Am I completely pathetic?

[kittensmittens]

I really have no idea where to post this....

 

I've already posted quite a bit about my relationship and most recent break up in the coping section. It's a long complicated story, but basically we've broken up 4 times. The first 3 were all pretty much the same--he couldn't deal w/ problems of mine, dumped me, came back. This time, it was a big misunderstanding. But, long story short, the break up was initiated by me leaving town after finding out he had lied about some things--mostly porn, but a few other small things as well.

 

So, right after I "left him" (it still irritates me b/c that wasn't my intention)....he fooled around w/ our neighbor (possibly even slept w/ her). My guess is that he thought it was absolutely over this time, being the 4th time and this time I left him (in his mind), though I don't know. We haven't gotten back together, I still don't know if we're going to or should. But I want to.

 

Does it necessarily mean that he doesn't care about me, for him to go out and do this? Or was it just the circumstances? Is it proof he'll cheat on me eventually if we do get back together? Is this more or less a "guy thing"? I truly don't know! I'm hurt that he would go RIGHT out and do that, but I want to forgive him and have him back. Am I just being stupid and pathetic for wanting that?

 

I'm also bothered by the fact that she is not his "type". I know that sounds weird but....it's like another of his little lies. She doesn't fall into the category of "his type" even remotely.....so I just wonder if he was just angry/hurt/horny/wanted to get over me and she was just there..?? Or if I just never really knew him and he's all a lie.

 

Everyone around me thinks I'm being pathetic for still wanting to be w/ him after he did that, and my closest friend said "don't come crying to me when he breaks up w/ you a 5th, 6th, 7th time and cheats on you". Then she told me I'm pathetic and to get some self respect. That stings, but maybe she's got a point. I just don't know....I WANT to forgive him and be w/ him again....but I don't know if I'm just asking to be cheated on eventually. I don't know.....is what he did completely despicable? Forgiveable/unforgiveable? Am I just completely pathetic???

 

I really would appreciate some input, because I'm totally confused.

[uniqueone]

I don't know if I can give you much advice, but I can tell you that I do a lot of what you do.....you don't seem to know what to accept and not accept. And I know that isn't good either. We're supposed to know this...we're not supposed to have to ask people. The fact that we have to ask people is scary. It makes us very vulnerable.

 

We should know what we tolerate and what we don't and yet we ask others what we should. And the thing is, we'd listen to what others told us. If they told us we should accept this as normal, we would. Do you see something wrong with that picture?

 

I'm aware that I do this and I'm aware that it's not right and needs to change. Are you aware that you do that?

 

As for him messing around with a neighbor, it sounds like you two were broken up at the time from what I understand.

[kittensmittens]

We should know what we tolerate and what we don't and yet we ask others what we should. And the thing is, we'd listen to what others told us. If they told us we should accept this as normal, we would. Do you see something wrong with that picture?

 

I'm aware that I do this and I'm aware that it's not right and needs to change. Are you aware that you do that?

 

Thank you, I appreciate your input. Yes, I realize I do this and that it's probably not good at all. I do know however, that I'm still learning as I go....I tend to make a big deal out of things that aren't a big deal, and I could very well be doing the opposite a lot too. Sometimes something may seem horrible....and then when you talk to others, it's really not. But I know what you mean. I do need to have more solid footing...

 

As for him messing around with a neighbor, it sounds like you two were broken up at the time from what I understand.

 

And that's what makes it so confusing for me. I feel like because we were broken up at the time, it could be forgiveable. It technically wasn't cheating and as far as I know he's never cheated. But he did this right after we broke up. So maybe that's why it's not forgiveable. I know that certainly is the part about it that hurts the most...

[pineapple2007]

Ok you said the girl is not even remotely close to his type.

From my experience with that exact thing (u know u perfeclty fit ur guys type but he leaves u for someone NOT his type) Only meant that he was there for a specific REASON weather it be money, quick sex, food, place to stay, etc.

My guess is that he is NOT happy being with this other person so quickly. No one can detatch that quickly. But men are good at repressing all that and painting a smile on their face...

 

He doesnt care enought about u...,it seems he doesnt know how to handle the break and ended up rebounding.

 

Oh and by the way, DONT GO BACK WITH HIM. UR FRIENDS ARE RIGHT. You will be just setting up a trap for urself....

[kittensmittens]

My guess is that he is NOT happy being with this other person so quickly. No one can detatch that quickly. But men are good at repressing all that and painting a smile on their face...

 

He doesnt care enought about u...,it seems he doesnt know how to handle the break and ended up rebounding.

 

They are not in a relationship together and I sincerely doubt they ever will be. I don't know if that makes any kind of a difference though...

[norajane]

A relationship that involves 4 break-ups already does not sound like the kind of relationship that will ever be solid.

[uniqueone]

A relationship that involves 4 break-ups already does not sound like the kind of relationship that will ever be solid.

 

This is a good point. What is it that keeps breaking you two up and why is that issue never being resolved?

[kittensmittens]

A relationship that involves 4 break-ups already does not sound like the kind of relationship that will ever be solid.

 

This is a good point. What is it that keeps breaking you two up and why is that issue never being resolved?

 

The first 3 were mostly b/c of my problems--namely mild to severe depression and jealousy/insecurity. They just created a lot of friction, but looking back, his own problems exacerbated mine (and vice versa) and made it more difficult for him to deal w/ it all. He left me every time when it all reached a breaking point, and then came back every time. I still have my ups and downs w/ the depression, but I have only recently (a few months ago) begun to gain control over the jealousy...which was a huge contributing factor to our past breakups. And there were significantly fewer fights. Things seemed to be getting noticably better. Not perfect yet, but still... He even noticed. Then the 4th break up....

 

I still feel like the 4th one shouldn't have happened and didn't have to happen. Everything was going fine until I finally found out again that he had been lying about the porn. It wasn't the porn I was upset about, but the lying. I wasn't even all that upset. I should have confronted him differently, the entire THING should/could have gone differently....but it was a huge misunderstanding that resulted in us breaking up. I made an ultimatum a long time ago that if I caught him lying again (about the porn) that would be it. I made it clear when I found out again that I didn't appreciate the deception, but I didn't make any of my other, more current feelings clear. So he, supposedly, thought it was over again when I left town. I thought it was over when he sent an email telling me to move my stuff out. We didn't discuss any of it until my stuff was already in a moving truck.

 

So...the short version is that the first 3 breakups were completely different from this one and the contributing factors were being addressed.

[funkybassplayer]

I think maybe you should take some time out for yourself, away from a relationship, as you both sound like you need space, and apart from any relationship, you need to be happy so your not looking to some1 else to make you happy. They should just add to your life. i was involved with a lady that had boughts of depression, and very insecure, and it totaly drove me away to the point that i didnt want to take her calls, but that was because sge never wanted/appriciated my support.

[LakesideDream]

Kittensmittens, be honest with yourself... it wasn't "about the porn", or lying either. It was about power in a the relationship.

 

From your writings, you want things your way. You are a controlling woman. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. There is often truth in the adage: "Behind every successfull man is a strong woman".

 

From your writings it seems like you attempt to maintain an emotionally superior position via conflict. You expect your guy to bend with your moods/depression, adjusting to you. You (and many women) actually believe that your guy is going to honestly discuss his porn viewing with you... never gonna happen.

 

It's predictable that when you "broke up with him" that he went out and burned the bridge. When an army retreats it scorches the earth behind it. Your guy is in full retreat.

[Lizzie60]

from what I read here... I think you should move on...your relationship is a roller coaster.. this is very hard, and rarely works in a long run.

 

I still feel like the 4th one shouldn't have happened and didn't have to happen.

 

You're saying that the 'only' time you broke up with him shouldn't have happened????

 

It's OK for him to break but not for you... What would happen if you go out and have sex with someone else when he breaks up with you?

 

Your guy will cheat.. definitely...sorry to be so harsh but your friends are right.

 

I made an ultimatum a long time ago that if I caught him lying again (about the porn) that would be it.

 

When you give an ultimatum...you have to follow through with it..otherwise...if you don't..it only means you're too 'weak' (read doormat) and you take him back...he will then leave you again... you will take him back..and so on and so on. He will sleep with other women... when he will be on a 'break up'...

 

What if he breaks up every time he wants to see another woman? Then come back if it doesn't work out with her. Will you take him every time?

 

Is that what you want?

 

So he, supposedly, thought it was over again when I left town.

 

So, my advice, move on... forget him. you will only be unhappy and miserable with him...

[kittensmittens]

Thank you all for your posts...

 

I think maybe you should take some time out for yourself, away from a relationship, as you both sound like you need space, and apart from any relationship, you need to be happy so your not looking to some1 else to make you happy.

 

This is pretty much what we're doing at this point. He says he needs time to reevaulate, so I suppose that's what I'm doing here as well..

 

be honest with yourself... it wasn't "about the porn", or lying either. It was about power in a the relationship.

 

As I said, it had nothing to do w/ the porn. And I have been controlling in the past, yes. However, I had been working specifically on that issue, along w/ some others in counseling. And it had been helping. But I also realized I was taking a little too much of the blame. There was definitely a power sturggle going on for a long time. But once I started changing, things seemed to be evening out a little more..

 

When I found out he was lying about the porn, I almost considered not saying anything at all and letting him have his "secret" (really!). But then I thought b/c he was doing that it meant he was not respecting me. I posted in another thread about this, b/c I'm still confused on that one too, since it is afterall, porn. But I just thought I had to stand up for myself--let him know that's it's not ok to insult my intelligence and disregard my feelings. I wish I had either gone w/ the first option or approached it all differently b/c I also wanted to let him know that I didn't care about it anymore, I just don't appreciate that he was consciously disregarding my feelings--he can have it, just don't let me see it! Unfortunately, this part was said AFTER everything was said and done. Stupid me.

 

But maybe you're right... maybe ultimately it did have to do w/ power and I felt like he was undermining that. I had already given up a lot of it....so maybe I felt he was taking away the last little bit. I don't know..

 

It's predictable that when you "broke up with him" that he went out and burned the bridge. When an army retreats it scorches the earth behind it. Your guy is in full retreat.

 

So does this mean it's irreversible? ..Can the bridge ever be built back?

[kittensmittens]

You're saying that the 'only' time you broke up with him shouldn't have happened????

 

I'm saying it didn't have to turn out this way. And I never actually broke up w/ him. It was a complete misunderstanding on both sides.

 

Your guy will cheat.. definitely...sorry to be so harsh but your friends are right.

 

What do you base this on? Would you mind elaborating a little...?

 

When you give an ultimatum...you have to follow through with it..otherwise...if you don't..it only means you're too 'weak' (read doormat) and you take him back...he will then leave you again... you will take him back..and so on and so on. He will sleep with other women... when he will be on a 'break up'...

 

Honestly, I am afraid now that he won't take me seriously in the future, if we get back together. My feelings had genuinely changed regarding that ultimatum, (which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing), but I just wish I had clarified my feelings BEFORE all of this.

 

And I think we've pretty much reached our limit on breakups. Had this one been simply a rerun of the others, I don't think either of us would reconsider at all. If we even decide to give it another go....I know it'll be the last attempt.

 

And as far as I know, he hasn't been w/ anyone else anytime before this in the past 4 years. I don't know if that means much though..

[funkybassplayer]

There is often truth in the adage: "Behind every successfull man is a strong woman".

 

.

 

 

But there is a differance between a strong woman and a selfish one, a huge differance.

[funkybassplayer]

Kitten, you seem to have an answer to every one elses point of view, so your gonna do what you think is right, but there are many people here saying the same thing, so maybe you should think about this.

[kittensmittens]

Kitten, you seem to have an answer to every one elses point of view, so your gonna do what you think is right, but there are many people here saying the same thing, so maybe you should think about this.

 

Sorry if I seem a bit stubborn. I tend to be that way sometimes. It's just all so frustrating because things were going much more smoothly and seemed to finally be falling into place, more or less.....and then this. I'm kicking myself now for handling things as I did, even though I know he could have just as easily done some things differently as well. I would like to believe that he only messed around w/ that girl b/c he thought it was over for certain and had nothing to do w/ how much he ever cared about me. But maybe that's just not true and I just need to face it....

[funkybassplayer]

Sorry if I seem a bit stubborn. I tend to be that way sometimes. It's just all so frustrating because things were going much more smoothly and seemed to finally be falling into place, more or less.....and then this. I'm kicking myself now for handling things as I did, even though I know he could have just as easily done some things differently as well. I would like to believe that he only messed around w/ that girl b/c he thought it was over for certain and had nothing to do w/ how much he ever cared about me. But maybe that's just not true and I just need to face it....

 

 

You will only start to move on when you can face that no matter what you say or said, it will make no differance at the moment, as he does not want the conatct. Its normal to want to try to get them to talk, but you have to know when to walk away, and keep your self respect. That is very important if there is going to be any chance of a friendship in the future, is how you are acting now, and by that time, you may not be interested anyway. Time, and life can be strange, and is full of twists. But for now, know its over and start to heal for yourself.

[kittensmittens]

You will only start to move on when you can face that no matter what you say or said, it will make no differance at the moment, as he does not want the conatct.

 

That's actually what makes this even more difficult...he is completely ok this time w/ keeping the lines of communication open. For me, it's just a reminder of what I don't have now.

 

I mentioned in another post how he still tells me he loves me before getting off the phone and even called me sweetie the other night. And he has told me about a zillion times now that I shouldn't have left, so it doesn't really help that either--especially when he follows with "well it's done now"...or something like that.

 

The other morning I called him, crying hysterically and he said "just give it some time.....no, it shouldn't have happened like this......but it did so now we just need to take some time to reevaluate". Then before getting off the phone he said "I DO love you". I don't know if I'm waiting for anything or why exactly it is I'm the one waiting.....but it hurts so much.

 

I'm trying really hard not to call him up, but I just know I'm going to break again. I know I should be doing it to help myself move on, and I guess I partly am......but I really am hoping he'll miss me more. UGH.

 

but you have to know when to walk away, and keep your self respect.

 

And this right here is what I seem to have just a little bit of trouble with...

[funkybassplayer]

Its strange he says that but woes not want the relationship. I think its things that maybe you dont need to hear because nothing will come of it, and he may be just playing you for the back burner role. A place you really dont want to be.