my experience with a woman and her male "friends"

[supertouch]

i recently got out of a 5-month relationship with a woman i truly loved.

 

here is the story:

 

about a month after we started dating, she met her usual "drinking group" at a bar. i thought nothing of it. i ended up going to the same bar without knowing that she would be there and i noticed one of her male friends grab her arm in a flirtatious manner. this really infuriated me, but i didn't say anything.

 

about a week later, i was looking at her myspace and her friends' myspace pages out of boredom. i noticed that she had left a couple comments on the myspace of a guy who was part of that little group and who she had met for the first time that particular night. two of the comments read: "call me sometime so we can hang out" and "you gotta dance with me at the beach friday night." i cannot explain how angry i was, and when i asked her about the beach comment she claimed it was just a joke. also, she didn't understand how i could be so angry. i couldn't imagine asking another girl to dance at the beach unless i was single and really liked the person. i must also say that when we first began the relationship, she asked me if i was a cheater and told me that if i wasn't commitment material to not be with her.

 

around this time, she said she loved me and i decided not to dwell on what had happened. things were good until i made plans to meet her and her friends at a bar one night. there was a "weasel" that was drinking with her same little "group." he kept hitting on her and grabbed her arm as if to pull her to the dance floor. i kept my mouth shut and didn't bring it up to her. i drove her home later on because she was too intoxicated to drive, and as we pulled up to her house, this same dude called her. i was extremely curious as to why she gave him her ****ing number (before i had arrived at the bar). again, i kept my mouth shut.

 

all these events created a downward spiral of paranoia and jealousy for me.

 

when we were alone together, i felt like we were in love and that she really did love me. i didn't feel like she was distancing herself from me and she shared events of her life with me and even shared emotion with me. we had excellent conversation (something many couples don't even have).

 

things pretty much ended one night when she came to my house after being at the bar and we were "making love." a guy named mike had called her and i had a gut feeling they didn't really know each other like she had claimed. let me mention that mike was another guy who had recently joined the little drinking group at the bar.

 

she left due to my "jealousy" and told me to call her when i could handle the fact that she has male friends. the next day i decided to log in her to myspace (i forgot to mention the fact that i had acquired her password after watching her type it in weeks earlier). in her mailbox were messages from this same guy mike. he was calling her sweetie and saying they would talk soon. later on that day she sent him messages, stating that he was handsome and that she would like to hang out with him more (she had gone over to the house of a friend of hers that day and he was there as well). when i read this, i told her i had logged in to her myspace. she ended up calling me a psycho and a freak and hasn't talked to me since.

 

my whole issue wasn't even about the fact that she has male friends. if a male friend from school called her up and wanted to do lunch, i couldn't give a flying ****. it's the fact that she seeked these male "acquaintances" while we were together. i don't think she cheated on me, but she might as well have.

 

after our relationship ended, i kept asking myself what i did wrong and then i realized i did absolutely nothing wrong. i came to the conclusion that people who actively seek "friendships" with the opposite sex (and POSSIBLY people who primarily have friends of the opposite sex) really have ulterior motives. they don't want commitment and they really don't know what love is.

 

after all is said in done, i think she was just infatuated with me and when she realized that arguments are part of a loving relationship and that i wasn't perfect, she decided to seek male attention elsewhere.

[laRubiaBonita]

you do seem a bit jealous... and hacking into someones personal accounts is a big no-no.

 

from your story, i do agree she was being disrespectful towards ya'lls relationship.... then again, if my SO did not believe me and treated me like i was lying/ cheating... well i do not stand for that and i would have ended it with you too.

 

btw~ i have a lot of guy friends too, and it is something that some guys i have dated cannot handle very well. but these guys have been my friends for years, and nothing has or will happen... and if the guy i am dating does not trust me, why would i want to date him anyways?

[jcster]

Ok, wow. After I got through the first part of your message, I was going to tell you that you were being paranoid and overly jealous (since I too have a lot of male friends). BUT, after reading the rest of it, I think your worst fears might be true. No one in a committed relationship would talk to other guys on the sly in the manner that your girlfriend is doing. It's a sad fact that your gut is often more knowledgeable than your head in matters of love.

 

She reacted hurtfully to you because she was caught. There was a red flag at the beginning when she volunteered the information that she wouldn't cheat on you. No one mentions cheating unless they are thinking about it.

 

Sorry.

[Chinook]

It's a sad fact that your gut is often more knowledgeable than your head in matters of love.

 

If I had a penny for every time I failed to trust my gut or I saw a post where someone hasn't trusted their gut and rued the consequences, I'd be a very rich lady.

 

It's a fact of the human condition that we like to think the best of people. The sad fact is, sometimes whether we like it or not...people do horrible things and cheating is one of them. I dunno whether it's a secret smell they give off, or a vibrance of fear of getting caught - but almost all of the people I have known in real-life whose partners have cheated (myself included) have somehow 'known' about it beforehand. It has NEVER come as a total surprise. One lady was surprised but then afterwards when some things clicked she said 'oh ya, that makes sense'.

 

Always, always trust your instincts. If something is feeling like it's wrong, it usually is. It's not paranoia. It's not over-reaction. It's called being able to sense a very subtle change in the status quo and human beings are masters at sensing this stuff.

[Yamaha]

It's amusing when people say you just have to get used to all of my male friends if you want to date me. Men know why these male friends are usually hanging around and that is why we are leary. She seemed to love the attention of these male friends more than your relationship and she put them before your concerns.

 

I agree that if your gut is telling you something is wrong you should listen.

[jcster]

Always, always trust your instincts. If something is feeling like it's wrong, it usually is. It's not paranoia. It's not over-reaction. It's called being able to sense a very subtle change in the status quo and human beings are masters at sensing this stuff.

AMEN! I know that I'm starting to sound like a broken record on this site, but it's vital to listen to your instincts when it comes to human interaction. Call it emotional intelligence, call it reading body language, but it's nearly infallible! I've learned it the hard way (again and again) and now I am a total convert. That's why I've found it's so important to maintain a bit of breathing space in a relationship - you need peace and quiet to hear that intuition.

[supertouch]

you do seem a bit jealous... and hacking into someones personal accounts is a big no-no.

 

from your story, i do agree she was being disrespectful towards ya'lls relationship.... then again, if my SO did not believe me and treated me like i was lying/ cheating... well i do not stand for that and i would have ended it with you too.

 

btw~ i have a lot of guy friends too, and it is something that some guys i have dated cannot handle very well. but these guys have been my friends for years, and nothing has or will happen... and if the guy i am dating does not trust me, why would i want to date him anyways?

 

like i said, it's not the fact that she has male friends in general. it's the fact that it seemed like she had a physical or mental connection with these guys that she had known for a couple hours. they were male acquaintances, and i cannot fathom why people who claim to love their partners would actually seek out people of the opposite sex. i have a few platonic girl friends, but i would never say the same type of **** to them that she said.

 

i've never gone out to bars and "connected" with other women while i've been in love with someone else. i've had absolutely no desire to develop friendships with new girls.

 

i know you can't really ascribe your thought processes to every person you meet, but i really don't buy that she is just a friendly person and wanted to make new (male) friends.

[Cobra_X30]

Your just lucky to be rid of this chick before she messed with your head to much. She is probably convinced that you are some jealous freak, but anyone who puts up with that kind of crap is a total sucker.

 

Bonita, when you got a bunch of "guy friends" it is very important how you interact with them. If it is a constant issue in your relationships you may want to re-evaluate your situation.

[laRubiaBonita]

like i said, it's not the fact that she has male friends in general. it's the fact that it seemed like she had a physical or mental connection with these guys that she had known for a couple hours. they were male acquaintances, and i cannot fathom why people who claim to love their partners would actually seek out people of the opposite sex. i have a few platonic girl friends, but i would never say the same type of **** to them that she said.

 

i've never gone out to bars and "connected" with other women while i've been in love with someone else. i've had absolutely no desire to develop friendships with new girls.

 

i know you can't really ascribe your thought processes to every person you meet, but i really don't buy that she is just a friendly person and wanted to make new (male) friends.

 

aaahhhhh... very different. i was reading it as these were guys she knew/ had known, not just bar-fly guys.

 

so now that i understand, i agree, she is a waste of your time, plus who wants to hang out with an SO, when they are more interested in hanging out with out you.

 

Cobra_X30, i agree with what you said too. in the 1-2 instances that a bf of mine made it an issue, it turns out the guy was controling, had low self-esteem, and i could do nothing right anyways.... so it was more he than me.

 

Respect, respect, respect

[McFadden]

Well usually I am on the other side of the argument but from what you described, that just aint right. People don't usually say to platonic friends "you are so handsome" or that they should dance on the beach. I admit that I would make male friends while in a relationship and not see a problem in it, but not in that way. The thing I don't like is that she made a big deal about committment and not cheating and then acted like that. It would only be appropriate in an open or non-serious relationship. Its good that it ended fairly early.

[jcster]

An evening at the bar with my male friends usually consists of capping on each other, berating whichever B-movie we are watching on closed caption, or having car-bomb (a drink) races. I do not tell them they are handsome unless they've just had their heart broken and stomped on...I do not dance with them on the beach unless it's a sandy mosh pit.

 

Your girl was wayyyy out of line and she knows it.

[dbtmarley]

I think you did a fantastic job in logging into her myspace account and I sincerely mean that. You saved yourself a lot of headache with someone who does not want or respect a relationship. Instead of hanging out at the bar with guys she flirts with she should have been with you.

 

What I like about your story is the fact you nipped this in the bud early on and I commend you for that. She is a hoe plain and simple.

[dbtmarley]

I really like the way some women think that a man is insecure if she has like 20 guy friends. It is usually these same females who would not give a guy the time of day if he proclaimed to have 20 female friends.

[Yamaha]

I really like the way some women think that a man is insecure if she has like 20 guy friends. It is usually these same females who would not give a guy the time of day if he proclaimed to have 20 female friends.

 

Hear, Hear.....

 

[jcster]

I really like the way some women think that a man is insecure if she has like 20 guy friends. It is usually these same females who would not give a guy the time of day if he proclaimed to have 20 female friends.

 

I won't date anyone that DOESN'T have female friends. It's just not natural.

[McFadden]

I won't date anyone that DOESN'T have female friends. It's just not natural.

 

When some guys have no female friends it seems socially retarded. I know that is a generalization but it seems like the more well adjusted people have both. It shows that they are more mature and can be around women without being all over them. That is my two cents.

[laRubiaBonita]

When some guys have no female friends it seems socially retarded. I know that is a generalization but it seems like the more well adjusted people have both. It shows that they are more mature and can be around women without being all over them. That is my two cents.

 

very nice! make that a four cent-er!

[zilverenvlinder]

Blegh. I wish my boyfriend was a slow typer so I could get his password. -_-

[daphne]

As a female that has a lot of male friends, I can say that her actions are a bit selfish and shady. I can't say from her emails that she was cheating, but at the very least she was more than friendly and maybe seeing what was out there.

 

I told the guy I'm seeing that I'm a flirt, meaning that I have social activities that I do and I'm friendly. However, with him I make it clear that otehr than light banter, I'm not going to disrespect him. At least I hope he understands that. I don't make new guy friends when I'm dating someone. If my guy isn't giving me enough attention, I talk to him about it and if it doesn't work out I can move on. I don't need backups. I have had several male friends start asking me out once they heard I was dating someone exclusively. However, I've let them all know I'm not looking. One has terminated the friendship because clearly he can't handle it but that's his immaturity.

 

Bottom line, I like attention, but I'd rather get it from one guy and I wouldn't want to be disrespected so if I had to give it up I would.

[dbtmarley]

When some guys have no female friends it seems socially retarded. I know that is a generalization but it seems like the more well adjusted people have both. It shows that they are more mature and can be around women without being all over them. That is my two cents.

 

 

But why not put 5 cents in? Is a few female friends the same as 20? Women complain about all men being dogs. If a woman went over to a guys house and found his little black book with tons of women's phone numbers she would think he is a player, but if a woman does it she is socially adjusted? Also these same guy friends that she has are different kind of guys? The guys that a woman has as her friends are not dogs?

 

I have been the bar guy. I have been the co worker in the past. If the boyfriend slipped up there was a shot..

 

When I was involved I did not partake in things that made me appear single... If I have to do things like go to a bar without my girl then why would I want to be hitched anyways..

[bish]

i recently got out of a 5-month relationship with a woman i truly loved.

 

here is the story:

 

about a month after we started dating, she met her usual "drinking group" at a bar.

 

Strike one!

 

 

i thought nothing of it. i ended up going to the same bar without knowing that she would be there and i noticed one of her male friends grab her arm in a flirtatious manner. this really infuriated me, but i didn't say anything.

 

Strike two!

 

about a week later, i was looking at her myspace and her friends' myspace pages out of boredom. i noticed that she had left a couple comments on the myspace of a guy who was part of that little group and who she had met for the first time that particular night. two of the comments read: "call me sometime so we can hang out" and "you gotta dance with me at the beach friday night." i cannot explain how angry i was, and when i asked her about the beach comment she claimed it was just a joke.

 

Foul ball....not strike three yet.

 

around this time, she said she loved me and i decided not to dwell on what had happened. things were good until i made plans to meet her and her friends at a bar one night. there was a "weasel" that was drinking with her same little "group." he kept hitting on her and grabbed her arm as if to pull her to the dance floor. i kept my mouth shut and didn't bring it up to her. i drove her home later on because she was too intoxicated to drive, and as we pulled up to her house, this same dude called her. i was extremely curious as to why she gave him her ****ing number (before i had arrived at the bar). again, i kept my mouth shut.

 

Strike three.....she's outta there.....all the usual signs that she isn't worth a f#ck. Giving out her number to another guy....definitely UNACCEPTABLE.

 

 

all these events created a downward spiral of paranoia and jealousy for me.

 

when we were alone together, i felt like we were in love and that she really did love me. i didn't feel like she was distancing herself from me and she shared events of her life with me and even shared emotion with me. we had excellent conversation (something many couples don't even have).

 

 

Hey, I know the feeling. My stbXw was the same way. I never saw any of it....until people started coming out of the woodwork to rat her out.

Cheaters are very deceitful and cold hearted. Its not you....its her with the problem....she can now be someone elses problem.

 

 

she left due to my "jealousy" and told me to call her when i could handle the fact that she has male friends.

 

Bullshiit. She left because she isn't committment material. She is a hussbag.

 

 

the next day i decided to log in her to myspace (i forgot to mention the fact that i had acquired her password after watching her type it in weeks earlier). in her mailbox were messages from this same guy mike. he was calling her sweetie and saying they would talk soon. later on that day she sent him messages, stating that he was handsome and that she would like to hang out with him more (she had gone over to the house of a friend of hers that day and he was there as well). when i read this, i told her i had logged in to her myspace. she ended up calling me a psycho and a freak and hasn't talked to me since.

 

 

Good...because you don't need a bi!tch like that in your life anyway.

 

 

my whole issue wasn't even about the fact that she has male friends. if a male friend from school called her up and wanted to do lunch, i couldn't give a flying ****. it's the fact that she seeked these male "acquaintances" while we were together. i don't think she cheated on me, but she might as well have.

 

Oh, she has, you just don't have proof.

 

after our relationship ended, i kept asking myself what i did wrong and then i realized i did absolutely nothing wrong. i came to the conclusion that people who actively seek "friendships" with the opposite sex (and POSSIBLY people who primarily have friends of the opposite sex) really have ulterior motives. they don't want commitment and they really don't know what love is.

 

Ah you are wise beyond your years grasshopper. You nailed it with the last 2 sentences.

 

after all is said in done, i think she was just infatuated with me and when she realized that arguments are part of a loving relationship and that i wasn't perfect, she decided to seek male attention elsewhere.

 

And that is why cheaters don't deserve a 2nd chance.

Because NOBODY is perfect. And if their reason for cheating is that things aren't absolutely perfect, then they will cheat on everyone they are with once things start to be less than perfect.

[doiask42much]

I do not tell them they are handsome unless they've just had their heart broken and stomped on...I do not dance with them on the beach unless it's a sandy mosh pit.

 

I really liked this bit. Awww...

[doiask42much]

When some guys have no female friends it seems socially retarded. I know that is a generalization but it seems like the more well adjusted people have both. It shows that they are more mature and can be around women without being all over them. That is my two cents.

 

I guess I must like socially retarded guys then? Guys who have a lot of female friends, assuming they are actually friends and not potential lays, strike me as being a bit too metro and borderline gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just that type of guy doesn't float my boat. I like guys' guys, I guess because they are the opposite of me and generally free of my many neuroses. They are uncomplicated and forthright, and that's what I like.

 

I'm not keen on guys having lots of female friends, but I hold up my end too. I don't really have any guy friends that I hang out with anymore. I agree with dbtmarley, it's too easy to fall into the arms of another when you're upset and your relationship is having problems.

[shadowplay]

I guess I must like socially retarded guys then? Guys who have a lot of female friends, assuming they are actually friends and not potential lays, strike me as being a bit too metro and borderline gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just that type of guy doesn't float my boat. I like guys' guys, I guess because they are the opposite of me and generally free of my many neuroses. They are uncomplicated and forthright, and that's what I like.

 

I'm not keen on guys having lots of female friends, but I hold up my end too. I don't really have any guy friends that I hang out with anymore. I agree with dbtmarley, it's too easy to fall into the arms of another when you're upset and your relationship is having problems.

 

I agree completely with the first part of your post.

[McFadden]

But why not put 5 cents in? Is a few female friends the same as 20? Women complain about all men being dogs. If a woman went over to a guys house and found his little black book with tons of women's phone numbers she would think he is a player, but if a woman does it she is socially adjusted?

 

That wasn't of what I meant to say, I don't hold anything against a male having female friends. I know a lot of guys who have many women in thier phone contacts and I have thought nothing of it. The bottom line is there is a line people shouldn't cross while in a relationship, going to a bar and acting single like in the OP situation is not acceptable for most people so he was justified.

 

I should not have insinuated that anyone is socially retarded, but in my experience the guys who strictly hang out with only guys are either

 

a) geeky, immature and don't know how to talk to/are afraid to talk to women

 

b) very macho and have certain beliefs about women that prevent them from interacting with any women in a non sexual way

 

And girls who hang out with only girls are usually girly girls.

 

I am not saying that everyone fits into those categories, or that there's anything wrong with people in those categories. They are just not my type to either hang out with or date. I like guys that seem more friendly and open.

 

By the way everyone, stay out of those mosh pits, they can take a very kinky and sexual turn very quickly. Not that I know from experience at all. I just heard from someone by friend's cousins's ex girlfriend's neighbor met at a concert..