Is there a polite way to suggest aesthetic improvements...?

[Star Gazer]

TBF, I really think it's ridiculous to compare a "beauty mark" on a TOE to a cancer-looking mole on one's FACE. If I'm superficial for being bothered by the latter, so be it.

[ruby_gloom]

i don't think there is a polite way to suggest to him to undergo any surgical procedures, star.

 

i think he is well aware that he has a mole on his face and that he has excess hair on his back, and if he were uncomfortable with it, i think he would have already removed them.

 

asking him to remove something by undergoing procedure just because it is not pleasing to you is not polite, so therefore there is no way to "politely ask him" to surgically remove anything that is not life-invasive.

 

if you are concerned that the mole on his face might in fact be cancerous, you shoud try to find out for sure because it may be and he may be completely unaware that it is, so in that case, you would be doing him a huge favor.

 

however, if you want it removed just because you don't like the way it looks, then i think you need to reconsider your relationship because bringing up something like that will cause the dynamic to change, and probably not in a good way.

 

also, about your comment on finding excessive hair unattractive: i don't find hairy backs attractive, but if the guy i liked had a really, really hairy back, i'd see if he were up to trimming it some, but i wouldn't ask him to undergo a surgical procedure for my sake because--regardless of how you word it--it is for your sake, not his. if he didn't want to trim it, then too bad for me. i'd just let it or him go.

 

it's as simple as that.

[allina]

With the mole I would say something about how you had a similar one on your temple and had it removed because it could have been cancerous, this way you're not being insulting, instead you're acting concerned and admitting that it's something you had done.

 

To me the back hair isn't as big of an issue, maybe because it doesn't bother me or maybe because it's easier to fix, either way I'd deal with the moles first.

 

Either way next time you get a bikini wax and the topic of smooth skin comes up mention that you'd love for his back to be as smooth as your (you know )

[mishy]

Exactly how big are these moles????????

[Zona76]

You're finding serious fault in your man's appearance that can be covered by clothes.

If this were a breath issue, or something else.... it would be worthy a responce. It's his body, as yours belongs to you. Don't try and re-mold him. He'll regret meeting you.

[mishy]

You're finding serious fault in your man's appearance that can be covered by clothes.

If this were a breath issue, or something else.... it would be worthy a responce. It's his body, as yours belongs to you. Don't try and re-mold him. He'll regret meeting you.

 

Ha! exactly, exactly, exactly. If only he knew what sort of person he is going out with!

[sb129]

Exactly, and Herzen and NG are really the only ones to provide me advice in that regard (to which you agreed, TTSP). I'd really appreciate some other suggestions.

 

And me! I think it may have been me who brought up the melanoma topic in the first place!

 

Hey Mishy, ease up mate. You don't need to be quite so harsh on SG. She has a concern and she has a right to voice it on here. And as far as "using cancer", i can see why that upsets you, but you shouldn't condemn people for suggesting that, as the moles probably SHOULD be looked at by a doctor, regardless of their aesthetics.

 

You know, this reminds me of a conversation I had with Wonderboy not long after we started seeing eachother. As a dentist, I used to be pretty fussy about mens teeth, but sometimes love prevails! yes I know.

 

Wonderboy was paranoid that I would judge him by his slightly crooked front teeth. Initially I must admit I did notice the teeth quite alot, but it didn't take long for me to think they were cute, and even though I could change them FOR him for free.....I don't want to. They are part of him, and I love him so to me he is the hottest man in the world.

 

I would change his teeth if he begged me, but I think he would look wierd with a hollywood megawatt smile.

 

However- there have been other threads about people whose SOs either gain or lose alot of weight, and they have asked the exact same thing about how to bring up the topic to their SO. those people have been accused of being shallow and nasty, but in all honesty I think they have a valid point- even though you may be attracted to someone initially, that can change if their looks change. Its human nature, and I think people should be able to talk to their SOs about it.

 

I actually know women who have had botox in an attempt to improve their facial aesthetics, and most men I know HATE the look of botox. I know some men have asked their SOs not to have it again. Not sure of the outcomes of those particular situations.

My exBF hated me with my hair short (so guess what I did when we broke up?)

 

Sometimes we can be attracted to someone, and then find things out about them that aren't our "norm" such as back hair, or other things that can be covered up with clothes. Its the same when we find out personality traits about them that we didn't know existed at the beginning- and they can have a significant impact on our attraction to them too.

 

So, as usual i am on the fence about this one. I understand where SG is coming from, although I think it is a highly sensitive topic, and I can see why many people are discouraging her to say anything.

 

Maybe the more you date him SG the less you will focus on these things, OR the better you will get to know him, and you will find a way to be able to discuss it with him in a way that he won't be offended by.

[Lizzie60]

Herzen waxed his eyebrows for a girl he was DATING, not his GIRLFRIEND. I'm wanting the guy I'm DATING (who is not yet my "boyfriend") to wax his back hair. Why is it okay for Herzen's lady friend to ask, but not me?

 

Last time I checked, waxing back hair wasn't surgery. And having had THREE moles removed in my life, one on my face, while I understand it's technically "surgery," mole removal is hardly something serious. You guys act like I'm asking him to get lipo or a nose job or something!

 

Hum...your first post was about aethetics... you were afraid that it would be a deal breaker eventually...

 

then someone mentioned 'cancer' ... oups.. you add this line to your posts...

 

...then someone mentioned 'it's not like she's acting him to get lipo or something' then you add this line to your posts....

 

Bottom line, you just want someone to give you 'the lines' on how to 'ask' this tactfully... hummm....

[Herzen]

For being (mostly) anonymous and invisible to one another, what is it about wanting to erase minor physical imperfections in others that drives Shackers bananas? Are we all so insecure that we must overreact with outrage when someone inquires as to the best way to suggest to someone she's been dating the removal of moles and back hair.

 

For seeking simple relationship advice, SG has been labeled vain, cruel, egotistical, superficial, etc. It's as if SG had inquired on the best way to kick a puppy.

 

Disney propaganda notwithstanding, appearance matters greatly--especially in the mating game. Beauty, symmetry, form--all play a crucial role in attraction, commitment and love. We are our bodies, and there's a little bit of Pygmalion in many a relationship.

 

If SG had asked about broaching topics like penile enhancement, a nose job or painful life threatening cosmetic surgery, that would have been beyond the pale. But she didn't.

 

I wonder how many jealous and/or resentful Shackers were more intent on attacking SG, a very attractive, young and successful California blonde attorney than defending "mole man". Could SG's attractive appearance have been a factor?

 

I suspect some had axes to grind, and that's why so many acted so offensively over so little.

[dbtmarley]

Bite the moles off with your teeth. You do have nice teeth don't you?

[Lizzie60]

Are we all so insecure that we must overreact with outrage when someone inquires as to the best way to suggest to someone she's been dating the removal of moles and back hair.

 

When someone is disagreeing ...is that overreacting... I don't think so.

 

I wonder how many jealous and/or resentful Shackers were more intent on attacking SG, a very attractive, young and successful California blonde attorney than defending "mole man". Could SG's attractive appearance have been a factor?

 

Not at all... I have nothing to envy about SG... I am quite confident about my looks and success myself...

 

The appearance has nothing to do with it... I've seen other female shakers and they are just as good looking as SG so I don't think this is the issue...

 

Disagreeing doesn't mean being jealous... this is ridiculous.

 

Anyway... I could say a lot more...but I will just leave it at that... I don't want to get an infraction...LOL

[IpAncA]

I wonder how many jealous and/or resentful Shackers were more intent on attacking SG, a very attractive, young and successful California blonde attorney than defending "mole man". Could SG's attractive appearance have been a factor?

 

I suspect some had axes to grind, and that's why so many acted so offensively over so little.

 

Woo took me a while to read this. It's earllllyyyy.:p

 

Herzen come on now. I have no idea what she looks like let alone majority of the people on here. Don't assume everyone knows what she looks like and base their answers off that.

 

Just because people disagree with someone doesn't mean their jealous or have an axe to grind. You should know this along with everybody else. Why this has to be addressed multiple times with people is beyond me.

 

And to answer the question that was asked, no there isn't an easy way to tell someone you want certain things removed. If you want it done, tell him. You don't like it, tell him. I guess you could be real nice about it when you say it. I don't OP but I'm sure you'll think of something.

 

For seeking simple relationship advice, SG has been labeled vain, cruel, egotistical, superficial, etc. It's as if SG had inquired on the best way to kick a puppy.

 

No no no...you are how you want others to precieve you to an extent. If I want people to precieve me as nice, I will come across as that. If I want people to see me as a self-centered b**ch, I will do so. But again this is all to an extent because there are those who well the be nice are just werid.

[Trialbyfire]

I wonder how many jealous and/or resentful Shackers were more intent on attacking SG, a very attractive, young and successful California blonde attorney than defending "mole man". Could SG's attractive appearance have been a factor?

 

I suspect some had axes to grind, and that's why so many acted so offensively over so little.

I can honestly say I have no jealousy, resentment or axe to grind against SG. If anything, I'm quite pleased that she's successful and don't envy her looks. It's not the way I'm wired.

 

As stated, if someone were to suggest to me that I needed to change my appearance to meet their standards of beauty, I would be sad and hurt, particularly within a dating situation. It would make me feel like they couldn't see beyond the surface, that they couldn't accept and value me for who I was inside.

 

If I have a beef about anything, it's about superficiality.

[Herzen]

Woo took me a while to read this. It's earllllyyyy.:p

 

Herzen come on now. I have no idea what she looks like let alone majority of the people on here. Don't assume everyone knows what she looks like and base their answers off that.

 

Just because people disagree with someone doesn't mean their jealous or have an axe to grind. You should know this along with everybody else. Why this has to be addressed multiple times with people is beyond me.

 

And to answer the question that was asked, no there isn't an easy way to tell someone you want certain things removed. If you want it done, tell him. You don't like it, tell him. I guess you could be real nice about it when you say it. I don't OP but I'm sure you'll think of something.

 

 

 

No no no...you are how you want others to precieve you to an extent. If I want people to precieve me as nice, I will come across as that. If I want people to see me as a self-centered b**ch, I will do so. But again this is all to an extent because there are those who well the be nice are just werid.

 

Well, I suppose we can all agree to disagree. I enjoy defending folks whom I perceive are being picked on. For better or worse, that's my style.

 

In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I even criticized SG for piling on.

 

Well that's all she wrote for me on this Thread. Let's see what other flames I can fan.

[ruby_gloom]

i think your post did more good than bad, herzen. it was actually rather offensive because you lumped everyone who said they thought there was no polite way of requesting such a thing into one category: jealousy.

 

star asked if we thought there was a polite way of asking the person she is dating to remove two things from his body she finds unpleasing, and some said yes and gave her a few ways to try to do so, and others said no and explained why they think so.

 

both answers are legitimate. if she only wanted to hear from people who think this is fine and only wanted to get examples of how to request such things, then she should have posted something like: "how can i tell the guy i'm dating to ____", instead of "is there a way to tell the guy i'm dating to ____".

 

do you see the difference? by asking things in a certain way, she is inviting certain responses.

 

my response is that no, there is no polite way to ask someone such a thing, but that if she is really concerned about the health of the mole, then she should point that out. however, if the mole is not cancerous and if he doesn't mind it, then i don't think there is a way to "politely request" for him to remove it.

 

For being (mostly) anonymous and invisible to one another, what is it about wanting to erase minor physical imperfections in others that drives Shackers bananas? Are we all so insecure that we must overreact with outrage when someone inquires as to the best way to suggest to someone she's been dating the removal of moles and back hair.

 

nonsense. you're saying that i'm insecure because i don't think it's polite or proper or any of my business to ask the guy i'm dating to have a mole removed? how does that make me insecure? it doesn't.

 

if anything, the only person who i would think is "insecure" is the person making such a request, really.

 

Disney propaganda notwithstanding, appearance matters greatly--especially in the mating game. Beauty, symmetry, form--all play a crucial role in attraction, commitment and love. We are our bodies, and there's a little bit of Pygmalion in many a relationship.

 

If SG had asked about broaching topics like penile enhancement, a nose job or painful life threatening cosmetic surgery, that would have been beyond the pale. But she didn't.

 

of course it is, and i don't think anyone here is denying that. however, i'm sure star saw the mole when she first met the guy, and if she didn't like it, then she shouldn't have dated him. yes, maybe that is a superficial reason, but it is the equivalent of her asking him to remove it because she doesn't like it. if anything, the latter is worse, imo.

 

I wonder how many jealous and/or resentful Shackers were more intent on attacking SG, a very attractive, young and successful California blonde attorney than defending "mole man". Could SG's attractive appearance have been a factor?

 

I suspect some had axes to grind, and that's why so many acted so offensively over so little.

 

see, this is where you are offensive. i personally don't care whether star is an attorney or not. i wouldn't even know what she (or anyone else) does for a living if she didn't let people know, so i really don't care about the way she earns her money.

 

it's good that she's young, pretty, and successful and well off financially, but that's it. i may not be any of the things she is, but that doesn't make me envious of her, and you lumping me in with the people who are--if any--is offensive and really unappreciated.

[Yamaha]

I don't see a problem with just telling him you aren't crazy about back hair. I think he will get the message if he wants it to become physical.

 

As for the moles, I would tell him about the one on his back. Moles can become cancerous and it is to his benefit to tell him to have it checked out.

The one on his face might be a bit more tricky to suggest but I would just ask him if he is attached to the mole or not? If he isn't then, could he part with it ?

 

End of story.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll just throw in one more potential look from the opposite perspective.

 

If someone you were dating were to suggest you lose 10 lbs to make him happy, therefore stay with you, how would you feel? How about if he tried the spin of, being thin is much better for your health? Would it make you go on a crash diet to keep him considering how little you're invested during a dating relationship or would you say...sayonara...go find yourself an anorexic?

[Sheba]

I agree with Ruby Gloom - this man sees that facial mole every time he looks in the mirror. He knows it is there and if he wanted to remove it -well, he would have done so. I am sure he is equally well acquainted with his hairy back, and yet it is still hairy.

 

Perhaps there is a slight possibility he does not realize what the mole on his back looks like.

 

StarGazer - I agree with those who say there is no polite way to suggest these changes. I could see a person making a suggestion like this - very gently - to a dear friend or their long term spouse, but in a dating relationship I feel it is most likely to be a relationship killer. My wager would be on him dumping you then following your advice.

 

If you choose to tell him - will you report back?

[Yamaha]

I am sure he is equally well acquainted with his hairy back, and yet it is still hairy.

 

Alot of guys that are hairy have a problem with it but they just don't look into changing it because that would seem girlie.

[mishy]

Bite the moles off with your teeth. You do have nice teeth don't you?

 

 

:lmao::lmao::laugh::laugh::eek:

[mishy]

And as far as "using cancer", i can see why that upsets you, but you shouldn't condemn people for suggesting that, as the moles probably SHOULD be looked at by a doctor, regardless of their aesthetics.

 

 

Ofcourse they should be looked at, that is not my point. Go back to her first post, and re read it. And i had no idea what she looked like until someone PMd me after i'd written most of my posts.

[McFadden]

If you have to bring it up it should be in a straightforward manner, so he knows that you have a problem with it for aesthetic reasons. I wouldn't try to make health related excuses unless you are honestly concerned about that. He should know where you're coming from, who knows he might want to stop going out with you because of this so I guess it would be mutual.

[lindya]

I also believe that if you're planning to raise the hairy back/moles issue with this guy, it's best done in a fairly matter-of-fact manner.

 

I think it's when people pad personal comments out with "this is embarrassing but..." or "I don't mean to offend you, but" that it cuts deepest. When you pussy-foot, you're revealing your own discomfort - and if you're uncomfortable when talking about someone's personal aspects, then they're going to be doubly uncomfortable listening. Too much emphasis on tact and diplomacy can result in unsafe feeling atmospheres where the person is left feeling that their flaw or problem is quite literally unspeakable.