Should I take my ex back? My Head and my Heart is in conflict. !

[horizon]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm going through a horrible, time feeling completely indecisive about what the best thing is for me to do about my ex.

 

My ex and I have been together for nearly three years, most of which was long distance. We would see each other every six months. The relationship started off long distance and we grew close very quickly. Within six months from the start of the relationship, we were already talking to each other every day and often several times a day. It was a sweet and loving relationship.

As time went by, the relationship started to deterriorate day by day. She started by being controlling. She would want to know where I was, what I was doing, all the time. I didnt mind it so much because I was working almost all the time on my computer, so keeping in touch with her was not difficult. (I was at the beginning of a new small business). Also, I figured that the distance could have made her more anxious. I treated her with sensitivity all the time and tried my best to keep things going well.

As the months passed, she started to get emotionally and verbally abusive. (She has abusive parents and extended family). And I tried my best to keep her happy, but it just got worse and worse. By the time the relationship was about 1 year and a half old, she was putting me down all the time in conversations and berating me, calling me names and it just got very very hurtful. I was especially hurt because I loved her very much and was always there for her. I even flew to where she was when she wasnt well and I could barely afford it because most of my savings went into my new business.

I just want to point out that I never verbally abused her even when she did, I always tried to talk to her calmly, but it always continued.

By the time it was nearly three years, she finished her studies and came back to my country. That was when I saw her every day face to face. She was emotionally and verbally abusive all the time and it destroyed my self esteem and nearly destroyed my business because I found it hard to work feeling depressed all the time.

I would like to point out that it was not always bad. She would swing from very sweet and loving to this abusive person. We had so many alternating good times and bad times. The good were very good. We had holidays, simple moments and many more. But it always came back to verbal abuse.

 

After about six months of her being back, she wanted me to commit to moving to another city together. So I felt I had to put my foot down and told her that I would only do that if we worked on the relationship, in other words, I wanted her to treat me with love and respect. She got very angry and told me we needed a break. I agreed and asked how long, she said, indefinitely. She also said many bad things to me during that argument that was very hurtful. So I walked away.

Several weeks later she called up pretending everything was normal. It was then that I told her that we should break up. I felt that if she got angry when I asked her to treat me better, it wasnt going to work.

I was devastated because I had waited three years for her to return home from another country only to be faced with all this.

So we parted ways and I said that I needed six months before we could even try to be friends. I needed the time and space to get over her.

During that time, I met someone who was the opposite of her. She treated me well and we got along very well. We could also nearly always talk calmly together when there was a problem and we would almost always work it out.

I didnt commit to this new girl in my life. I told her I had left a 3 year relationship and would need time to heal. So we became good friend and spent alot of good times together whenever we were free. I was attracted to her personality, although I didnt find her as physically attractive as my ex. (although she is still quite attractive)

After six months since the breakup, my ex called me and wanted me back. I also realised when I heard her voice that I still had feelings for her. Also, what I didnt say was throughout the whole time apart from my ex, I found myself thinking about her and missing her all the time and would have to consciously try hard not to think about it.

I met up with my ex to try and get closure, instead, she seemed to have changed abit. Her friends also tell me that she has changed. She begged me to take her back and she said she wanted to work things out.

I was completely torn. My heart still feels for her but my head tells me that she might have changed, but can someone really change? Deep inside I hope that it is possible. But how about his new girl that seems to have such a wonderful personality?

Would I grow to love her like my ex? will I feel more physically attracted once I clear myself of my ex?

 

I'm torn, because I must be fair to myself and the two women. I musnt keep either of them hanging.

 

Please help!

[jcster]

I think you need to ask yourself if you are missing your ex, or if you are missing the drama of your abusive relationship. I can't imagine ever going back into a relationship where abuse has occurred. I don't think people can change that much in 6 months. If you take her back, I think that everything will be fine for a little while, and then she will be worse than she was before.

 

After having experienced years of this abuse, I would urge you to spend some time alone. You need to heal and you also need to figure out WHY you would tolerate that type of treatment. Until you figure this out, you will become susceptible to putting yourself back into that situation again and again.

[horizon]

Thank you jcster for your reply.

Your point about missing the drama is a very good one. I never thought about it that way. I think my acceptance of the abuse is definitely something I need to look into.