mourningMM Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I am wondering if anyone out here has found themself in a relationship where there is chemistry on the physical level, but no real emotional connection, and been satisfied for more than a few years. Is intense sexual satisfaction enough? Relationships have so many facets: social, intellectual, physical, spiritual, emotional... Nothing is perfect; I was brought up to make the best of what I have. But I'm starting to think that my upbringing ("something is better than nothing") just sets the bar too low. I've been with someone for 4 years, never really emotionally or socially connected....it has been all about the mind and the body! We have both said that this is not exclusive. We both realize it is not love. Fantastic sex and amazing conversations. But he's never been interested in incorporating me into his life, not even a real friendship. I'm not willing to introduce him to my children without feeling like he has long term potential. He's been hurt badly by an his ex-wife and previous girlfriends so keeps up huge emotional barriers. So here is the question...why? Or maybe why not? He fills a need for me, and I fill a need for him and it is fun...but I know that having the relationship is holding me back from something more complete. At times I want more, but others...well I'm busy with work and kids and life. I don't really have the time or energy to meet someone new. But with someone else, where I could share my life and my worries and my joys, I might actually have more time and energy. In a way, even though neither of us are with someone else, I think that we are having an affair. It is like he is an Other Man, but the only one I'm cheating is myself. But d*mn the sex is great. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Herzen Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I've been a similar FWB relationship for about 2 years. I suspect it's not all that unusual to for post-divorce middle agers to have this type of "bedroom" relationship. I very much enjoy mine. As for my partner, she probably wants more but I've told her that I'm not re-marrying or even living with anyone right now. We're not exclusive and I'm not jealous so she's free to test the waters. She has been with other middle aged men and it has been one disaster after another.More often than not these guys were terrible lovers (much ED, too) and plain weird. It was so bad that she went through a "cougar" phase and bedded much younger men. There was lots of sex, but not much to say afterwards. Life ain't perfect. Nor are relationships. At this juncture of my life, a bad relationship is like a bad book: if it's really bad I put it down. Life's much too short for "settling."
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I could have written this post myself. I got the old "I love you and want to be with you as a single person, but I don't want to be with you as a mother or as part of any sort of 'instant family' sort of deal." Besides the fact that there is no real future there: he will never get engaged to me (doesn't believe in the whole engagement ring thing), never marry me (his marriage ended very badly), he does not want children - neither mine nor his own, and he will likely never even live with me - the relationship is otherwise ok. We function as people who are dating but aren't future focused. The sex (when he isn't avoiding it) is unfortunately fantastic, and when we are alone we have a great time. I don't fool myself into thinking that he is "deeply in love" with me. It is basic affection and comfort/security, with some sex thrown in. There are some good times there, regardless of how I'm making it sound. Its something, at least. That little bit of 'something' is what keeps me staying with him. I know that when he and I break things off finally I will be alone. I fall into the 'undatable' category with three strikes: I'm nearly forty, I'm divorced and I have a kid. I don't look my age, the divorce was amicable, and the kid is nearing her tweens and doesn't need constant coddling and spends time with her dad too, but still... guys won't see the positives of it like that. I guess you could say I'm settling, but my options right now are truly something v/s nothing. To put in simple terms: I'd rather have a rusted out beater Pinto that works in my driveway than to sit there in an empty driveway and wish a Porsche would show up. I'm thankful for my ex in this situation. We may have divorced as husband and wife, but we are still family to each other. We do all that family sort of stuff together - reunions, dinners, birthday parties, etc. The guy I'm with doesn't mind because he doesn't want that with me at all. So... I guess between the two of those guys, I get what I need more or less. I have every deep connection that you can have with a person with my ex, except for romance/passion/sex. With the guy I'm with, its more like an exclusive FWB thing. The gaps are filled between the two I guess. I'm missing romance and passionate love from my life, and I'm at the beginning stages of accepting that I will not ever have that in my life. Its a battle though, and here lately I find myself fighting it in the form of a devastating crush I have on this guy who comes in to see me at work a few times a week. I will never let this guy know because I know for a fact I'm not his type, but it is a bittersweet thing: to have this capacity to fall madly in love (and enjoy that feeling), yet not have an outlet for it. Its a hard thing letting go of your hopes and wishful thinking, but I'm working on it. I'm not telling you that giving up is the best thing to do - but I guess when you weigh your options, and see what it is you have - you have to think about what it is you will be left with if you let go, and what your chances are that you will bounce back and find a greater happiness elsewhere.
Herzen Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 LB, what a beautiful, heartfelt post. Your post made me laugh and misty eyed. No one has ever done that before, here. I'm nowhere near religious, but I'll say a little prayer for you so that one day, in the not too distant future, that Porsche will appear on your driveway. You deserve it. I wish there was a term to describe these types of relationships. Where the relationship is not, as you say, future focused, but more than just sex. Perhaps "companion relationship" or "exclusive dating relationship" are as good descriptors as any.(That does sound old, though). As for me, while I'm not Mr. Right, as far as my GF is concerned, I'm far from being Mr. Wrong. There are worse things. Enjoy your crush.
Author mourningMM Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 That's what I call it. Just-Plain-Fun It is good to realize I'm not alone in this, and I appreciated both of your posts...having the man's and woman's perspective is interesting. Interesting how often relationships are lop-sided, with one person giving glimpses of more, but alway holding back and holding themselves a part. Maybe this is another of the legacies of our divorce culture. Once we've had a happy ending blow up in our face, we really don't want to deal with the debris. So we stop taking chances and call it being reailistic. I'm 46, with 2 children. My EX remarried the OW...and I'm just plugging along on my own until the kids graduate high school. We co-parent OK, but I'd say the right description is that I tolerate their presence with some grace, not really amicable but setting a good example for the kids about 80% of the time. LB...if you're not yet 40, you are YOUNG!
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