Amazed at the great advice on this site! I need some!!!

[startingover2007]

Hi--After reading all of the support available on this site, I figured that I would throw the dice and see if anyone had an idea of what I should do... I am a believer in the thought that things happen when they are supposed to and that one can't rush something or make something happen if it's not meant to work... but it's difficult to apply that theory to my life because I'm the most impatient person on the planet... and I'm kind of sad today. I have been dating this gorgeous man for the past 2 1/2 years and we have lived together for the past 2.

 

He is also one of the nicest people that I know and he is really good to me. (Even if he is totally annoying at times, but I guess that's everyone...) Anyway, I'm 29 and he's 28 and I think that he's not ready to get engaged... and I totally am. I know that it's awful to need that security... but I do. I just finished my masters and I really wanted him to ask then...but he had said, "give me until the fall--this coming November--and if I don't ask you, you can leave me. And I don't know what he's waiting for... Why are the extra few months a necessity? Is there anyone else out there that has stalled that can explain this to me--any suggestions are helpful. My opinion is that it is one of two things(or maybe a combination of both): 1) he needs extra time to decide whether I really am right for him, or

 

2) (what he says) that he needs to get his life together before he can ask me... because he just lost his job and he says that he would be embarassed to talk to my father... and wants me to wait until he can support me... And he may be right because both of my sisters are married to surgeons (and my family is a little pretentious, so there is a chance that they would look down on him) but I promise that I really don't care about that... Oddly, I also think that he's a little jealous of my success... which is so strange... I am totally supportive of him. But three things stood out recently--the first was that I was quoted in a magazine--and I was so excited! I still am! And he started talking about his own job and how bad things were, instead of being thrilled. If things were reversed, I would put his article on the fridge and tell everyone about it. The other time, he mistakenly threw out the newspaper when I was quoted in it.

 

I would think that most people get excited about things like that. I would never inadvertently do something like throw out something of his. Thirdly, last night when I got home and called him to say good night, I said, "Are we going to get married?" And he said, "Eventually." What happened to by November? Maybe I have been applying the pressure pretty hard lately... but I just am sensing that he is getting depressed. He has been looking for a job for about a month and a half now and it's tough. But I pay the mortgage and all of the bills... and I don't think that it's bad enough to not get engaged... but the core issue is that he has limited direction and I am far too impatient. Whew. Sorry that this was so long. Beyond being pathetic, am I too pushy or does he seem like a staller? Thanks for your help!

[uniqueone]

Why would you want to get married to someone who's not ready to? Maybe he does want to marry YOU but not right NOW. I mean, who could really think about a wedding when they don't have a job? They have job on their mind pretty much all the time. When he gets the basics going smoothly then he can get onto other things, such as marriage.

 

He figures that after marriage there will be even more demands on him which he can't handle right now. At least now, if you keep placing demands on him, he can bail out if he has to. You're really stressing him which he doesn't need right now. I would stop talking marriage completely. I would also examine why it is so important for you to be married right away.

[sb129]

Why would you want to get married to someone who's not ready to? Maybe he does want to marry YOU but not right NOW. I mean, who could really think about a wedding when they don't have a job? They have job on their mind pretty much all the time. When he gets the basics going smoothly then he can get onto other things, such as marriage.

 

He figures that after marriage there will be even more demands on him which he can't handle right now. At least now, if you keep placing demands on him, he can bail out if he has to. You're really stressing him which he doesn't need right now. I would stop talking marriage completely. I would also examine why it is so important for you to be married right away.

 

I agree. Your BF is in a really tough spot right now, and isn't as secure financially and in his career as you are. But instead of recognising that and backing off, and being supportive while he looks for a job, you are banging on at him to ask you to marry him.

which to him, won't be a high priority right now, getting a job is.

 

He already said to you he wants to get his life together before he asks you- why don't you chill out and let him do that?!

 

Put yourself in his shoes.... if you had no job, and no money, would you want to get married?

 

Your BF probably sees marriage as a commitment that requires financial security before he makes it, which it IS.

And he has a sense of pride, he will want to be contributing to the household- I would bet you that its very tough for him that he can't right now.

 

If he did ask you, how on earth would he be able to afford a ring, and a wedding and all the things that are expected following an engagement? Would you be happy with a cheap engagement ring?

 

Your familys opinion probably DO matter to your BF, and he is respecting that by NOT asking you right now. He doesn't want to ask you while he has nothing....

 

You should respect that, and concentrate on supporting him while he finds a job. Just because YOU are ready it doesn't necessarily follow that HE will be ready.

there is no cut off age to get married, i am 29 and my BF is 32, we are still cruising along with no time limits or ultimatums, and we are happy.

 

If you truly love him, then you will let it go, and wait.

[startingover2007]

This is really helpful and constructive. Thank you both! I know that I've been so pushy. I guess that I am just starting to feel so old! And I keep hearing from people...."if he doesn't ask you within 2 years, he's never going to," etc...

[Trialbyfire]

Marriage should only be for two people who are ready to settle down. Pressuring someone else who's not ready will only them away. Don't be in such a hurry or attempt to set it based on your timeline. Relax and enjoy your relationship as it stands currently. I do agree with the other posters that you should be supporting his job hunt.

 

I would be concerned with anyone who's not supportive of your career. This may cause issues later if his ego can't take it.

[sb129]

Good post TBF....

 

She is right SO, nagging your BF will only push him away.

 

Hopefully he will be more supportive of your career when he gets his own on track.

 

Don't feel old!!! There is plenty of time.... I am the same age as you, and I am not worrying yet.

 

Good luck..

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks sb. Btw, thanks also for filling in the word "push" for me. It's a good thing this thread isn't about clear communication.

[uniqueone]

This is really helpful and constructive. Thank you both! I know that I've been so pushy. I guess that I am just starting to feel so old! And I keep hearing from people...."if he doesn't ask you within 2 years, he's never going to," etc...

 

Well I'm a heck of a lot older than you..and guess what? You really don't turn into a pumpkin! lol Marriage isn't everything and you really need to start seeing it realistically. At my age, you see all the divorces, all the kids carted back and forth and all that stuff. A lot of those people went into marriage with TOO high of expectations. And when their fairy tale marriage didn't materialize, things got ugly.

 

You think that marriage is going to make things more secure. Look at the divorce rate...it's 50%. And say that someone stays with someone but no longer loves them. Is that secure? I know couples like that and believe me, they'd rather be alone but many stay together due to kids or other things. It's not pleasant to be in a house with a spouse whom you can't stand.

 

I hate to paint this picture and I don't mean to drown any hopes here. It's just that I've seen a LOT. You probably all would laugh if I told you some of the marriage/divorce stories of people I've known.

They range from "She left me for another woman" to "He went out for doughnuts and never came back."

 

I kid you not. Those are real-life situations from people I know. And those are just two of them.

 

I'm just telling you. PLEASE be realistic about marriage. Too many people haven't been.

[startingover2007]

Ugh!!! It's just so frustrating. In case, it hasn't come across loud and clear--I have that wonderful and attractive quality of being a control freak. Always appealing ;-) So, not having any idea of timing or his intentions throw me off, completely!

 

And, by the way, I am extremely supportive of his job search--I helped him with his resume, bought him a gorgeous banana republic suit, introduced him to recruiters and had my friend offer him a job as a stockbroker. I don't think that because I want him to marry me, one can equate that with me not being supportive.

 

And I am a little nervous because he is less supportive of my career. But, once he gets to where he wants to be, I think that he'll be better.

[startingover2007]

Every time that I respond someone writes something even smarter and better!!! I'm just going to stop writing! Thank you all---I hope that I don't turn into a pumpkin!!!

[uniqueone]

 

I helped him with his resume, bought him a gorgeous banana republic suit, introduced him to recruiters and had my friend offer him a job as a stockbroker.

 

I'm thinking this is why he's backing off on marriage. He's feeling like a kept man. He's feeling emasculated.

You need to give up some control. You need to let him get on his feet more on his own. You can help him with job leads and networking but don't go as for as handing him a job. He won't feel he's earned it and he'll feel like a failure.

 

And right now, since he has no job and you're a control freak, he feels that you have total control over him. He's dependent on you now and he doesn't like that AT ALL. Who would? That puts him in the role of a child. You need to let him be a man.

[sb129]

I think he will think you are being more supportive if you let up on the marriage talk for a bit....he actually told you that he wants to get his life sorted out before he even thinks about marriage. Which answers your question! You really do need to respect that for now.

 

I know how it feels to be a control freak, but in a relationship, there are TWO people, and you have to accept that the other person may feel differently about some things to you. This can change according to circumstances.

 

Happiness and timing can go hand in hand.... if he isn't ready, he won't be happy if you try and force him into it.