sad, lonely, having nightmares

[Lynna]

Oh Angel, I am SO SORRY!!!! This has to be devestating for you. Oh honey, definitely talk to your doctor. Talk very seriously about everything. Start your IC as soon as possible. If meds work for you in terms of anxiety and getting some sleep, then give them a try with caution. He should probably do the same.

 

Yes, this is going to make getting over the A, ever, much, much harder. Yes, this won't be something that either of you will ever be able to completely put behind you. You need to give yourself PLENTY of time to decide if this is something that you can live with. Don't rush into any decisions. You don't have to decide right now whether you are still willing to give everything a second chance or not. You can take time to decide, as much time as you need. You have several options and all of them are serious and need plenty of time to decide. One outcome is that you two decide you love each other enough to live with this the rest of your lives and that you take the risk of future sex, protected sex with him. Another option is that you stay together but decide in the face of the risk NOT to have any more children for fear of passing it on. Another option is you decide you both love each other enough to stay married but give up your sex life. Finally the last option is that you get divorced, stay friends for the sake of the kids, but you not risk your health and future happiness because of what he has done. There may be others I have not thought of, but I thought it might help to put some order to your thoughts. Maybe you have already done this.

 

Are you keeping a journal of any sort Angel? (You could even copy and paste some of your posts from here.) It might help to vent and let out EVERYTHING that you are feeling, all the emotions, all the things you want to say to him. All your thoughts good and bad, write down the good memories, the things you fell in love with about him, the things that you grew to love that you had not even seen there to begin with. Then also write down all the bad things, all the things that drive you crazy, even the little things. Vent it all purge everything about your marriage and him. I don't know but it might help you clarify your thoughts. It might make your thoughts more concrete. It might help you cope and deal with all this. It's just a thought. I'm just trying to think of anyway to help you. I feel so badly for you with everything that you have and are going through. I wish I could help more. I wish I could turn back time so this never happened.

 

Another thought, and this one will be painful. You and he might consider whether he should tell these escorts about these results. It is POSSIBLE that they don't know yet that they are infected. By telling them, you MAY be able to save someone else from having to go through what you are dealing with now. In other words, you are not telling them for their benefit or even for the benefit of their partners, but rather for the benefit of the WIVES of their partners. I know that is the last thing you are thinking of right now, but you are such a good person I know you would not want anyone else to go through this if you could help it. I am sorry if this thought offends you or anyone else however.

 

Angel, I wish I could be there to give you a BIG hug and a shoulder to cry on for as long as you need it! I can at least listen! Take care of yourself right now! Hang in there!

[outofdarkness]

Yeah, I do have to agree that the std thing, had it been positive, might have made it easier for me to "break the deal"..but it's still hard...I hope you are taking care of yourself to the best of your ability right now..I know it's hard...Do see your Dr. and DO try meds just during your crisis period..Some are NOT addictive and can be tapered off without much agony..As far as being on the meds being held against you should you decide to file for D...From reading your posts, I really doubt that any judge would give this the time of day..As a matter of fact, it might even work to your advantage..

 

I understand the anger that you feel too, but it will eat you up..In time, you will realize that it was not about YOU but about him and his selfishness and ego...What you describe, ie., the whining, crying, etc.. are perfectly consistent w/ what I've read from other BW's who's H's have been caught..Setting boundries and sticking to them really helps..And..IMO, it really takes a disinterested third party to mediate..ie., an MC..You also need to be in IC IMO...

 

Good luck and God Bless..ood

[LakesideDream]

Angel3, I wrote that it would be a deal breaker for me. You may be much more saintly.

 

In the real world, actions have consequences. It is truely unfortunate that your husbands experiances with escorts (nasty ones to boot) have left him diseased for life.

 

For me, there is no coming back from that one. I could work through anything else I suppose, if I was properly motivated.

 

The best case senerio is that you stay in the marriage, your husband never cheats, or buys sex again, and eventually you become infected adding to your already serious medical woes.

 

A not so rosey senerio is that your husband "gets lonely, or horney" again and the marriage blows up. Or, that over time the marriage succumbs to the pressures that half of all marriages succumb to and disentegrates anyway, leaving you in the position of being a disease carrier yourself, hoping to begin a new relationship. That's not a pretty thought.

 

Sorry to say, I would shut it down now if it was me. As a male, I cannot imagine what it would feel like to a female to know that her vagina was a seething cauldron of of diseased cells. Women after all can't wear a condom and pretend that will prevent spreading the virus.

 

Any future partner you may have would be succeptable to infection, how would you be able to tell them that "oh by the way, my vagina, and even my saliva contains an incurable virus?

 

Sorry, the ramifications are just to nausiating to me.

 

Lastly: How do you "go back" on your promise to try and work it out? You just do. If you believe it, you tell him that the situation has changed after his STD screening and positive result. That you are not willing to sacrifice your health, and your future for a "love" that he wasn't even able to control his sexual urges for. It's OK to forgive him, and feel sorry for him. It's not OK to put yourself into a situation where you will inevitably become infected yourself.

[angel3]

Thanks guys. I'm so raw from this. Again, I am so grateful to you, for being here, for making me feel less alone.

 

This morning I'm just ... spent. Completely drained. Exhausted from it all. Numb, even. And he is still so emotionally wrecked ... he is reeling and hurting, too. It is hard to see such an intelligent, strong man feel so down on himself. That's the thing - he really is smarter than this. He knows how unbelievably stupid his actions (and the risks he took) really are. And he hates himself for it.

 

For now, I'm just trying to take it an hour at a time. I can't think of any other way to do it. It's too hard to think much further ahead than that.

 

Yes, I do journal, always have - and it does help, even if sometimes only later when looking back. GREAT suggestion, one I pass on to anyone else out there going through tough times. It's amazing in it's therapeutic effects.

 

I really do appreciate the support. Funny you mention telling the 'source' about the STD - I already suggested that. I cringe to think of how many other wives are right now, dealing with the same issues I am ... talk about high risk.

 

At this point, I might as well put it out there. In case anyone is imagining something worse than what it is. It's genital herpes, and hepatitis c.

 

The second is completely treatable and curable (and the one is question - the Dr says it could be from his deployments to Africa all those years ago, or from his tattoo ten years ago, so we're looking into his military medicals to see if it had ever been ruled out in the past. Dr. says that while it is not impossible that he caught it from his recent infidelities, it actually would be very rare that he did - it doesn't usually show up for quite a long time.) So - who knows - we'll see what we can find out. He already has a follow up appointment with a specialist for treatment.

 

The first - well, he was as surprised as me at the positive result. He has absolutely no symptoms. Since we are abstaining due to the infidelity anyway, the Dr is waiting for my negative test result before prescribing a Rx to prevent it spreading from him to me. That is where the immunization against cervical cancer comes into play - you may have seen the commercials for 'One less' - by getting this vaccine, it can protect against certain strains of HPV that lead to cervical cancer. Plus, there are other drugs on the market that apparently greatly reduce 'flare ups' and go quite a long way toward preventing spreading to partners.

 

So, that's where we are. In shock from the news, trying to digest it, trying to learn as much as we can about it all, thinking about what it could mean for our future ... we're both kind of walking around like zombies, but he is still working ever so hard to communicate with me, and be present and accountable.

 

I can't tell you how hard it was to be this open about what is going on here, but I did so in the hope that shedding more light on the subject may make it easier to offer support and / or advice. Please do not judge me, or us - we are embarrassed enough, I promise you. I really, really need support through this. I had already agreed to give our marriage a second chance, before these test results came back. If I take that back, wouldn't I be dishonoring MY vows, in sickness and in health, just as he did - by cheating during my illness? I don't think the answer to that is a simple one. I know I have the right to walk away. But I had already set my heart on staying, on working it out. Now, I just feel unbearably sad and confused, and afraid to trust my own judgement.

 

For now, I am taking it an hour at a time. I am standing by him. I have no idea where this will take us, but I do care about him, so very much, despite how much he has hurt me. That is why I agreed to trying again in the first place. Because I do love him. And I know he loves me and is genuinely sorry, and regrets his poor choices. I've been learning all I can about genuine forgiveness (vs 'cheap' forgiveness, done only for the sake of it) - and so has he, and he has been working very hard at earning it. And all the while, saying it doesn't feel like work, because he does it happily and willingly. We had only just started feeling close again, like the best friends we are.

 

Never say 'It can't get any worse than this.'

 

Lakesidedream, I appreciate your honesty and value your opinion, truly. Thank you for your interest, support and advice - much of which, I NEED to hear. Please, do keep posting honestly - it helps me face the hardest and most painful issues.

[Melissa277]

The things he keeps saying over and over, and breaking down sobbing over, are - he is so immeasurably sorry, I don't deserve any of this, he doesn't deserve me and my good and honest heart, he's ashamed of himself, he can't believe how stupid he was and how thoughtless and careless (and stupid - lots of 'stupid' comments) ... and how much he loves me. How much he wishes he could turn back time and erase it all. How he wishes he could stop the hurt I feel. How thankful he is for my kindness. And how he wants to fix this.

 

angel, first of all, I am so sorry about the STD "thing." It's terrible and like Lakeside, I know I could never get over that ... ever.

 

My other comment has to do with the above. I could have written that word for word. Isn't it funny how they all say and do the exact same thing after d-day? Too bad they didn't think of all that BEFORE causing

such unbearable hurt and pain to the people they claim they care about the most. It just makes me so d*mn angry!

 

You seem like such a wonderful, caring person ... I don't know how you manage to remain so calm. I'd be a raving lunatic.

 

Please take care.

Melissa

[LakesideDream]

Angel3. From your description, the Herpes was obvious. As to all the clap trap about lowering risks with medications, etc. I suggest that you search online for some herpes support/blogs/chats where the "real truth" resides. Drug companies, and Medical people make their incomes inventing, supplying, and reccomending drugs and treatment. This makes them minimize the seriousness of the problem. There have been a few discoveries that make herpes more bearable for the sufferer, as well as drugs that lower the risk of transmission. The operative word is "lower".

 

If you live with a man who has herpes, and have sex with him, you will get herpes eventually with all that entails. Condoms fail with regularity. No drug claims to be reliable.

 

As for the "sickness and health" vows.. I don't know what to tell you. I cannot imagine that when that "vow" became popular that incurable virus's were an issue. In fact, virus's hadn't even been discovered or identified. I liken the "sickness and health" vow to a vow that says "if you kill me, I won't kill you". If a partner breaks the vow, the other partner is not around to return the favor. I seriously doubt that the vow was meant to cover "optional" diseases one partner inflicts on their partner.

 

You are not "property". Your husband broke the marriage contract. It's you choice whether you decide to go ahead with the rest of the conditions of the contract, or decide to void it all together.

 

I cannot imagine being afraid of touching a prospective partners skin..

 

Additionally I cannot invision knowingly having sex with an infected person. One of the "nightmares" I suffer as a single 58 year old man is STD's. I am scared shi*tless of the possibility of "catching something" and this fear has impacted my life. "Casual Sex" is not a part of my lifestyle.. and I can assure you that I'm fully functional, and horny as heck.

 

Being comfortable with a prospective sexual partner is very difficult. Embarrasing to bring up, and verify.. but it's a very high priority.

[Lynna]

That is a VERY good idea, to look into chat sites for people and their partners who are dealing with these same STDs. And ask the doctor for detailed information, for statistics about how well these drugs actually work for both partners. It seems to me that some of these drugs are still pretty recent discoveries, so there may not be a lot of information about just how effective they really are. Get yourself VERY informed before you decide what to do. Again, don't decide too quickly.

 

I know you love your H and I am VERY happy for you that you both are committed to rebuilding your lives after all of this. But, if you decide that this is something you can NOT live with, then you are NOT breaking your vows or your promises to him. He already did that. You promised him that you were willing to work on your marriage to TRY to give it a second chance. Nothing in what you said guarenteed that that second chance would actually WORK. You are trying to give it a chance and you are trying to work with him to repair things. Even now, faced with this STD you are still willing to try. You are doing the very best that you can. Therefore, if this is something that you just can't live with, you have NOT betrayed him or your marriage. Again, as an alternative, you can always stay with him and you can both lead a celebate life.

 

I can't imagine what you are going through right now. This has to feel completely unbearable. But you are a strong woman and you WILL bear it. You will get through this SOMEHOW! How, I don't know. When, I don't know. Whether you will get through this with your marriage intact, I don't know. But I do know that you can and will get through it! We are all here for you whatever happens!