DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I mean why go to a restarunt and spend money on dinner and eat in front of someone I don;t know and don;t know if we are going to see each other again? Isn't going to a restarunt more of a second date thing?
StayClose Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I don't think going to a resturant on a first date is strange. First, if the guys pays, it defines it as a "date" - that is a first step to a possible romantic relationship. Second, it is an opportunity to talk and get to know one another.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 If you look at culture, much of it surrounds...food. If you want to be friendly, you share a meal. In a date situation, it's non-threatening and allows for non-physical intimacy so you're able to solely focus on the other person but in a public safe place. I'm not certain why money is even factored into this. If you don't want to get to know someone, why bother dating them? Must there always be a "use" for someone?
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 A cafe is fine if you just want to casually get to know someone. I think there's less pressure, since you don't have to sit through an entire meal if you find that you don't like them. Getting coffee is a great "mini-date," but I wouldn't count it as a first date until you did something of longer duration.
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Personally, I like to be taken to a restaurant, not because I'm a gold digger (hm, am I?) but because it shows some sort of investment. Dating is not something I enjoy: the nerves of meeting a relative stranger, being physically evaluated, trying to look my best (we girls have to get way more tarted up than boys do), appear charming, etc. It doesn't seem worthwhile if all you're going to get is Starbucks out of the deal. Quite frankly, I'd rather just stay at home. I've had guys tell me (online) that they don't want to go to a restaurant first because they don't know if it will be worth it/a waste of time/money. In two cases, I went on dates with guys who said this to me anyway, why I don't know. One I met at Starbucks and the other actually deigned to take me to a restaurant. The former, I held his initial attitude against him even though he was otherwise good-looking and bright enough. I could not shake the rude vibe he first put out and his lack of faith that I would be worth going out with. Turns out he was quite
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Personally, I like to be taken to a restaurant, not because I'm a gold digger (hm, am I?) but because it shows some sort of investment. Dating is not something I enjoy: the nerves of meeting a relative stranger, being physically evaluated, trying to look my best (we girls have to get way more tarted up than boys do), appear charming, etc. It doesn't seem worthwhile if all you're going to get is Starbucks out of the deal. Quite frankly, I'd rather just stay at home. I've had guys tell me (online) that they don't want to go to a restaurant first because they don't know if it would be worth it/a waste of time/money. In two cases, I went on dates with guys who said this to me anyway, why I don't know. One I met at Starbucks and the other actually deigned to take me to a restaurant. The former, I held his initial attitude against him even though he was otherwise good-looking and bright enough. I could not shake the rude vibe he first put out and his lack of faith that I would be worth going out with. Turns out he was quite interested, but he made me feel so uncomfortable that I didn't want to go out with him again, even after our first real date. The other, when I said I didn't want to go on a second date, he actually shouted at me ("See? That's why I didn't want to take you to dinner!") that I had wasted his money, even though I put what cash I had in for the bill, but because it was less than half, I guess he felt gypped in some way. A friend of a friend who is wickedly funny ended up pranking him online, posing as a girl, but that's another story. I guess occasionally not taking a girl to a restaurant on the first date/meetup is acceptable as long as you don't frame it that way, i.e., "why bother?" I'd frame it more like, "Well, I'll be in your area but I can't stop for long, but I'd really like to see you so how about we grab a coffee and a snack?" If you ever give off the vibe that you are feeling less than generous with your time or money, it can be SERIOUSLY offputting and you could really blow your chances with that girl. If you're considering taking her out, chances are other guys are too, and if you offer her less than they do (even insofar as a pleasant attitude), you won't stand a chance. Unless you are ridiculously rich and/or good-looking.
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I guess it also depends on how well you know the girl and from where. If she's not a total stranger (from the Web or whatever), I would say you should take her out to a meal unless you can offer some plausible reason for why you are not able to. Anything less just looks bad, in my book. If you've never laid eyes on her before and you know she's playing the numbers game, then I guess it's more acceptable to go to a cafe. I guess I think it's about putting your best foot forward, and it's much like a job interview. If you can't be bothered to do your best, the job will go to someone else. If you don't want the job, that's one thing, but if you do end up wanting it, you may have blown it by showing a lack of enthusiasm. When guys take me out to something casual right off the bat, it sends me the signal that I am just one of many. Not a good signal to send.
dbtmarley Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I do not see anything wrong with going to a cafe. My best first dates were ones that I had come to my house so I could cook for them. My wife was a victim of this ploy. She says the awesome shrimp scampi had nothing to do with winning her heart, but I KNOW IT DID DAMMIT!!!!
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I love it when guys cook for me, especially if they do it well, but I would probably be slightly sketched out about going to someone's home. I think people like the safety of a public place for a first date, though of course if he were truly motivated to murder you and slice you into bits, he could figure it out somehow.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Perhaps there's two different concepts of what a café is. I took it as a small, intimate restaurant. Looks like others are considering it a coffee house. Maybe it's time for the OP to clarify.
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 And why is eating in front of someone an issue? A bit weird. You might eventually be having sex with this person, so eating shouldn't be a thing.
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Perhaps there's two different concepts of what a café is. I took it as a small, intimate restaurant. Looks like others are considering it a coffee house. Maybe it's time for the OP to clarify. Good point. I think a cafe could be that, but his reluctance to eat in front of a stranger made me think of it more as a place where people are primarily sitting and drinking coffee. Also I got the sense money was an issue, and small, intimate restaurants are not necessarily cheap.
dbtmarley Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 And why is eating in front of someone an issue? A bit weird. You might eventually be having sex with this person, so eating shouldn't be a thing. You must have never had BBQ ribs on a first date. HAHA I made this foolish mistake once!!
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Ha, I honestly can't remember. I know that when I was younger I actually made quite a show of acting in ways I thought some guys would find repugnant, sort of a defense mechanism, a way of weeding out people who might abandon me later over something petty. I could see myself ordering ribs and eating them like a slob on purpose, though I can't recall if I ever actually did that.
Author DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 I don't think going to a resturant on a first date is strange. First, if the guys pays, it defines it as a "date" - that is a first step to a possible romantic relationship. Second, it is an opportunity to talk and get to know one another. So you can get a free meal off me, I see
Author DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Personally, I like to be taken to a restaurant, not because I'm a gold digger (hm, am I?) but because it shows some sort of investment. Dating is not something I enjoy: the nerves of meeting a relative stranger, being physically evaluated, trying to look my best (we girls have to get way more tarted up than boys do), appear charming, etc. It doesn't seem worthwhile if all you're going to get is Starbucks out of the deal. Quite frankly, I'd rather just stay at home. I've had guys tell me (online) that they don't want to go to a restaurant first because they don't know if it will be worth it/a waste of time/money. In two cases, I went on dates with guys who said this to me anyway, why I don't know. One I met at Starbucks and the other actually deigned to take me to a restaurant. The former, I held his initial attitude against him even though he was otherwise good-looking and bright enough. I could not shake the rude vibe he first put out and his lack of faith that I would be worth going out with. Turns out he was quite so why can't the man and woman go dutch?
Author DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 And why is eating in front of someone an issue? A bit weird. You might eventually be having sex with this person, so eating shouldn't be a thing. I can't not enjoy a meal the way i would at home because if it's a pretty girl i have to make a good impression which is why I don;t really eat when I go on dates. I just order something small
Turquoise Waters Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Do men really care if they have to pay for one meal for a woman if it won't result in a second date? I'd hate to say that guys were this stingy. I've never had a guy say that was a factor in setting up a date, they always pay for the date, whether it was a coffee date or a dinner date. One dinner, big deal. If he's going to quibble over this, what an a**. If a guy announces "let's go dutch" on the first date...which has never happened to me...you are dealing with a true loser and he won't be getting a second date. DateAnalyzer, I'm curious, were you estranged from your father growing up? Because I think you could have used a strong, alphamale dad to help you grow into a man and understand these things without having to ask these silly questions. Also, real men don't leave creepy messages after a first date simply because a woman didn't return your call. Women aren't obligated to go out with you again, whether they were "nice" or not. This is scary, you will always be single I think.
Author DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Do men really care if they have to pay for one meal for a woman if it won't result in a second date? I'd hate to say that guys were this stingy. I've never had a guy say that was a factor in setting up a date, they always pay for the date, whether it was a coffee date or a dinner date. One dinner, big deal. If he's going to quibble over this, what an a**. If a guy announces "let's go dutch" on the first date...which has never happened to me...you are dealing with a true loser and he won't be getting a second date. DateAnalyzer, I'm curious, were you estranged from your father growing up? Because I think you could have used a strong, alphamale dad to help you grow into a man and understand these things without having to ask these silly questions. Also, real men don't leave creepy messages after a first date simply because a woman didn't return your call. Women aren't obligated to go out with you again, whether they were "nice" or not. This is scary, you will always be single I think. well it's a little different when it comes to blind dating, in that situation neither person knows each other so it would make sense to go dutch. Why would I just automacially pay for a women's meal i just met? Now if i met a woman in public and she gave me her number then I would pay for the date of course. But if it's a blind date i'm not paying for anything until it's confirmed that the sexual attraction is MUTUAL
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 If it's such a sticking point, then ask her to go dutch and see what the results are.
Author DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 If it's such a sticking point, then ask her to go dutch and see what the results are. that's why i'm convinced most men dislike going on dates.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 that's why i'm convinced most men dislike going on dates. Why? Because they don't want to pay?
doiask42much Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 so why can't the man and woman go dutch? This sends the signal to me that it's not a date. Or that he's met me and decided he's not interested in me. Generally if a guy is attracted to you and wants to see you again, he's more than happy to pay.
shadowplay Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I prefer a cafe personally. A restaurant feels way too formal for a first date. It adds to the pressure.
Author DateAnalyzer Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Why? Because they don't want to pay? I see nothing the man gets out of it, he pays and have to see if he will get called back and then must ask all about her and her likes on the date and say NOTHING about himself. So what exactly is FUN for a man going on a first date?
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