Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I am not being mean on purpose...... it just comes out now. Reaction he deserves. I do not have a goal to get him to move out.... so please don't think that. Eventually he will go cheat with a ding a ling with 3 kids from 3 different daddies that thinks he is a big hero because he doesn't beat her and he puts on his "I am so good" BS act. Hope they have fun...... hope that trailer is a rockin' and of course I told him I expect this from him. Well, that's one way to ensure he doesn't do it. Tell him to do it.
a4a Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Well, that's one way to ensure he doesn't do it. Tell him to do it. Cripes you are right... didn't think of that. :lmao: Anything I say here I have certainly said to him. New one is "don't raise your voice to me"..... "you really don't want to do that. Do you?" :lmao: My, I am cold hearted. My disgust for him makes me feel bad about myself..... but I cannot control my feelings. It's okay to not like him. I already told him to feel free to "date" other people..... but then we are done in the services dept. with each other. Hell I even told him to drink more. I asked that he back date the separation when I file for divorce. He refuses to even answer that. Funny I have that friend I mentioned who has a fiance that refuses to allow her to dump him.... same as my H..... how bizarre. He also suffers from "I don't believe she means what she says" syndrome. ****************************************** MC did not work in this case at all..... I should have taken the cash and bought something nice that would have made me happy instead of wasting that money. I did let the shrink know that I did not quit because of his lack of ability.... he was a good shrink. The H was a bad subject... No shrink could fix this M unless they want to keep me on thorazine 24/7 so I would never notice a thing.
smartgirl Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I think MC has been a BIG help for us. I would have been the one to say we don't need it, but figured this was out of my realm of experience and I wanted to talk to someone that had seen it all before. H was willing to go, but hesitant. He didn't want to have to expain it all and go through the reading of the charges phase. Also, IMO, was embarrased about being revealed to someone as a bad guy. This was the third therapist we tried and third times the charm. A good one will give you some guidance and tell you up front how he works. The bad ones will just sit there and listen while you get yourself all wound up. don't be afraid to bail if it doesn't feel right. Hard to explain, but our MC moderates the conversation so we each get a chance to talk and the other gets a chance to respond. My H has had revelations in the sessions that have surprised him. It gives you a chance to say what you are feeling to the third party instead of having to address spouse directly - helps with the really hard stuff. Need to be allowed to talk through the affair. Have heard some want to avoid the affair and talk about the marriage. Ours understood there was a need to fully address the affair and why it happened as a precursor to discussing what we needed to change in our marriage. You do both need to be prepared to follow the advice given and put in work. But if the WS isn't willing to put in the work to make the marriage stronger, you won't really get better with or without MC. It has worked great for us and I was never a real believer in therapy. But again, don't be afraid to shop. You can ask for a prelim session to get a feel for their process and style and if you don't like it, move on.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Smartgirl, thanks for the addition to this thread. I'm very glad that MC worked for you. This is a link with some statistical jargon regarding MC and talking about the affair. I struggled through my statistics class many years ago so I'm certainly not one to determine the accuracy of these findings but I thought they were interesting nonetheless. [COLOR=#800080]DearPeggy.com - Survey on Extramarital Affairs[/COLOR]
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Well the thing about couples councelling is that both parties need to be ready and willing for it. If you both go into it with the same level of commitment then you can actually walk away with a postive experience, otherwise it could just turn out to be a place to re-hash all the emotions your H does not want to revisit and he will end up resent it more because he figures things are fine as they are. It is a very delicate move. What if you tried going on your own for a few sessions and then invite him to join you? I know it sounds totally unfair since he was the one who instigated this all and quite possibly is the one who should be getting the most councelling seeing as he is the instigator, but if he is resisting the idea I just don't see it working..therapy is not a magic fix it is a venue for two WILLING participants to put a lot of work into something that eventually pays off only through hard work.
luvstarved Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I think marriage counseling is like going to a doctor, only it seems that the curriculum being a bit less challenging than med school, you do get a higher percentage of incompetents and quacks in the field. Also like going to a doctor, even a GOOD one, if you don't plan on buying the prescriptions/heeding the advice then you're probably not going to feel better... My H and I did 3 rounds of counseling. And the 3rd was the charm! First time, H just would not see himself at all while at the same time kept saying that I "needed to look in the mirror". Each of first 2 times, he bailed when the spotlight was on him. He also thought that life was grand despite sexless state and him being generally hostile toward me and me learning to be the same toward him!!! Kept talking about the "American dream", a house, 3 kids,a cat, a dog! WHAT THE F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This round began with me "reaching out" and telling him I could not go on. Not really meant to be a threatening ultimatum but really that is what it was. Some months of trying to work this out on our own failed miserably. So I went online and looked for a GOOOOOD counselor. As we had sex issues, I made sure that I found one that did couples counseling as well as being a certified sex therapist. We did not focus on the sex part but I felt like someone without that credential could have God knows what hidden biases and did not want to be subjected to that. I also paid attention to theory/philosophy subscribed to... We are still dealing with our issues, but things are improving and the counselor definitely made a HUGE difference! Statistics show that MC in general has a low success rate. If I were you, I would find a book or some other resource that will help you find a counselor that is RIGHT for you. Some "relationship institute" organizations have therapists certified in their particular methodology all over the country. Terry Real and John Gottman come to mind but there are no doubt others. Check out their websites and see what you think! I think a good counselor does what ours has done - focuses on the interactions and not so much the content. It has helped a lot. I am not exaggerating to say that it has saved our marriage - at least for now and HOPEFULLY for good, but only time will tell... I do not know your whole story with the A, but it might come to a point that you cannot pursue it any further in MC and might need IC to come to terms with it all. It certainly has to come up as an issue in your M but once all has been said and resaid and resaid...a time could come when "coping" becomes the goal, and that is usually best addressed in IC. Best wishes to you.
tommyr Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Me and wife started MC in March, and I must say it has been very helpful. The main reason I think it has helped us (versus say A4A) is that my wife and I really both seem to love one another, only we have major problems with communication which the MC is helping. Part of the problem is I am the classic male who just bottles everything up inside. But part of the problem is when I finally DO talk about something serious w wife, she only listens for a minute then she blows up and ends the discussion. She is hyper sensitive so it's like walking on eggshells around her at times, and my response is simply to never say a word. My biggest issue in our marriage is that I need some time and attention from the wife, including regular sex (once or twice a week). She puts all her energy into our kids and this totally depletes her so leaving nothing at all for me (no conversation, no looks, no affection, no sex). She kept insisting that she was very happy with life (and Once-per-Month sex) so if I am unhappy it must be MY problem. The MC has helped her to see that if one partner is unhappy then BOTH partners have a problem. And MC has helped me see that if I want sex with her there are things I can do to improve those odds. MC is helping us with all that. Expensive ($500 per month) but much cheaper than divorce, and well worth the increased happiness in my house.
Author FireandIce Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Thanks for all of your advice, it has been very helpful. I think I will just start with IC because even though my H has agreed to counseling I just don't think his heart would really be in it because he honestly doesn't want to go. He wants to do everything he can to make us work but he doesn't think we need it because he thinks everything is fine now. We had a long talk yesterday and he is now very clear as to how I feel and why. I told him that I'd do IC first to work out my own feelings and then we'll look into MC.
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