagging ego, in regards to being unemployed. It's natural to want to feel "up there" again -equal with all the other (employed & confident) guys- and whether your bf realizes it or not, he's playing right into the hands of his crappy emotions having to do with his bruised and battered pride, ego, self-confidence -or whatever you choose to call it. Maybe, you gave him enough of a wake-up call when you let him know about your discovery. Maybe, he took some time to think about where he's at, right now, with his self-respect and his self perception. But under the circumstances, I think you'd better do yourself a favor and change the odds you're giving him -that 99.9% business just isn't good enough. -Rio
Mary3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I know my view on this is controversial but I don't consider it cheating. And I don't believe in "emotional cheating." The whole concept is ridiculous to me. If I have a hot dream about another man is that cheating too? If I see a hot guy and have a fleeting fantasy about him is that cheating? And no one said that he got her number. We don't know that it's gone any further. If it hasn't then he hasn't cheated. Internet private conversations are not cheating anymore than private conversations with a friend at lunch is. As far as the "private feelings" part, you're jumping to conclusions there. Nothing was said about that. And I also don't agree that this is a "recipe for cheating." No it's not. Not always. Yes, it very often is...but not always. That's why I said she should give him the benefit of the doubt. Post # 1 says he has her phone number, I have to ask though if you loved your partner and your partner was talking to someone ( in this case sexual ~ as the 18 yr old reports it was nasty talk ) then the man is talking about sex with an 18 year old while he has a gf in real life. How would that make you feel ? I experienced this once and it was not pretty. It hurt alot. Well, of course he was talking to the girl expressing his feelings and it hurts just the same via internet . It was more emotional than sexual . But if your partner is involved in some way with someone else on the computer beit sexual or telling of the feelings would that not bother you ? I can tell you most of these men DO want to meet that person. First he establishes a relationship of some sort and pretty soon emailing and texting are not enough.... Some men do soley like Porn and thats a totally different ball game. He wanks to some naked sex scene and thats the end of it when he orgasms.. But this guy is checking out a young girl and lying about his age and has her phone number.. Quite different than fantasy porn...
Trialbyfire Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I think the members who believe that interactive sexual content chatting is not cheating, should consider if it's acceptable if their own mates also do this. Let's pretend that your mate was chatting with a 22 year-old wickedly hot-looking female who is shaped like an hourglass and adores wearing very short skirts. If both partners consider this acceptable behaviour, it's okay because you've agreed to a light form of open relationship. If one partner does not agree to it, it is cheating, especially if it's done on the sly and the same partner is lying about it.
oppath Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Let's not use the word cheating, and instead use the words honesty and respect. Certainly, this man is being dishonest, and he is also disrespecting his gf. I do believe in emotional cheating: it is engaging in behavior that you know your SO would disapprove of, and would have a right to feel hurt by, and intentionally hiding it. If you are in a relationship, you can talk to whoever you want, but all of those people should know you are in a relationship. If you meet new men or women, your SO should come into conversation if there is an opportunity. So, intentionally seeking out a continual correspondence with someone on a social level, and in this case a sexual, flirty level, is dishonest if he does not reveal his gf. He is HIDING his gf. He is not treating her as if she is visible. And not telling her about his behavior is failing to disclose information that could lead her to make a decision about the relationship. Again, he is HIDING her. She is not visible, and psychological visibility is what makes good relationships so powerful. Is he cheating? Who cares. He is being dishonest and disrespectful. In my book, those things constitute emotional infidelity, because to me that means failing to disclose information that would lead me to question the relationship and hiding me from people in my hypothetical girlfriend's life. Is it infidelity? Yes, because fidelity means trustworthiness, devotion, and integrity. To hide her and to lie about big things in his life indicate a lack of integrity (because his actions do not match his expressions of love) and a lack of devotion. If someone keeps me hidden, it means they can't be trusted, because the very act of not disclosing my existence means they are hiding me for a reason.
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