sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 my fiance and i have started going out on the weekends and having a GREAT time together...he has a new boss and a new coworker so we've been meeting up with them each night. his boss is very flirty only when he's been drinking. last week we went to a bar and we walked in and hsi boss picked me up above his shoulders to say 'hi' and this really pissed my fiance off (if roles were reversed i guess i would be too) but my fiance didn't want to say anything since this is his new boss (he's a pretty boy, tan, built-all the girls like him )so i think this makes my fiance a little jealous/insecure maybe? now this weekend we meet up with him and we are leaving and he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek! oh man did my fiiance flip out and was so pissed...i didn't react at all to it so he wasn't mad at me just the fact that he feels pinned that he can't really approach his boss and tell him that it makes him uncomfortable because he has to be very careful as hes going for a promotion soon and this could possibly backfire on him and then his boss take it hte wrong way...anyways, i don't know what to do. my fiance just called me and told me that his boss and the otehr guy we hang with (they're actually brothers) are having a talk tonight and the brother is going to tell the boss that I am uncomfortable and don't like to be touched and blah blah....well that pisses ME off...don't make me feel awkward and put in that kind of a spot...the brother doesn't want to put it on my fiance cause he knows how this will/could hurt his chance in promotion...just because that's how it is. f'd up but tha'ts how it is. so i talked to my fiance and told him i didn't really like the idea because now every time i see him the guy is going to think i'm a prude and blah blah and part of me doesnt' care if he tells him it's me and i will take the akwardness because i love my fiance so much but then again going to their house and hanging out and just makes me feel like I won't be comfortable now...i don't know...i';m having trouble laying this all out to get advice...hope someone can shuffle through this and give me an idea on what i should do about the brother telling the boss that it's ME who is uncomfortable....
PandorasBox Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Whose idea is it for you all to get together with his boss? Maybe you and your fiance should just stop hanging out and going out for drinks etc with his boss. It should be just business, no going out etc.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 i agree. it usually starts out the brother and then somehow we have ran into the boss both weekends...our town isn't huge and only a few good bars. part of me wants him to go ahead and say whatever if he needs to 'use' my name instead of his but then again...i know we'll see him atleast once a weekend out, not that we will hang out with him anymore but i don't want the uncomfortable issue to even exist. so do i suck it up and get over it and let things be akward and me look like a prude or should my fiance suck up his jealousy issues?? i dont' know...it's like if the roles were reversed i would be pissy and expect him to take the blame that it's him being uncomfortable...am i answering my own question here?? ugh.... OH and when i was talking to my fiance i just said 'well, whatever, i just don't want to be uncomfortable" and guess what he did, hung up. he is mad because he prob thinks i like this flirting and attention i get (everyone loves to be flirted with and all that but this guy is crossing teh line) so i think my fiance things i like it too much or something is why i'm not wanting the brother to tell him it's me that is uncomfortable..ugh. i want my fiance to see my side and understand that its' not that i like the flirting this guy does but that i just don't want to feel uncomfortable and wondering what was said. this is so stupid. now since my fiance hung up on me, do i call him back? wait for him? gosh this is turning into a huge deal and it shouldn't be. how frustrating. i cna't believe he hung up on me over this?!! wtf
Cobra_X30 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 This may be kinda wierd but Ive been in a similar situation. If the boss is flirting with you how do you respond to that? The fact that you dont want him to think you a prude, makes me think you flirt back. It shouldnt matter if this guy thinks your a nun. If I was your Fiance I just wouldnt invite you out with this group.
PandorasBox Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 OH and when i was talking to my fiance i just said 'well, whatever, i just don't want to be uncomfortable" and guess what he did, hung up. he is mad because he prob thinks i like this flirting and attention i get (everyone loves to be flirted with and all that but this guy is crossing teh line) so i think my fiance things i like it too much or something is why i'm not wanting the brother to tell him it's me that is uncomfortable..ugh. Do you feel your b/f is wrong in thinking you might like the attention? As far as him hanging up on you, he needs to grow up. And no, I don't think you need to call him back since he hung up. Let him stew for a bit.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 well he's been stewing for over an hour and still hasn't called me back...what do i do??? wtf this is ridiculous and no i don't feel my bf is wrong for thinking i might like the attention. i admit that i would think the same thing if roles were reversed. i just wish he would believem e when i say i don't like it. i would rather try dealing with staying away from this guy to keep my fiance happy than his brother going nad telling him that 'she is so uncomfortable, dude' just sounds like it could make thigns worse, atleast in my eyes. and i'm realizing now that i can't stop it so why am i even bothering with this. his brother is going to say whatever to his boss that he feels is the best so i'll trust him on that. (the boss and brother got into an argument at the bar is why they are having a talk) so now i have to sit and wait for my fiance to call me back...what if he dosn't call me at all?? what if this -in his eyes- has pissed him off to the pint where he believes that i like the attention????? omg am i freaking out now? overanalyzing? please tell me i am. ugh
PandorasBox Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 so now i have to sit and wait for my fiance to call me back...what if he dosn't call me at all?? what if this -in his eyes- has pissed him off to the pint where he believes that i like the attention????? omg am i freaking out now? overanalyzing? please tell me i am. ugh First off, you might want to take about 3 or 4 deep breaths and try to remain calm. If he is like this with other situations, where a guy can't even say hello to you, or look at you etc, then you might want to rethink why you are with someone who shows this much jealousy and immaturity when it comes to trying to talk to him about things. If it bugs you so much that you feel you can't wait for your b/f to call you back, then go ahead and call him. And what do you feel he will say or do that he hasn't already? He may hang up on you again. I would give him time to cool off, so if you both talk about it later on, you'll both be more calm and can think more clearly about things, just an hour may not do it either.
tanbark813 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 he prob thinks i like this flirting and attention i get That's what I was thinking too. If you didn't like it you wouldn't care as much about what the boss thinks. Why do you care anyway? I think you should be a team player for your fiance. On the ladder of favors this ranks barely above being asked to take out the garbage.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 well, he called me...an hour and a half later and started with 'i can't believe you haven't even had the decency to try to call me' WTFFFFF you hung up on me. this has sprialed into something it shouldn't have. he thinks i like the attention and he said that if i like it so much then he's leaving...he's really mad. steaming mad...and he's taking it all out on me when the fact is that it is his boss who has made him so mad. but i should have never said to not put the blame on me, that was wrong...i should have taken teh blame and i would have expected him to take it for me...do unto others should come inot play here... ugh so now what? he basically rushed off the phone after yelling (while at work) about evetrything. wtf i wish he wouldn't take this out all on me. i told him that he can do whatever he needs to do that making such a big deal out of this is ridiculous but he doesn't find it ridiculous, he says that it's a problem if i like the attention...and i agree it is, but i don't liek the attention. he wont' hear anything i have to say. he has it set in his head what he believes and me saying i didn't want to be put in the akwardness comes off as me liking the guy. omg i can't believe this has turned into this... should i call him on my lunch and see how he is then? wtf do i do???? i can't get him to see any other way but his way.
PandorasBox Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 He is not ready to be in a committed relationship. If he is going to act that way and say he is leaving, then let him. He sounds really childish. I'm not saying he shouldn't care that you like the attention or flirting. However, most people do like attention and flirting to some degree. And thats the thing, its really not as bad as he appears to make it out to be. Like I said earlier, if he is like this everytime someone shows you any attention, then he is overly jealous, and not sure why you would want to be in a situation where some one is like that. Maybe you both need to call things off for a bit. Let him grow up some, he doesn't handle things well, I mean he can't even talk to you in a civil manner, without hanging up on you.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 thanks for your post, i just think it's horrible that he woudl even say he would leave...over something like this. i'm breaking down and can't believe this has gone this far. wtf. and gets mad because i dont' call him back? i don't know what to do....should i call him on my lunch? maybe?? ugh i'm going to throw up.
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Okay, just step back a moment here. Firstly, your boyfriend is feeling like he is underfire from what he perceives to be two corners. 1. His boss. 2. You. Firstly his boss. This guy is a creep - wielding his power of his job over your boyfriend and his machismo in his approach to you. Your boyfriend can do jack-shyte about that. If he does...it impacts upon his job. Secondly, your boyfriend has asked you to help him with this problem. You've said (more or less) no. You have to ask yourself why that is. Personally, I think maybe you actually did like the attention when you thought it was harmless. But it wasn't and hasn't ever been harmless. YOU are the one who needs to speak with the guy and take him to one side and tell him that his attention is making you uncomfortable. That single action will do two things... it will tell the boss his actions are unwelcome and it will reassure your boyfriend what he means to you...without putting him the unnecessary line of fire with his boss. If you take that course of action...once everything settles down, I would politely decline to go out with your boyfriend and his boss and brother on any of these outings again. The simple solution is to simply not be there.
JackJack Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I think Chinook has a good suggestion. Has your fiance, ever acted this way before when another guy said something to you, or acted a certain way around you? Or just with his boss?
Cobra_X30 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Tanbark, Im agreeing with you on this. Maybe its just cause we are guys. A big red flag is when a girl acts like she needs attention from more than me.
tanbark813 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Tanbark, Im agreeing with you on this. Maybe its just cause we are guys. A big red flag is when a girl acts like she needs attention from more than me. Exactly. I agree that the fiance is being childish regarding the whole hanging up thing but I wonder why sunshinegirl is more concerned with what her fiance's boss thinks than what her fiance thinks/feels.
JackJack Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Exactly. I agree that the fiance is being childish regarding the whole hanging up thing but I wonder why sunshinegirl is more concerned with what her fiance's boss thinks than what her fiance thinks/feels. I agree that is shouldn't matter what the boss thinks, and that she might really like the attention as well. I do think though they are both being quite childish on the matter. Her, caring so much what the boss thinks. And him as far as the way he goes about handling things. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right be upset, but hanging up on someone then getting pissed off when she doesn't call him right back after he was the one doing the hanging up is not the best way to handle it. To the OP, someone suggested you both taking a break, I think is a good idea.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 The call thing isnt childish. It shows him that she does not think she is wrong. Shows that she doesnt care enough to apologize.
JackJack Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 To the OP, pretty much all of your past posts, are about your jealousy issues and how you can't seem to get passed being jealous, and how it seems there is always some kind of conflict going on with you and your fiance. Maybe the fact the tables have turned and your fiance is the one now jealous, it makes you feel good? I don't know if that is the case or not. HOWEVER................. I still say it might be a good diea to take a break, and both of you work on whatever issues you need to work on before getting married. Alot of the same things going on now was going on a few months ago as well.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 yes the tables have turned...i guess i do -don't want to admit it but-like the fact that he is jealous, or that i see it and i never thought any of this was harmful but now after reading everyone my eyes are opening. hanging up on me was out of disgust taht i wouldn't put him ahead of his boss. maybe i deserved it, but not to get bitched at because i didn't call him back (i'm standing my ground on that one) i talked to him again and he was much better, he had calmed down. we're going to work out at the gym together - have a good talk. i dont' think we need to take a break...i think he needs to gain control of his anger and not spout of things he doesn't mean and expect me to just take it until he decides to calm down.
shakenandstirred Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 sunshine79, Your fiance' feels as if you don't have his back. He is in a position where he can't really say anything to his boss because it will maybe ruin his chance for advancement. His boss' flirting with you not only makes him jealous(which I'm sure you would be if you were in his position and you had a female boss who was flirting with him) but your not putting an end to it leaves your fiance' to think that deep down you like it. Maybe you do, I don't know. You did say people like to be flirted with and this is true, but if it is making your fiance' upset then it is up to you to have his back and tell his boss to not do what he is doing. If you notice, he is getting more and more friendly with each meeting you guys have. You not saying nothing is saying something to him(the boss). Picking you up and hugging and kissing you, even on the cheek is disrespectful to your fiance and you should let him know this. I'm sure if your fiance was not worried about his promotion, he would have said something to the guy already. Your fiance' is upset and even a little hurt that you choose to stay somewhat neutral. You have nothing to lose by having his boss think you are prudish, but you could lose your fiance' if you don't have his back on this issue. As small as it seems to you, it is huge to him. I'm sure you would want him to view it your way(in Bryanp's famous slogan) if the roles were reversed.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Here is a good rule of thumb for hang ups. When you realize that you did something wrong... you call back. If you didnt do anything wrong... wait for him to call. Very simple.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 shaken, it makes sense...thank you. i guess i didn't see it as that big of a deal cause i don't like the guy, i don't care about him, but i know this hurts my fiance's feelings and if it were me with a overly friendly female boss that did that to him we'd be having the same problem.
shakenandstirred Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 shaken, it makes sense...thank you. i guess i didn't see it as that big of a deal cause i don't like the guy, i don't care about him, but i know this hurts my fiance's feelings and if it were me with a overly friendly female boss that did that to him we'd be having the same problem. You are quite welcome. As primal as we may seem at times, we men have feelings too.
Author sunshine79 Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 things are a lot better than yesterday at this time. my fiance let me know that he was cool and things had cooled down that he just wanted me to see his piont and i wasn't (true) so everythign is good. another thing is he's put on weight and is very unhappy with himself so he's jumping and taking it out on me and he knows he shouldn't. he was on a diet for 2 weeks and did awesome, then we had vacation and that whole week he messed up and then we got back and he hasn't been able to get back in a routine so that's the next step. we worked out last night and i could tell a change in his overall attitude, not just the boss thing.
EnigmasMuse Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 So did the boss get told anything? Or is going to be let go of and not mentioned to him? Hopefully your fiance' will get back to his diet if he feels bad about himself and takes it out on you, that's not right. And hopefully, you both will work on these jealousy issues.
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