Spoonandfork22 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Since this is one of the most common problems I see on dating forums, I thought of these questions: A. Have you ever dated someone who was friends with an ex? B. If yes, did this become a problem? and if yes again, how did you solve it? C. Are ex's always a precursor to trouble? i.e. rekindled feelings? D. Is it possible for ex's to really be only friends? E. How can new relationships handle the 'ex factor' in a positive way? I know a lot of people out there wonder about this so as much input as possible would be great!!!
Brad_from_NJ Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 A. Dated? Yes. But it never lasted very long, though. I'm talking about ex-GF's (no kids involved). B. Yes it became an issue (there are never problems, only "issues"). I solved it by withdrawing (in all cases) almost right away when I understood the magnitude of the ex-factor. C. Always a factor? Probably not. But in my case, it was a hindrance. D. When kids are involved, there will be a relationship. That's just the way it is. When there are no kids involved, and it is just ex's, it is likely because there is some unfinished business between them. Just my opinion. E. No such thing. LOL. I don't know!
oppath Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 (a) yes, my last gf. (b) yes, as I was a doormat. He'd fly into town to see his family, and basically her, and she'd hang out with him for hours, and didn't tell him she had a new boyfriend. In fact, I wasn't allowed to meet some of her friends because she didn't want him to find out she moved on so soon and hurt his feelings. I was empathetic at first, until she started expressing feelings of love. I said "I'm not telling you not to be friends with him, but I need you to tell him you have a boyfriend, because I feel disrespected that you keep me hidden." The problem was not solved. Doormat. Next time, I will walk away. © Ex's should be kept at a distance in a new relationship, even if feelings can't be rekindled, because it's not fair to go to an ex with current relationship problems! That said, no, ex's aren't necessarily a precursor to problems, but bottom line is your current SO should CLEARLY be the number one person in your life. If you have a relationship with an ex, it requires full disclosure to your partner; they need to meet them, and you must always be honest and open about talking to them, seeing them, etc. don't hide contact out of fear of a jealous reaction, disclose. (d) yes, it is possible, but the goal should be FRIENDLY with an ex when there is a new relationship, largely being friends in a group situation. This isn't to say you can't be more close, but if you are in a relationship, your current partner should be number 1, so this means acting in a way that will respect his/her feelings and doing things to make him/her comfortable. If you retain an ex as a close friend, it has the potential for trouble. Best not to have them as one-on-one intimate buds. (e) Quite simple, if I were in a new relationship and on friendly terms with an ex, I'd tell the ex straightaways "I'm in a new relationship and I want to be fair to her; perhaps this information will hurt you, but out of respect for her, I don't think it is a good idea for us to be buddy-buddy." Or something like that. If the person I am dating is friends with an ex...it depends how long they dated and how recent the ex is. I will never again date a woman just out of a LTR who wants to remain close friends with her ex. My rule is this: can I meet him? If not, they can't be friends, because there is too much emotion there for them to be friends. This isn't to say they can't have ANY contact, but it should be once a month or two at most, and it should always be disclosed. I would treat a new gf this way, and I expect (after being ****ed over) to be treated the same.
chryssy83 Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I used to think that it was possible to be friends with an ex without it causing problems. Now I think there has to be so much space between two people who used to date that if they had any serious sort of relationship at all, it's unlikely that this will work out. One of the parties always seems to have an interest that goes beyond friendship. I would never date anyone again who was "friends" with an ex, and I certainly wouldn't ever try to be friends with one. **disclaimer: I'm just talking about people who had prior relationships of a somewhat serious nature. If you went out once and nothing really happened between you, it's probably not such a big deal. I don't consider those people "exes" although my current boyfriend seems to.
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