angel3 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I should be optimistic ... we're working positively on rebuilding our marriage. And I was just starting to be ok (at least a little bit more ok than when I first found out) ... now I feel stagnate. As you can see from the current hour - I'm not doing so well in the sleep department. Or eating - I just can't stomach much food. But God, how I wish the torturous dreams would stop. He's due back again Monday night, and we are planning on picking up where we left off (see 'Baby Steps') - but first, of course, plenty of QT spent just reconnecting ... but ... I just need him here. I need to feel him close to me, to know we're working on things - to hear him tell me over and over again that it's all going to be ok. To hold me and chase away the monsters in the night. I know I'm just frustrated, because right when we started to make real progress, it was time for him to leave ... and the same will happen again this coming week. This time he has four days at home before he goes again. It's not his fault, nor is it what he wants now either, it's just the way it is with his new job. We knew this would be hard - but we never expected that we'd be dealing with an infidelity on top of it all. And in the blink of an eye, everything changes ... I'm just feeling lonely and scared, and was hoping that logging on here would silence the voices for a while. I'm afraid I'm making myself crazy. Truth is, he's actually being great while he's away - lots of reassuring calls, texts, emails ... he left me over a dozen post-it's with 'I love you' written on them, all over the house, which made me smile for the first time in a long time. I'm grateful for his overwhelming efforts to make sure we've stayed totally connected, and I'm glad - it's like old times again. He hasn't done or said anything to set me off ... if anything, I feel like it's my family who is avoiding me - I don't know why, other than to guess that they just don't know what to say to me, or how to be around me - or something. Do I sound as paranoid and pathetic as I feel? Roller Coaster, indeed. I'm beyond tired, the most I've ever been - yet I can't sleep (when I want to, that is - I can and most definitely have - fallen asleep while washing dishes. Oh, yeah.) And when I DO pass out, from sheer exhaustion - i have these God awful nightmares... there is just no escaping it, is there? It had permeated every bone in my body, every song on the radio (BAD idea, that one) - every activity, every room in the house. The entire universe is different now. And I feel like I'm hanging around, waiting. Which is ok, I'll wait ... but it's hard. And very lonely. Got any cheese to go with my whine? Sheesh. I'm a wreck. Thanks for being here, and for listening. I'm going to try and get some more sleep now - still need the lights on, too ...
InaPanic Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Hi Angel. I just read your "Heartbroken" thread so i'd be familiar with what is happening. I'm so sorry for you, this is so fresh & to be alone without him has got to intensify your worry & fear tenfold. My marriage is in a similar situation. The similar part being i thought we had this fabulous marriage, we've been thru ups & downs & always been there for each other, he was/is my best friend. The parts that are different is it was i who had the affair & mine was with someone i 'thought' i loved. I read in your original thread post that it bothered you more it was not a 'love' affair. My husband felt different. He said to me many times that he would rather it had been a drunken one night stand than to think i could have actually developed LOVE for some other man. That part really hurt him So, maybe it is better that it was simply for sex....not that it makes it any more right, so to speak, but imagine the hurt you might be feeling now knowing he was intimate emotionally with someone else as well as physically. My husband treats me exactly as you treat your husband. Still w/love & understanding & compassion. I can't tell you how many times, when he'd ask me questions about the affair & i'd end up crying, that he'd actually apolgize for upsetting me! I would tell him it's what i deserve & he has NOTHING to be sorry for. But that's the kind of man he is, he couldnt' hurt me on purpose. I know that lots on here, when i was originally posting my story, made comments about how stupid he was or how weak he was for staying with me. I disagree. I think it shows incredible strength to stay and try to work things out when your world has been turned upside down. I admire you for not running & i feel your pain only thru what i've seen i've put my husband thru. This will truly test the strength of your marriage. You are still so early in this, it's still so fresh. I'm months into mine, coming up on a year since i confessed everything to him. And it's still a struggle for both of us some days. Also, i know no one usually gives a second thought to what the cheater is going thru & for good reason. Before i had an affair i never would have. But i have, rightfully so, suffered like i never thought i would. I have to live daily with the guilt of what i did to us & to our marriage & almost to my daughters. And yes, before anyone feels the need to say it, i know i deserve to feel all this & more. But i'm just saying It sounds like he's dealing with that same pain as well. It will take time to get over this. I hope you are sleeping better....i know what insomnia is all about, which is why i'm actually up & answering your post.
outofdarkness Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I should be optimistic ... we're working positively on rebuilding our marriage. And I was just starting to be ok (at least a little bit more ok than when I first found out) ... now I feel stagnate. As you can see from the current hour - I'm not doing so well in the sleep department. Or eating - I just can't stomach much food. But God, how I wish the torturous dreams would stop. He's due back again Monday night, and we are planning on picking up where we left off (see 'Baby Steps') - but first, of course, plenty of QT spent just reconnecting ... but ... I just need him here. I need to feel him close to me, to know we're working on things - to hear him tell me over and over again that it's all going to be ok. To hold me and chase away the monsters in the night. I know I'm just frustrated, because right when we started to make real progress, it was time for him to leave ... and the same will happen again this coming week. This time he has four days at home before he goes again. It's not his fault, nor is it what he wants now either, it's just the way it is with his new job. We knew this would be hard - but we never expected that we'd be dealing with an infidelity on top of it all. And in the blink of an eye, everything changes ... I'm just feeling lonely and scared, and was hoping that logging on here would silence the voices for a while. I'm afraid I'm making myself crazy. Truth is, he's actually being great while he's away - lots of reassuring calls, texts, emails ... he left me over a dozen post-it's with 'I love you' written on them, all over the house, which made me smile for the first time in a long time. I'm grateful for his overwhelming efforts to make sure we've stayed totally connected, and I'm glad - it's like old times again. He hasn't done or said anything to set me off ... if anything, I feel like it's my family who is avoiding me - I don't know why, other than to guess that they just don't know what to say to me, or how to be around me - or something. Do I sound as paranoid and pathetic as I feel? Roller Coaster, indeed. I'm beyond tired, the most I've ever been - yet I can't sleep (when I want to, that is - I can and most definitely have - fallen asleep while washing dishes. Oh, yeah.) And when I DO pass out, from sheer exhaustion - i have these God awful nightmares... there is just no escaping it, is there? It had permeated every bone in my body, every song on the radio (BAD idea, that one) - every activity, every room in the house. The entire universe is different now. And I feel like I'm hanging around, waiting. Which is ok, I'll wait ... but it's hard. And very lonely. Got any cheese to go with my whine? Sheesh. I'm a wreck. Thanks for being here, and for listening. I'm going to try and get some more sleep now - still need the lights on, too ... Bless you...I'm three years out and STILL have the nightmares..Of course, my situation is extreme, as most on LS are aware, but I DO have the nightmares in common w/ other BW..They are aweful, and many nights, I end up waking up acutally crying...I'm so sorry, know how you feel and will be thinking of you...ood
Wibble Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 FWIW I sympathise with you TOTALLY. In my case it was my wife who had the affair, an affair made so much easier by my constant and predictable absences from home (I am an airline pilot.) It is two years since D day, and the recovery has been made so much slower and more difficult by those continued absences. When you are feeling vulnerable, need a hug or are just plain lonely, your sanctuary is 4,000 miles away. By the time you get home the feeling has gone, more often than not replaced with disillusionment. The only solace I can offer is that it DOES get better. There are some weeks when I can go for several days before I wonder why I feel so uplifted, why the world, honestly, seems brighter, and then I realise that I haven't thought about IT for all that time. Of course the spell gets broken, but at least I know that IT will not ruin the rest of my life. So, keep your head down, keep on plodding, and eventually a peace, of sorts, will begin to enter your life.
Lynna Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Ah Angel, I understand completely! And that is part of what drew me to LS in the first place as well, compassionate people to talk to who UNDERSTAND what you are going through. I just read in one of the many books I have been reading to try and work through all of this, that having a support group that you can turn to when your spouse is either emotionally or physically absent is vital. It is even better of course if there is someone physically close that can hug you. You might look around for a support group to get involved with. Apparently there are some out there for people trying to get over infidelity. They, like LS, would be someone safe you could open up to about the details, and even better, they would be able to give you a hug, or to go out for lunch, etc. Keep the lights on at night. Get some good books on tape (or CD) and listen to them as you try to go to sleep. They should help you focus your mind on something else completely, for me that even helped keep the nightmares at bay. Also, then if you can't sleep at least you have something else to think about! Alternatively, there are relaxation tapes out there designed to help people with insomnia. Have yourself a cup of camomile tea before bed. Do some sort of physical activity during the day - some sort of exercise, that always helps a person sleep better at night. There are even some yoga poses that help with insomnia, if you do yoga anyway. If may be harder when he leaves this next time, because you know how much you missed him this time. But focus on healing, focus on the good things that he is doing to try and help you heal. Do things to take care of yourself while he is gone. Try and do something nice for yourself each time, take a bubble bath, do your nails, go out with a friend, etc. Doing things that make you feel good about you will help keep you in a more positive frame of mind. Also, let him know how you are feeling right now. Tell him that while you understand that neither of you has a choice about this at the moment, you need his continuing support in this. Tell him how much everything he is doing means to you and how it is a sort of lifeline to you. If he knows how important it is then he will continue to give you the wonderful support that he has. Hang in there Angel! Big hugs!
Author angel3 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Thanks for the replies, guys. I need support so much right now - it means the world to me. I read in your original thread post that it bothered you more it was not a 'love' affair. My husband felt different. He said to me many times that he would rather it had been a drunken one night stand than to think i could have actually developed LOVE for some other man. That part really hurt him So, maybe it is better that it was simply for sex....not that it makes it any more right, so to speak, but imagine the hurt you might be feeling now knowing he was intimate emotionally with someone else as well as physically. I think, perhaps, that I may not have explained my feelings clearly -- probably due to being so out of it and emotionally distraught: it's not that I'm wishing it had been a love affair - not at all - I have since thought about how traumatic that would have been, with the added issues of emotional betrayal, along with the physical. What I was grappling with, was how I thought I should be ... grateful? that it was only a PA - and that was a bitter pill to swallow, because it is so hard to put any positive spin on it at all. I have progressed with this since first posting those feelings - I AM, in fact, grateful that we both still value our marriage and love each other as much as we do, and that we both want to rebuild and start over. I really am. This experience has definitely driven it home for me, just how much I truly do love him, and how important he is in my life. In other words, I love him with all of my heart, and can't bear the thought of living without him. For that reason, I feel I have to try - to give our marriage a chance to heal. So, I guess that now, I could say that I am learning to feel somewhat relieved that at least it wasn't a romantic or emotional affair along with the PA, because we would be in an entirely different place now. For all the heartache, I take solace in the fact that we are looking forward and beginning again. If he had fallen in love with someone else, I might not be able to say that. But when the shock of the discovery hit me - I don't know - so many overwhelming feelings at once - I think, at the time, that my mind was trying to figure out how he could have risked our marriage and future for the sake of being with prostitutes. Like, all this heartbreak for bought sex?? I struggled to understand it. So, it's not that I would have hurt less if he had an EA or a RA, but rather, maybe it would have ... made clearer sense? No, that doesn't sound right either - I can't articulate this properly, forgive me. It would have hurt more, but I think I fool myself into thinking that if that had happened, maybe he couldn't have helped it - even though I know that isn't true ... I fear I'm not making any sense. At any rate, I have more clarity on this issue now: After all our talks, now I do understand so much more about the whole situation now than I did then. While I still, of course, wish this had never happened at all, I must admit that it is a relief to hear him say that he never stopped being in love with me, not just loving me but rather being totally madly IN love, and that he was acting selfishly and physically only. Of course this doesn't excuse of justify it, and he knows and agrees to that, but it does give us a foundation to build on. Thanks for your encouragement, kind words, and reassurances. I'm sorry to hear that you have had a tough time with infidelity too, and I hope things continue to improve for you both. I also really do appreciate hearing the POV from the other side of the infidelity, and I thank you for your courage in posting here in order to support me. outofdarkness: I'm three years out and STILL have the nightmares. Oh God ... I am so, so sorry. Yes, it is very early for us ... I do realize that we have a very long way to go yet. I'm worried about the process of rebuilding being made more difficult by the continuing absences, you know? I've lost the luxury of feeling safe - and it's made even worse when he's not here. And speaking of which: wibble: ... constant and predictable absences from home (I am an airline pilot.) It is two years since D day, and the recovery has been made so much slower and more difficult by those continued absences. When you are feeling vulnerable, need a hug or are just plain lonely, your sanctuary is 4,000 miles away. By the time you get home the feeling has gone, more often than not replaced with disillusionment.Well, well, well ... what a coincidence, would you believe? My WH has the exact same job. I bet that shines some light on the whole situation. I'd been trying not to bring that info into my posts, only for reasons of privacy - but the truth is, I know I'll be needing my new friends here to help me through this healing journey. And understandably, it puts an even more challenging spin on the whole situation, doesn't it? I bet this clarifies why I have such major, BIG trust issues now ... it has made the entire situation so much more complicated than if, for example, he came home every night at 6. (I am NOT saying that infidelity and recovery is easier to cope with in a 9-5 job; rather, that we have an extra set of circumstances exasperating the situation.) Absolutely everything is impacted by the added stress from his job, and the known stigma associated with this line of work. My sincere apologies for referring to a stereotype, but the truth is, it DOES add an element of distrust, knowing that this type of issue isn't uncommon in this line of work, KWIM? (In your case, though, it seems the opposite happened? Did your W take advantage of your continued absences?? Oh God, I am so very sorry for you, I can only imagine how hard it must be to leave - I know it's hard enough being the one left behind. I hope you continue to work on healing together.) My WH has a crash pad for the next few months, he'll be away so often; then there's also the countless stays in hotels all over God's creation, a different city every night ... no wonder I can't sleep. I think this is why, or at least largely responsible for, how totally and completely hopeless I felt when I first found out. I couldn't even begin to IMAGINE how on earth we were going to be able to reestablish trust in this situation. I must say, hand on heart, that he has gone above and beyond to prove his faithfulness during this current trip. I asked him how on earth he could possibly continue with this level of diligence, but he brushed that aside and reminded me how serious he is, how committed he is, to 'doing whatever it takes for however long it takes, until forever if I have to,' to earn my trust and forgiveness. He has voluntarily gone transparent - his idea - and done so readily and willingly, without reservations or the slightest hint of resentment. In fact, it was ME wondering how this would wear him down, having to go to such lengths for me, and for who-knows how long - and again I was reminded of his strength of love and devotion to me. So. A day at at time, a week at a time, I guess. Right? Ugh. I hope things continue to improve for you Wibble. I'd be interested in hearing how you've coped with the unending separations all this time, if you wouldn't mind - I think it would help me to hear how someone else has gotten through it. If you think you'd be comfortable sharing advice through personal experience with me, then please feel free to private message me sometime. I would really appreciate it. Lynna, thanks for the support and great tips - I'll be sorting some of them out for his next trip later this week. In fact, I'll be buying a few books on tape tonight. You make me feel les crazy and alone, seriously. And you know what - if you're ever up in the stuipid-o-clock hours, we should IM and keep each other company. No fuzzy slippers necessary. He's on his way home now, and unlike when he first arrived home last week, I'm hopeful and relieved. I feel so strongly that we need to be together and rebuilding as much as is possible right now. I hope that these few days we have will be as positive as the week we just had before this trip. It is so very painful and hard - but every step is one closer back together. He'll be getting his STD test results and making our first counseling appointment this time, too. Progress. And maybe, with him back, I'll be able to get some sleep. Any thoughts about medication? I'm seeing one of my Dr's this week, and have been thinking about asking for help with my anxiety, and possibly my insomnia. Has anyone else gone this route? I'm not expecting it to make me better, but if it could help with the out of control roller coaster feeling, where I lose my stomach and keep being sick, then surely it's worth a try?
JustBreathe Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I have read, and I believe, that it takes at least a year to get over the initial shock and pain of it all. It hits you of the blue and it's very traumatic - like losing a loved one - because in a sense that is what happened. For a time, he is not the same man you thought he was. So. Take a year to think before you make a real move. Nightmares and losing weight because of no appetite normal after your spouse has an affair. It's so crushing. Go see a doctor for something to sleep, get some light exercise if you can get yourself outside, and even if you can only drink smoothies, try to get something down nutritious every day. I think you need to try to put your health first right now as mine was horrible for a long time after D-day. I turned into a boney baggy mess. I lost 15 pounds. Lost alot of hair from stress but it's grown back. Could not go outside - just didn't feel like it. My garden dried up. Cried all the way to work and all the way back - a 45 min. commute one-way. Would show up for work with messy hair, wrinkled clothes and red swollen eyes. It's been 5 years and I have never completely recovered. Perhaps if my H had been as attentive as yours after D-day it would have been different for me. But he was mean and cold and even left me for 4 months. Also, he does not speak to me about anything having to do with the affair.. just a few things he has said. Not enough to help me move on though. But.. at least I've gone back to my gardening. Went back to school which I'm enjoying alot. Have made some new friends and am getting out a little more. I don't cry too much over it anymore. Hardly ever in fact although I am still bothered by what he did. You will feel better, I promise. You just need time. Thank goodness your H is sensitive to how you feel.
mountain girl Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Re medication...if you CAN...I'd recommend waiting. I KNOW (well, we all do) just what you are experiencing. That anxiety, emotional ups and downs, the nightmares, the feeling of sadness, worthlessness, stress, crying, and did I say nightmares. But as my IC explained, the problem with meds is that once you are on them...it may be difficult to get off them. Not like an aspirin - one day you take it the next day you don't. So...from someone when went mentally from paradise to hell and back...realize it for what it is. I often say to myself "if I don't sleep tonite I will tomorrow" and that helps. Take long walks. Limit caffeine (hard to do when you don't get sleep), and limit alcohol. Believe, I'm a wino from way back but for some reason it just doesn't taste good anymore and it really screws with my sleep patterns. I've been sleeping great lately...and I have my wits about me to keep my radar up and fully functioning.
outofdarkness Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you by my statement that I still have the nightmares after three years..As I said, my situation is very unique, as so many on LS know... Your M sounds like it's mendable....I wish you the very best..Yes, weight loss and lack of sleep is totally normal after D day...The first thing my IC told me was that I was, quite simply, living and sleeping w/ someone that I did not know...It's very scary, but can be an opportunity to start a new and healthier M...My situation is extreme, and I do not think is mendable... I like the suggestion about staying away from meds and trying to rough it the old fasioned way, but I AM a firm believer that many of us can and do take meds for a short time, just to get us through crisis mode...No, you can't take one one day and not the next, but you can be tapered off once you feel stronger and have been in MC and IC for awhile...I believe that meds and the therapy most likely saved my life.. Take heart, it does get better..Find ways to grow from this experience..Good luck to you and many blessings. ood
InaPanic Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Re medication...if you CAN...I'd recommend waiting. I KNOW (well, we all do) just what you are experiencing. That anxiety, emotional ups and downs, the nightmares, the feeling of sadness, worthlessness, stress, crying, and did I say nightmares. But as my IC explained, the problem with meds is that once you are on them...it may be difficult to get off them. Not like an aspirin - one day you take it the next day you don't. So...from someone when went mentally from paradise to hell and back...realize it for what it is. I often say to myself "if I don't sleep tonite I will tomorrow" and that helps. Take long walks. Limit caffeine (hard to do when you don't get sleep), and limit alcohol. Believe, I'm a wino from way back but for some reason it just doesn't taste good anymore and it really screws with my sleep patterns. I've been sleeping great lately...and I have my wits about me to keep my radar up and fully functioning. Take it from someone who just recently gave up prozac & had a hellish road doing it, try not to go on anti depressents IF you can help it. AT the time i went on them, i was nuts. It was my salvation. Problem is the withdrawal symptoms are so much like the symptoms that put you on meds in the first place that it's hard to stop. This was my 3rd or 4th attempt at going off. And i had many many days of sobbing & not being able to stop & just thinking 'I WANT MY PROZAC!'. But so far so good & i hope i can stay off. Sleeping. well, cant' help you much there. As you can see it's after 2am here & i'm still up. This is after getting 2 whole hours of sleep last night. Sleep still doesn't come too easy for me. but i also have cronic back pain to deal with.
LakesideDream Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Angel3, hang in there. It's obvious that you are having lots of pain and many problems trying to work through your husbands "escort" use. No question he made bad choices that you were not responsible for. On the less disasterous side, in my (nearly worthless) opinion, his transgression wasn't ths same kind of threat to your marriage that a romantic affair would have been. I personally HATE many of the things people do to the ones they love. So many of us slash burn and mutilate our partners emotionally. We (the parenthetic) all fail to realize that what we do today to satisfy our immediate need often has negetive consequences for the rest of our lives. I really hope your husband has learned his lesson, and will never cross the line again. I also hope that you can find peace with what he did, and be able to forgive enough to live happily as time goes on. Be strong, try to avoid the meds, and be patient. Hard to follow advice for sure, but the only alternative to ending your marriage and starting over at life. Best of luck.
Author angel3 Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Thanks, all. I'm already on antidepressants for chronic pain and because of my serious illness - have been for three years. Luckily I have great doctors that helped me vigilantly through the difficult trial and error of finding the right one for me - and what I currently take is well suited. It helped (and continues to) and I have to say I have no issues with it. We already have a long term plan in place for lowering dosage / coming off completely if and when my health improves - but my point was, that's not what I was referring to here. I was thinking more along the lines of short term use, as-needed anxiety meds, used in high-stress situations, like ??? Valium? I had that once before - I don't know if that is still the current Rx of choice, but that may give you a better idea of what I meant? Oh. His health check came back. Lets just say it's not perfect, and that it's kicked it all up again. Another appointment is needed for further testing and discussion. Like salt in a wound and a slap in the face. Thank GOD we hadn't been intimate since - and that I insisted he get tested. It has really flipped me over again. Although, I was relieved that he approached me with this information as soon as he arrived home (once the kids were in bed) rather than waiting for another time during this home stint. He is staying true to his promise to now be totally honest and upfront about all things, and to talk to me when he has something to say, not to wait until I have to ask over and over,'What's wrong?' Obviously he's even more upset now, as am I, but we're trying not to freak too much until we have all the facts. I am standing by him, as I promised I would, but I have to be honest - it is NOT easy. And of course, as mad as I am, I'm still - worried sick about him. So, that's the icing on the cake - as if it all wasn't bad enough to begin with. Now this. I'm devastated all over again. Hanging on for dear life ...
LakesideDream Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Angel3, you chose not to mention what the "health problem" was.. hopefully it is something that can be quickly taken care of by antibiotics. This is really unfair to you. No question you are getting the wrong end of the deal. Your husband has no valid defense or excuse for his actions. Fortunetly he seems to accept responsibility for his actions. The real question, the "white elephant" in the room is what do you do? My situation had nothing in common with yours. When the LTA came to light, I was "burned out" emotionally. The ex was excited about the romantic oppertunity in her life. The kids were adults and out of the house and on their own (sort of, of course). There was no "fight" left in me. That being said, I regret every moment of it. 25 years of my life changed. Memories were permantly tainted or erased. I ended up in a place where my cat was the only creature I trusted. Sadness became the norm. Of course six plus years later things are much better. However, life is still no "bowl of cherrio's". One way or the other, I hope you can get past all of this. Hopefully you will have many future oppertunities for happiness in your life. At this point you might consider detaching yourself emotionally .. at least a little bit. These days I often say, "things could be worse". If I examine the comment realisticly, I wonder, could it be? Meaning that I'm not sure how successfully I would cope with things being worse. I survive and prosper by compartmentalizing some of the unpleasant things. It might work for you. I feel a lot of pain and compassion for your situation. You don't deserve the pain you are feeling. Know that it's going to take lots of time, and many, many good happy future experiances (with your husband, or without) to ease your pain. That's the way the world works. There are no quick fixes to your situation. Angel3, If my experiance helps, use it. If not, ignore the ramblings as those of a damaged old man.
Wibble Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Angel3, it sounds like you are experiencing the mirror of my own lousy life after I found out about my wife's affair. Indeed your feelings for your husband BEFORE his affair sound depressingly similar to mine for my wife, so your utter devastation is something I can relate to. Given the job that your H and I are in, I am happy to try and put your mind at rest over some of the more salacious stereotypes that abound over airline pilots lifestyles. I am happy to pm, but I don't know how! As for your current feelings, well they will be all over the place. You have just found out something that your husband has known about for a long time, and have had to go from nought to a million miles an hour in a heartbeat. Your head is spinning with endless questions and trying to come to terms with awful realities that you thought existed only on soap operas. In my case it took 6 months before I was able to even begin thinking about how to accomodate this new knowledge about my wife into my life. You are at the beginning of a long and VERY painful journey, but it will hurt no matter what you decide to do about your marriage. In many ways I feel those who choose to split up have a slightly easier time. They can let the pain and bitternes rip through them -you had an affair, this is the consequence, you bastard - and move on to a new relationship. Of course all the other casualties - the kids, the parents - never get a look in. Making a go of the marriage involves making a decision to try, and sometimes it feels like you are having to re-make that decision every day. In reality the adulterer has to live with the consequences of what they have done whether they like it or not; as the BS making a go of it, you have made a decision to live with the consequences as well. That can be really, REALLY tough. It is early days, though. Your husband sounds genuinely contrite for his selfishness and cruelty. Let him try and make ammends, but don't let him try and sweep it under the carpet, as he will naturally want to. This thing will eat you up unless you are fully able to come to terms with it, and that will require excruciating levels of honesty and confession from your husband. The best help I had through all this, above counsellors or friends in the pub, was the book "Surviving An Affair". Get it from Amazon. It's a marriage saver! Good luck.
Wibble Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Oh, and for goodness sake, DON'T take anti depressants. You will be labelled a "loony" by the medical profession, and it could jeopardise subsequent issues should the marriage fail. That in itself is depressing, I know, but trust me, what you really need is a good night's sleep. Personally I found those over-the-counter sleep aids from Walgreens etc were bloody awful, but got the Doc to prescribe "Zopiclone". Guarantees 6-8 hours, and no chemical "hangover". "You will be able to face the world after a good kip." If somebody famous didn't say that, they should have done!
FireandIce Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Hang in there, I know exactly what you're going through. For me the nights are the worst. That's when I can't stop thinking about it and I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep in forever. I hate the nightmares about the whole thing and I wake up wondering if what I was dreaming is actually happening or not. Horrible feeling. I'm glad I'm not alone though because I was sort of wondering if I was just overreacting and well....crazy.
Lynna Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 So sorry to hear that the test results were not a clean bill of health. I hope and pray that it is nothing serious, that it is something that can be healed quickly and permanently. You have a right to be upset about this! To comment back on your mixed emotions over a PA versus an EA. I think it is natural to have mixed feelings about this to a certain extent. Obviously you wish that neither one EVER happens. When one does it is only natural to think well, at least it is this, or this could have been worse. I think it is a protective mechanism. Our self-defensive brain is trying to help us by saying, well, as bad as it feels right now, things could be worse. Of course, what we are thinking at this time does not always make sense and is often not logical. There really is no better or worse when you are talking about an A - in all cases it is a terrible betrayal. Each of us will deal with what we are dealt as best we can. So if that means making ourselves feel better by being "thankful" that is was not worse, then hey, run with it if it helps you cope. I don't know if that is making any sense, we had a rough morning here, so my brain is not working well right now. Sorry if this thought offends anyone - it really is not meant too. I am sorry that we are all dealing with the emotions and circumstances raised by our various A situations!!!!! Lynna, thanks for the support and great tips - I'll be sorting some of them out for his next trip later this week. In fact, I'll be buying a few books on tape tonight. You make me feel les crazy and alone, seriously. And you know what - if you're ever up in the stuipid-o-clock hours, we should IM and keep each other company. No fuzzy slippers necessary. Glad I can help!!!!! I will be sure to let you know if I am up in the wee hours! And I will bring the fuzzy slippers just in case.
Melissa277 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 angel, I know exactly where you're coming from. I haven't been able to sleep in a year and a half (since Dday) no matter how tired I am. I never turn my TV off at night anymore because as soon as I do, all the pain and hurt comes rushing back. I've seen every episode of every sitcom on Nick at Night ... like five times. I can recite Roseanne, Full House, and the Fresh Prince ... not exactly a treat, but better than laying there going over everything that happened again and again and again trying to figure out how he could have done what he did, what I did wrong, and all the other nasty things that invade your mind when something so devastating happens. I'll take the Olsen twins over that any night of the week. Hang in there ... everyone says it takes time. Take care, Melissa
Author angel3 Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 Thanks everyone ... it's so comforting to come here and feel less alone - and to feel heard and understood. Ahhh, yes, the Fresh Prince ... there's a marathon of like ten in a row overnight - my saving grace, plus plenty of DVR'd CSI ... and God knows I'd be lost without Nick at Night. I'm seriously considering getting a small TV for in the bedroom, so I'm not afraid to leave my camp-out on the living room couch when he's away. It's like I avoid the quiet and intimacy of the bedroom - even when he's not here. In fact, more so when he's not here. We had always avoided getting a TV in the bedroom for exactly the opposite reason - to keep it romantic and intimate - but for right now, I welcome the intrusion. Perhaps when things are better (and I'm starting to realize how far away that could be) I could always move it into the kitchen. I guess the night time is so hard because it is when we are supposed to be still and quiet. It makes sense, really, when I think about it this way - after a good day, it's only natural to replay my favorite parts as I drift off to sleep. But with a heartbreaking tragedy like this, I'm afraid in those small hours to face the demons that already own most of my day. I don't want to sacrifice my quiet time to them, too. As far as the STD issue - he had his appointment for follow up today. Turns out there is a second positive test, adding to the complexity of this mess. The second can and will be treated, and the dr. isn't even sure it originates from the infidelity, but given WH's history of all-inclusive medical testing with the military, and then for his various licenses recently, we can't imagine how it could have come from anywhere else. SO, we'll be looking into his past records to see if this particular test was ever done, etc. And of course, he's seeing a specialist this week for treatment and cure. Apparently full recovery can be expected, but can take a long time. But then there's the first test that came up positive. Forgive me for being so elusive, it's just hard to say out loud, even here. Too embarrassing and painful, and private, so please understand my need to speak of it from a distance. There's a commercial you've probably seen on TV about a drug that the infected partner can take to prevent spreading this disease to the uninfected partner. It's there for life - there is no cure. And it means that we'll (always? I'm pretty sure?) have to have protected sex. So, needless to say, I'm scheduling an appointment for myself, even though we haven't been intimate since his first encounter - to be tested, and to find out more information on prevention for myself, and about immunization against 'certain types of cervical cancer,' in case I do ever catch it. Since this disease can lead to cervical cancer later in life. Wow, huh? Great. I feel like my fragile little house of cards, all the work I've done since d-day, has just come tumbling down again. This just pushes it all right in my face again, and I feel shoved right back down to where I was when I first found out. Of course our thoughts went straight to STD testing, once this was out in the open - but even then, I guess we quietly hoped deep down somewhere, that it was as a precaution, you know? I guess that's why they say, 'You never think it will happen to you.' What really gets to me - I survived my single years unscathed through extremely careful diligence, and now I'm married, and facing the very real presence of STD's in my life - the one time that I am supposed to feel safe. I can't help but feel resentful, and angry, that he brought this into our marriage and into our home. You know, if I do ever catch it from him - I could pass it on during delivery, if I ever get pregnant again. I can't believe this is happening. He is, of course, absolutely beside himself with grief, remorse and regret. I've never, ever seen him this low. It's hard to feel so angry at him, yet also worried and upset for him too. I can see in him that this has brought the realization home to him even more, if that is possible, of exactly what he has done - to us. A lifetime diagnosis, a future of protected sex between husband and wife - exposing me to serious health risks. He is inconsolable, and then only feels even more guilty when I do try to comfort him in any way. He says he doesn't deserve my kindness, that he doesn't deserve me - and that I certainly don't deserve any of this. And he can't stop saying he's sorry. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for this whole, ugly mess, and this rip in our relationship, and all the collateral damage it is causing. I'm sorry and heartbroken and still, I think, shocked. And realizing how far we truly have to go. I think you're right - that it's hard to stay, to face it and try to heal and rebuild. It will always be there, between us, now in the added form of disease. I only hope that we are as strong as we think we are, and that we really can find a way to recover and rebuild. I wish counseling had already started by now - and I hope it can help us find a way to move forward.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I envy you girls that you can watch TV. I just CAN'T. I've never been much of a TV watcher but now I can't sit through a commercial even if its something I want to see like the news. I have always been a reader but in two years I've only read self help books and that takes reading the same page over and over. I used to read 4 novels a week! All I can bring myself to do is stare at the God forsaken computer. Thank God it's in a room with one wall of floor to ceiling windows and a beautiful view. I actually slept for 3 hours last night, from 11 to 2! WooHoo! Lucky ME. He on the other hand sleeps like a baby! Angel, I'm so so very sorry about the STD's. My husband hasn't been tested yet. It's my biggest fear. I was actually reading up on them this morning about 3. I am very very sorry.
outofdarkness Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I envy you girls that you can watch TV. I just CAN'T. I've never been much of a TV watcher but now I can't sit through a commercial even if its something I want to see like the news. I have always been a reader but in two years I've only read self help books and that takes reading the same page over and over. I used to read 4 novels a week! All I can bring myself to do is stare at the God forsaken computer. Thank God it's in a room with one wall of floor to ceiling windows and a beautiful view. I actually slept for 3 hours last night, from 11 to 2! WooHoo! Lucky ME. He on the other hand sleeps like a baby! Angel, I'm so so very sorry about the STD's. My husband hasn't been tested yet. It's my biggest fear. I was actually reading up on them this morning about 3. I am very very sorry. MAKE him get tested!!! I was and still am terrified about the whole std thing..I even had a thread about it some time back...I MAKE him use protection now if we do have sex and sometimes I just say NO!!! Make this a priority...
outofdarkness Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 MAKE him get tested!!! I was and still am terrified about the whole std thing..I even had a thread about it some time back...I MAKE him use protection now if we do have sex and sometimes I just say NO!!! Make this a priority... and...I was just thinking that I'm just now back to actually reading ANYTHING!! I too, was an avid reader...I've always been a news junkie, and still am, but try to stay away from too much b/c it turns me into a sedate vege...No question..Infidelity changes everyone involved...IMO..Especially the BW!!!
outofdarkness Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Take it from someone who just recently gave up prozac & had a hellish road doing it, try not to go on anti depressents IF you can help it. AT the time i went on them, i was nuts. It was my salvation. Problem is the withdrawal symptoms are so much like the symptoms that put you on meds in the first place that it's hard to stop. This was my 3rd or 4th attempt at going off. And i had many many days of sobbing & not being able to stop & just thinking 'I WANT MY PROZAC!'. But so far so good & i hope i can stay off. Sleeping. well, cant' help you much there. As you can see it's after 2am here & i'm still up. This is after getting 2 whole hours of sleep last night. Sleep still doesn't come too easy for me. but i also have cronic back pain to deal with. Did you go off of them too soon, or mabey didn't hit on the right one..It can take some time to find the right one for YOU..Everyone's chem. is different...NOT touting meds for everyone, just saying to discourage them can be dangerous and/or life threatening...
LakesideDream Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 Angel3, this thing is the gift that keeps on giving to you, isn't it. The "STD" thing has me teetering on the edge. I am positive that that would be a deal breaker for me. At my age, the idea of sleeping with a contagious disease carrier would make my teeth rattle. Sorry but that ain't no, "that horny". I can also tell you from personal experiance, garnered in my younger years condoms are not 100% or 80% the damn things break. Maybe it's time to take inventory of your assets. Personal, financial, and emotional. Nobody would or will blame you for kicking this filth ridden crumb to the curb. He can spend his life paying child support and spewing his virus ridden c*ock into someone else. In my not so humble opinion, there is no life, or sex partner worth risking exposure to an incurable disease.
Author angel3 Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Lakesidedream - I know, I know I know I know, I really do ... it's unbelievable to me, that this is where we have ended up. I'm positively reeling from this - I seriously feel rocked to my core that it has come to this. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I don't know how or if I would have reacted differently had I known all along that this was the case. Would I have agreed to trying again? It's like it doubles, or worse, the pain and problems brought in with the infidelity. It adds to the bigger picture. I mean, learning to forgive and rebuilding after infidelity is one thing. How does a couple get past this? Can we, even? Do I want to? The hard part - I have thought so long and hard, and we have talked so much, and I have pondered our relationship and future, in the week or two leading to this. And I had decided to give him a second chance - I guess, like I said before, we both knew it was a necessary precaution to get tested, but never expected to really have to face this. But now, we have to face this. It's here to stay. Over the days between discovery and now, I had worked so hard, and so had WE, worked so hard, to find a way back to each other, out of this. And now, it's like a spanner in the spokes ... everything is all ... upsetting and confusing again. Not that the infidelity itself is no longer those things, but - how do I say this? I'm frustrated to feel like I'm back at square one, only worse, after all the painful healing and 'dealing with' I've already tried to do. And it feels so grossly unfair on me. How am I supposed to deal with it, you know? How do I face an intimate relationship now, with this? I'm scared sh*tless, I swear to you, I am. Really scared. About him and what will happen to him, about me and the risks, about my future health risks, and then, about the relationship itself again. And once again, I'm still stuck in 'shocked.' I know that he did this to himself (and to me) - but after he has been working so very hard at proving himself to me, and to rebuild, to see him so utterly devastated is hard. This has really, seriously, messed him up - he is completely wrecked, and I think like I said before, it has made what he has done, even more repulsive and despicable to him. Not that it had to come to this to make him feel this awful - he already did. Now - he is ... worse though, even more mad at himself, different. There's a lot of self hate there, a LOT. Thing is - he's not a bad guy, he really isn't. He is a good man who acted very, very stupidly, and made some very bad choices. I believe that the core of him, who he is and how he is made, is as I've known it, which is good. It's what he has done that is bad - not who he is, as a whole. That, too, had a lot to do with my decision to stay. And yet, I am very, VERY angry at him - but I DO love him, that's the only reason I'm still here after d-day in the first place. And because I love him, it is hard to watch him hate himself. And yet then, there is my own anger. And the whole emotional mess itself confuses me. Because I AM mad at him. And I KNOW he brought this on. And yet, he was already so remorseful, and working so, so hard to earn back trust, and forgiveness, taking full responsibility for his actions and for fixing this ... now, he's just a complete and total mess, an emotional wreck. I can't say I blame him - I'm pretty wrecked too, and I can't imagine how rotten it must feel to have brought this on oneself. He is so remorseful it's almost embarrassing, and it hurts. It's genuine, I know he speaks from the heart. Then he says that it makes him sick to see me being kind to him, despite my own anger. That he doesn't deserve kindness. But he is thankful for it. The things he keeps saying over and over, and breaking down sobbing over, are - he is so immeasurably sorry, I don't deserve any of this, he doesn't deserve me and my good and honest heart, he's ashamed of himself, he can't believe how stupid he was and how thoughtless and careless (and stupid - lots of 'stupid' comments) ... and how much he loves me. How much he wishes he could turn back time and erase it all. How he wishes he could stop the hurt I feel. How thankful he is for my kindness. And how he wants to fix this. My God, why? Why did this have to be? When I really thought we had a chance of saving our marriage ... now this? How am I supposed to deal with this? Am I supposed to 'take back' my second chance? How could I do that? All our work, all our love ... yet, I'm worried about our intimate relationship. Will it ever feel 'normal?' Random rhetorical questions - like a loony lady - I don't expect answers to. Unless someone else has dealt with this and can offer some kind of insight. I'm just blowing off steam, I guess. But if there is any advice out there, I'm all ears. We've worked so hard to get to even this point, where we are, in healing. We've both read the book, done exercises together from it, talked it to death, invested time in building new memories both together and as a family, scheduled individual counseling and marriage counseling, made positive changes in our marriage and toward our future ... so much, hard work and dedication - and painful decisions. Now this. How am I supposed to go back on my promise to try again? Then again, how am I supposed to learn to deal with and forgive this? Again, spewing random thoughts and questions. Sorry. I just ... I just don't know what to do. The white elephant in the room has just brought in his whole family and set up camp. WTF! I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. For now all I can think of is a serious talk with my doctor ... and to hope like hell that this marriage counselor is Jesus himself. We're gonna need it.
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