mishy Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 :(here's one for you. Ok, so what if you have broken up and want hard core NC but because you have mutual friends you can't? So pretty much all our friends are mutual. My so called best friend has decided to be more in contact with him than she was when we were together (she's gay , so she's not after him or anything). So I can't hlp but somehow know what he's up to, and also he asks her about me. i kust don't want him to hear anything about me anymore at all. He did the bust up, so I feel he has no right to know anything about me anymore. Its got to the point where i am seriously considering going NC with our mutual friends!!! i don't have many friends that are not mutual. It just seems like the only way for me to stop being in pain, when i hear about him doing fun stuff with "our" friends. I just can't see a way out.
LakesideDream Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 My experiance was that Mutual friends picked favorites, with most of the "friendships" gradually fading. When people in long marriages have married friends, it scares the heck out of other couples. I one of the divorcing partners wasn't a serial killer, or child molester, other couples usually take the easy way out not picking sides.
Author mishy Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 Most of the friends i'm talking about were people that I introduced him to. He was always the social organiser, so I've not only had the breakup but kind of lost my social group, because he's the stronger party. I've had a death in family and i have no emotional strength anyway. I just want to be free of him, and also i really want to disappear from his view as well. We don't see each other, just hear. I have a couple of other friends that have actually never met him so I have been hanging out with them. This is a biggie for me because i'm talking about ending friendships here of 15 years as i simply have had enough of the coy looks from my friends, and the whole mess. A couple are quite enjoying the drama, of seeing me hurt, by it all i'm afraid.
Chinook Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Mishy, I think really all you can do is let your friends make up their own minds. If they were your friends first and he's simply courting their approval after the break-up then there isn't a great deal you can do about it. If they're your real meaningful friends, they won't take sides and within a couple of months, it will fade. As for actually knowing about what he's doing and him knowing about what you're doing, you're going to have to take a stand with them. Ask your friends politely not to discuss you with him and vice versa. Explain to them that it's painful and you have a lot to deal with in getting over it all. Those friends who are loyal to you, will stay loyal and will do what they can to make it easier. Unfortunately there will be people who will do what is best for them in the situation, rather than what is best for you. You can't avoid that so setting ground rules like 'don't tell me about him' is what is needed. But as I said, if they're the people who are continuing the drama, then you don't need them anyhow. Making new friends or building on the friendships he didn't have any impact on, is a pretty good idea. For me... I've learned the hard way to keep my friends, activities and relationships separate now.
the_otherhalf Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I was in a situation pretty similar to yours: I introduced him to all of my friends, and we had been hanging out for the past couple of years. After the breakup, people were very up front in saying that they didn't want to choose sides, although that's what they ended up doing. He took two, and I took the rest, and now it's "us" and "them." It's not necessarily what I wanted, but as people wrote above, your friends should stick around for you regardless of who you are dating. The friends who have faded away are obviously not the type of friends you can rely on. Which sucks in my situation (and yours as well, I think) because I lost my best guy friend because he "chose" my ex over me. Four months after the breakup, I still feel a little lonely without a solid group, but being secure with myself is going to need to be accomplished first and the friends will come later.
Author mishy Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Mishy, I think really all you can do is let your friends make up their own minds. If they were your friends first and he's simply courting their approval after the break-up then there isn't a great deal you can do about it. If they're your real meaningful friends, they won't take sides and within a couple of months, it will fade.. Its been 7 months now. It was his birthday last weekend and all my friends were invited. Note, that none of these friends who are involved have called me for about 9 days. As for actually knowing about what he's doing and him knowing about what you're doing, you're going to have to take a stand with them. Ask your friends politely not to discuss you with him and vice versa... I actually had a big discussion (heated argument)with my best friend about this about 6 wks ago and we agreed to not talk about him full stop. She could not understand why it was hurting me (note, that she has never had a boyfriend or liked anyone). But not talking about it is just as bad, because of the gaps and silences. Unfortunately there will be people who will do what is best for them in the situation, rather than what is best for you. You can't avoid that so setting ground rules like 'don't tell me about him' is what is needed. But as I said, if they're the people who are continuing the drama, then you don't need them anyhow. Making new friends or building on the friendships he didn't have any impact on, is a pretty good idea. For me... I've learned the hard way to keep my friends, activities and relationships separate now. I think the whole thing is discgusting , as this particular friend was not really in phone contact with him until AFTER the breakup. This is why its hurtful. I tell you , i've just had it with this.
Author mishy Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Four months after the breakup, I still feel a little lonely without a solid group, but being secure with myself is going to need to be accomplished first and the friends will come later. thats exactly the problem , its not simply the loss of one person, its the group. The feeling of being ostracized.
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