How do you just. stop. thinking..?

[Chinook]

No way, don't do that, don't break the NC.

Nah, don't worry. I'm not going to mail it back to him. He doesn't deserve the price of a first class stamp! But I can't seem to throw it away either. I am going to have to put it away. I've put it in my "inbox" thing - you know the thing where all the bills come in and you'll file them one day..? I shoved it at the bottom of the pile. I did a bill-sorting-morning around a week ago...so maybe next year when I do the next one, I'll feel strong enough to throw it away. {sigh}

[Slippy72]

Nah, don't worry. I'm not going to mail it back to him. He doesn't deserve the price of a first class stamp! But I can't seem to throw it away either. I am going to have to put it away. I've put it in my "inbox" thing - you know the thing where all the bills come in and you'll file them one day..? I shoved it at the bottom of the pile. I did a bill-sorting-morning around a week ago...so maybe next year when I do the next one, I'll feel strong enough to throw it away. {sigh}

 

Good idea, just maintain strong willpower and when you're tempted to look at them, think about all the negative things to do with your ex you can. That's what works for me.

[frd150]

Nah, don't worry. I'm not going to mail it back to him. He doesn't deserve the price of a first class stamp! But I can't seem to throw it away either. I am going to have to put it away. I've put it in my "inbox" thing - you know the thing where all the bills come in and you'll file them one day..? I shoved it at the bottom of the pile. I did a bill-sorting-morning around a week ago...so maybe next year when I do the next one, I'll feel strong enough to throw it away. {sigh}

 

That is exactly where i found the cards in my house and i did the same thing. I was shredding old bills when i came across them. I actually had the first card in the shredder but i could not bring myself to do it. So i left some old bills in the box so as to camoflauge the cards.

 

I read your card quote above. I have to admitt that i was not much of a poet prior to this but the breakup has caused me to become more articulate with how i feel. Some good from the bad i guess. I would write things in her card that i thought were meaningfull and loving but i seemed to fall short. I majored in marketing not english. Numbers not words. But i have become wiser with my words.

 

Like you i tried to be the best with what i knew at the time.

 

Chin up Chinook:)

[Slippy72]

That is exactly where i found the cards in my house and i did the same thing. I was shredding old bills when i came across them. I actually had the first card in the shredder but i could not bring myself to do it. So i left some old bills in the box so as to camoflauge the cards.

 

I read your card quote above. I have to admitt that i was not much of a poet prior to this but the breakup has caused me to become more articulate with how i feel. Some good from the bad i guess. I would write things in her card that i thought were meaningfull and loving but i seemed to fall short. I majored in marketing not english. Numbers not words. But i have become wiser with my words.

 

Like you i tried to be the best with what i knew at the time.

 

Chin up Chinook:)

 

It's what you write, not how you write it So basically, doesn't matter if you're not a whizz with words, as long as you say everything you want to say you'll feel better for it. Atleast I have in my experience.

 

Sorry to go off-topic there slightly, but Chinook I was in the same position as you a couple of months back, finding all these old memories and I can honestly sit here and say now that it does get better. People told me that at the time and I didn't believe them but it's true.

 

Like frd150 said, chin up! As our situations seem pretty similar, I'll try and help as best as I can.

[Chinook]

You guys you know, you helped me alot recently. But sometimes it feels so hard. Sometimes even though I know all the answers I still find my heart and my mind asking 'why?' you know..?

 

It's hurting pretty badly at the moment and I just want it to stop. I wish I could get some hypnosis or a bang on the head which would induce amnesia or something. I just really need him wiped out of my head, just so I can go on. I can't believe how much of myself I gave. I can't believe how much of my heart he took. You know..? I can't stand this pain any more. It's too much. How do you just STOP FEELING it..? I really would like to know that because it's too much already.

[Slippy72]

This isn't the answer you want to hear, but there's no way to suddenly make it dissapear. I felt exactly the same as you and this may be a pretty taboo subject on here, but I was close to ending it all. Whilst there's no way of just making it go away all of sudden (unless you were prescribed anti depressants to ease the pain, though I wouldn't recommend them) there are ways to make it easier.

 

When it happened to me, all I wanted was to forget about her forever. Forget she ever existed. I presume you feel the same. Right now, if there's anything, anything at all to take your mind of it for a bit, then do it. No matter what it is. But it's also good to feel the feelings you have, there's no point bottling it all up, if you want to cry, then cry your eyes out.

 

When you talk about it and write it down, does that make you feel any better?

[Chinook]

I felt exactly the same as you and this may be a pretty taboo subject on here, but I was close to ending it all.

You know, there are a lot of things I've been through in life.... losing my Dad, losing my first partner, having a broken back and learning to walk again, being diagnosed with cancer, losing a precious child.... AFTER ALL OF THAT, I thought life had cut me a break you know..?! I thought that it was my turn to come good with stuff. The guy I was in a relationship with... he made me believe that this was it, it was for real...when in fact it was all an illusion. Everything which went before and everything since, has just made me think 'wtf is the point any more...? I'm sick and ****ing tired of life teaching me lessons'.

 

When it happened to me, all I wanted was to forget about her forever. Forget she ever existed. I presume you feel the same. Right now, if there's anything, anything at all to take your mind of it for a bit, then do it. No matter what it is. But it's also good to feel the feelings you have, there's no point bottling it all up, if you want to cry, then cry your eyes out.

 

When you talk about it and write it down, does that make you feel any better?

It makes me feel better for so long. It depends. The days just seem never ending. I just want some way of shutting him out. Shutting the whole of the last 9 months out. I don't want to have to go through this to learn a ****ing lesson about trusting and losing someone. I don't need it. I've already learned it. I don't need telling that I'm going to get hurt again and again if I take the risk. I already know now, I will NEVER take the risk again. Two years ago I described myself and the way I felt as being calm because my heart and soul were locked down, outside of life, floating in the ethereal darkness beyond the wonder of human emotion. I sincerely wish I was back there.

[frd150]

You guys you know, you helped me alot recently. But sometimes it feels so hard. Sometimes even though I know all the answers I still find my heart and my mind asking 'why?' you know..?

 

It's hurting pretty badly at the moment and I just want it to stop. I wish I could get some hypnosis or a bang on the head which would induce amnesia or something. I just really need him wiped out of my head, just so I can go on. I can't believe how much of myself I gave. I can't believe how much of my heart he took. You know..? I can't stand this pain any more. It's too much. How do you just STOP FEELING it..? I really would like to know that because it's too much already.

 

I think that some of us have or most of us on here run off of two thought processes.

 

1. The one where we are hurting and would give anything to be with or rid of the memory of our exs. In this we are not thinking with a clear head. We are consumed with our own personall pain and will look for help anywhere we can get it.

 

 

 

2. The one where we are logical. Where we can step outside of our misery to help others. We give advice that we should should be taking ourselve.Medicine, easier given than taken. Unless its flavored with fruity grape goodness;). One thing is true for me, It is theraputic to help others. If my miserable experience can help someone else then i can smile. I was helped tremendously by some great people here(you know who you are). "Pay it forward" as the saying goes.

 

 

Chinook,

 

Its ok to feel weak sometimes despite your strength. Your human and you have emotions or else you would not be here. Do not think any less of yourself because you have down days cuz we don't. Feel weak and we will help, feel strong so you can help others.

 

Frd.

[Slippy72]

I know, I too have learnt my lesson and am still going through pain. Not as much as you though, and I feel very very sorry for you.

 

You listed all the things that have gone for you in the past in your last post. Initially after reading that I felt sorry for you, then it turned to admiration, you've been through all that and you're still here fighting. I know I'm not as strong as you.

 

Look around too, there's loads of people here that have come out the other end a stronger person. It may seem like I'm making this up but I'm not, it DOES get better.

[Chinook]

it turned to admiration, you've been through all that and you're still here fighting. I know I'm not as strong as you.

 

I know but sometimes, maybe life throws us just too many hurdles you know...? I dunno, I have NEVER been beaten by ANYTHING. But sometimes, I just feel like enough is enough now. I'm only 37 and yet, I've been through more in those 37 years than anyone should have to endure. It doesn't feel fair to have to keep going. I'm angry and disappointed that life seems to just have fun with me and I feel .... 'is this all my life is...? a joke to some higher power some place...?' Human beings can be kicked so many times before they just simply cannot get up any more.

 

I'm tired and exhausted by it all. Really.

[funkybassplayer]

I know but sometimes, maybe life throws us just too many hurdles you know...? I dunno, I have NEVER been beaten by ANYTHING. But sometimes, I just feel like enough is enough now. I'm only 37 and yet, I've been through more in those 37 years than anyone should have to endure. It doesn't feel fair to have to keep going. I'm angry and disappointed that life seems to just have fun with me and I feel .... 'is this all my life is...? a joke to some higher power some place...?' Human beings can be kicked so many times before they just simply cannot get up any more.

 

I'm tired and exhausted by it all. Really.

 

 

Hey, C dont say that, the world needs people like us thats why you beat all the ****, and are still here. Be strong, dont let a ****face take away all the great thing life has to offer. Just look at the sky, or a tree.

[Chinook]

Hey, C dont say that, the world needs people like us thats why you beat all the ****, and are still here.

I know. The bad days are outnumbering the good ones at the moment. It's blue skies here today. All the bloody rain hasn't been helping things either! I'm okay. I never lie down for long! I'm okay. Just a bad night last night.

[funkybassplayer]

I know. The bad days are outnumbering the good ones at the moment. It's blue skies here today. All the bloody rain hasn't been helping things either! I'm okay. I never lie down for long! I'm okay. Just a bad night last night.

 

 

I know what you mean, right now im fighting the urge to send money to her kids for the school hols! I canceled my membership to a dateing site i was on, but this girl who i really like and was chatting with just messaged me again, shes has the most fantastic smile, so i may pay up to read it!! Keep her waiting till this eve, cos thats when ill do it. ! I think b/c its summer and we have lost our ex. I had lots of good stuff planned with her and the kids, as soon as friday hit, i went down to a low, and still feel a little crap.

 

You have my moby if ever you need a chat. I know how you feel, and sometimes i like to talk to some1 too!

[Chinook]

You have my moby if ever you need a chat. I know how you feel, and sometimes i like to talk to some1 too!

I know, thanks. I guess it's not just you - haven't really spoken that much to anyone. I can write about it here. I can make oblique blog posts about it... but just can't seem to talk about it. I think it's because I don't want to openly hurt because that feels even worse.

 

I was reading the Paul McKenna book again this morning and he was saying in there that he had a client who asked to be hypnotised after a break-up and he'd asked to have the memory of his g/f erased so that he could cope alot easier. I've thought about this, thought about asking a hypnotist could they do this. But apparently it wouldn't work because it affects so many other long and short term memories. Just doesn't seem fair that there's no real way to just stop the thinking about them. I can't believe I just have to wait. I know it's early days yet but I'm impatient to heal. I want to feel better now. I don't want to waste my life maudlin away - but I know if I ignore it, it will come back to bite my arse. {sigh}

[funkybassplayer]

But the main thing is that you will remember the crap he put you through, and you will deal with future people who pose the same problems to you in another relationship that you may have, and you will know what to do with them! I wont post out money to her kids, b/c its not my responsibilty anymore, as much as i want to feel part of their lives still, im not, so sending money for them wont help me heal, and will just give her extra cash to go out and booze! Its funny after writing that post the other day about how i felt, it got a lot of anger out, but left me with the emoton that whatevr i loved them all very much, and i really hope she knew this, but i was thinking also, that i left signs of my love all over her house, her daughters room, i gutted floored and painted it, she loved it, her curtain rails i put them up, all the little gifts that i bought her were all personal things, little teddies, and jewllery, and bikes for thier kids, even the tent they will take, i bought it. Perfums i bought for her, all acts of love and giving from the heart, even the mugs i got for her, im sure i will be in her memory alot, even if she tries or pretends to forget, im there, with her still, and she knows it.

[tinke]

funk

i am sure you were a significant being in her life. you did those things out of love and concern, i'm sure she appreciated them. it shows your human/sensitive side. YOU were invested in the relationship, as i bet you will again one day be.

i have been following your threads and you seem to be having some dark days as of late. i truly understand...when i too,feel those, i seek someone to give me a reality check (gently). you have had strong days, and when you have this inner strength and confidence, what you've said makes good sense..try to keep those thoughts in mind during the tough times, also.

she basically non-chalantly tossed you, as painful as that may be (as mine), but it is the bare truth. it helps me to repeat to myself..he doesn't love you!

hope you continue to find that healing strength.

 

CHINOOK, HANG IN THERE. as painful as these times are, they are life's lessons. i know the pain of being discarded without any remorse after a long relationship...it purely sucks! but, in time, i have learned it is part of his raw character (the way in which it was done)...no regard. i will bet it will repeat itself, because i am sure he will continue to be non-communicative with his current, as well. we are not mind readers!

i know from your threads you have had some tough times, (i, too, have had quite the load to embrace), i feel this is what develops our strengths.

you trusted and gave your heart to someone (that in itself is quite the accomplishment!)...ok...but, it turned out to be the wrong person...

don't be hard on yourself. you are going through the normal healing process, and i know the lows are painful...but, there are better times to come...

we don't know how people can treat others the way they do, but, it is in fact THEIR downfall.

just think...how far along you will be months from now... when you think back...haven't you grown already?

[Slippy72]

Haven't been on here much today, which I guess is a good sign. Just wanted to see how you're doing Chinook?

[Chinook]

Haven't been on here much today, which I guess is a good sign. Just wanted to see how you're doing Chinook?

I have to be honest Slippy, I'm still doing pretty badly. It's 1am and I can't sleep. On the nights that I don't drink and pass out, I cry until I'm all cried out. The pain doesn't seem to be getting any better. Yesterday I found his birthday card to me (from April) and I thought it had been binned. That hit hard. Today he did a race that I had paid for. I was supposed to go to the race, but obviously I didn't go. But seeing the race reports on the club forum this afternoon, really bit hard. He was there, with my friends. I was excluded. I just feel kinda empty and sad. It's not getting any better. I know it's only been a month nearly and it's early days yet, but I just want the pain to stop. I keep looking online for something that will help, other than the stupid suggestions of 'stay busy' and 'chocolate' and whatever the hell else people do to get through this. I just can't seem to function properly. I know that I'm gonna have to because I go back to work on Tuesday. I've had 3 weeks holiday with only 2 days in and those were hard. I know I'm going to have to pick myself up from this and keep going, but I just don't know how to. He's all over the place here. Everywhere I put myself in the house, he was here...smiling at me, hugging me, talking to me, watching me bathe, every damn fecking thing I do he's here and his ghost just won't feck off and leave me alone. I don't think I've ever been so miserable. My last break up took me 3 years to get over it. When I feel something for someone, I feel it deeply and I really fell for this guy, well and truly and it's breaking me. I don't know that I can ever do this again. It's too much.

 

[funkybassplayer]

hANG ON IN THERE, C, im doing ok now, i had a down time but i know why, cos its the scholl hols we had loads planned and she will be off for 6 weeks, but i think im over that now. I was busy mixing our new demo (i have a new singer, i finished 4 tracks, there on the website www.bsharpduo.co.uk maybe take a look? We had elvis with us last night too was fun! hang in thier babe, youll be fine, just stick with it. Im as you can c far from healed, but my good days outnumber the bad now, and not the other way around. i have kept control, i could have called easy, and i know she will always talk to me, but i kept strong, thats what you must do. I still feel like sending some cash for the hols though to the kids. iLL see how i feel tomorrow, but i dought i will, only b/c she wont recive it in the way i intend, ie a present to the kids, she will see it as weak, and shes got control agian. Its a shame i feel that way as its something i would have liked to have done.-

[Chinook]

I don't have any inclination to call him or get in touch. Inside I know he's gone. That's what's so painful. I don't know how to describe it I just know that there is no point in any contact because it will only bring me more pain and I can't deal with any more right now. I know that healing is only going to come from within and from myself. He can't help me through this and he doesn't care what happens to me. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow but, the harsh reality is, it is true.

[tinke]

chinook, you are in the very early stages, the pain is unbearable. i can recall just staring off re-living every word said, etc., looking for answers. but like you, i knew he was gone and it made no sense to contact him.

please trust, it WILL get better. i am by no means healed, but, i do not think of him constantly anymore. yes, i miss him. but, i miss the person i thought i knew, i do not know nor like this new being.

have you tried to change things up...move furniture, etc?

i discarded everything visible that reminded me of my ex, it has helped.

also, when i thought of him 24/7 in the begining, i would stop myself..stating THIS IS OBSESSIVE! i have not come around fully yet, but, i can say, i am no longer physically ill, and i am able to divert my thoughts more, and actually begin to have some motivation on some projects.

something else that helped me in the early stages was...stop! he is NOT thinking of you!

as i've said, it is a struggle, and i can identify with your current status..but believe, in time, it will become less intense.

hang in there...work may get your mind busy again. take care!

[Chinook]

chinook, you are in the very early stages, the pain is unbearable. i can recall just staring off re-living every word said, etc., looking for answers. but like you, i knew he was gone and it made no sense to contact him.

Hi Tinke. I know it's early yet. It's hard to explain but I guess, I had shut out the impact of losing him. I can't accurately recall what his face looks like - I know that's my brain trying to protect me. I can't recall what him holding me feels like. But every so often, the occasional time, something will blindside me and I recall something without even thinking about it. Like this evening, I was going to get in the bathtub and I needed something from downstairs and I went to call him to ask him to bring it up, and I realised he isn't there. Then it hit home, he'd never be there ever again. I ended up just sliding down the wall and crumbling into a tear-soaked heap. I didn't want to recall something that would make me feel so bad, but it just happened without me realising.

 

please trust, it WILL get better. i am by no means healed, but, i do not think of him constantly anymore. yes, i miss him. but, i miss the person i thought i knew, i do not know nor like this new being.

I know what you mean. I miss the person that I started out with, the person who loved me then...not the person who he became. I find myself asking what I did wrong for things to fail and to change so drastically. I know I pushed his buttons and I know I'm not blameless. But I was never callous or cold towards him. I never called him names. I never bitched about him or hurt him intentionally.... and yet, he has been able to do all these things without any precluding action on my part. The evening he called me a whore, I ended up apologising for over-reacting. I know he isn't good for me and I know he did me a favour and it would never work out. But the fact that he presented himself as being someone completely different, it really upsets me because I know that person never existed. There were times when he reached right inside me and could hold me with his words, but it all just stopped.

 

have you tried to change things up...move furniture, etc? i discarded everything visible that reminded me of my ex, it has helped.

Yes, I've moved my bedroom around and my lounge. There is very little else I can move around. I was thinking in the bath tonight that maybe I should re-decorate. I already did this once last year but maybe I should give it another try.

 

also, when i thought of him 24/7 in the begining, i would stop myself..stating THIS IS OBSESSIVE! i have not come around fully yet, but, i can say, i am no longer physically ill, and i am able to divert my thoughts more, and actually begin to have some motivation on some projects.

Generally, I would say that I'm pretty good during the day. I can manage it mostly and keep things in check. But very occasionally something like I described above will blindside me and it takes me down. I try not to let it but my heart takes over and I end up weeping.

 

something else that helped me in the early stages was...stop! he is NOT thinking of you!

Hard pill to swallow, but very true and I know he isn't thinking of me. I know he doesn't love me because if he did, we wouldn't be here. He knew how I felt about him and he knew how fragile I was, so he knows what this has likely cost me and yet he went ahead and did it anyhow and walked out of my life. Someone who can wantonly inflict that much pain and damage on someone they supposedly love, is not worth pursuing...that's why I will never contact him. Losing the person I thought he was, and the future I thought we had, that's painful. But it will pass eventually I hope.

 

as i've said, it is a struggle, and i can identify with your current status..but believe, in time, it will become less intense.

hang in there...work may get your mind busy again. take care!

Thankyou, I'm trying. That's why I'm spending so much time here at LS at the moment. I'm gaining comfort from reading the experiences of my peers and the people who have gone before. Sometimes it doesn't help and I have to close the browser, but mostly it does help.

[Chinook]

I have, this morning discovered that he was (is) in fact, seeing someone else. I had not known for sure but he posted on the running club forum about the race he went to yesterday. He posted his thanks to his 'own private support crew' and his daughter running along side him when he finished. This was a race that I had paid for and was supposed to attend. So, it's safe to assume that his daughter was there because her mother took her. Great huh..?

 

To add to that, I feel stupid. It had probably been going on for some time. When we split in April before my birthday he had been a little different afterwards. Certain things now I look back were there - emotional distance etc. I dunno, things were just different.

[uniqueone]

I have, this morning discovered that he was (is) in fact, seeing someone else. I had not known for sure but he posted on the running club forum about the race he went to yesterday. He posted his thanks to his 'own private support crew' and his daughter running along side him when he finished. This was a race that I had paid for and was supposed to attend. So, it's safe to assume that his daughter was there because her mother took her. Great huh..?

 

To add to that, I feel stupid. It had probably been going on for some time. When we split in April before my birthday he had been a little different afterwards. Certain things now I look back were there - emotional distance etc. I dunno, things were just different.

 

 

I'm confused.....how do you know that his own private support crew was a woman he was seeing?

[Chinook]

I'm confused.....how do you know that his own private support crew was a woman he was seeing?

Because he has since admitted it and a mutual friend let the cat out of the bag when I asked.

 

This is not aimed at anyone here but I've had this all fcking day today. I wish people would stop fcking implying how neurotic I am when I know I am not. He was screwing his fcking ex-wife behind my back because I wasn't enough for him because he's a lying cheating shyte.

 

Okay.