hoc11 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Hello, Im new here and am looking for some help. Okay, so ive been having some really mixed feelings about my gf as of late and thought id get some advice. First, a little background on the types of people me and my girl are, or who I thought she was. I am somewhat of an introvert, Im quiet, a little shy, but generally a very nice, honest person. I am the type who will go out with a group of people to a bar and just sit back and have a conversation. Im very low key, never the center attention and above all I HATE clubs and dancing all together, Im just too laid back and dont enjoy that scene at all, and I thought my gf was the same way. Ever since me met she has protrayed herself to be the exact same type of person. We have been out to clubs only because the people we were with wanted to go there, and we just go off by the bar or get a seat and chill and talk. She has always made it clear that this is just not her scene either and she would NEVER be on to get up and dance, she says shes just too shy to ever do it. Now I dont think dancing is wrong, if thats your thing then so be it, its just not me. The problem is that a few weeks ago she admitted that she really used to go to clubs all the time and even used to dance on top of the bars. Just the other night she went out to a club with all of her friends and danced, because she "had to" since they were all dancing. Now again, I dont think she did anything wrong by doing that, its just that it really shocked me that she would do something like that since she has been portraying herself as such an introvert and claims that its just not in her nature. I feel like she's just not being honest about the type of person she really is and is portraying herself as somone different around me than when she's around her friends. I know it sounds stupid, all she did was dance with some girlfriends, but it just seems so outside of her personality that it makes me feel like I dont know who she truly is. Any advice? Some other minor concerns that go along with this is that some of her stories about her past and her personality seemed like they didnt add up and changed over time, so the issue is that I think she might not have been totally straight forward with me and is trying to make me think she's more like me than she really is. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
jcster Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I think she's made the classic mistake of trying too hard to be a match to you. This is usually a hallmark of someone with low self esteem, who doesn't think you would like her as she truly is. To give her some credit, she probably did a lot of it unconsciously, but it' s going to come back and bite her very soon. You have to ask yourself if you are going to still want to be with her if she turns out to be different than you believed she was. If so, you will need to have a talk with her, and soon.
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Just curious.......why does she have to be like you????............
Author hoc11 Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 Just curious.......why does she have to be like you????............ Oh no, she doesnt have to be exactly like me. We have different tastes in different things. Its more the fact that it seems like she may have led me to believe she was something different than who she really is, or more tried to be someone different to makes us into the perfect match. Not that she lied, more like she just left out details. I would have had no problem if she would have said in the beginning that she doesnt mind the club scene or dances occasionally. It sucks because I absolutely love her and everything else about her is perfect, it just makes me suspicous. If i do have a talk with her, what do i say and how do i bring it up? I dont think its rational to just be like "you went dancing so were over", so how do i go about doing it? Thanks again.
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 well, i hope she's not too far to the left (or right) for you....I hope things work out....it sounds like she just wanted to please you.
Author hoc11 Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 Thank you for your concern and support. All in all I dont think she's too far off from me, and Im sure she was just trying to please. It just worries me that she may not have been completely open and honest.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 There's another way to look at it. Have you also told her about everything you've ever done in your life that you feel she would have disapproved of? While I agree that the dishonesty would bother me, hopefully it's something insignificant and she's honest about the important aspects of herself. I wouldn't panic yet although I would keep an eye open for any further differences between words and actions. The actions matter far more than the words.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Sometimes it's your differences that make you more interesting to each other. I don't think you have to worry so much about it, but when you do talk, make some comments like how you are enjoying the fact that you are learning so much more about each other. Throw in a comment on how people tend to be on their best behavior at the start of a relationship, but that you think it's great how she can be laid back with you, and then party and dance with her friends. I don't think she would take any offense to that, and maybe even offer some information about yourself that she doesn't know about. It's a good time to test the waters in this relationship before getting too serious.
norajane Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 How old is she? Keep in mind people do change over time... In my early 20's I loved to go dancing at clubs. At this point, I'm not really into that anymore and much prefer to spend my time with friends and boyfriends on more relaxed pursuits. On the rare occasion I do end up at a club, I can still have a lot of fun dancing, but it's not something I would do often. It could be that she used to party at clubs and dance, but that's not where's she's at anymore. She might like to dance on occasion, but it could be that she has different interests now. Consider those 'other things' she's told you that you said don't 'add up', though. Depending on what those are, you might be involved with a liar, or you might just be witnessing a normal change in interests over the course of a lifetime.
halfarock Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I think that it is rather common for women to want to appear more innocent then they really are to guys that they like. Maybe it is social conditioning.
Tenorman Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Yes it sounds like a lie but as far as lies go, it is one of the nicer ones! I think MWC 40 has a very good point that you should say something along the lines "that you think it's great how she can be laid back with you, and then party and dance with her friends." In other words don't punish her or take a self righteous position about the lie - turn it into a positive discovery of an aspect of herself and encourage her to feel that she can tell you anything about her real self without repercussions or judgment. You will discover whether you two are genuinely compatible that way alot faster and chances are the worst outcome will be that you will make a friend. Also, stick with her a bit longer and you may learn how to like dancing too!
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