How do you just. stop. thinking..?

[uniqueone]

Because he has since admitted it and a mutual friend let the cat out of the bag when I asked.

 

This is not aimed at anyone here but I've had this all fcking day today. I wish people would stop fcking implying how neurotic I am when I know I am not. He was screwing his fcking ex-wife behind my back because I wasn't enough for him because he's a lying cheating shyte.

 

Okay.

 

Chinook, they DON'T screw someone else because you're not enough for them. They do that because they're damaged. It has to do with them.

[Chinook]

Chinook, they DON'T screw someone else because you're not enough for them. They do that because they're damaged. It has to do with them.

I know Uniqueone, I'm sorry. I have very little patience right now. I can barely see through the pain of knowing that someone walked into my life whom I loved and trusted and he's treated me with so much disrespect and now this.

[uniqueone]

I know Uniqueone, I'm sorry. I have very little patience right now. I can barely see through the pain of knowing that someone walked into my life whom I loved and trusted and he's treated me with so much disrespect and now this.

 

But at least it makes you get angry and anger helps you to get over them. Aren't you glad to be rid of someone like that? What you're mourning is the loss of what you thought he was. Your mourning that image you created of him at the beginning when the chemicals that are released during the attraction phase blind us to any flaws.

 

You're feeling like you can't trust your own judgement anymore. Some of what you thought was reality was really a lie. That's very disorienting and that's why you're feeling so vulnerable. You lost trust and that's made you afraid which is a feeling of weakness and you don't like feeling weak.

 

You need to process this....your brain needs to play catch up between what it thought was the truth at the time and the information it is finding out now. You'll go back to moments in the past and say "aha" as your mind will make sense out of things that didn't quite piece together at the time (because of lies). It'll take time but you'll get through this, Chinook.

[Chinook]

Amazingly, in the title of this thread I was searching for answers of how to stop thinking about him. I have found those answers today - well, last night actually.

 

When I was sick with cancer I learned to self-hypnotise, where you meditate to such a deep state and you let your mind wander until it empties. For the first time in months. I did that last night. I simply blocked out the white noise of life, silenced HIS voice and all the things he'd said AND my own voice and everything I HOPED wasn't true. Instead, I then let my mind play over the EVIDENCE of my relationship with him in the last 7 months. The imagery, the sounds, the feelings. Slowly I catalogued them in my deep brain and looked through it like a book.

 

Now, the same as with any book we 'READ' we gain an understanding or come to a conclusion. I reached a blinding conclusion last night. It has answered ALL my doubts, ALL my questions and it has finally SILENCED my inner voice from asking WHY.

 

The blinding realisation....?

 

He didn't cheat on me with his ex wife.

 

He had simply never left her to start with.

 

In the true style of a sociopathic NPD person, he sees his wife as the 'angel' and therefore untouchable and so he's unable to engage her in physical sex (and that was very prevalent in our relationship to start with). So for the somatic physical NPD person, that need has to be met elsewhere. Enter, the whore (in his mind)...

 

... and that ladies and gentlemen is what allowed him to treat me so badly.

 

So, this evening the poison of asking 'why' has been answered. There is no reason 'why'. I did nothing wrong. I gave as much as I could. I literally worshipped the ground he walked on. Too much probably. Now, he's gone. For good. It's literally like he's dead to me now. That's how cold towards him I feel.

 

So, uniqueone, you could say - finally - the brain caught up. All of last night and today have been spent with a lot of "aha" moments happening. He simply had never left her.... even though he told me he was single. Don't even get me started on the weird set up they had of him staying in one house half the week and then staying with her the rest of the week. They had two houses because they were supposedly separated and getting divorced. But he told me at the start, he'd always kept his own house. Makes me wonder just how many women he has done this to. So he simply demonised me in his head as being his 'dirty' girl. That's all I was and it answers ALOT of issues I had and ALOT of things which happened.

 

Things like --

** He never took or had any photos of me.

** I was entered into his phone as Runner-Chinook

** He called me a whore with such ease that time because that's what he saw

** He tried to get me to do anal sex because that's what he wanted and couldn't ask his wife to do it

** I never met any of his friends or family in 7 months

** Constant gas-lighting and lies

 

Jeesh the list is endless when I start thinking about it, so I'm gonna stop.

 

I'm done now.

 

Now I can heal.

[Slippy72]

Hey Chinook, it's really good to hear you speaking so positively, especially after the rough time you've had the past week.

 

If he's really gone from your thoughts, don't let him back in. It seems as though you're finally seeing him for what he was so keep that in mind and never doubt your perception of him from now on!

 

Good on you!

[Chinook]

Hey Chinook, it's really good to hear you speaking so positively, especially after the rough time you've had the past week.

 

If he's really gone from your thoughts, don't let him back in. It seems as though you're finally seeing him for what he was so keep that in mind and never doubt your perception of him from now on!

 

Good on you!

You know what, that is surprisingly easy. I have a very strong moral code. I once told him (this was when we were just friends and before a relationship began and even before I knew his marital status as being supposedly "single") that I would no more enter into an affair than poke my own eyes out with a fork. So you know... actually he's done me a favour because when he enters my mind now, I automatically feel DIRTY. So I actually then start to think re-affirming positive self-thoughts about me and I actually actively PUSH HIM OUT of my mind. So, I kinda started doing that without even thinking about it. Human mind is really quite amazing. What's more when I realised what he actually is like and what the situation actually has been - I INSTANTLY stopped feeling any emotional pain. It was like everything instantly drained away and I felt for the first time in months "I'm gonna be okay"

[iamTHROUGH]

Chinook, I have been reading your thread. You seem like such a strong person.

 

In the true style of a sociopathic NPD person, he sees his wife as the 'angel' and therefore untouchable and so he's unable to engage her in physical sex (and that was very prevalent in our relationship to start with). So for the somatic physical NPD person, that need has to be met elsewhere. Enter, the whore (in his mind)...

 

... and that ladies and gentlemen is what allowed him to treat me so badly.

 

I cried when I read this. Seriously. Because this is exactly how my ex of 2 years treated me. And anyone that has been in this position and comes to this realization understands how horrible it is. I was his whore. It just hurts...

[Chinook]

Chinook, I have been reading your thread. You seem like such a strong person.

 

I cried when I read this. Seriously. Because this is exactly how my ex of 2 years treated me. And anyone that has been in this position and comes to this realization understands how horrible it is. I was his whore. It just hurts...

 

Thankyou.

 

You know what... it shouldn't hurt you. You know why...?

 

YOU did nothing wrong.

 

As for me....

 

I couldn't give a fck if he 'saw' me as a whore. You know why...? Someone who is MORE than capable of gassing a highly educated woman like myself is definitely more than capable of deluding himself and his sick mind into thinking I was 'dirty' when in fact, I was nothing of the sort. I never have been and I never will be. I am not perfect but I am a good person. I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life; I work in the caring professions and I always go out my way to help people. I am so FAR from the whore stereotype that it's laughable now, looking back, how he TRIED to turn me into that. Buying me lacy black underwear FFS!!! Stuff that he knew would make me uncomfy. I only EVER wear white underwear. Anyhow, I digress...

 

What's more. I did nothing wrong. I entered the relationship as his girlfriend. I entered the relationship as a partner. He never once treated me that way now I look back. But it wasn't ME lying to everyone else and to myself. It wasn't me CHEATING on my wife of 7 years. It wasn't me manipulating and pulling the situation all over the place.

 

MY integrity and my dignity are intact. I can hold my head up high and spit in his face and not flinch and I shall do exactly that next time (if ever) I see him. He doesn't deserve a single more moment of my life EVER. I'm simply writing my reactions here for both posterity and to help anyone else who feels the same.

 

Further more, I don't hate him. I feel nothing for him now. I have always said the opposite to love is not hate, it is indifference and I got there incredibly quickly today. Only time will tell in the coming days whether I stay in that place but.... I'm thinking I may well do so.

[uniqueone]

Chinook, I'm so glad to hear you've had this breakthrough. Yes, it happens as your brain catches up and processes things and that's why you hear it said that "it takes time". It's not just the fact of letting minutes go by. If you were knocked out for a month and awoke you'd still be in the same place as you were before. But it's the processing of all that's happened, all the information, feelings, events that took place......seeing things from an outside perspective instead of someone emeshed in an emotional grip.

 

I do want to caution you though....while you have had an epiphany, don't think that you can't have setbacks. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back for awhile. Just be prepared, should that happen.

[tinke]

chinook..so now you know. now you have something to grasp that makes sense. the more i read on here, the more i am learning in MANY cases, a quick exit from the ex with little regard, usually indicates...there is someone else! mine had absolutely no need to talk with me, return calls, etc. just done! (after many yrs.)

also, i am learning that it is their flaw, lack of character in which they did things....no sense of right/wrong, concern, any emotion!

good, you hold your head high, know you did what you could, even afterwards, you tried to contact him for explanantion..you cannot do anymore.

i don't know what goes on in people's heads when they can so easily walk away. i cannot fathom doing that in a long relationship. i would at least talk about things first, get my concerns out in the open, i would feel so tremendously guilty to just walk away. and what's worse, to ignore all contact...

i don't know how people are able to do this. can someone give their side who was able to do this??

anyway chinook, you will begin piecing the puzzle together, and surely have new revelations. i do feel better than from the initial start, but still at times, i am in disbelief...is this really happening?

what is sad is the way in which we viewed the status of the relationship, only to learn...there was someone else sparking his interest. of course, the negatives are us then. that initial attention in the begining can be very alluring.

hang in there, keep posting. don't be surprised by a wave of emotions.

take care.

[uniqueone]

Chinook, this may be an oldie, but it's timeless, so I thought I'd post it to you:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhD3xazAaxU

 

Hope it helps!

[Chinook]

I do want to caution you though....while you have had an epiphany, don't think that you can't have setbacks. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back for awhile. Just be prepared, should that happen.

I know. I think the process may be a lot easier from here though. I realise there is still an awful lot of hurt inside me and there will be residual issues relating to trust and moving on. But my main problem was where to get started with it all. You see, when someone says to you "it's over" it's not really that statement which hurts. Of course you realise yourself it's probably over and there's no going back. What hurts is you never really know why and reaching forward to the ex for answers rarely works because all they do is lie to you and give you the runaround - especially if there is someone else. So it was always clear that the closure had to come from me. I just wasn't ever sure where to get started with it. It wasn't because his feelings changed because in my heart I knew he was cold and imitating me all along (hindsight is wonderful huh..?!) so it wasn't that. But it had to be something to take him away from where he had previously put in quite a lot of effort. The only thing I could think of was either a) someone new who he could start again with or b) someone he already knew who he didn't have to make the same effort with. When I learned that he'd attended the race with his wife and daughter. It kinda pricked my brain into subconsciously waking up to the situation. That's where it came from.

[Chinook]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped me in the last 3-4 weeks. This board has been an enormous help. I'm going to be away tomorrow for the weekend so I won't be online so much (so just letting you guys know so you don't worry)

 

C x

[Slippy72]

I second what uniqueone said, be careful. But it's so good to see you back on your feet somewhat, today has been a better day for me too actually.

[Chinook]

I second what uniqueone said, be careful. But it's so good to see you back on your feet somewhat, today has been a better day for me too actually.

I think it will be good for me to be with friends for the weekend. I'm going to a social event at the running club on Friday (this is where I met the ex) so that might be hard, but a lot of my friends will be there too. Hopefully it won't be too difficult and I don't plan to drink too much so that I can't get emotional and upset. I'm feeling okay - rather sublime really today.

[AriaIncognito]

Chinook -

 

It's great to read your thread going from absolute dispair and coming through to the other side feeling "good". No, it's not good that you had to feel dispair, but it's reassuring to those of us going through it, that one day we too will how our epiphany and feel better about it all.

 

I've been having quite a setback today. I wanted to contact him after being triggered by another negative event, but I haven't. I'll probably post in the thread about "post here instead of contacting your ex" regarding how I'm feeling, but I wanted to reach out to your thread and just say how proud I was and how strong I think, no, i KNOW, you are.

 

Like they say, that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. I think that's truly the case in many of our worlds...

[9Lives]

chinook, you are in the very early stages, the pain is unbearable. i can recall just staring off re-living every word said, etc., looking for answers. but like you, i knew he was gone and it made no sense to contact him.

please trust, it WILL get better. i am by no means healed, but, i do not think of him constantly anymore. yes, i miss him. but, i miss the person i thought i knew, i do not know nor like this new being.

have you tried to change things up...move furniture, etc?

i discarded everything visible that reminded me of my ex, it has helped.

also, when i thought of him 24/7 in the begining, i would stop myself..stating THIS IS OBSESSIVE! i have not come around fully yet, but, i can say, i am no longer physically ill, and i am able to divert my thoughts more, and actually begin to have some motivation on some projects.

something else that helped me in the early stages was...stop! he is NOT thinking of you!

as i've said, it is a struggle, and i can identify with your current status..but believe, in time, it will become less intense.

hang in there...work may get your mind busy again. take care!

 

This was a good message for me. I am in alot of pain and crying all the time. I am crying now. I just miss him tremondously. It is good to know this aching in my body is going to stop one day and I will not be so hurt inside. I am not going to try to contact him or see him so I guess doing those things help alot too. Thanks for the message.

[Chinook]

I spent the weekend with my friends. I don't know, I kinda felt like I was in no-man's-land. I went out Friday evening and we all drank some wine and people asked how I was, and I told them...and I cried. I was hugged and told it would hurt less as time went on. It does hurt less as time goes on.

 

I relooked through some old emails today... just emails to friends in response to their asking me how I was doing etc. I had so much pain not so long ago. Right now, it doesn't feel so painful. I'm tired and sad but I've reached a point of knowing he wasn't good to me or for me. I've also reached a point of realising that this whole decision to get into this previous relationship was a symptom of a bigger problem (bad choices). I don't really understand or know what that problem is right now, but I'm hoping that with time it will become clearer.

[frd150]

Chinook,

 

I still cry all the time. Its a good realease.

 

If she only knew, If I could only tell her without pushing her away.

 

Its a little clearer but still quite foggy.

 

Big hugs to you Chinook. Im glad for your clearity.

[Chinook]

Chinook,

 

I still cry all the time. Its a good realease.

 

If she only knew, If I could only tell her without pushing her away.

 

Its a little clearer but still quite foggy.

 

Big hugs to you Chinook. Im glad for your clearity.

Thanks FRD. I know weeping is a good release. It's very few and far between these days. I saw my Doc on Wednesday and he's referred me to a counsellor. He said he didn't think I was depressed (yet) but that there are an awful lot of issues which are probably unresolved. I'm hoping the counsellor will help with the clarity. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I have to try though.

[Chinook]

I've been having quite a setback today. I wanted to contact him after being triggered by another negative event, but I haven't. I'll probably post in the thread about "post here instead of contacting your ex" regarding how I'm feeling, but I wanted to reach out to your thread and just say how proud I was and how strong I think, no, i KNOW, you are.

 

Like they say, that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. I think that's truly the case in many of our worlds...

Thankyou. I just hope that things have improved a little for you too. There are quite a number of us here who seem to be going through this at the same time. As Uniqueone and Slippy cautioned though, despite the epiphany last week and coming out the other side, it's still a rollercoaster of up and down. There are less tears at the moment and more numbness and I'm finding the latter more preferable to absolute pain. I hope that you too are feeling better and are taking each day slowly and steadily.

[9Lives]

Thankyou. There are less tears at the moment and more numbness and I'm finding the latter more preferable to absolute pain. I hope that you too are feeling better and are taking each day slowly and steadily.

 

I called this 'GOING THRU THE MOTIONS'. It is like you are doing what you have to do to make it thru the day but deep down inside you are numb and just trying to get to the other side where you feel okay again. It is crazy. That is how I felt most of this week. I feel somewhat better today.

 

Dont feel bad. I cry all the time too. But I have decided to go ahead and cry cause that is part of me healing. I need to cry. I just let myself cry until the tears stop coming. Then I do what I have to do after that. It is what I do to deal with the hurts

 

I think about if he calls or if I see him, what will I say. I know I will. I REALLY REALLY REALLY dont want to see him. I will be jacked up. I tried it....not good

[9Lives]

You guys you know, you helped me alot recently. But sometimes it feels so hard. Sometimes even though I know all the answers I still find my heart and my mind asking 'why?' you know..?

 

It's hurting pretty badly at the moment and I just want it to stop. I wish I could get some hypnosis or a bang on the head which would induce amnesia or something. I just really need him wiped out of my head, just so I can go on. I can't believe how much of myself I gave. I can't believe how much of my heart he took. You know..? I can't stand this pain any more. It's too much. How do you just STOP FEELING it..? I really would like to know that because it's too much already.

 

Chinook, I love to read your posting cause they remind me so much of my own feelings. The reason why it hurts so much is because ......YOU WERE SINCERELY INLOVE WITH HIM. That is why. When you really love someone and you give them your all. It hurts like hell when they are gone. I have never loved anyone like I loved him. He was my heart and I did not want to let go. I just had to. I was doing things that was making the R worst cause I did not want to lose him and it was making things worst so I gave in to the direction it was going. That is why I cried all the time and still some now....I did not want to end the R. I wanted to stay with him. But he is gone and I should not have been with him in the first place. So I just cry and believe what everyone is saying....it will get better. I believe it will.

[Chinook]

I think about if he calls or if I see him, what will I say. I know I will. I REALLY REALLY REALLY dont want to see him. I will be jacked up. I tried it....not good

Ahh, I don't have that at least. I really won't want him to call or see him. It will wreck everything if I do. But that said, there's 160 miles between us, no real reason for me to see him or for him to call me. It would have to be some way out coincidence which brought us into contact with each other now.

 

But yeah, going through the motions is how it is. It hurts less. The tears hurt, of course they do...but thankfully there is no way of stopping them when they do come. So I don't. I just let them fall and when they stop, I do what I have to do to get through the next bit of the day.

 

Thankyou for saying how it is with you too. It feels less lonely when other people describe how they feel too.

[9Lives]

But yeah, going through the motions is how it is. It hurts less. The tears hurt, of course they do...but thankfully there is no way of stopping them when they do come. So I don't. I just let them fall and when they stop, I do what I have to do to get through the next bit of the day.

 

Like i said before...you sound like me. I am not ashamed of my tears. It is what it is.

 

 

Thankyou for saying how it is with you too. It feels less lonely when other people describe how they feel too.

 

Yeah your posting have helped me. I am like you in the sense that I get up from bad times. THis was a very bad time, this time.....I got my heart broken for the first time. Not good. So I just want to get away. If I see him I want to not be where I am now. I want to be better and stronger so I can make it. Meaning not be sad or cry or have a meltdown