Her 19 yr old daughter is destroying us

[riverrat]

I am madly in love with a wonderful woman. We have been dating for over a yr and are talking about moving in with each other. Her daughter who is almost 20 has fought me every step of the way. She knows her mom will do whatever she wants and is very jealous of our relationship. I have never had a cross word with the daughter but she has never liked me since day one that we met. My gf has just recently come out of a very abusive marriage and she clings to her daughter. I understand this and would never do anything to come between them. The kicker is that her daughter stays some nights with her dad, not the abusive man, who only lives a few blocks from my gf and some nights with her mom. Coming and going as she sees fit. I work away from home being gone 10 nights in a row so when I am home the 4 days my gf tries to spend 3 nights with me. The daughter always chooses these 3 nights to stay at her moms knowing her mom has plans and knowing her mom will stay home for her. Me going to her place is not an option since the daughter has told her that she doesnt want me around. The daughter has a steady bf whom she goes out with every night which in turn leaves the mother sitting at home waiting on her.

 

I have kept quiet about all this other than showing my disappointment because I understand the parent child relationship being a parent myself and I am very sweet and kind to my gf. Like I said, I love her and want to be with her more than anything.

 

Last night it came to a head. I have been home for 2 weeks and have only got to spend 1 night with her. I spent yesterday with her and she had an appointment to get her hair fixed at 5:30. It takes 2 hours so I went on home with the plans that she was to come to my house after it was done. At 8:00 she calls me and says she is not coming. I asked why and she said Jamie, the daughter, had called and said she was at the fair with her bf and was gonna spend the night with her. That she would be there in an hour and a half. Now Jamie knew her moms plans and she also knew her mom would stay home if she said that. Jamie also told her mother that she wanted to spend all the next day with her just goofing off knowing that her moms had plans to be with me.

 

I couldnt keep quiet anymore and said some things to my gf. She got very defensive and know she wont answer my calls. Why is this young girl trying so hard to destroy what chance her mother has at happiness. At my happiness too. This is killing me. I have always been good to her mother and to her too but she hasnt like me since the first time we met. I know this is a battle I can not win nor do I wanna fight this battle. I dont wanna come between a mother and her daughter and never have. I also know her mother will take the daughters side every time. Its killing me

[Reckless]

It's gonna be a bumpy ride. How much do you love the mother? Because it will be very difficult for you and it will take a long long time before the daughter trusts you.

 

She has seen her mother been abused by men that supposedly loved her mum and her own father is not, as I am sure she would secretly like with her mom. YOu are the new kid on the block and she is not about to trust you anytime soon. Not because of YOU but because of her own personal baggage and I would hazzard a guess mistrust of men in general.

 

As for what to do, you were right not to 'come between' mother and daughter in the sense of trying to make the mother choose but you have to get the mother to agree to fight for your relationship too.

 

Her daughter is not a child and the mother (not you) must at some point express her desire to be with you and spent time with you in order to build something healthy and solid. I would sit down with your girlfriend, express your concerns and most of all hammer out a plan with specifics as to what the mother will say if she wants to spend some private time with you.

 

Maybe up until now the mother has been living solely for her daughter its for her to in her heart decide if she wants to be a little bit selfish and grab some happiness of her own. Talk to the mother and see how much she loves you. If it's not enough to side with you for reasonable requests for time then you might rethink your move-in-together plans.

 

While you're talking this out with the mother don't clash with the daughter whatever you do and within reason kill with kindness. She has her mothers best interests at heart I'm sure whether they are misguided depends on how well you handle the situation. When we love someone we more or less take on their family and their history... so again I ask, how much do you love her?

[PandorasBox]

Why is this young girl trying so hard to destroy what chance her mother has at happiness. At my happiness too.

 

I'm not so sure its really as intentional as you may think then again it might be. I'm not taking up for her daughter by no means, but what I'm saying is, her daughter is probably reacting the best way she sees fit since her mother just came out of an abusive relationship. She's being protective of her mother not wanting her mother to get into another situation like the one she just got out of. I understand you have been good to her, and are trying to probsbly prove you will not harm her mother. Some of this to, is on the mother. She needs to stand up to her daughter and try to reassure her, that your relationship with her is ok. Have youe ver came out and asked her daughter WHY she does this? Maybe have your g/f ask her daughter this question and see what she says.

[riverrat]

Reckless.....I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone other than maby my son but thats not the same kind of love

[riverrat]

Pandora......I have talked with her mother, its a very touchy subject with her, and she will not say anything to the daughter. She simply allows the daughter to tell her what to do and now I'm afraid its over since she will not answer any of my calls. All I ever wanted to do while I was home these 2 weeks was to spend some quality time with the woman I love and my vacation has become a nightmare.....................her daughter is what you might call a true bitch and saying anything to her will only start trouble which I definately dont need more of

[mourningMM]

and stepping away from your own perspective might help you.

 

A few basic questions.

 

1) Is this girl happy her parents divorced?

2) Does this girl love both her parents?

3) Is life more difficult for her because her parents are not together?

4) Who is the adult here?

 

A ninteen or twenty year old still living with her parents is a child. And a child who has witnessed the disolution of her family deserves to be angry. But how can she be angry at parents.

 

However much you are ready for her mom to start a new life with you, I'd bet serious money that this girl has not yet gotten her sea legs under her in the NEW LIFE SHE HAS TO LEAD between two households.

 

Think about it she has a 19 year habit of being the center of her parent's world. Now along with the tidal wave of divorce, you are layering on the earthquake of a parent

1) having a sex life.

2) having another priority than her.

3) having a future that may be different than what she was promised.

 

So you have a choice. Do you want to show her that you can be a positive part of her life. Can you act like an adult friend? Can you be sympathetic and non-judgemental? If not, you most likely will have a hard time being a step-parent.

 

Or is this all about you?

[PandorasBox]

Pandora......I have talked with her mother, its a very touchy subject with her, and she will not say anything to the daughter. She simply allows the daughter to tell her what to do and now I'm afraid its over since she will not answer any of my calls. All I ever wanted to do while I was home these 2 weeks was to spend some quality time with the woman I love and my vacation has become a nightmare.....................her daughter is what you might call a true bitch and saying anything to her will only start trouble which I definately dont need more of

 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like a tough situation. Could you call your g/f back, leave her message saying you wish you and her and her daughter could work things out? Let her know how important she is to you, and that if might be a good diea for you three to sit down and discuss all of this like adults, and air some things out.

 

However, if your g/f gives in to her daughter, and wont see beyond her daughter or anything else going on and lets her daughter pretty much dictate things, then maybe she doesn't need to be in a relationship right now. She is letting her daughter run her life. Thats no way to be, and unfortunatly until she sees this, it will probably continue like that.

[riverrat]

Mourning....the daughter did not witness her parents divorce. She was born after the divorce. Her mother and father are friends. My gf has since been married 2 more times. The second man was an alcoholic but was not abusive and the 3rd husband was the bad man. She divorced him while he was in the state pen. This is not about me totally. Of course if I wasnt concerned on my part I wouldnt be writing this but I have told this woman many times how much I love her and she says she loves me. All I want for her is happiness and she deserves it but her daughter will keep her lonely and heartbroken. Her daughter wants her to always be at homes just in case she wants to run by for a few minutes. I've seen kids do this before. My parents are divorced and my sister acted the same way towards my mother when she stated getting out some

[PandorasBox]

All I want for her is happiness and she deserves it but her daughter will keep her lonely and heartbroken. Her daughter wants her to always be at homes just in case she wants to run by for a few minutes. I've seen kids do this before. My parents are divorced and my sister acted the same way towards my mother when she stated getting out some.

 

 

Since your sister acted the same way with your mother, how was it handled?

 

Your g/f has had a history it seems with getting involved in unhealthy relationships, perhaps its all she knows. I do agree she deserves better, but until SHE sees that and really believes it then things will probably stay the same. Her daughter uses her mother as her security blanket and vice versa. Your g/f needs to be more assertive in telling her daughter that she has a life too, and she needs to let her live it. I doubt she will because to your g/f, her daughter is all she sees she has, and if she tells her anything she might not want hear, she will possibly risk losing her. I still say call her, leave a message if she wont answer, let her know you love her and care, and want the three of you to sit down and talk about things. If she wont, then I think you have your answer.

[riverrat]

Thank You Pandora....what you just said is the same thing thats going through my head. My mother was very assertive to my sister and told her she would do as she damned well pleased lol. Yes she has a history of bad relationships and it really shows in her reactions towards things. The slightest little thing and she flees. Its a safety factor for her. Also she has a history of going for days and not answering her phone over petty things like she is now. I wont to show her she doesnt have to do these things. I want her to see what a good relationship is like. I was married for 21 yrs and swore I would never fall in love again because my exwife literally ripped my heart out but this new woman has put my heart back in place. She brought me out of deep darkness and showed me what true love can feel like again. I just want to be able to hold her and let her know everything will be alright but her daughter simply wont allow me to do it..........I'm afraid now that I'll never get the chance to show her the good things in life.......love, happiness, contentment

[nittygritty]

You said the Mom very recently came out of an abusive marriage. Have either her or her daughter had any time to heal? Any counseling?

 

The daughter has witnessed her Mother being abused, the daughter may have also been abused, its understandable why the daughter would not be receptive to yet another one of her Mother's relationships.

 

Your girlfriend may have also put her daughter unwittingly in the role of Mom's protector, Mom's abuse confidant.

 

It may be a question of bad timing. I would give the Mom and daughter some space. They need some counseling and healing time. The daughter will be more apt to move out and on with her life if she doesn't have to worry about her Mom jumping into another relationship that may be disasterous for her Mom. Even if you are the best thing for her Mom, convincing the daughter of that is going to be difficult so soon after an abusive relationship.

[riverrat]

Yes the mother has had counceling and has been away from the man for 4 yrs but at times I can still tell the mother has issues. Thats one of the reasons why I wanna show her so much love. She is really a wonderful woman. So open and loving....As far as I know the daughter was never abused. Just witnessed it according to her mother.

[riverrat]

I honestly believe it is jealousy and pure selfishness on her daughters part. She is extremely spoiled by her mother and her father

[PandorasBox]

I think the bottom line is, you have to ask yourself what it is YOU are willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate. Its alot to deal with if you're going to be in that relationship, and you'll have to ask yourself if that is something you feel you are willing to do. I understand you love her and care for her, but there's alot of baggage there. I'm meaning baggage of past hurts, abuse, bad realtionships etc. That is wonderful she has been to counseling and was a step in the right direction to begin healing from what all has happened. I don't think its so much about the daughter and the way she is, as much as it is about the mother NOT being more assertive with her daughter when it comes to certain things. She either sees she needs to stand up to her or she doesn't. Might be best to just let it cool down for a bit and then see where things stand.

[riverrat]

Well I just talked to her and got interrupted in the middle of the conversation. As part of her safety mechanism she gets very hateful and says some awful things to me. While I am being sweet and dont wanna fight, telling her how much I love her......she simply is not gonna see that her daughter is trying to keep us apart and said that all last night was was her daughter wanting to stay with her. I cant get her to understand its always the nights we have plans. She is very confrontational and said maybe we arent meant to be together. She has acted like this before and after 3 or 4 days comes back apologizing. It takes lots of understanding and caring to listen to some of the things she says to me. I know the real woman inside her and thats the woman I have totally fell in love with and honestly I cant go through another episode of having m heart ripped out again.........I LOVE HER and why does she fight my love so bad? She said she will call me back later

[nittygritty]

Well I just talked to her and got interrupted in the middle of the conversation. As part of her safety mechanism she gets very hateful and says some awful things to me. While I am being sweet and dont wanna fight, telling her how much I love her......she simply is not gonna see that her daughter is trying to keep us apart and said that all last night was was her daughter wanting to stay with her. I cant get her to understand its always the nights we have plans. She is very confrontational and said maybe we arent meant to be together. She has acted like this before and after 3 or 4 days comes back apologizing. It takes lots of understanding and caring to listen to some of the things she says to me. I know the real woman inside her and thats the woman I have totally fell in love with and honestly I cant go through another episode of having m heart ripped out again.........I LOVE HER and why does she fight my love so bad? She said she will call me back later

 

 

Unfortunately, there may be a reason why the mother has repeatedly been in abusive relationships. Some women are only attracted to abusive types of men. Whether its realized or not. Unless the woman recognizes this and wants to change this about herself she will continue to choose abusive relationships over healthy relationships.

 

You may not be what your girlfriend is attracted to, feels comfortable with, etc. She may even do some crazy making behaviors to try to create an unhealthy relationship with you, I don't know.

 

I think you need to remove yourself from this situation. The Mother and daughter obviously have issues that need to be resolved and you trying to tell the Mom how to handle the situation with her daughter is only going to make your girlfriend angry. It is not your place. She should not have to choose. Speaking as a parent, it is a red flag IMO.

 

The daughter will eventually be living on her own but she will always be her daughter. Your girlfriend I'm sure feels guilty about her past abusive relationship that her daughter witnessed and she will do whatever she can to try to make it up to her daughter, even if that means giving her relationship with you up.

 

I think you need to try to move on. Eventually, your girlfriend may change her mind and you can decide then if your willing to try again. You may no longer feel the same way after this, only time apart will tell.

 

Take Care

[JackJack]

I totally agree with what nittygritty said. Maybe you just need to tell her, you love her, and you hope she gets things sorted out with her life and that you wish her the best, and then let it go at that. Back away for a bit and see what happens. It sounds like a really stressful situation to be in. Just step back a bit and kind of take a look in from the outside. You may determine after some time a part, its not the best situation for you to be in after all. Good luck.

[Reckless]

Nitty et al seem to have it about right, problem is (and you're probably not ready to hear this right now) you can't "love" someone better.

 

The mother-daughter issues at work here, as you have already picked up, are deeply ingrained. Mistrust and different priorities are the deathnell for relationships. If you are able to communicate with your partner no problems cannot be overcome but if the fight is you AGAINST your partner where do you want to go?

 

This is not a judgement on your lady, she has probably been through hell and the scars left there will take a lot of time to heal but if she is addicted to abuse, if she feels uncomforatable with a healthy relationship, if she allows her fears to sabotage any chance of happiness then she probably needs councelling as much as she needs love.

 

I would resort to "tough love" explaning that you love her and are willing to take the time it needs for her to completely commit to a healthy relationship but if she cannot see her way to fighting for time and space with you then you will have to go.

[nylah]

Riverrat, are you sure it's the daughter that is causing the problems between you two???....What reason does she have to say horrible things to you because you voice your concerns about Jamie?? It sounds like maybe there could be more going with you girlfriend than you really know....

[riverrat]

Thank you all so much....nittygritty said the exact same thing I was thinkingand it was pure common sense. I just came from her house were I sat down and talked to both of them. Laying out my intentions, how deep my love is for the mother and how I wasnt gonna take her away from her daughter. Told the daughter I was not her enemy but instead I wanted to be her friend. Explained to her that I wasnt that bad man she used to live with. I am totally the oppisite.

Hope I had a good impact. The mother said she would call me later. We shall see

Thank you again. Its nice to know that there are people out there who careank you all so much....nittygritty said the exact same thing I was thinking

[riverrat]

You may be right Nylah....she is in the middle of menapause too