cr8sea Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 So...i just posted about my lukewarm boyfriend. Then, i reread the message that prompted me to write the post, and once again, as it always happens with something he says that upsets me, i realized he actually meant it in an innocent way. I feel like im really scared of this relationship. Im not sure why, and im not sure how to stop. He has given me no reason to be afraid, other than his random jokes that usually turn out to be more like he's afraid i might dump him, instead of how i first take it, that he might not really want to be with me. How do you stop this kind of thought! i feel like im totally killing it with my insecurity..... Maybe i just dont like him and im trying to find any excuse to dump him....but if thats the case, then why is it so hard for me to let him go? good lord im so confused!!!! Would you guys (or girls) give up a succesful man (or woman), who shares your same sense of humor, but might be slightly jaded like yourself? or would you stick to it and hopefully help him heal his wounds and help him heal yours? god this whole dating thing is too complicated for my life!
Author cr8sea Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 for instace, he jokingly said he might "not know me" by december, when i told him i was going to buy a car by the end of the year. At the time i know he was trying to push me to buy it sooner, but i cant help reading between the lines....however when i told him "you WILL know me by december" he smiled, said "really?" kissed me and said that it was a long time, and if we lasted that long it would break a record for him. Im just so confused about what his intentions are....
halfarock Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 You make it sound like he is insecure in his ability to continue on in a relationship – like he expects you to lose interest.
Author cr8sea Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Actually i think that has a lot to do with it. At the beginning he told me he hasnt really had a long term relationship because his gfs couldnt take his jokes (after a while i realized why....) Im very laid back and the funny thing is that we have a similar way to joke. We tease each other a lot, but i can definitely see why some girls wouldnt be able to take it. SO i guess his pattern of having short relationships have left a mark on him.... thanks sooo much for the advice
jcster Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 With comments like that, I can see why it makes you nervous. Just try and not look so far ahead. Just enjoy the now, and you'll feel better. Next time he makes one of his "jokes," tell him gently to stop doing it, because it's freaking you out.
mattea Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 i agree with halfarock. it sounds like he is making these jokes out of his own insecurities and wanting to be reassured. rather than come right out and say he's scared and worried it won't last or you'll lose interest, he jokes around to get a reaction out of you so he can be reassured that you still like him and want it to last. being scared at the beginning of a relationship is common and especially if you really like the person and if you've been hurt before (we all have). just try not to miss out on all the enjoyable parts due to anxiety (i know, easier said than done)!
Author cr8sea Posted July 31, 2007 Author Posted July 31, 2007 So after all that i decided i wanted to be with him, we had about a week or two of no doubts and an amazing time together. And then i said something about me being his gf....he kinda laughed and said he didnt like titles... After that we had a talk about being exclusive, and he said he wanted to take things slow and have his options open. That although he isnt seeing anyone right now, he wanted to be able to if he wanted to. I agreed but for my own peace of mind (u never know who he might run into) i told him we gotta stop on the sex until we were exclusive. He didnt like that one much...but said ok. Now we've gone out again after that....but i cant help the feeling of him getting a bit distant. Again it might be my twisted perception, since he's still sweet etc, but i cant help feel that its an act. Today he aimed me and seemed a bit cold and quiet. I asked him if he was ok and he said he was, and that he was a quiet person. I laughed it off, but i found that a bit defensive. He then asked me if i was up for a camping trip this weekend with his friends and when could we hang out during the week. I couldnt help but feel he really doesnt want to do this with me but he's just doing it so he doesnt look like a bad guy. Am i being crazy and paranoid??? Honestly i feel like im really trying to make him a bad guy, and i dont know if its a way to cope in case he does turn out to be like the other guys that ive dated, and hurt me. Anyone else thinks im crazy? or am i right about my perceptions?
shadowplay Posted July 31, 2007 Posted July 31, 2007 i wouldn't continue with him if you want to be exclusive and he doesn't. Personally that would make me extremely uncomfortable, obsessive and insecure.
Author cr8sea Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 how long have you been dating? Just two months..... Ive realized im asking a lot out of him when i asked for exclusivity this early in the game..... Ive also realized, im crazy paranoid when it comes to men....in general.... We've talked some more, and although i know the whole no sex deal cut him like an ice cold shower, and shut him off a bit, he's still attracted to me Im just petrified to be fooled AGAIN,.....and somewhat expecting it.... I honestly think i need to deal with myself, the **** i went thru these past three years and everything else, before i start making demands on others..... c'est la vie.... For now we're still seeing each other, im trying to see if compromising on the whole sex thing is a good idea (date whoever u want, just dont sleep with them...and if u do let me know), and see where it all goes....man this is SUCH a mess!
fatal2myself Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 it's alright if things are a little rocky. perfectly normal in fact! even the best of relationships have had some pretty bad storms. if insecurities are the worst of you're problems, then you got lucky! my boyfriend(who've i've been with for 5 months) had to get over the fact that i'm bi and had a girlfriend also! and yes i know that that is no comparison, but just putting an example of what some relationships go through. the solution is simple: talk! jut take a bit of time (with no one around), curb your desires, and just TALK! you might find somethings in common and you'll be all the closer for it! as for why you're scared, it could be a number of things. it could be that you're getting "bad vibes" from this guy. has he ever hit a girlfriend? it could also be that you yourself are afraid of commitment. had any bad relationships lately? it could even be something that i can't even begin to perceive! either way, don't push too hard if and when you do talk. try not to yell and stay calm, even if he yells. most of all, be supportive! good luck!!
Author cr8sea Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Fatal, Yeah u are right. I guess relationships, specially new ones have to go thru a lot of adjustments. We've gotten closer now, i like him a lot, love the way he treats me, better than any of the...well...jerks, for lack of a better word, that ive dated in the past. Now we're treading the waters of how exclusive do we want to be, a battle we got into last week but i feel we're doing well now. This whole dating thing...way complicated. I guess i lack experience, and the experience i do have has been horrible. So im catching up in a sense... Right now we're going with the flow, i love talking to him since we have the same sense of humor, etc. I guess we're gonna see how it all goes, no pressures, no "we gotta make it work". If it continues the way it has so far....that'll be awesome, if not....no regrets, its been really good so far, and that alone is worth it. Thanks for your reply!
Recommended Posts