vivi Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 My MM doesn't live with his wife. He says they don't have sex anymore, because he isn't attracted to her anymore. (He told me they had sex one time during a trip and I cried, and since then he says they don't have a physical relationship, although she wants to.) But she spends nights at his apartment sometimes. It sounds implausible. I can't believe she would do overnights at his place just to cuddle. I'd like to believe him, of course, but I wonder if he told me to see my reaction and since I was bothered by it, he's kept it to himself since then. So my question: is "My wife and I don't have sex anymore" right up there with "I'm staying because of the kids?":rolleyes:
BusinessSocks Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I think it could be true. I lived with my exH for two years with no sex with him. You have to figure out whether you believe him or not; if you don't, than why are you with him at all? If the A aspect is making you not trust/believe him, take note of that now because that won't go away later. So either trust and love, or move on, imho.
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 He is telling you what you want to hear as he knows it upsets you to hear that he still has sex with his wife. Think about it - WHY on earth would he tell you "yes, I have sex with my wife" and then expect to have sex with you? Also, he's been lying to his wife, so don't you think he's going to lie to you at some point? Please don't fool yourself into believing ALL that he tells you about his wife, his marriage and if he is making promises to you about really getting a divorce, look for his actions, NOT his words. Sorry, but you need to open your eyes, take a step back and see the full picture without blinders on. Go read some more threads in this section so you can see your situation isn't much different that the OW who have posted here.
NoIDidn't Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Sexless marriages are real. Problem is, you don't think your MM has one. I think he is lying too. Just to keep sex coming from you. Why does it bother you that he has sex with his W? You already know that he is married. That line of logic is very confusing. Do you expect MM to never have any kind of intimate contact with his W? Kissing out? Oral? Suppose he has hot sex with her too? Then what? Does that mean you can't have an A with him?
mystic_pizza Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 vivi, why doesn't your MM live with his wife? Is he in the process of a divorce? I would really wonder why he is still married yet living apart from his wife. I am not trying to be nosey, but can you clarify the circumstances in his arrangement with his wife, it might help others give advice or opinions that fit the situation?
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Or, is that what he's told you? He doesn't live with her? DO you actually have proof of this?
Author vivi Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 Ooh boy. You asked for it. It's a green card marriage that he wanted to keep that way, hence the separate apartments, but they became intimate and she has since decided that it was a real marriage at least as far as she was concerned. That's what he told me. I know they have separate apartments and phone numbers and finances. When he told me he had this befuddled look on his face because she changed the deal. I guess he went along with it because it was easy and she's nice and they work together; they don't have kids. we've been seeing each other about a year. that's the story
NoIDidn't Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Now THAT'S what I call C.O.M.P.L.I.C.A.T.E.D!! LOL!!
Author vivi Posted July 15, 2007 Author Posted July 15, 2007 you said it, sister! sometimes I think I would be better off with a simpler situation; this guy is darling and a cutie pie, very attentive in bed and out... but I'm no dummy - he's got a LOT of stories and I'm well aware that he could be handing a couple my way. I'm also getting impatient with the deal - I told him I'm not going to drop everything for him. (After all, if he's so unhappy in his marriage and they live apart, why is she setting the agenda for their relationship? Why is he taking her on trips?) I told him I was going to date. And in fact, I met a very nice man just today and we went out for coffee; the chemistry was great and we're going out next Saturday. The day after a date with Cutie Pie. Where was all this fatal charm when I was younger? I'm 50! So watch this space, because I may be writing in with an even more exciting set of dilemmas.
NoIDidn't Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Vivi My BIL supposedly (the rumor anyway) married a woman to get her into the country. Supposedly. Well, they've been married for over 13 years now, and have a 11 y.o. child to boot. The only way to tell with green card marriages is what happens at the two year mark when the card recipient can walk without being deported. But if Immigration finds out that are not living together, she can still be deported and their marriage can be invalidated. This is way too complicated to even speak on. It was concerning my BIL too. You never know which way these kinds of marriages can go. But your coffee date sounded like fun.
mystic_pizza Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Ay yi yi Vivi, I am almost sorry I asked. LOL! That sounds like a real complicated situation, no wonder you are doubting things. I think you are doing the right thing by going on dates with the other guy. Sounds like you had a nice time. There is something fishy about the situation with the MM.
mishy Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 He's a married man. He is never going to be completely available to you. You are torturing yourself with this. He is telling you what you want to hear. Find someone who is wholey and completely available. You will never ever win this.
RamChops Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 That is one complicated situation ... But it doesn't sound sexless. Not that it's quite the same as your experience, but once we fell for each other and became serious I was frank with my MW that I had absolutely no problem with her being intimate with her H - how could I afford to be? - and it doesn't trouble me at all, unless I hear some sort of explicit recount of events Nowadays she says that she has been put off by her H, turns him down constantly and he's frustrated ... but I believe that she's telling me that because she has come to rely on me for support, and not to appease me - if anything it makes me feel sad and guilty for contributing to the situation. In fact, I suggested that she try to resume intimate relations with him (and implied she should end the A with me) because she told me unhappy tales and it was so hard to see her upset because her H was putting pressure on her. Not sure it was the best suggestion, but I can see that he loves her, and she's hurting him ... So in answer to your original question, there are circumstances where the line "I am not having sex in my M" (trying to remove the OW emphasis ) can actually be true, or not used in such a way as to make the OW/OM feel that they are "special" or that the relationship is monogamous. Just as I'm sure some people will really believe they need to preserve a M for the sake of the children ... or whatever other reason they give to continue their failed R.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 1. (After all, if he's so unhappy in his marriage and they live apart, why is she setting the agenda for their relationship? Why is he taking her on trips?) 2. I told him I was going to date. And in fact, I met a very nice man just today and we went out for coffee; the chemistry was great and we're going out next Saturday. 1. Because he isn't unhappy. If it was as bad as he says, he would be cutting her off, not spending money taking her on trips, and working with her to make more of their marriage. 2. That is good. You'll have a much better chance at happiness with someone who makes you a priority than you ever will with a MM who only makes you an option.
frannie Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 ... my question: is "My wife and I don't have sex anymore" right up there with "I'm staying because of the kids?":rolleyes: Might be, might not be. Sexless marriages (and relationships) definitely do exist. I've had a few years of just such a relationship. Men aren't all necessarily sex hounds. Believe it or not, for some, they'd rather have sex with someone willing than someone uninterested. The kind of sex they get when they've begged and she's given in... yeah? And have you ever heard of a wife who wouldn't put out..? I believe they exist (lighthearted moment, for the record, don't shoot me down in flames). So... you know, four or five years of a wife turning them down and they find an OW who is interested in them... why the hell would they bother tapping the wife on the shoulder any longer..? So yes, it probably is up there with 'staying for the kids'... just as real in some situations. And when we're talking percentages... that's a lot of sexless marriages.
outofdarkness Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 My MM doesn't live with his wife. He says they don't have sex anymore, because he isn't attracted to her anymore. (He told me they had sex one time during a trip and I cried, and since then he says they don't have a physical relationship, although she wants to.) But she spends nights at his apartment sometimes. It sounds implausible. I can't believe she would do overnights at his place just to cuddle. I'd like to believe him, of course, but I wonder if he told me to see my reaction and since I was bothered by it, he's kept it to himself since then. So my question: is "My wife and I don't have sex anymore" right up there with "I'm staying because of the kids?":rolleyes: yes, it is imo...
PoshPrincess Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Personally, I think the "I don't have sex with my wife" line is usually an even bigger lie than the "I'm staying for the kids" one. I DO believe that there are people in sexless Ms. Speaking to friends of mine, I know this for a fact. However, Vivi, I have to say that it doesn't sound very likely your MM is one of these. His M was one of convenience and although he doesn't live with his W she stays over regularly. Hmmm, sounds to me that it's pretty likely they are doing more than 'sleeping' together. Don't forget though, this is just 'sex' not 'love'. Sex with his W may not mean anything to him but then again he doesn't want to be honest with you because of the obvious repercussions. Of course, like many MM, he wants the best of both worlds and he sure as hell is getting it! I don't envy you being in this complicated sitch but I'm glad to hear you're getting out there and meeting other men. Have some fun and try your best to get yourself out of this mess. Let him sort his life out on his own!
Author vivi Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Well, last night we saw each other for a half hour and shortly before we parted I said I didn't understand how he could be in a green card marriage for eight years and be unhappy but still let his wife set the agenda and that I imagined it was inertia..and "I don't have time for inertia." "We have to talk about this" he said, and I said fine. It wasn't nasty or angry but there it was. He's a videographer and he had said during our meeting that he had a deposition today, Monday, that would take up the afternoon, early evening but he was free during the day. I said I had to work, so Monday wouldn't be good for me. I went home, turned off the phone and went to sleep. I just checked my voicemail and he left a message about as soon as he got back to his apartment that his job had been cancelled and that he was free for us to do whatever, go to a movie (one of the things we had talked about) and/or talk things over. He left another message at one in the morning saying he'd call me this morning to find out my plans. And it sounded like he did it from outside, which meant his wife was over. I'm no expert, but I find it hard to believe that a law firm would call him after 9 on a Sunday night and leave a message on his answering machine cancelling his job for Monday afternoon so incredibly coincidentally. I think i will tell him I already made other plans.
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I posted this elsewhere on LS today but it stands just as well for this thread... Basically, whenever we're in any relationship (not just infidelity) we will never know what the full story is behind previous failings or partnerships. Our partners will always present the story in a light which doesn't present them as the culprit. What we have to remember is that there are two sides to every story. My ex-bf told me his ex-w was a manipulator and a bitch, who had him so turned around doing stuff that he didn't know whether he was coming or going. 6 months into our relationship and I find that's exactly where I was. It left me questioning exactly who the manipulator was. I found that it was of course him! Basically we only know what they tell us and it is only a fraction of the story. You will never know the truth about someone because it is natural to hide anything which isn't favourable to how they want you to see them.
NoIDidn't Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Vivi This guy is definitely lying about something. An 8 year green card marriage. No such thing. If it last for longer than 3 years, you can bet they decided to make a go of the marriage. Law firms do call all hours of the day and night depending on what kind of cases they are working for, but his story sounds fishy. I say, give him enough rope to hang himself - the longer you keep him talking, the more likely he is to say something contradictory to what he has already told you. I mean, who lives separately from their W and yet takes their phone outside to talk? Unless they are trying to hide something from her or someone else in the house. Why hide something from a person you don't consider yourself married to? I think some of these waywards are retarded and think the rest of the world is too.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 So my question: is "My wife and I don't have sex anymore" right up there with "I'm staying because of the kids? Sexless (or rare sex) M do exists. I'm staying for the kids... is also true in many cases. The only thing, from my experience... cheaters are mostly all lying to their W and the OW... I am an OW and the difference with me and the BS and OW out there, is that I am not 'in love' with any of them. So I can see them, miles away, when they lie... even if they don't really have to lie to me, because there is no commitment and they know it... they still do. and even if they do lie and I know about it... it doesn't hurt me... I don't really care... I lie to them too... LOL They are NEVER EVER 100% honest... there is always one part of their life they will hide or lie about...
Seen_It_All Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 LOL - an 8 YEAR green card marriage? Who needed the card - him or her? If it was her, does he honestly expect you to believe he's a SAINT and entered into a legally binding marriage solely for the altruistic purpose of helping this woman obtain citizenship? What guy does that - unless he's being paid lots of bucks to do it, he was drunk, or he's a complete and utter moron? Let me get this straight - she's sleeping over his place all the time, he's taking her on vacations, and they're still spending lots of time together. Hmmmmm...this is a conundrum. Oh, now I get it. He's married with NO plans to divorce anytime soon. Oh yea, and he has a 'girlfriend' on the side that's also providing sex and adoration to him. And now he has to lie to you because you were so upset the last time he admitted to having sex with his wife. He's STILL doing it, he's just not going to tell you anymore because it's a pain in the a*ss dealing with a crying woman - that's not fun for him. He'd rather his precious hour or two with you be filled with lots of hot sex and puppy dog adoration. So don't expect him to tell you the truth anymore. This guy's a serious piece of sh*t. What do you see in him?
lonelybird Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Cheaters lies, it is obviously truth. they can lie one, two, or uncountless lies, it's in their charators, what do you expect? If they are honest person, they won't cheat in the first place If you are with a cheater, it is very possible you become "bi-polar", the last moment you believe him, the next moment you doubt him. It is torture and self-destruction. Is it worth it?
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 lonelybird - is english your first language? I'm curious because you wrote "uncountless" and I have a french friend who makes that mistake frequently too.
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