breaking up when both people want to stay together

[tigerlily94]

...does that make sense? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Please help:

 

I met my boyfriend about two years ago at college, and we became fast friends. He liked me early on, and I thought he was kinda cute too, but neither one of us said anything for a while...there was sort of some back-and-forth-ness of who liked who, but to make a long story significantly, shorter, things did end up working out between us last fall, and until a week ago, we'd had - for the most part - and very close and wonderful 8-month relationship.

 

However, he has taken a job that sends him to Japan for anywhere from 1-3 years (each year is renewable) - though he is definitely leaning toward 1, maybe 2. (His major in college was Japanese). Though he is doing this program, he has always been insistent to his family, to others, and to me that he does not want to move there permanently. We knew the job thing, though, might happen going into our relationship, but we went into it anyway and he didn't receive confirmation of the job till early April. Meanwhile, I'm on the east coast (Boston), while he's in New York City...which is how it's been for the past six months, roughly, seeing each other every few weeks for long weekends, and talking on the phone often.

 

We'd talked about ending the relationship, as it seemed the wise thing to do due to the distance and the extended period of time not seeing each other very much...and even the telephone difference of 10-11 hours. It was something that was sort of avoided for a while because it was painful, but we decided we wanted to stay friends (there are no hard feelings here) and he thought maybe it'd be best to break up a few weeks before he left, because he said he needed that time emotionally and didn't want to get on the plane and deal with it then. I've reassured him and he's reassured me a few times that things will be okay and that it might be tough at first, but it will eventually be all right.

 

So last weekend was sort of a goodbye weekend, he kissed me goodbye and said "I'll miss you", and when he left to go home, that was more or less it as far as our relationship was concerned. Since then, I've been up and down, but have felt kind of confused. The last time we spoke was that evening, and he insisted that it was better we end it now, because "can you imagine trying to sort this all out over the phone when I'm in Japan?" I haven't spoken with him since then, as I was getting upset and he seemed to be too, and I left it that I'd call him later this week or whenever I really felt ready to, and that was fine with him.

 

Has anyone else here ever been in a similar situation, where you split from someone for amicable, mutual, but reluctant reason(s)? I'm generally skeptical of people ever having "normal" friendships after being in a relationship - even given time - but am not sure if this would be any different given the circumstances and having been very close friends with him for over a year before we actually dated. We're pretty mature people, and I think it's fair to say we care about each other a lot. But how on earth do I go about handling this emotionally myself? It's really hard to say goodbye to someone you don't want to say goodbye to, and who doesn't want to say goodbye to you either.

 

Lastly, I know I shouldn't take it personally, but if he really cared about me, shouldn't/wouldn't he wanted to try to make this work? Or is choosing to end a relationship amicably *now* the more caring thing to do in order to try and preserve a friendship later?

 

Ugh, it's just a very...sad situation. I'm not totally sure how to go from here, but any wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

[katiebour]

Dear Tiger,

 

My major in college was Japanese, and in 2002 I went and taught English in Japan for a year. I got into a relationship 6 months before I left, and we did a long-distance relationship from Oregon-Japan for the entirety of the time I was there.

 

I think you guys made a wise decision in ending the relationship (for now) while he's in Japan. When I was there, I missed my boyfriend so badly, all the time, that I almost never went out, spent a good portion of my time at home messaging him (I'd send him a message at 3 or 4 in the afternoon- he'd be waking up to go to work, or we'd find other times, especially weekends, to IM each other) and cried myself to sleep with loneliness A LOT. He came to visit after 6 months, which was exciting, but I was miserable when he left. Most of my time there revolved around "When can I go back home and see my b/f?"

 

I really regret that. There were people in Japan I could have spent time with, and a guy who liked me that in retrospect I would rather have dated than my ex-b/f. I spent a year being lonely and unhappy when I should have been enjoying my time in Japan.

 

When I got back to the U.S., I moved in with my b/f and our relationship lasted another two years before it ended. So I went through all of that unhappiness for NOTHING.

 

If you continue your relationship, and he meets someone in Japan that he likes, or you meet someone at home that you like, the breakup will be painful and awkward. If you stay committed to one another you will spend a lot of time going out with other couples while your SO is overseas. You will miss him, be lonely, and resent the fact that he's there instead of with you. He will spend time in Japan wanting to be with you and not taking full advantage of the fact that he's there to enjoy the sight-seeing.

 

And frankly, if I had it to do over again, I would have broken up with the ex-b/f before I went to Japan and I would have stayed there permanently. After a year there, if he's as much of a lover of Japanese culture as I am, he won't neccessarily want to go home.

 

IF you really wanted to stay in this relationship, you could apply to work at Nova or another one of the English-language schools (Nova takes anyone with a 4-year degree, and people with 2-year degrees can work part time + overtime shifts- they actually work full time if they want to, heheeh...) and you would go over there to work and be with him. That is the only way I could see it working out.

 

Of course although you could apply to live and work in the same city (Nova supplies company housing and new hires get preference as to where they want to live) it would be a good idea for you to not live together or work with the same company, since if you broke up you would still be responsible for your 1 year committment.

 

If you can't see yourself going to Japan, let the relationship go. If and when he comes back, assuming neither of you finds anyone else to have a relationship with, you could give it another go.

 

I would never do another LDR again- it's too much wasted time.

[Trialbyfire]

Lastly, I know I shouldn't take it personally, but if he really cared about me, shouldn't/wouldn't he wanted to try to make this work? Or is choosing to end a relationship amicably *now* the more caring thing to do in order to try and preserve a friendship later?

 

Ugh, it's just a very...sad situation. I'm not totally sure how to go from here, but any wisdom or advice would be appreciated.

Sometimes things aren't meant to be for a number of reasons, of which one, an LDR, statistically speaking, has almost no chance of succeeding. In order to have one succeed, you need about 300% commitment to each other and a whole lotta' trust, respect, understanding, tolerance and strong communication.

 

As for preserving a friendship, if you have strong feelings, I wouldn't even try until you no longer want him or the relationship back.

 

I agree with katiebour. It's smarter to move on.