lovedinflorida Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Hello all, i am in need of advice..im new here and i have to pur my heart iout because i need some advice.please. its alot but here goes I was on another board and this has all been in a year time this was my first post: I am in love. I am young and have never felt like this before!! But there are some questions that arise in my mind. Me and this man are not together, but we do engage in sexual activities and we hang out from time to time. He spends time with ME at least once a week! Which makes me love him even more. He has told me on numerous occasions that we are not together and he has no intention of being with me. He shares very little about his life and is quite moody! We are always off and on as far as us talking because of his mood swings towards me! It seems as if he only talks to me when he wants too and I am the one that mostly calls him!!! This year I popped up over his house and he let me in his home only to find another female in his home. It looked as if they were so comfortable and he kicked me out and told me to go home! While that other woman sat there. Comes to find out, they have been dating for 6 years! I decided to leave him alone and wrote him a long letter stating that as his friend I loved him and would do anything for him and how could he even have another woman in his presence?! And that I didn’t want the friendship to end. So he took me on my offer and we have been fine ever since. Yes we have had times where his moods causes us not to speak, and then I found out that that girl was living with him for a little bit, she was moving from one apt to the next and until her apt was ready she lived there (that’s when I didn’t hear from him for about 2 weeks!) Not too mention they have finances together!!! BUT finally he told me he loved me, and I love him so much!!!!! People are saying he is telling me what I want to hear but he wouldn’t say that if he didn’t mean it!!! People are saying I should have took the hint when he kicked me out instead of that girl but I don’t think anything of that!! What should I do? Please all advice is wlecomed!
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Then after this a couple of months later I did become his girlfriend and this is what i posted: Its been a while everyone..I wanted to update you guys, please tell me what you think, im still kind of skeptial! So its official, I am his GIRLFRIEND!!! I put my foot downand told him that I was going to leave him alone, if he didnt give me a title and that we were going to do this together. So after two days of thinking about it, he decided to give it a try!!! So I am now officially in a relationship! The other woman that he has been involved with for years: I snooped, I know I was wrong but I read some emails from him and the girl that he WAS involved with...The first emai I read was him telling her "he wanted to play the field and that he didnt want to hurt her bc right now he was going to cheat on her at this stage in his life, and he didnt want to do that to her. They have been having problems for the past couple of months(I think he just said that so he didnt have to deal with her anymore so he could be with me!) Her response was basically do you/she'll do her/take space..so a week later they are emailing each other again talking about the space they are taking, he was saying he loved her, and then they were talking about rebuilding their friendship so things could get stronger with them bc somehow it got lost and he kept saying things like "his heart knows, he kept talking about his feelings...*SIGH!!!* My friend told me im being used a filler for right now until they get theire stuff straight, and that they are really based on something and trying to work things out, and that im the right now girl, not the "marriage girl" I dont think so, I thought men dont get "girlfriends" just because.. what do yall think?Help!
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 And this is whats going on now! Please help all advice please! I know im young but i am very much in love with my man! I have been snooping and that woman is still around, like how she used too be, but he still be texting and emailing her like everyday. Ive read their emails and its like they are so emotional to each other. We don’t be talking about stuff like that. They talk all serious, and all he says to her how he never meant to hear her, how he wants their friendship to work out, how he needs them to be friends, he invited her over numerous times, told her in one email that he is not going to let her go, and some otha stuff, I could not believe it. And its mostly him begging her and telling her how he wants them to work out and how she is unlike noone else, and how she irreplaceable, and that hes trying to get his life together, why is he telling her all of his business, business that I don’t even know??????? I thought that chick was gone, I mean he is with me! I am his girlfriend! One email though was like he was telling her to go out there and do her bc he is so messed up right now and something about them in long run….he always talking future with her, telling her his problems, stuff he don’t even tell me! Im over his house EVERY NIGHT, I see my man EVERYDAY! He talks to me all the time, so whats with this chick??????! My friend again said, “you are ms. Right now, and to him she is ms. Right” and for me to leave him because all he is trying to do is occupying time with me, but I don’t think that’s the case at all!!! He tells me he loves me everyday and misses me everyday, and we went to church together numerous times!! Help! Another incident, this woman was at his house when I came over, they were outside talking and it seemed as if they was real serious about whatever they were talking about, he told me to go upstairs bc he was handling his business, so I went, I came out thirty minutes later and they was STILL talking! He left me upstairs for an hour and some change talking to her. When he came back we ate dinner and I left it alone, he always be telling me when I start to ask questions or do something he don’t like for me to get my act together because im getting too complicated to deal with it, and he don’t need that in hislife but that he loves me, and to get my stuff together before he leaves me…my friend always tells me he does not love you, he love that other chick, you his “simple chick” to him, something to do while he trying to get right for ol girl..Help! This is so confusing to me! What do yall think about it? Please help me!
jcster Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Lovedinflorida...you are being used. You are being used by a man who has been cheating on his live-in girlfriend of 6 years. He told you from the start that it wasn't a relationship - he used you as a booty-call and you went along with it. Now, he's told you what you want to hear. Why are you believing this? He's leading you on, he's leading his girlfriend on (the original and not entirely broken up with one). I think both you and his long time girlfriend should kick him where the sun doesn't shine and leave him to stew. This is not a romance, it's Jerry Springer.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Lovedinflorida...you are being used. You are being used by a man who has been cheating on his live-in girlfriend of 6 years. He told you from the start that it wasn't a relationship - he used you as a booty-call and you went along with it. Now, he's told you what you want to hear. Why are you believing this? He's leading you on, he's leading his girlfriend on (the original and not entirely broken up with one). I think both you and his long time girlfriend should kick him where the sun doesn't shine and leave him to stew. This is not a romance, it's Jerry Springer. Thanks jcster. well she wasnt his live in girlfriend, she was just there for two weeks during a time, but she moved right back out..he told me he didnt want a relationship, so thats why we were dating but friends. what do you mean by not entirely broken up with one? They arent together. Theyve talked about rebuilding their friendship because they had a lot of problems last year so thats what they are doing now i guess..why do you think he is leading me on? Do men just get girlfriends just because?
jcster Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Many people hate to be alone. They hate it so much that they will lie, cheat and steal to make sure that they always have someone around to provide them with the love they can't give themselves. They depend upon other people who hate to be alone so much that they will put up with liars, cheats, and thieves. Despite your new official title, you said that their messages said they were "taking space." After 6 years of a relationship - that is not the same as broken up. Everything in your most recent post has shown that she is still important to him and in his life. He won't answer your questions, he wants you to just be there and accept whatever he gives you. Is this what you truly want? I agree with your friends - you're Ms. Right-Now. You deserve better.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Many people hate to be alone. They hate it so much that they will lie, cheat and steal to make sure that they always have someone around to provide them with the love they can't give themselves. They depend upon other people who hate to be alone so much that they will put up with liars, cheats, and thieves. Despite your new official title, you said that their messages said they were "taking space." After 6 years of a relationship - that is not the same as broken up. Everything in your most recent post has shown that she is still important to him and in his life. He won't answer your questions, he wants you to just be there and accept whatever he gives you. Is this what you truly want? I agree with your friends - you're Ms. Right-Now. You deserve better. Well they were taking space and then they got bad and they stopped seeing each other and then they started talking about rebuilding their friendship, like he was begging her, and telling her he wasnt going to let her go, so theyre not together, but growing in there friendship, which is fine, but why did he beg her if he has me? arent i supposed to be his best friend? I thought i was because im his girlfriend. So my title means nothing?
jcster Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I really think he's telling you what you want to hear. I'm afraid the word "girlfriend" means more to you than it does to him. Look at what he DOES, not what he SAYS.
T-town Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 U dont want to hear this but, Get out now...seriously you are going to get hurt. He is a manipulator, he is manipulating u and that other girl. Why do you think he wants to be 'friends' with her? He is just dragging her along so when u guys end he has a fall back girl. There is NOTHING you can say or do to change this. Why would he want a friendship with an exgirlfriend to grow? That is wrong in so many ways and u shouldn't put up with it. Actions speak louder than words...and when u do break up with him(seriously please do) DONT let him con you into staying. Everything he is gonna say is BS.
italianchica Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Just out of curiosity - How old are you and how old is he?
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Just out of curiosity - How old are you and how old is he? im 22 and hes 28
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 U dont want to hear this but, Get out now...seriously you are going to get hurt. He is a manipulator, he is manipulating u and that other girl. Why do you think he wants to be 'friends' with her? He is just dragging her along so when u guys end he has a fall back girl. There is NOTHING you can say or do to change this. Why would he want a friendship with an exgirlfriend to grow? That is wrong in so many ways and u shouldn't put up with it. Actions speak louder than words...and when u do break up with him(seriously please do) DONT let him con you into staying. Everything he is gonna say is BS. Manipulating me? Then why would he make me his girlfriend? Well they were best friends from what I know, theyre lke bonnie and clyde, i never heard this from him because he doesnt share with me, but ive heard around, and i walked in one day when his friends was telling him he was stupid and he made a big mistake, i just shrugged it off...his friends all love her... something else though..he told her he wasnt happy with life and that she deserved so much, and was telling her to go date, so that means he doesnt want her right? That he wants me because he got into a committed relationship with me right?
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Manipulating me? Then why would he make me his girlfriend? Because you demanded it or you were going to walk. It's just a word to him - it's easy for him to give it to you. It's obvious he's not taking it seriously, if he's "growing his relationship" with the other chick. he told her he wasnt happy with life and that she deserved so much, and was telling her to go date, so that means he doesnt want her right? That he wants me because he got into a committed relationship with me right? No, that doesn't mean that he doesn't want her. It meant that he wanted to have sex with other women without losing her in the process. And committed? You were sleeping with him while he had a girlfriend, and now he's got the ex girlfriend on a string while he sleeps with you. That's not committment. I know you don't want to hear this, it's obvious by your posts, but this guy is using you both (there may be even more women you don't know about). You're not going to be the magic pill that makes him stop this behavior - it works too well for him and he has nothing to lose as long as you all put up with it.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Because you demanded it or you were going to walk. It's just a word to him - it's easy for him to give it to you. It's obvious he's not taking it seriously, if he's "growing his relationship" with the other chick. Well when we were seeing each other, our relationship was always complicated and i got tired of it so i demanded the title because it didnt make any sense, and i told him forget it all and i thought were he was at in life that he wanted to settle down with someone and he chose me..but they always talk about friendship, isnt that okay to grow within there friendship? Why does he want it so much, or ben over backwards to get her approval and in his life if he has me? thats so confusing. No, that doesn't mean that he doesn't want her. It meant that he wanted to have sex with other women without losing her in the process. And committed? You were sleeping with him while he had a girlfriend, and now he's got the ex girlfriend on a string while he sleeps with you. That's not committment. I know you don't want to hear this, it's obvious by your posts, but this guy is using you both (there may be even more women you don't know about). You're not going to be the magic pill that makes him stop this behavior - it works too well for him and he has nothing to lose as long as you all put up with it. So he didnt want to lose her...so he got with me. Well why did he get with me if he wants to sleep with other women? HE could have let me go too. That doesnt make sense to me, he can let her go but not me? I thought he wanted the commitment, he started taking me around his friends, i started going over there every night..doesnt that mean something? he tells me he loves me everyday and how he missed me, and how i make him better. That doesnt mean anything? I thought men dont make girlfriends just to make girlfriends. If this is true why is he so honest with her and not me?
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 That doesnt mean anything? I thought men dont make girlfriends just to make girlfriends. If this is true why is he so honest with her and not me? Men definitely make girlfriends just to make girlfriends - especially if it gets them daily sex. Listen to what he says - he tells his ex that he's: "he wanted to play the field and that he didnt want to hurt her bc right now he was going to cheat on her at this stage in his life, and he didnt want to do that to her." Then he tells you he loves you. he was begging her, and telling her he wasnt going to let her go, But he calls you his girlfriend. I don't know what else to tell you. You really need to think about this, and not just keep rephrasing things to be what you want to hear. Men will tell you exactly what's going on if you listen. Here's what he said: "I don't want to have a relationship with you, but I want to sleep with you. My girlfriend found out about you, because you came over to my house, and I made a good show of "doing the right thing" for her and took some space so that I could cheat with a clean conscience. Since you wanted to be my girlfriend so badly, I will call you that and tell you I love you - so that you don't get mad because I'm still trying to keep my ex close to me so that I can have her back when I'm tired of you. I like having you around because you believe everything I say and are willing to put all of the work into our relationship. When you stop doing that, I will make up with my girlfriend, tell her I've changed my ways and forget about you." Seriously! Read what you wrote - it's all there.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Men definitely make girlfriends just to make girlfriends - especially if it gets them daily sex. Listen to what he says - he tells his ex that he's: Then he tells you he loves you. But he calls you his girlfriend.. I get you. But seriously I thought he was telling her all that so he could be with me he didnt want to hurt her feelings, thats what i was thinking, like telling her he was going to cheat, etc, etc. to be with me because he wanted to be with me. I don't know what else to tell you. You really need to think about this, and not just keep rephrasing things to be what you want to hear. Men will tell you exactly what's going on if you listen. Here's what he said: "I don't want to have a relationship with you, but I want to sleep with you. My girlfriend found out about you, because you came over to my house, and I made a good show of "doing the right thing" for her and took some space so that I could cheat with a clean conscience. Since you wanted to be my girlfriend so badly, I will call you that and tell you I love you - so that you don't get mad because I'm still trying to keep my ex close to me so that I can have her back when I'm tired of you. I like having you around because you believe everything I say and are willing to put all of the work into our relationship. When you stop doing that, I will make up with my girlfriend, tell her I've changed my ways and forget about you." Seriously! Read what you wrote - it's all there. Wow! I never saw it like that. I thought that he started falling in love with me and thats when he wanted to commit to me. But time is everything i thought, he spends alot of time with me, and he keeps my picture up, plus other things, so to me that was important. thats crazy, so thats what all that says, is that like a man code or something, because i didnt see that he said that in that. One question though, if he didnt really care, why would he care if i got mad or not? And why wont he tell me the truth?, its easy for him to tell that girl everything.
jcster Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I guess it's man code - but it's also taken from the quotes that you posted on this site. Read back through your posts from this new perspective - because you shouldn't necessarily take my word for it. The reason you're not seeing it is because you are too close to the situation and too happy that you've finally got what you wanted. I wouldn't want to see it either. if he didnt really care, why would he care if i got mad or not? And why wont he tell me the truth? Because he has a good thing going on and he wants to keep sleeping with you. its easy for him to tell that girl everything. He's probably not telling her the entire truth either.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 I guess it's man code - but it's also taken from the quotes that you posted on this site. Read back through your posts from this new perspective - because you shouldn't necessarily take my word for it. The reason you're not seeing it is because you are too close to the situation and too happy that you've finally got what you wanted. I wouldn't want to see it either.. You may be right. i love him so much. and he makes me happy when im with him all the time. Because he has a good thing going on and he wants to keep sleeping with you. He's probably not telling her the entire truth either. Even if we dont have sex everyday, because we definately dont. I was telling my friend all the things that was going on and she always says im miss right now, and i never understood that. ive seen emails where he told this girl which is supposedely also his bestfriend about 'something to do" and how he isnt settling down no time soon, and she was like yes she knows, and then they start talking about their goals and other things, its crazy to me, and again i thought he was just telling her he didnt want to settle down because he didnt want to hurt her feelings, because he settled down with me. he told her a relationship with me is a different definition than a relationship with her, i try and decode what he says but iguess you decoded it already.
italianchica Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Your allowing your love for him to blind you to what he really is. Basically, you're waiting for his "potential" to come out and greet you - but in reality - you're prolonging his control over you and your emotions. Your actions say to him: Treat me like a doormat, don't respect me, make yourself happy, I'll be right over here in this corner - and this is exactly what he's doing. I don't think he knows what he wants. Seems to me, he has the best of both worlds, and unless you and the ex cut some strings then he'll just continue being selfish. You question the small gestures and the sweet words, like these things are ENOUGH proof for you that he indeed loves you and only you. Yet, everything is screaming differently. Men tell you how they feel about you through their actions. If it doesn't add up to their words - the huge red flags should be waving in front of your eyes Believe in the abundence of the universe. There are many, many men out there who would treat you with the respect you deserve, give you the love you need, and shower you with the attention you desire. This man is broken. It's time to stop trying to figure him out. Give him the boot and show him that you're no longer his good for now girl. A nice wake up call would do him some good.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Your allowing your love for him to blind you to what he really is. Basically, you're waiting for his "potential" to come out and greet you - but in reality - you're prolonging his control over you and your emotions. Your actions say to him: Treat me like a doormat, don't respect me, make yourself happy, I'll be right over here in this corner - and this is exactly what he's doing. I don't think he knows what he wants. Seems to me, he has the best of both worlds, and unless you and the ex cut some strings then he'll just continue being selfish. So when he tells people im his girlfriend and taking me around his friends? Isnt that showing his love? Because he wants other people to know that im his girlfriend? You question the small gestures and the sweet words, like these things are ENOUGH proof for you that he indeed loves you and only you. Yet, everything is screaming differently. Men tell you how they feel about you through their actions. If it doesn't add up to their words - the huge red flags should be waving in front of your eyes. But like I said above, i thought by him telling his friends, he has gone out with my family before, he tells people im his girlfriend, and he has me over every night along with keeping my pictures and cards up. Isnt that saying he loves me and only me? Or is that too just because? I thought men doesnt spend time with women EVERYNIGHT just because. I thought time was alot to them and that telling people was something too. Am I wrong? Believe in the abundence of the universe. There are many, many men out there who would treat you with the respect you deserve, give you the love you need, and shower you with the attention you desire. This man is broken. It's time to stop trying to figure him out. Give him the boot and show him that you're no longer his good for now girl. A nice wake up call would do him some good. You said good for now? So thats what you get from this too?
jcster Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 But like I said above, i thought by him telling his friends, he has gone out with my family before, he tells people im his girlfriend, and he has me over every night along with keeping my pictures and cards up. Isnt that saying he loves me and only me? Or is that too just because? I thought men doesnt spend time with women EVERYNIGHT just because. I thought time was alot to them and that telling people was something too. Am I wrong? Some guys do the boyfriend thing really well. They feel comfortable in that role, they know what to do, they know how to keep you happy. They LIKE to be boyfriends. That doesn't mean they're in love with you. The way you got together, the way he won't let go of the ex, the way he won't confide in you - these are the things that we are pointing out to you. He might wear the boyfriend crown really well, that doesn't make him a king.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Some guys do the boyfriend thing really well. They feel comfortable in that role, they know what to do, they know how to keep you happy. They LIKE to be boyfriends. That doesn't mean they're in love with you. The way you got together, the way he won't let go of the ex, the way he won't confide in you - these are the things that we are pointing out to you. He might wear the boyfriend crown really well, that doesn't make him a king. So men can be boyfriends but not love you, but can tell you they love me, why is it so easy for him to tell me that everyday, and that he misses me everyday. I used to tell him all the time and i will never forget the day he said he started loving me so much too, i was so happy, and thats when it started at first he didnt want to be committed but then i was like well im going to go and he said okay, i was so happy. He confides in me about some stuff but im not going to lie it seems that him and that girl talk about alot of stuff, and that they do mean something to each other, but i just thought it was friends since they was always talking about friends in there emails. What exactly is a right now? my friend tells me all thetime that she is ms. right and im ms. right now, he just waiting until he come to her level.
jcster Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I used to tell him all the time and i will never forget the day he said he started loving me so much too, i was so happy, and thats when it started at first he didnt want to be committed but then i was like well im going to go and he said okay, Love isn't a switch you turn on and off. He went from not interested in a relationship to perfect boyfriend (complete with I Love You's) right when you decided to leave. This is manipulation. Just because he does a good job of it doesn't mean he's sincere.
Author lovedinflorida Posted July 19, 2007 Author Posted July 19, 2007 Love isn't a switch you turn on and off. He went from not interested in a relationship to perfect boyfriend (complete with I Love You's) right when you decided to leave. This is manipulation. Just because he does a good job of it doesn't mean he's sincere. Well he said I love you before but now he says it everyday! He said he didnt want a relationship because of the walls he built but he says now i make him feel better. Are those just lines?
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