Mistaken Identity Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 My 65 year-old mother is a hoarder. There is a trail from her living room to her bathroom and kitchen. All of the rooms are jammed with stuff almost to the ceiling. Most of it is not even in boxes. She has stuff in there that belonged to me 27 years ago! She sleeps on her couch; she doesn't have a clean bedroom or even a bed. The mattress and box springs are leaned on the wall in the living room behind a bunch of other junk. I'm not lying when I say there is not one clean surface in her house. She also has two storage rooms full of stuff. There are four vehicles and a motor home parked at her house and most of them are full of stuff, too.She is constantly adding to her "collection." My niece is coming to visit this weekend. She's never been to my mom's house. So my mom is trying to clean it up. Anyway, after listening to her complain about how she's snowed under with all this stuff, I suggested--like I always do--that she donate it to charity. No, she won't do that because her stuff is worth money. (Some of it may be, but most of it isn't.) To make a long story short, I told her she probably has OCD like her mother and my 15 year-old daughter. My daughter takes medication for it, in fact. My mother became defensive and insulting. She said I should throw away my book inventory (I sell books for a living) and go get a job. She said my daughter was wrong for going to San Francisco to see a concert (a trip that was paid for by her friend's family) and for having so much junk on her walls (pictures). She said, "I don't have time to get rid of that stuff. I have to work for a living!" She is a nurse and works private duty less than one week a month--if that! I told her that eveybody has to work for a living. She stormed off. I understand her defensiveness. But I don't think she needed to attack me and my daughter. Frankly, she's been so childish and manipulative to us for so many years that I don't care if she never contacts me again.Was I wrong? Am I wrong?
LN99 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 My mom was always a packrat too. She hung on to stuff for over 30 yrs. In fact, one time, I went into our basement and found stuff that she never unpacked when she moved into our house over 30 yrs ago. It was straight out of the 70s... Now she passed away a few months ago and I am going through it all... (not fun, trust me.) I was able to get her to part with some things a few yrs ago when she became ill with cancer. She was unable to get into the basement, and while she was away at the doctor office, my aunt, dad, and I all pitched in and took some stuff to the dump. It was all destroyed anyways due to water damage..and thats not healthy to have sitting around in a basement anyways. I know a few times I tried to donate stuff to goodwill. Honestly if she didn't know about it, she never missed it. If she did know about it, then she would get pissed. Her and I actually got into a really bad fight one time over me giving away some light switch plates she had sitting downstairs for over 10 yrs that she wanted to use someday... Now I think back, and I think having those things just comforted her. A lot of people feel this way. Its not exactly healthy.....but it makes them feel good. After getting into a huge fight over stupid material objects, I decided to let it be. Even though going through stuff is overwhelming for me right now, I'm glad she had what she wanted while she was alive. I've learned that with some people, you just can't change their habits. Just let them be... In the end, that fight wasn't worth it. It was a week of hell arguing with her instead of enjoying good times with her. And little did I know those times would be so limited...
Elmo Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I agree with LN. You already know that medication might help with the ocd part of this. If your mom won't do it you should detach. Google detachment. It seems very obvious at first, but something may apply to your situation. If your mom has dementia and may die in a fire because of the clogged hallways...well, go to court and get her in a facility. If not...if she is working enough to support herself, or lives on HER savings. .. It's her life. Maybe you can have your visits outside of her house. Don't stop seeing her because she has a problem, just let this be HERS not yours. Meet for lunch, bring your daughter have fun and don't let the conversation veer toward this subject. She won't change if she doesn't want to. If relatives come to visit...warn them but still make all the get togethers you will be a par of away from that place. If you see her start to fall apart go eyeball it...until then...she is an adult and you have tried. Google detachment. Good luck. This is a wierd and hard thing for most people to understand. Most people have a bit of hoarding/ocd/addictive behavior but will NEVER admit to it. It's important that you let her be a separate individual and you take care of yourself and the minor child that is in your influence.
quankanne Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I wonder if some of her behavior can't be attributed to growing up as a child of the post-Depression, where things were very hard to come by and you didn't toss out stuff just because. how does she feel about recycling? That might be one way to encourage her to thin out her stuff. Other option is to sneak into the house while she's gone and start carting off the stuff she obviously doesn't need or can't use – chances are, she has no idea that she's got it stashed away, so it's not like she's going to miss it. not sure what to say about her defensive behavior ... but I do commisserate with you, my folks did the same thing. When my mother was alive and I'd visit on a more regular basis, I'd stay up past their bedtime and start cleaning out a room at a time, on the pretext of straightening up stuff. Now, my daddy's got pig-paths through the house, he's got so much crap, it's much worse than when mama was alive. We've already told him that when he dies, we're putting a match to the place to save time
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