Daughter in law.

[wits end]

I have a daughter in law who is 33 years old and she and my son have been together now for about 7/8 years. In all that time, I have met her twice. To date we have met no one else belonging to her. On one occassion she came to visit us with her son and my son her partner. They stayed for a few days and then had a row over money. I loaned my son the money (he said he'd forgot his wallet). I never got the money back.

The second occassion was when my son invited us to their home to see the new baby our grand child. When my husband and I went along with our daughter , my sons partner came to the door and told us to get away. When my husband objected she called the police. We weren't staying there, we were in a hotel, and had been invited by our son. She said my husband screamed and shouted, which he didn't since we had our daughter with us and the police took him away. They held him over night and let him go the next morning. This is usual practice since it was in the evening. I refused to speak to our son for nearly three years.

Now we are on good terms again, but he is having really big problems in there relationship. We have only had contact with our grandson for a little over six months. I told him, I didn't want to know, I prefer it like it is with no contact because its easier at our age. We are in our mid fifties.

Every weekend they argue and then he is on the phone telling us about it. He is drinking heavily, as is she. They both work and have two good incomes, but now his job is under threat and the hours he works and the money he brings home are not so good. Perhaps this is the reason. What ever the reason I don't want anything to do with it, but I feel so guilty.

I have always been there for my children, and since this is my first relationship with a DIL/son of this nature I am at a loss as how to proceed.

I don't want to not be there for him incase we lose contact with our grand son.

How can I handle this?

[Born Again]

Hello Wit’s End.

I read your scenario initially because there were no posts to it. After reading it, I can directly identify with some of the things that your son is going through. Please keep in mind the advice I am about to give you is in response to how things seem from your son’s point of view.

 

In order to move forward in this situation, I believe that your first priority should be to better build up the relationship you have with your son and with his wife. That is easy to say, but how do you go about building up your relationship with them?

 

First off, it sounds as if though you may be placing a little too much importance on the money you lent him. You are worrying about it, and he can probably read that in your actions and body language. I don’t know what the sum was, but it is probably small when compared to the value of your relationship with them. I would not worry about the money if I were you. Think of it as investing in the relationship with your son.

 

Secondly, it sounds as if though your son and his wife choose not to include you and your husband in her extended family for some reason. They probably feel safer having it that way, otherwise you would have met more of her family. They probably feel that having you and your husband get together with her side of the family would cause bigger problems, and so they choose to keep it like that. The attitude that her mother and father may have towards you and your husband may be causing that decision. Or, it could be that you and your husband may have expressed negative sentiments about her side of the family. Or maybe a little bit of both. Somewhere in that mix lies the reason why you have not met the in-laws, I am convinced of that. I can’t tell you, as I don’t know from the little information given. But I suspect it is the case. Try to understand your son’s viewpoint and why you are not included in her family. I am convinced it holds the key to moving forward in your relationship with them.

 

I understand you that it is easier at your age not to be involved in your son’s problems. And that is OK, you definitely don’t want to meddle in his affairs. But completely stepping out and not being supportive for him and your daughter in-law will be viewed as ‘indifference’ and ‘not caring’ by him and his wife. That is probably why you are feeling guilty. Your feelings of guilt are signals from your heart that something’s not right there. I would think you should support him as best as you can. You and your husband are older and have more experience in life. You both can provide them with advice and loving support, if they ask for it. Follow your heart, I don’t think you will go wrong.

 

On the other hand, what will happen if you ignore those feelings of guilt? Well, I think that will bring about negative consequences for you and your husband, especially as you both get older. Those feelings of ‘indifference’ and ‘not caring’ for them will build a very tall wall between you and your son. And I guarantee you, it will also build a wall between you and your grandchild. You don’t want that, do you? Or maybe you do. I don’t know. Only you can answer that.

 

Remember that love does conquer all. Good luck to you Wit’s End.

Born Again