justice Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I wanted everyone in the divorce forum to know that life does indeed go on and it does get better with time, so don't give up the battle. I've gone from being a deeply depressed and stressed out married woman to being a self secure, independant single woman who now loves life and living it. My h engaged in an affair and it nearly brought me to my knees, I was so lost and hurt back then. His lies never stopped, he never missed a beat and all the while he was begging me to save our marriage. "It didn't mean anything" "I'll never do it again" "I shouldn't have to defend myself to you, not sure I want to be in a marriage where I'm not trusted" Yeah, those were some of the lines he gave me, and I did fall for them but not for very long. I've had to work hard on rebuilding my life. It wasn't easy when I trusted and loved someone like I did him. And yes, it did hurt and it was lonely for quite awhile after we separated and divorced. But, I learned you have to take this time right after you leave them for yourself, you have to get kind of selfish and relearn to do alot of the things you normally did for them, and after a bit it gets easier. Back then all I had was "our" life. It was all I knew, you just don't realize how dependant upon your spouse that you become. Now, I have "MY" life. It gets better a little bit every day and there are major benefits to it. I no longer have to watch the clock and worry if he's out there doing heaven knows what to who. No more stressing on why he's cheating or worrying what he's bringing home to me healthwise. I'm dating now, not for serious relationship reasons, but just to get out there and start living again, I'm not looking for love or for a relationship, I'm still learning who I am and trying to realize who I can be. I see so many of you here on the divorce and infidelity boards who are and who have been devastated by your signifigant other, just as I was, you are hurting and you are lost. I wanted to tell you not to give up on the one person who will never hurt you. And that person is YOU. You can become strong, you can become the person you want to be. Don't be a doormat. Take pride in who you are. And never let the situation get you so blinded that you can't see what is the truth. And when the truth gets up in your face and says look at me, don't turn away from it, in truth, there is knowledge, and in knowledge there is power! In joining these boards as I did so long ago, (not that long but it seems like it) I got some very good advice and the people here are so caring, and I feel that I was lucky to have found this site. True, there are a few trolls but what public forum doesn't have some of those? For the better part in reading other's here, I learned to go forward instead of remaining in a stagnant relationship, where I was being gaslighted and blinded by what I wanted my marriage to be. I applaud those of you who are working out their marriages and are doing well, but for some of us, it doesn't work that way, and I just wanted to let that percentage know that there is life after a failed marriage. In closing, I must say, Be True To Yourself, be happy with who you see in the mirror. Trust in yourself and your gut instincts. And above all, Believe in yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Another success story... I love those! I know it's possible to live alone but not be lonely... to be free as a bird, not to depend on anyone... it's a wonderful feeling. I would not change my life right now for anything in the world. I also cringe when I read posts about women or men who are soooo emotionally dependent that they can't function alone. They know they have to move on but refuse to do so because they loooooove their jerks... arrghhh.. I don't really have patience for doormats... You go girl!!!
directx Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I really enjoyed your post. I thought it was great and I am glad you shared. I have always wondered if everyone needs to go through an experience like you described to change or is it just that there are lucky ones that get it right the first time. I have had similar experiences that you post (not exact, and actually, mine are trivial in comparison) but what you experienced I totally relate to. And its amazing that you have come to the same conclusions that I have. For me, it was like a period of brutal evolution. I don't know how you feel entirely, but for myself, I am glad I was torn down and able to rebuild myself back up, because I feel all the more experienced and wiser. Kind of like learning through suffering. Hopefully everyone can pick themselves up like you did and not fall apart like I am sure happens to some. But if they read your post, maybe they will be more inclined to follow your footsteps.
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 I really enjoyed your post. I thought it was great and I am glad you shared. I have always wondered if everyone needs to go through an experience like you described to change or is it just that there are lucky ones that get it right the first time. I have had similar experiences that you post (not exact, and actually, mine are trivial in comparison) but what you experienced I totally relate to. And its amazing that you have come to the same conclusions that I have. For me, it was like a period of brutal evolution. I don't know how you feel entirely, but for myself, I am glad I was torn down and able to rebuild myself back up, because I feel all the more experienced and wiser. Kind of like learning through suffering. Hopefully everyone can pick themselves up like you did and not fall apart like I am sure happens to some. But if they read your post, maybe they will be more inclined to follow your footsteps. I agree, your term brutal evolution is very fitting, and yes, when you get taken down to ground zero, you come back stronger, tougher and wiser and since you are at that level, there is only one way and that way is up. But only if you chose that direction. And it is slow, this path, one clawing handhold up a slippery incline at at time. But it's so worth it when you get to the top.
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Another success story... I love those! I know it's possible to live alone but not be lonely... to be free as a bird, not to depend on anyone... it's a wonderful feeling. I would not change my life right now for anything in the world. I also cringe when I read posts about women or men who are soooo emotionally dependent that they can't function alone. They know they have to move on but refuse to do so because they loooooove their jerks... arrghhh.. I don't really have patience for doormats... You go girl!!! Thanks Lizzie. While I do agree with some of the things you post, and I do read here quite a lot, I don't agree with what you do. You seem like you have such a good personality, a zest for life. Why on earth would you not seek out a single male instead of enabling all of those mm's you date? You deserve much better than that.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Thanks Lizzie. While I do agree with some of the things you post, and I do read here quite a lot, I don't agree with what you do. You seem like you have such a good personality, a zest for life. Why on earth would you not seek out a single male instead of enabling all of those mm's you date? You deserve much better than that. But, for now, this is what I want... I don,t want one single guy... I guess I'm too greedy.. LOL To be honest with you, when you say I deserve better than that... for me, having one single male is not what I deserve... this is not better. I know what you're saying...but this is not for me.
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Sorry that just doesn't wash with me.....sounds like you are making excuses instead of facing the truth.
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 That's all fine and good, keep on telling yourself that, but at the end of your life when you look back there will be regrets. Not meaning to flame or be harsh here but it seems like you have low self esteem or are afraid to get into a relationship where you are the only woman. I wish you much luck down the road.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 justice, nice post. There is life after divorce and it's so much better than remaining in a relationship without trust and if people are honest, respect. The respect encompasses not only the relationship but how you view yourself, when you settle. Love, financial reasons, fear of the unknown are never enough.
directx Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 But I do think one thing needs to be realized: It's easier to bounce back when you look like Justice or Lizzie. When you're half a monster (myself included), its just not that easy to bounce back. I'm not ignoring the fact that Justice has gained strength, but if your of the attractive type and can get dates, its much easier to reinforce the fact that you can stand on your own. I may not be very clear here, but essentially when find yourself alone and reduced to nothing, its much easier to get back up with positive reinforcement of dating. In otherwords, being attractive enough to get quite a few dates to reaffirm you are independent has something to do with it.
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 But I do think one thing needs to be realized: It's easier to bounce back when you look like Justice or Lizzie. When you're half a monster (myself included), its just not that easy to bounce back. I'm not ignoring the fact that Justice has gained strength, but if your of the attractive type and can get dates, its much easier to reinforce the fact that you can stand on your own. I may not be very clear here, but essentially when find yourself alone and reduced to nothing, its much easier to get back up with positive reinforcement of dating. In otherwords, being attractive enough to get quite a few dates to reaffirm you are independent has something to do with it. None of us are monsters here. Just people who live, learn and make mistakes. The real beauty in a person has nothing to do with what is on the outside, but who you are inside.
directx Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 None of us are monsters here. Just people who live, learn and make mistakes. The real beauty in a person has nothing to do with what is on the outside, but who you are inside. Oh, if only that were true... It's kind of like the person that can bend their arm inside out, and can't understand why others cannot do it. Why do you think few people are brave enough to post their pics? Of all the women I have seen on here that use their own face, its easy to understand why. If only you could walk in my shoes, but alas, I know they would not fit. (trying to be profound here...and failing miserably).
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 How long has it been for your Justice? Can you tell me about your "time table" from discovery to a decision to divorce, to recovery? Did you have children? Was the divorce difficult, legally I mean? I'ld be very interested in hearing. Thanks for sharing your story, from someone who really needed to hear it today!
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 I posted mine only because I'm now secure in who I have become. I'm not beautiful, I'm very ordinary and plain, but ya know, I'm not stressed anymore over a lying, cheating scumbag and it feels so good!
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 How long has it been for your Justice? Can you tell me about your "time table" from discovery to a decision to divorce, to recovery? Did you have children? Was the divorce difficult, legally I mean? I'ld be very interested in hearing. Thanks for sharing your story, from someone who really needed to hear it today! May 30th when I found out, moved on and out in July of last year. No kids thank heavens. Still recovering but stronger every day. And no, divorce wasn't difficult due to all of the evidence I'd compiled, there isn't a judge who would even dare to deny me my divorce with all of the facts and proof right there in front of him.
EricOnTheWeb Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Hi, Justice...My name is Eric,but I never went through a divorce, never even married. However your post has given me inspiration as well, cause I'm in the learning phase of accepting the person that I am, and what I can do to be happy with myself. Nice post, and thanks:)
Author justice Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Hi, Justice...My name is Eric,but I never went through a divorce, never even married. However your post has given me inspiration as well, cause I'm in the learning phase of accepting the person that I am, and what I can do to be happy with myself. Nice post, and thanks:) Accepting oneself is never easy but it is a task worth doing. I started ridding myself of all the things I didn't and couldn't accept about myself and then working on reinforcing the positive aspects. You can never be happy or accepting of anyone else until you are happy and accept yourself first. Just my opinion of course.
Displaced Yankee Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Justice, Thank you for your post. I needed to read those words today. Nikki
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