tigerlily94 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 ...does it make sense? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Please help: I met my boyfriend about two years ago at college, and we became fast friends. He liked me early on, and I thought he was kinda cute too, but neither one of us said anything for a while...there was sort of some back-and-forth-ness of who liked who, but to make a long story significantly shorter, things did end up working out between us last fall, and until a week ago, we'd had - for the most part - and very close and wonderful 8-month relationship. However, he has taken a job that sends him to Japan for anywhere from 1-3 years (each year is renewable) - though he is definitely leaning toward 1, maybe 2. (His major in college was Japanese). Though he is doing this program, he has always been insistent to his family, to others, and to me that he does not want to move there permanently. We knew the job thing, though, might happen going into our relationship, but we went into it anyway and he didn't receive confirmation of the job till early April. Meanwhile, I'm on the east coast (Boston), while he's in New York City...which is how it's been for the past six months, roughly, seeing each other every few weeks for long weekends, and talking on the phone often. We'd talked about ending the relationship, as it seemed the wise thing to do due to the distance and the extended period of time not seeing each other very much...and even the telephone difference of 10-11 hours. It was something that was sort of avoided for a while because it was painful, but we decided we wanted to stay friends (there are no hard feelings here) and he thought maybe it'd be best to break up a few weeks before he left, because he said he needed that time emotionally and didn't want to get on the plane and deal with it then. I've reassured him and he's reassured me a few times that things will be okay and that it might be tough at first, but it will eventually be all right. So last weekend was sort of a goodbye weekend, he kissed me goodbye and said "I'll miss you", and when he left to go home, that was more or less it as far as our relationship was concerned. Since then, I've been up and down, but have felt kind of confused. The last time we spoke was that evening, and he insisted that it was better we end it now, because "can you imagine trying to sort this all out over the phone when I'm in Japan?" I haven't spoken with him since then, as I was getting upset and he seemed to be too, and I left it that I'd call him later this week or whenever I really felt ready to, and that was fine with him. Has anyone else here ever been in a similar situation, where you split from someone for amicable, mutual, but reluctant reason(s)? I'm generally skeptical of people ever having "normal" friendships after being in a relationship - even given time - but am not sure if this would be any different given the circumstances and having been very close friends with him for over a year before we actually dated. We're pretty mature people, and I think it's fair to say we care about each other a lot. But how on earth do I go about handling this emotionally myself? It's really hard to say goodbye to someone you don't want to say goodbye to, and who doesn't want to say goodbye to you either. Lastly, I know I shouldn't take it personally, but if he really cared about me, shouldn't/wouldn't he wanted to try to make this work? Or is choosing to end a relationship amicably *now* the more caring thing to do in order to try and preserve a friendship later? Ugh, it's just a very...sad situation. I'm not totally sure how to go from here, but any wisdom or advice would be appreciated. (orig posted in the "relationships" forum, but i guess this one is a better fit)
sao2 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 My ex and I faced a similar situation about a year ago. We broke up for about an hour and then decided to go ahead and try. This past year has been very emotional. We tried to make it work and it did sort of work until about April. In April things started going downhill. We have recently ended, luckily we ended before we destroyed any chance of reuniting in the future. We still care deeply about each other and may reconnect when she comes back home in a few months. Anyways my point is that long distance is rough(as you have seen) very long distance has a different set of challenges that will come up. Little disagreements become magnified and when at best you can see each other every 6 months it becomes much harder to resolve even the simplest of conflicts. On top of that, this experience will be huge for him. This is something that he should experience fully without worrying about you. I'm not saying he will be looking for something or someone else, but in a relationship there will always be expectations and by trying to continue this he may start resenting you because he may start feeling you are preventing him from fully experiencing this. Keep in mind that my ex and I are currently on a break(up???) and so my view might be a bit more bitter. Another factor we had was that I also did a big move, although not quite as drastic. In our case we both started leaning on each other more than we should have and we fell under the pressure. In the end it is your call . . . Basically it is a betting game, do you want to bet you two can make it work, maybe bet that when he comes back you two can reconnect . . . or maybe in a year or two you won't feel the same way about him as you used to. If you try best of luck, but keep in mind, you may end up destroying the potential you two could have in the future.
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