Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Ok here we go I made the mistake of re-starting old threads to get advice, without thinking that without all of the information how can I axpect people to know what I mean I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and he is lovely. We get on so well and apart from little niggle (like everyone has) everything is great BUT the problem is that when he gets the hump over something he just disappears for a few days and wont talk to me about what the problem is. He then calls a few days later and expects to be able to talk like nothing has happened! I cant do this! I have to talk over a problem before it is resolved - I cant just pretend it didnt happen! So this time this is what he did. I went out with my friend on Saturday and he got the hump as I couldnt go out with him the night before as I had my sons friend over and couldnt let him down. He put the phone down on me even though I didnt do anything wrong. He had his kids on Staurday so he couldnt go out anyway. Anyway, On Tuesday he was at my house all day and everything was fine. He had to go and meet his friend that night and I had put dinner on with some for him too. I asked if he was coming back for dinner and he said he would call in 30 minutes to let me know. He didnt call and he turned his phone off. he kept it off all the next day too and I was really worried so I went to his house. He was indoors and told me he left his phone at his friends house ( I dont belive this) I am sure he was getting me back for going out on Saturday because of comments he made after. I got so mad as I felt silly for being worried about a guy who didnt care. He does this alot - Maybe every 3 weeks I have spoken to him numerous times and told him it is un-neccessary and that he can talk to me. I am approachable and open to discussion. I am crying my eyes out now as I know we have to break up as he keeps doing this and I cant accept it!
Keara Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and he is lovely. We get on so well and apart from little niggle (like everyone has) everything is great BUT............. I am crying my eyes out now as I know we have to break up as he keeps doing this and I cant accept it! I'm sorry he's hurt you, again. I think your head knows you need to let this relationship go, because the pain it causes you is hindering you from making your life more fulfilling. This guy isn't going to grow up and I think you know this. One of the worst pains I've ever encountered is having someone repeatedly cut contact in order to punish me for some percieved wrong-doing. You didn't do anything wrong, yet he's punishing you for your actions. It hurts, I know. And worse, it leaves you feeling confused, frustrated, and angry and you can't discuss these feelings with him because he's going to deny doing anything wrong. He'll make excuses, dismiss your feelings, attempt to convince you that you saw things wrong... leaving you even more confused, hurt, frustrated. Feeling dismissed, unheard, and not understood. Until finally something will break inside you, and you'll tell him off. He might get pissed and walk away for a while, but then he'll be extra sweet and loving for a couple weeks to "win" you back, and as soon as he knows your hooked, he'll repeat the same behavior that has worked for him for over a year with you. I think you should read up on emotionally abusive relationships. Even if you don't want to label him as abusive, his behaviors are abusive. They hurt you, and even when you explain how his actions affect you, he continues the behaviors. You do need to leave him. And please, stop waiting around for him to change. His behavior is ingrained. He's been doing it to you for over a year, and I'd bet he's reacted the same way his entire adult life. Changing his response would require him to develop emotional maturity.. and that requires effort. His excuses about leaving his phone places, or it being shut off, or battery dying, are his ways of escaping responsibility. Those are excuses. By not taking responsibility he avoids the problem, and avoids being required to handle it maturely. He makes you deal with the problem... alone. You're the one putting in the effort to make the relationship work. It's one-sided, and it's hurting you.
Author Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Wow Keara you have put my thoughts into words so wonderfully! I feel so upset and cant stop crying - Then I read replies to my other posts with people blaming me and saying it is my fault and it confuses me. I know what I have to do but I dont want us to finish! I love him and I am sure he loves me. He has lost 2 families in the past because of this behaviour. I cant belive he is doing this to me too! This hurts so bad and right now I really cant take anyone telling me this is my fault as I know in my heart I am not to blame in this case. Finishing with him and never seeing him again makes my heart bleed!!!!!!!!!!!
jcster Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 He has lost 2 families in the past because of this behaviour. I cant belive he is doing this to me too! He's not going to change. Who knows what he is doing while he's incommunicado - it's obvious, though that he doesn't care that it hurts you. That should be enough for you to call it quits.
Author Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Does everyone agree I should call it off?
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Ruby, I read back through your previous posts. Things aren't going to change. This is who he is. It's how he controls things. The only way you're going to get through it is by putting up with it and shutting up. You already said you can't do that - so what alternative do you have...?
Author Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Chinook thanks for your advice again hun! Can I ask what you mean by 'how he controls things' what is he trying to control? He knows how I get when he does this as he has done it many times and the outcome is the same ... I give him hell! Why would he do this to control things when he knows i take all control from him when he does it. Do you think that maybe he likes drama in his life? Some people are like that aren't they?
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Chinook thanks for your advice again hun! Can I ask what you mean by 'how he controls things' what is he trying to control? He knows how I get when he does this as he has done it many times and the outcome is the same ... I give him hell! Why would he do this to control things when he knows i take all control from him when he does it.You're welcome. Well, I read back through all your posts and all the problems you guys seem to have had. Your situation mirrored mine before my break-up. You guys are pitched head-to-head in a battle for control. He does it by taking himself away and having a strop about things - creating distance. This sets you off and gives you the hump about it so you then feel the need to take back control by trying to get him to talk. Neither of you is going to win. Sooner or later you will both get exhausted and one or both of you will walk away. Ruby, there is no good ending to this scenario I don't think. Your option is to either accept him the way he is and alter the way you deal with things or to end it because the way you guys communicate over conflict resolution is fundamentally incompatible. I know that's hard to swallow, it was for me too. But it's true. And yes, I do think he has an inkling for the drama. I used to think the same thing about my ex-bf. He created these situations so that he could FEEL things.
Author Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Did your guy used to ignore you too? The more I think about it the stronger I feel to end it. This is so hard because how do you finish with a guy you love? I wish my feeling were not involved!
supertouch Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 my ex girlfriend used to do this all the time. she would never want to resolve arguments and just ignored me. at one point she ignored me for 12 hours as i called every 30 minutes. they say that if you love someone then you don't want to go to bed mad. it's obvious this guy doesn't love you. just end it ( i should have taken my own advice months ago).
Author Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 He does this for 3-5 days at a time! And I havnt even done anything wrong! It is like I am being punished for something I havnt done! Why does he do this to me? He does not show any other controlling or abusive ways!
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Did your guy used to ignore you too? Yup. Sometimes without even a preceding argument or disagreement! I'd find myself being ignored and my gut would tell me something was wrong. I tried all kinds of things to sort it out. I did the histrionics and panic stations and giving him hell. Didn't work. I did the 24-48 hour rule of not wanting to speak to him either. Didn't work. I did the brush-under-the-carpet thing and ignored the whole thing, including him...that didn't work either. The break-up finally came because he lied to me about someplace he said he had been. When I caught him in the lie he tried to say that he was protecting my sensibilities about something and then he did his distance/ignore thing. When in fact, he was simply fcking lying to me. So I wrote him a final email standing up for myself. I told him the things I'd been through in life and the people I know, I don't need protecting from anyone. I don't need anyone lying to me. He replied with "Goodbye" that was it. I've never heard anything from him since. The full explanation, if you're interested is in the first post here.
Author Ruby Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Wow Chinook what a nasty piece of work! Sounds like my ex from 3 years ago!!!!!!!! My new guy is not like him in the way that the only problem we have is this one. He is sweet and kind except when this happens! I have asked him why and he says that sometimes he needs time to think about the problem and then he can talk about it calmly. He tries to get out of talking about it though! Ohhhhhhhhh he is so frustrating!
IpAncA Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and he is lovely. We get on so well and apart from little niggle (like everyone has) everything is great BUT the problem is that when he gets the hump over something he just disappears for a few days and wont talk to me about what the problem is. He then calls a few days later and expects to be able to talk like nothing has happened! I cant do this! I have to talk over a problem before it is resolved - I cant just pretend it didnt happen! Rubes, this guy can't be all that wonderful. Like others said, he's not going to change unless he wants to. See I do this myself. It's a habit I'm trying hard to break. I like to pretend things didn't happen because generally in a couple of days things to back to normal. But see the thing that's different now is I'm called on it and wasn't before. I can't just ignore thigns because a certain someone doesn't let me. What he's doing is immature and stupid.
jcster Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 The break-up finally came because he lied to me about someplace he said he had been. When I caught him in the lie he tried to say that he was protecting my sensibilities about something and then he did his distance/ignore thing. Does he do drugs? The disappearing for days at a time on a regular schedule is a good indicator that he might be. You might want to consider that he might have a bigger problem than being passive-agressive, and he'd rather fight with you about that than upset your "sensibilities."
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Does he do drugs? The disappearing for days at a time on a regular schedule is a good indicator that he might be. You might want to consider that he might have a bigger problem than being passive-agressive, and he'd rather fight with you about that than upset your "sensibilities."To be honest jcster, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to find that he does do drugs - he had a massive sensitivity just to caffeine. One cup of coffee and he was like Tigger-on-speed!! But to be honest, I'm coming to realise there is a lot about the former-Mr-Chinook that I didn't know and will never know. I'm kinda coming to terms with the fact that if someone can keep so much of themselves hidden from me, what's the real point in it at all...? It's his loss really. I'm glad I only wasted 8 months and not 8 years.
Author Ruby Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 He rang me today and we spoke for a bit and I told him I am not putting up with him ignoring me and turning his phone off (he had it turned off all day yesterday). He never says sorry or admits he is wrong when he is 100% in the wrong! Its so damn frustrating. He tells me he is an adult and can turn his phone off if he so wishes! I know I must end things but I am so scared! I wish I wasnt but I am petrified! I love this guy and want it to work!
Author Ruby Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 i am too scared to tell him it is over!!!!!!!!!!!
Author Ruby Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 Update! He kept ringing me and discussing trivial day to day matters like nothing has happened, I tried talking to him about it but it just didnt happen. He wants to just forget about it as he is 100% in the wrong and he does not know what to say! I have ended it with him ... and I have spent all day crying!
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