IFiori Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 About 4 months ago I met a nice man who I started to casually get to know, but then I had to leave the country for some time to live in Spain. This was something I had planned long before I met him. I was gone for some months. During this time we kept in touch regularly via email He knew that I would be back to the states for a few months before moving to Paris in the fall for one year for a second advanced degree. He also knew that I had received my first advanced degree (Masters) from a very internationally famous university in the United Kingdom. He aslo knew that I have very high career goals for myself and would like to one day live in Europe and work. All of these things I had let him in on slowly over a period of time, because I was concerned that if I told him right away about these things he might get a different opinion of me than who I really am. He is a very nice person, with a Bachelors degree who lives in the Midwest who lives a very good life and who works at a basic job. I was concerned that if I told him everything right away, he would possibly feel intimidated since his lifestyle is very different than mine. Our last telephone call he began to ask me about the school I will be attending in the fall. He wanted to know if it was a good school, and so I admitted that it was one of the top schools in the world for my field. He asked if it would open doors for me, and I explained to him that after going there I would have the chance to work at a very prestigious institution in Washington DC which would open further doors for me to my final goal in Europe. (He knew that for the right man I would give all of this up. This is what I am doing as a single woman with my life because I cannot sit at home and hope some man will come along. I need to live my dreams until the right one comes along.) After getting off the phone with him, I had the distinct fear that now he was probably thinking, "what can I offer this girl?" This is something I have encountered with men before. My ex-fiance constantly complained that he felt very inadequate next to me because he could not provide for me the lifestyle he felt that I deserved. Yes, I come from a very decent background and have high goals and dreams, but for the right person I would be quite happy to live without all of these things. I used to tell my ex-fiance this constantly, but then he would feel guilty that he would be robbing me of what I could have had. I never heard back from the man in the midwest. I am not sure why, but it seems to me that it may be the reason I thought - intimidation. I don't care about these things when it comes to choosing between love and them, but in the meantime until the right man appears I would like to live these dreams. Yet I am feeling like the further I go the more it seperates me from the ordinary man and is narrowing my dating circle even further. It makes me almost not want to go any further! Do men really feel that they cannot make a woman happy if she has more/has the opportunity to have more than the man in terms of worldy things? Would that be enough of a reason for a man to loose interest?
norajane Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I explained to him that after going there I would have the chance to work at a very prestigious institution in Washington DC which would open further doors for me to my final goal in Europe. (He knew that for the right man I would give all of this up. This is what I am doing as a single woman with my life because I cannot sit at home and hope some man will come along. I need to live my dreams until the right one comes along.)It's not that men are intimidated necessarily. But why would he want to get involved with someone who is never going to be in the Midwest where he is? You haven't been there for some months, you're not going to be while you're in school, and then you'll be in DC and finally Europe. What's he supposed to do in the meantime? Carry on a long distance relationship with you that whole time when he could be dating someone at home, get married, and have kids before you even finish school? When exactly is he supposed to get to know how you two would be if you were the woman IN his life, not on the other end of the phone?
Author IFiori Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 This is just the plan for my single life, which he knew and which I explained to him. The "I am single so I am going to do something with my life until the right person comes along. If the right person comes along, I do not have to stay in Paris. I certainly do not have to go to Washington DC or ever live in Europe, unless of course the person wanted to come along with me :-) "
bluebabe_95 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I think it's the idea of you moving to Europe permanently that's preventing him from going forward with you. IMO, if a guy likes you, no matter who you are and what you make, they would want to be with you. Maybe his goals (settling down and have a family) are different from your goals. It's not about what school you go to and places you lived, it's about having the same goals/dreams as he does. Good luck!
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Do you really want a guy that's so easily intimidated? I would think you'd rather shoot for the cream of the crop, instead of the mice. If you want to continue a successful career, you'll have to learn to toughen up and not be concerned about what someone else thinks of you. This includes men that flake out.
norajane Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 This is just the plan for my single life, which he knew and which I explained to him. The "I am single so I am going to do something with my life until the right person comes along. If the right person comes along, I do not have to stay in Paris. I certainly do not have to go to Washington DC or ever live in Europe, unless of course the person wanted to come along with me :-) " But that's just it - while you are single, you are nowhere near the midwest where he is. He can't just fall in love with you and decide to spend the rest of his life with you based on a few months of knowing you. And you can't decided to chuck your plans because you don't know him. So you're going to go off to Paris and then what? The things that you are doing are separating you from being able to date people seriously with an eye to settling down. I speak from experience - I had a job for many years where I traveled for work across the country. Back and forth I flew, with relationships in all kinds of cities I never lived in, but no one back home because I was never there. It takes time actually being with a person - IN PERSON - to fall in love and get to the point of making a lifetime commitment. All the things you are doing are keeping you away from where you eventually think you'll settle down, from the place where you need to meet the man you'll settle down with. Maybe you'll meet someone in Paris - you'll be there long enough. Or maybe in DC when you get your job there. But expecting him to get involved knowing you're leaving is asking for a lot from a relationship that's barely off the ground.
Author IFiori Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Thats true. Its another reason to make me not want to go away anymore. I feel like doing all these things is starting to stand in the way of other things.
bluebabe_95 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Don't give up your dreams just because of your fear of not finding a man. I have travelled and lived in so many different countries. My ex-bf and I broke up just because I had to choose between him and my dreams. I chose my dreams of course. I now have a career that I love and found the man of my dreams! I was single for 7 years but it was worth it. I am where I want to be in my life and I will not have regrets at all. You should ask yourself on what your priorities are and give yourself a timeline. That helped for me.
alphamale Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Would that be enough of a reason for a man to loose interest? It is for me....I prefer women who are a bit less successful than me. I could never be with a very successful woman because that would eliminate my natural role as provider. But I don't have much to worry about cause the majority of women are less successful than me. Hate to be honest but thats the way I think.
Pyro Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 About 4 months ago I met a nice man who I started to casually get to know, but then I had to leave the country for some time to live in Spain. This was something I had planned long before I met him. I was gone for some months. During this time we kept in touch regularly via email He knew that I would be back to the states for a few months before moving to Paris in the fall for one year for a second advanced degree. He also knew that I had received my first advanced degree (Masters) from a very internationally famous university in the United Kingdom. He aslo knew that I have very high career goals for myself and would like to one day live in Europe and work. All of these things I had let him in on slowly over a period of time, because I was concerned that if I told him right away about these things he might get a different opinion of me than who I really am. He is a very nice person, with a Bachelors degree who lives in the Midwest who lives a very good life and who works at a basic job. I was concerned that if I told him everything right away, he would possibly feel intimidated since his lifestyle is very different than mine. Our last telephone call he began to ask me about the school I will be attending in the fall. He wanted to know if it was a good school, and so I admitted that it was one of the top schools in the world for my field. He asked if it would open doors for me, and I explained to him that after going there I would have the chance to work at a very prestigious institution in Washington DC which would open further doors for me to my final goal in Europe. (He knew that for the right man I would give all of this up. This is what I am doing as a single woman with my life because I cannot sit at home and hope some man will come along. I need to live my dreams until the right one comes along.) After getting off the phone with him, I had the distinct fear that now he was probably thinking, "what can I offer this girl?" This is something I have encountered with men before. My ex-fiance constantly complained that he felt very inadequate next to me because he could not provide for me the lifestyle he felt that I deserved. Yes, I come from a very decent background and have high goals and dreams, but for the right person I would be quite happy to live without all of these things. I used to tell my ex-fiance this constantly, but then he would feel guilty that he would be robbing me of what I could have had. I never heard back from the man in the midwest. I am not sure why, but it seems to me that it may be the reason I thought - intimidation. I don't care about these things when it comes to choosing between love and them, but in the meantime until the right man appears I would like to live these dreams. Yet I am feeling like the further I go the more it seperates me from the ordinary man and is narrowing my dating circle even further. It makes me almost not want to go any further! Do men really feel that they cannot make a woman happy if she has more/has the opportunity to have more than the man in terms of worldy things? Would that be enough of a reason for a man to loose interest? You will find lots of men who are intimidated by all that, but have no fear because there are plenty of guys who will be turned on to who you are, so don't worry about it. IMO, the best mates are those who will not be intimidated by their partners.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I doubt he was intimidated... especially if he lives in the midwest and you told him you have a dream of living in Europe. Do you know how Americans in the midwest feel about Europe? You might as well have told him your gay. I dont know many guys that are actually intimidated by successful women. I know alot of guys that dont trust them. Read Zoomarch's post in the OM/OW section it will give you an idea of what happens when a woman views herself as more successful. What guy wants that?
Lizzie60 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I don't care about these things when it comes to choosing between love and them, but in the meantime until the right man appears I would like to live these dreams. It makes me almost not want to go any further! DON'T EVER STOP LIVING YOUR DREAMS BECAUSE OF A MAN. A man is no security... your career and yourself are way more important. Not all men feel intimidated with successful women... My bet is that you will: 1) be very happy in your career if you follow your goals; 2) find a man in your field and be very happy. so don't ever give up on YOU for a man.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Your plans sound amazing and if you gave up a year in Paris for some guy in the U.S., I'd recommend you get your head examined by a psychiatrist. I consider myself successful in my career, and men love it! Of course I want a man who wants a woman with brains and "get up and go," so I attract men who want a woman like me. Don't sweat this guy. A year in Paris is the chance of a LIFETIME.
Road Rage Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Don`t forget that it is the man in this scenario that is making up his mind. I suspect he see`s the handwriting on the wall. Ifiori would simply be sacrificing too much to be in a relationship with him and it is probably clear in his mind. I doubt there are many people, both men and women, who want a partner that feels they are sacrificing a lot for the relationship. He is probably just like me. I want to be the dream, not the compromise.
Krytellan Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I doubt there are many people, both men and women, who want a partner that feels they are sacrificing a lot for the relationship. He is probably just like me. I want to be the dream, not the compromise. Of all of the discussion about men being intimidated by success/power, I think this is one of the more powerful aspects to keep in mind. Though I believe that my last relationship gave me the opportunity to encounter, experience, and conquer this "intimidation", I do feel that that was one of the things that most weighed on my mind. I never wanted to feel like an anchor that got in the way of the things that my partner wanted. And let's be real, that will happen (especially with the wage desparity we had). I think another thing to consider is that people, male and female alike, do have their own unique personalities. Though they may not realize it, I think you need to consider that many of these "successful" people do have a personality that can be at least a little degrading or superior. Again, not to say this is intentional, but I know it happens. And yes, that can be a huge turnoff to a man for obvious reasons. As such, I don't think it's fair to always make it about the money when the person could be the reason.
Topper Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Here is one big difference in men and woman. A woman will say I'm successful so I want an equally successful man or a more successful man. a Guy will say I'm very successful I really like this woman I might be in love with her I could care less how much she makes.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Here is one big difference in men and woman. A woman will say I'm successful so I want an equally successful man or a more successful man. a Guy will say I'm very successful I really like this woman I might be in love with her I could care less how much she makes. I beg to differ. More often than not if a guy is being honest with himself, it's more like: "a Guy will say I'm very successful and you will revere me for this" There isn't really much concern about the woman, in any way, except that she's hawt.
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Why would you want to commit to a man that would accept you giving up your dreams and ambitions? If you give up everything that you dream of and are achieving for some guy, how will you ever respect yourself? Find someone with the same dreams - you'll be so much happier.
fly_gurl Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Don`t forget that it is the man in this scenario that is making up his mind. I suspect he see`s the handwriting on the wall. Ifiori would simply be sacrificing too much to be in a relationship with him and it is probably clear in his mind. I doubt there are many people, both men and women, who want a partner that feels they are sacrificing a lot for the relationship. He is probably just like me. I want to be the dream, not the compromise. I think your wrong for saying this, because there are def. more people who think they are "worth it". I wouldn't feel like I was a sacrifice at all if I was chosen over love, because love is rare. If anything, I would feel absolutely smitten that someone would care enough to drop what they were doing for me. It sounds so romantic. What you basically said is that you'd rather chose "success and money" over "love", which I'm not judging you for, but I would def. choose love <3.
fly_gurl Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I think you should do what your heart tells you. I would like to know though, how old are you? Because if you're getting up there and you want a family, you may want to start now, before it's too late. If you feel that this guy is the one for you and that you are absolutely sure you would fall in love with him, I would say go for it. In the end, love overrides money and success. If you don't have the LOVE that you want, in the longterm schema of things you won't be happy. What kind of degree do you have now? Would you be content with just the masters degree that you have now? You could probably do a lot with a masters degree too. Did you tell him you plan on living in Europe for the rest of your life? If so, that could shy him away from the relationship. The thought of moving to another country is probably slim for him. He's from America, and submerging into a different culture that has different languages and a whole new way of living may not be something he is ready for. I don't think he would be intimidated by you, unless you say things to make him feel that way. Only you know that though. Just remember a relationship is 50/50 give and take, and if anyone has to give up 100% just to be with someone it would probably not be worth it in the end. I would talk to this guy ask him what he wants in life and what his longterm goals are. You might just figure out that you guys don't have the same life goals. I hope you find what it is you are searching for in life. The best advice that I could give you would be to follow your heart.
Turquoise Waters Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Here is one big difference in men and woman. A woman will say I'm successful so I want an equally successful man or a more successful man. a Guy will say I'm very successful I really like this woman I might be in love with her I could care less how much she makes. I guess I don't consider how much money one makes "successful." I make a pretty decent wage, but not "high" by any means. I don't think a lawyer making twice or three times or higher than me "more successful" at all. I do require that a guy have a college degree. Most men I date want the same thing in a woman. It has nothing to do with money, more with background and culture. Also, this whole scenario is everyone expects HER to give up HER once in a lifetime chance of spending a year in...PARIS. If this guy was really into HER, he would give up HIS job in the U.S., right? PARIS IS AMAZING, PEOPLE, YOU JUST DON'T GIVE THAT UP FOR SOME DUDE IN CINCINNATI.
dbtmarley Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 What is a basic job in your opinion? I hope you did not come across to him as thinking that way of his job. While I do believe some men are "intimidated", I also believe there are those who are not. It is obvious if he is one of those who are then he is not the one for you. I think you shouldn't put your dreams and aspirations on hold for anyone and further more, you might meet Mr. Right while trying to attain those career goals of yours. As a matter of fact I would bet on it:). Don`t forget that it is the man in this scenario that is making up his mind. I suspect he see`s the handwriting on the wall. Ifiori would simply be sacrificing too much to be in a relationship with him and it is probably clear in his mind. I doubt there are many people, both men and women, who want a partner that feels they are sacrificing a lot for the relationship. He is probably just like me. I want to be the dream, not the compromise. I think your wrong for saying this, because there are def. more people who think they are "worth it". I wouldn't feel like I was a sacrifice at all if I was chosen over love, because love is rare. If anything, I would feel absolutely smitten that someone would care enough to drop what they were doing for me. It sounds so romantic. Fly_gurl, I think the poster brings up a very valid point. Maybe this guy feels he would just hold her back and ultimately make her unhappy. It could very well be the man's thinking. I do not think the poster was "wrong for saying this". [Why would you want to commit to a man that would accept you giving up your dreams and ambitions? If you give up everything that you dream of and are achieving for some guy, how will you ever respect yourself? Find someone with the same dreams - you'll be so much happier./QUOTE] jcster I agree. FIori, I think you should follow your dreams and ambitions. Do not put those on hold for any man who would allow you to do so. There are men out there who will be able to stand beside you and help inspire you to reach your goals. Thomas
Mustang Sally Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Maybe he is less intimidated by your "success" and more put off by your obvious infatuation with it? (Reread your post "prestigious this" and "top that" and "advanced blah blah.") Now, don't get me wrong - it sounds like you have done some (and plan to do more) very wonderful things with yourself. That's great. But I don't think it's the successes, persay, so much as the appearance of "not much room in my life for anything(one) else." I would recommend you ask yourself if these achievements are that important to you, would you really, REALLY be happy to discard them all for this (or some other) guy? You need to think about that VERY carefully. Because ultimately, I think that, for you, is a more important question to answer than if men are intimidated by successful women. And finally. If you two really have such different lifestyles, then it is my personal belief that may be too big of an issue for a couple to overcome. Just my opinion. Good luck with the situation.
dbtmarley Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Maybe he is less intimidated by your "success" and more put off by your obvious infatuation with it? (Reread your post "prestigious this" and "top that" and "advanced blah blah.") Now, don't get me wrong - it sounds like you have done some (and plan to do more) very wonderful things with yourself. That's great. But I don't think it's the successes, persay, so much as the appearance of "not much room in my life for anything(one) else." I would recommend you ask yourself if these achievements are that important to you, would you really, REALLY be happy to discard them all for this (or some other) guy? You need to think about that VERY carefully. Because ultimately, I think that, for you, is a more important question to answer than if men are intimidated by successful women. And finally. If you two really have such different lifestyles, then it is my personal belief that may be too big of an issue for a couple to overcome. Just my opinion. Good luck with the situation. Hmmm now that is definitely one way to look at it. Very observant Sally, you should be a criminal investigator!!;)
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