AngryHeartache Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Well, you haven't told me personally...but I've been reading about NC and how you need to try and be strong. I was talking to an internet friend, who is also friends with the ex, and he told me he had spoken to him earlier and told me a few things that he had said. I really didn't wanna know, and I know I should have stopped him because it's not good for me to hear. But I just couldn't...half of me wanted to know still Eventually I got so angry with my ex (you know...in my head) that I signed off the messenger without saying bye to my friend. I sat there, fuming, realllllly had the urge to call (eventhough he probably wouldn't be awake) or message him and just say everything I was thinking. But I rememberd this site, and some of the advice given to others. And I didn't give in!!! I'm so pleased with myself, lol. I was so angry and it was a close shave, so to speak. This board is really great. It reminds me why I'm doing NC. Because he abandoned me, and he doesn't care enough to answer to me. So why should I, right? Something I've came to realise: when you get that huge urge to contact your ex, try to stop and think you yourself, "this feeling will not last. It will go soon and I'll be glad that I didn't give in" It's so true. The pain may always be there for awhile, but that big urge that you get when somebody has told you something about them, or whatever...that will die down. NC is so hard. It's like giving up smoking. I've never had to give it up, but I imagine it to be like that. Anyway, thank you. To anybody struggling with NC like I am...please try and remember what I've said. It will pass eventually, and you'll be pleased you didn't go ahead and do it. Come read threads on here to help it to pass!
hithere Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Glad to hear you have stayed strong. Yes we all need to support one another. Dumpers don't deserve our time. Everyone remember the words of Kelly Clarkson: "Since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time I'm so moving on Yeah Yeah Thanks to you Now i get what i want Since You've Been Gone" link to video:
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Ugh, we did the break-up-make-up thing four times and that song was one of the ones that he sent to me after the first break-up. Jeez, just goes to show, you never know where the reminders are going to come from. I think NC gets easier when you realise there just really is no point because they don't give a crap about you or what you have to say, so the only person you're hurting is yourself. You may feel better with contact initially but once that initial feeling dies away and you're not getting the response you want (if any at all) it quickly turns to pain and you're right back where you started. {sigh}
uniqueone Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Glad to hear you have stayed strong. Yes we all need to support one another. Dumpers don't deserve our time. I think we should only talk about SOME dumpers not ALL dumpers. If we talk about ALL dumpers then we just start looking foolish and lose our credibility in what we're saying. People can't help not liking someone romantically. But it's the people who treat others badly that we need to talk about here....those who have lied or cheated or who dismiss us. Those who give us the silent treatment, those who cut us down, those who won't talk to us when we're seeking answers. I recently had to tell someone who liked me that I just liked him as a friend. I never was in a real relationship with him...we just went on some dates. He kept pushing me for more telling me that I would develop chemistry if we kissed and made out, etc... and so I finally said I didnt' think we could be friends. When I did this, he said some very cruel things to me. So, in effect, I was a dumper. Yet I don't think that I am bad for doing what I did. Do you? I also helped explain to him and talk to him about it. I told him how he fell way too soon (saying I love you after two dates!) and how that made it hard on me because then I had to be the bad guy and hurt him and how I didn't want to do that. I told him how he should go slower, etc..... So I don't think I was a bad dumper. I don't think all dumpers are bad and I hope we're not categorizing all of them here that way.
Author AngryHeartache Posted July 17, 2007 Author Posted July 17, 2007 *sigh* I just can't stop looking at when he's been online, and what he's posted. I NEED TO STOP THIS!!! I've not been contacting him, but it's like some habit/obsession (I really do suffer from obsessions) and I cannot stop. I know I need to, because I need him outta my mind. It's not doing any good to read his posts and try and find meaning in them. Has anyone got ANY ideas what could help me stop doing this?
AriaIncognito Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I actually blocked myself from some things, like the dating site he uses, for a while. It helped a bit. (blocked myself via my router). Parental controlled myself, so to speak. The best thing to do, is maybe allow yourself a certain number of times and then dont break it. Or say, ok, i really want to check his X but I need to wait 1 hour. If i still really need to look, I can look then. And try to push it off as much as you can. I understand the wanting to hold onto those little threads of them. I do it still too, but not as much as I used to. Eventually, it won't be the first thing on your mind.
uniqueone Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 *sigh* I just can't stop looking at when he's been online, and what he's posted. I NEED TO STOP THIS!!! I've not been contacting him, but it's like some habit/obsession (I really do suffer from obsessions) and I cannot stop. I know I need to, because I need him outta my mind. It's not doing any good to read his posts and try and find meaning in them. Has anyone got ANY ideas what could help me stop doing this? I block it out. I won't look at their ad online (or whatever online connection they have to you.) I'm obsessive too but I'm obsessive in thinking about it (and up until recently, in e-mailing). So maybe tell yourself that you can read them in a week or two---give yourself a time that you'll wait till before you do. Or start small...maybe give yourself a day at first. Then make it two days.......etc...
smwhtshy Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Unique one, I agree, not all dumpers are bad people. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out, you usually figure this out in the first few dates or when you get to know their values. In the case you mentioned above, you weren't a bad dumper in my opinion. Bad dumpers are, like you said, liars, or users, or folks that break up after three or so years together, by leaving a note on the fridge, or who (worse thing) cheat on you, and lie about it. The issue is, most folks that are the "victims" of a good dumper don't have the issues about it ("why did this happen? Why did they lie? What is cuter about her than me?") etc. adn they aren't cruising this site hour after hour, looking for answers. Most victims of good dumpers, who are somewhat emotionally strong, are sad sure, and have their crying into the pillow nights, but they got the info they needed to heal and move on quickly and in a healthy way. Its the victims of the bad dumpers that are on LS, trying desperately to figure it out, or talk to anyone who can give them some insight, or understanding as to what happened..because as you know, the bad dumper victims aren't getting any feedback from the dumpers, and even in cases where its a crumb or two of contact, they usually are in more pain after that, than if they HAD left them alone. Thats what makes this site so helpful, but it also attracts people (in my opinon) that are more likely to have been dumped badly (like me), than respectably.
funkybassplayer Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 I was dumped by an email, and next day i drove to c her. i didnnt try to change her mind because to be honest, i was'nt that happy in the relationship eigher as she had many unfinished previous marriage problems that she brought into my relationship, and she was still very inscure, and i was willing to help, but she never wanted it i guess now i now she was very selfish. What made it really hard for me, was she started crying when i didnt want to stay freinds, then i got, i can be part of her kids lives still, then i agreed. For 2 weeks we spoke twice, and was still quite horny talk i guess, but then she got a new guy,(she must have been looking on sites during the last weeks of our relationship, as this guy turned up right away after the split and she only told me 2 weeks after) she then cut contact compleatly. I felt used, hurt, discarded. I have also not contacted her (best thing i did to show my strenth) But she was hard to get over as i never had a chance to say what i wanted to her kids, and her, and she go in my head on an emotional level, but having n/c really did help me. It really is the way to go, but also quite sad as there were things i wanted to say........maybe 1 day, i dont know.
uniqueone Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 The issue is, most folks that are the "victims" of a good dumper don't have the issues about it ("why did this happen? Why did they lie? What is cuter about her than me?") etc. adn they aren't cruising this site hour after hour, looking for answers. Most victims of good dumpers, who are somewhat emotionally strong, are sad sure, and have their crying into the pillow nights, but they got the info they needed to heal and move on quickly and in a healthy way. I'm not so sure about this part. I'm guessing that the guy that I "dumped" is probably making me out to be a bad person....or at the very least, he's making me out to be a mentally unwell person. He knew I was depressed over things and he had already been using it to patronize me. I am sure he's using this as an excuse to "explain it all" in his mind. I thought his one comment was interesting...."if you're looking for friends, then get off of a dating site." What's funny about that statement is that he assumes that because I like HIM as a friend, that that's why I'm on a dating site...to find friends. He can't fathom that it could just be him. He seems never able to accept that it's him in any regard. Either it's because the other person is "unwell" or it's because the other person is just looking for friends, he figures. And strangely enough...here I am...upset over the person that *I* liked.... thinking "it must have been something wrong with *me*. I am so quick to think it's me and yet the men that I find are the type to never think that it's them.
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