alainajones Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 My husband and I have a 10 month old boy and decided to separate. It was originally my idea but we both believe that the time away from each other is needed to help us realize that we should be together or not. Neither of us wants to get a divorce yet because we still love each other and our son, and we really don't know what we want right now. It's just that things have been rough since I had the baby and we can't seem to figure out what else to at this point. Have you or know anyone that decided to get back together after a separation? I am aware that this could very well lead us to a divorce, but I guess I want to think that there is hope... Thanks.
PWSX3 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Me & my W went through a 8 month separation & I feel a separation is the LAST step before a divorce. You should try everything you can before you have to do that. Every situation is different so what works for one doesn't mean it will work for another. If I remember I read someplace that only 1% of people that separate get back together so the odds aren't good. Having a child can really change the routine of a couple & a family. Have you sat down & talked about who does what now that the little one is here? I don't know your story, how long you have been married, or why things are so bad for you now, but I do know you have to talk things out, don't take each other for granted. Men & woman think a lot different & so if you are thinking one way there is a very good chance your H has no clue & it works the other way as well. I think there is more to your story that needs told before people can help, but yes people do get back together after a separation but the % is very small.
Author alainajones Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 We dated 5 years and have been married a little over a year now. Things started to get bad after the baby He says: because I give all my attention to our son and none to him, and I say: because he never wants to do anything to help me with the baby or around the house. We both work fulltime and go to school but I do most of the house work and almost all the work for the baby. We have sat down and talked more than a couple of times. He says I never want to be intimate with him since the baby was born. I have told him that I don't feel like being intimate with him because I'm having to do all the work and I don't feel like I have a loving husband who really cares about me. If he helped me with the baby and/or house work, I'd have more time to spend time with him and feel glad that I'm married to a nice man that helps me and would want to spend time with him and be more intimate. He never wants to spend time with me and the baby unless I plan something, but he is always so quick to make plans with his friends and hang out. I have made plans to have my friends watch the baby so that we could go out to dinner and movie more than a few times, tried to be more affectionate, made sure to tell him that I still love him and apprecite him (when he helps...), but he says he could feel I'm only doing that because I think I should and doesn't feel that I'm doing that genuinely. There are other things but either way, I don't think staying with him would do us any good any more. Sounds pretty hopeless, huh? PWXS3, did you and your wife decide to get a divorce or are you trying to work things out?
nittygritty Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 It is such a stressful time the first couple of years after having a baby. I think its a downhill slope when you start living separately. Its too easy to separate again, even if you do manage to get back together. Have you tried marriage counseling? Your working full time and going to school do you think he is going to start helping take care of the baby once he moves out? Since he is feeling neglected emotionally and sexually is being separated going to give him the green light to find another woman to meet his emotional relationship needs? If this happens what are the chances of reconciliation? I realize that your feeling resentment and your needing him to change and start helping you. Your needing him to quit being selfish and inconsiderate. He's needing some attention and affection. Working on your relationship while living together makes more sense to me. There has got to be some compromise and also a solution that doesn't involve anyone leaving the relationship, even temporarily. I hope that you have really thought this through. Take Care
PWSX3 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 PWXS3, did you and your wife decide to get a divorce or are you trying to work things out? She has moved back in & we are trying to work things out. We have been married for 26 years so like I said our situation might be different. I have learned I didn't like the old me & "I'M" doing something to change that. Now will we stay together I don't know but at least I can tell myself I did everything I could do, remember it takes 100% from both sides to make a marriage work, not just 50-50...... When I grew up my mom did all the house work, did the cooking, & took care of 4 kids while my dad did all the outdoor type work & my dad worked full time & my mom worked part time & then full time, so when I got married I thought that is how it was supposes to be but things are different now. Us guys or at least I didn't understand that if you help the W around the house then there is a "chance" that she would have more time for you & it sounds like you H is that way. There are some good books out there to read such as; The five Languages of Love but I doubt your H would read them & you can't make him read them either. Raising a little one takes a lot of work, lot of time that a lot of times the other spouse doesn't see. You have to do a lot of compromising & somehow you need to get your H involved, suggest that maybe if he could help with this you would have time to do that. It sounds like maybe you have done that & it hasn't worked so like people have told me; if you keep doing the same thing & it doesn't work then you need to find another approach. If you keep saying or doing the same thing over & over & it doesn't work then what makes you think doing it another 20 times will change. Good luck!!!!!
Ladyjane14 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 If you want to stay married... separation is probably a mistake. "Out of sight is out of mind". How are you going to get 'more help' from him, when he's living outside the family? How is he going to get 'more attention' from you when he's not with you? Trial separation increases the likeliness that the separation will become permanent. Your better bet is to try marriage counseling and to work your problems out WITHIN the family dynamic. Starting a family is a really stressful time for nearly EVERYONE. It's a tough stage, but one that you two can make it through if you'll both make it a priority in your lives. Try books like Love Busters by Harley to improve communications. And The Five Love Languages by Chapman to identify emotional needs.
Author alainajones Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 I would first like to thank everyone for commenting. It really helps to hear other people's views. I only wish he could read this... PWSX3, that is exactly correct. I have told him that if he helped me more around the house and/or with the baby that I could spend more time with him many times, but he obviously just doesn't get it. He might try to act differently for a couple of days and the just goes back to normal. nittygritty, I thought about that too, that he could use this as the green light to find another woman to meet his emotional relationship needs . But if that's what he ends up doing, then he obviously didn't care about me or the baby that much to begin with. What you are saying is exactly right, that I need him to change and start helping me, quit being selfish and inconsiderate. I also found out that he is talking to a woman (she's supposedly married with kids) he dated briefly while we had broken up years ago for a month or two. I have no idea if the level of their conversation is friendly or more than that and I really don't think he's sleeping with her, but either way, the fact he's talking to her when I'm not around and denies he's talking to anyone, doesn't seem to really bother me. I just think he has no respect toward me if he can do that, but I'm not jealous, mad or sad. I thought to myself then, shouldn't it bother me if I still had feelings for him? He was also laid off last week and has no job since yesterday. But he told me that I should take the baby to daycare (because we'd already paid for this week). He has nothing to do other than having to look for a job but wants to sleep in, so I should take the baby to daycare when I came from school at 10 (not every night) after working all day? These are the things that makes me feel that he doesn't have the same kindness that I do for him. But again, he just doesn't get it. I know that this separation can push us to get a divorce, but I just feel at this point, I have done everything and it is now up to him to come to senses or not... I just don't have anything left in me any more. I am from another country and have no family here and feel that I really need to be around my family to take some time away from him and emotionally recuperate...
PWSX3 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 PWSX3, that is exactly correct. I have told him that if he helped me more around the house and/or with the baby that I could spend more time with him many times, but he obviously just doesn't get it. He might try to act differently for a couple of days and the just goes back to normal. Like I said; he has to get hit with the 2X4 before he will see what is happening & maybe that will come to late. I also found out that he is talking to a woman (she's supposedly married with kids) he dated briefly while we had broken up years ago for a month or two. I have no idea if the level of their conversation is friendly or more than that and I really don't think he's sleeping with her, but either way, the fact he's talking to her when I'm not around and denies he's talking to anyone, doesn't seem to really bother me. I just think he has no respect toward me if he can do that, but I'm not jealous, mad or sad. I thought to myself then, shouldn't it bother me if I still had feelings for him? NO ONE will ever admit if they are looking on the other side of the fence.... He might not be up to anything but he might be testing the waters, just to see if he still has it, OR he can be telling this girl his story to help him decide what he wants to do. He was also laid off last week and has no job since yesterday. But he told me that I should take the baby to daycare (because we'd already paid for this week). He has nothing to do other than having to look for a job but wants to sleep in, so I should take the baby to daycare when I came from school at 10 (not every night) after working all day? These are the things that makes me feel that he doesn't have the same kindness that I do for him. But again, he just doesn't get it. I wouldn't get after him right away about this, I know when I was let go from my work that it just takes the wind out of your sails for a while. You don't feel like doing anything, you don't feel like you are worth anything. Now if this keeps going on for a week or two then you can get mad!!! I know that this separation can push us to get a divorce, but I just feel at this point, I have done everything and it is now up to him to come to senses or not... I just don't have anything left in me any more. I am from another country and have no family here and feel that I really need to be around my family to take some time away from him and emotionally recuperate... If you do separate you have to remember that things might not work out & you won't get back together so that is something you have to except. Make sure IF you decide to separate that it can go either way. I can't say for sure but I would have to agree with LJ & once he gets a taste of being out, having no responsibility he will like it & won't want to work on the marriage.
Author alainajones Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 It is decided and we both fully agree on separation. We both believe the time away from each other is needed. Do you think we should still go to counseling even for one session before we are actually separated, or do you think that'll be a waste if we are getting separated anyway?
PWSX3 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 It is decided and we both fully agree on separation. We both believe the time away from each other is needed. Do you think we should still go to counseling even for one session before we are actually separated, or do you think that'll be a waste if we are getting separated anyway? I wish you the best!!!!!! I know for me the longer we were apart the more I started making & doing things I liked to do, you don't have to wait on the other person, you don't have to keep the house clean like he/she wanted, or in my case keep it cleaner then she wanted but I didn't have to worry about her stuff, you don't have to try & make the other person happy, etc. Being separated does give you a since of freedom & I really believe that is why most people don't get back together because it is easier being on your own, but then down the road that feeling of being alone will creep back in & that is when people start looking again & they forget about the work, the dedication it will take & they start the circle all over again. No matter what relationship you are in that feeling of "LOVE" at the beginning is just that; it is just at the beginning. You have to learn to love the person for more then that first rush you feel for them. As for the MC the only thing I would think they could help you with is explaining the rules of a separation, such as; are you going to date while separated (we didn't), how are you going to handle the money, who & when do you split up the time with the child, etc. They can also help you with a time limit. In our case the W wanted a complete month of no contact, then we went to MC to see how we felt & started talking again. Everyone situation is different....... They also have such a thing as a separation paper but it just depends on how picky you want to get.
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